Right, lexiloo. I DO eat them all, mostly. And they are so expensive. Not a great idea.
I haven’t written in a while. I need to. I’m a complete mess and utter failure today. I feel like crap. Like someone is squezing my head. I have anxiety. Not anxiety about a particular thing, just anxiety symptoms my body gets from time to time for no reason other than my body has this chemical imbalance, they say. A lot of the time, I want to eat through it to take my mind off things.
I think I’m at the lowest of the low. I am hoping that means that the only place for me to go is up. I have the ability to exercise my own control in how low I want to go. How many more times can I binge and throw up all this excess junk I don’t need? I purged last night and the night before. I know my body is hating this. I’m sure it has something to do with why I’m feeling the anxiety right now. A healthy diet is a key element in feeling good and keeping a handle on the anxiety symptoms…and yet I choose to binge. Then sometimes purge. As I’m writing this, I’m realizing how much crappier I will feel, both mentally and physically, if I try to binge through these anxious moments. It is a vicious cycle–feeling bad becuase I binge, binge because I feel so bad. I won’t do it. Not today.
I’m at work. That means there are 10 plus types of snacks I can gorge on without any real notice that I’ve taken any (we keep so much here, it’s big day care center). I could easily have four oatmeal cookies, three cereal bars, a pack of chex mix or teddy grahms. Things kids like that I do not even have any business eating. I don’t want to do that. Not today. I fall to it all the time at work. It perpetuates the cycle.
I’m sleepy and cranky and bored and unmotivated on my break. That is one of the most vulnerable times for me…