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Hil's Journal

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Started 6 months ago by Hil87
Latest reply from Joyce

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Hil87
Member

After reading the different things that everyone writes on here and how supportive everyone is I decided I need to join. I feel embarrassed by my BED, which is why I obviously hide it. I know that I have it, but I feel like writing and actually posting on it will make me really face it and truly get back to the way I used to be. I think what embarrasses me even more is the fact that I have my BS in nutrition and I am currently working for my MS in it too, not to mention that I’m planning to become a Registered Dietitian. So I know what binging will do to me, I know how to eat healthy, I know how to eat intuitively, etc. Despite all of these things “I know” how to do, I can’t seem to do it these past few months. What I hates is that I’m suppose to be helping people one day and I can’t even seem to help myself, which is not what I want at all.

I’m getting tired of feeling out of control and the inner battle going on with food and me, so I’m ready to start helping myself.

In my next post I’ll write about what I think brought on my BED and I’m hoping writing it will help me deal with the emotions associated with all of it.

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey there welcome to the site. I am glad you've joined here. I know it must be tough studying to be a dietician and being in the middle of a struggle with BED. The extra pressure you are probably putting on yourself... Keep posting and use this site as a way to journal about your days and get insight, advice and support from all of us! When you write your next post about what brought on your BED, maybe also think about what triggers your binges and if you are restricting outside of the bingeing? Welcome! ~Lauren

Posted 6 months ago #
Hil87
Member

Ok, so here it is what triggered the BED and I’m going to say right now I think this post is going to be a long one.

Right now I realize that in the past I’ve had mini battles with it. For example, a couple of years ago things went bad with a guy I was dating he basically led me on and then proceeded to break up with me in a text message while I was at work. It left me depressed for a bit and I was able to identify what was causing those depressed feelings, but nevertheless in the evenings after eating dinner I would turn to food and binging to deal with what I was going through. I gained some weight, which made me mad because it was in the spring when I was suppose to be wearing shorts and getting ready for bathing suits, which of course triggered more eating creating the never ending cycle. During summer and then when school rolled around again in the fall I had snapped out of the depression and binging wasn’t on my mind anymore and somehow the weight I gained went away.

Fast forward to this past August I moved 5 states away from California, where I had grown up for the past 22 years, to the Midwest to attend grad school. I was so excited about this to start over, meet new people, have adventures etc. And don’t get me wrong my first semester here was amazing. The city I’m in is wonderful, I made friends, I aced my classes, I got into really good shape, and I started dating an amazing guy, things couldn’t have been more promising for me. I went home for 3 weeks in December and when I came back to start my 2nd semester in January everything started falling apart.

First, the guy I’m dating (if we can even say that now) needs some space so that he can get his career off the ground and as of last week just started his dream job, which of course means long hours, stress, and exhaustion and limited free time at the moment. So, I decided to give him the time he wanted because I keep/kept thinking that things will turn around and go back to normal. I’m kind of still waiting on that, but feel like I’m coming to the end on that one. I also started a part-time job a month ago in addition to school that I really like, because it is in nutrition and I’m getting to help people, but at the same time things with the job our very frustrating, major disorganization and lack of communication, which makes things tough at times.

Finally, and probably the biggest thing is that also about a month ago my grandpa got really sick and this time it was much worse than the other times…and in the end despite being perfectly alert and completely with it he passed away. It has been very tough on me because I wasn’t able to be there to see him at the very end to in a sense say goodbye. Even worse I wasn’t able to make it home for the funeral due to unpredictable weather that we were having here etc and my family kept telling me that it was perfectly fine, but the guilt that I feel over it is awful. And that guilt is leading into thoughts that maybe I shouldn’t have moved, I’m not there for my family, do they think I abandoned them. I know that I shouldn’t think those things and that they don’t think that. Anyways the point is I’m still having a tough time with the loss of my grandpa and realizing how close we actually were and these guilt issues.

It is all of these things happening within about a month that has led to the worst BED I’ve had. Right now it mostly seems to happen at night when I’m alone or on weekends when I’m not doing anything and the emotions that trigger it seem to be sadness, guilt, occasionally boredom, and then now the dissatisfaction that I feel about the weight I’ve been gaining. I hate it when I head to the kitchen and I’m not hungry, but I start eating. It is like I’m on autopilot and can’t turn it off and then I think well the damage is already done I might as well keep going or I think hey if I just finish whatever I’m eating it’ll be gone and I won’t be tempted anymore. I am proud to say that there have been instances where I’ve been able to stop myself and then I throw away whatever I was binging on.

Trigger foods seem to be sweet things like chocolate, cookies, basically anything I can bake which is a problem because I love to bake, peanut butter, toast, and occasionally cereal if I let it into my apartment.

I did have a minor binge today (involving Chex Mix and chocolate chips), which I’m not happy about but I’m trying not to dwell on it and it left me uncomfortably full so even though I made a really healthy dinner of salad with baked chicken I was only able to eat a few bites and put it into the fridge for tomorrow. I’ll also admit that because of the binging I feel like during the day and week I need to compensate for any binging that happened occurred and will try and restrict and I know this is bad because it just makes me want to binge on my restricted foods. I need to change my thinking process and live by what I tell people all the time…moderation is the key to life.

Again, sorry this is so long but now I have this all out and I can hopefully begin the next steps of getting through the ED.

Posted 5 months ago #
Joyce
Member

Hil87, good job getting all that off of your chest. That's what this forum is all about. Venting, sharing, and finding non-judgemental support. Since you already know all the things that you can do to stop binge eating, I won't list those. But I do want to say, you have to let those guilt feelings go, they aren't doing anyone any good. Would you grandfather have wanted you to travel when it wasn't safe due to the weather? I'm a grandma, and I can say, I'm sure he wouldn't have wanted that. Would your grandpa want you feeling guilty and sad, NO, I can almost guarantee that he wouldn't. What he would most likely want to happen is for you to be happy, healthy, and enjoying life. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness and get on with the business of living life to the fullest. Do this for yourself, for your family and for your grandpa.

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

No girl I think its great that you are using your journal to write out where your BED is coming from. I'm really sorry to hear about your grandpa..that must be super tough. And I know things with your bf right now have to be hard with him needing space. I think it sounds like a lot of your eating is done to try and numb those emotions you are having. I used to binge as a response to pretty much every emotion out there...what helped me was what a therapist once told me, Feeling will never kill you..they come like waves...they peak and then they pass on their own. And its true..if you just ride out that sadness, anxiety etc., sit through it, it will pass. No need to try and fix or numb it with food. What are you studying in grad school? Are you from northern california? Thats where I am hoping to end up! Keep posting and never feel bad about what you post...its your journal! ~Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
cecesan
Member

Hi Hil,
Well, I can totally relate. I am also in a very bad period as far as bingeing goes---totally out of control. I find myself being very purposeful about the binges...it's mindless in one way, calculated in another. I am also numbing things w/ food.

I'm so sorry about your grandfather. I know we fill the emptiness we feel with food. Lauren is right that feeling will never kill us...I guess it's just a matter of knowing what to do with the feeling instead of stuffing it w/ sweets (your triggers seem very similar to mine....the fact that it's Girl Scout cookie season doesn't help!)

I can relate to your guilt because that's how I live my life. I have a friend who has a good mantra:

"You do enough, you have enough, you are enough." We do what we can, given our circumstances.

cc

Posted 5 months ago #
Hil87
Member

Joyce, you're so right with everything you said. I can guarantee you that my grandfather would not want me to keep up with these guilty feelings and that he would second what you said about me being happy, healthy, and enjoying life. I'm really happy that you said all of those things because last night when I was lying in bed thinking about things I kept telling myself I need to let go of the guilt, I need to be the happy optimistic person I was.

Lauren, as usual I find what you say uplifting and so helpful. I had never thought about that saying before that feeling will never kill you. I plan to keep that in mind. As for grad school I'm continuing to study nutrition, but it has more of a medical emphasis on it. Right now I'm really interested in pediatric nutrition and being able to help kids. I am indeed from Northern California. I grew up in a small town not too far from Sacramento and went to college in a "college town" that was also not very far from Sacramento. I also loved visiting San Francisco. I hope you end up in Northern California there's lots of good things there

CC, oh man I know what you're saying about Girl Scout season. My boss at work brought in a bunch of boxes b/c he didn't want them at his house (thanks a lot haha). The thing is b/c it was at work and there's people around I was good and just enjoyed a couple, if the cookies were at my apartment it would have been a different story.

So, a few things about this weekend…there were some slip ups, but not like my previous binges that have been happening. I decided I’m not going to dwell on this or beat myself up over it b/c it’s done and in the past now. Despite that this wasn’t even my worst my body felt disgusting after. I had a hard time sleeping last night b/c I felt really full and bloated and then I woke up at 5:30 with the most intense hunger pains, which I didn’t want to get up then and eat so I did my best to ignore them and get back to sleep. Even today I still felt kind of gross and not very hungry, I think my body is trying to tell me something and I should listen; even with all that I still did some mindless grazing today that seemed to be out of boredom.

A bright spot in this weekend was that Friday night I went out with some friends for dinner. I almost didn’t go b/c I wasn’t sure what I was going to wear and feel comfortable in, but I decided that I needed to get out with my friends again. We went for Greek food and I had a delicious vegetarian gyro, I stopped eating once I was satisfied, and I’m so happy that I decided to go.

I do need to get back to exercising, practically every day I say that I’m going to start up and then I find some lame excuse not to. I at least did an abs workout today that I think worked them pretty well. I’m seeing tomorrow as a new day and I’m hoping I can find the courage to start really working out again. I want to try and get into running b/c there are some really great parks to run at near where I live and I would love to have the goal to work up to running in a half marathon, that would be a huge accomplishment for me.

Here’s my food for today:
B: lemon yogurt with oats (which I got the idea from you guys and loved it)
L: toast w/ peanut butter, string cheese, banana
S: slices of cheddar cheese, celery w/ peanut butter, some chocolate chips, buttered toast (these are the things that I ended up eating for no particular reason)
D: left over salad w/ baked chicken from last night

I’m feeling very full and done eating for tonight.

Posted 5 months ago #
Joyce
Member

Hil87, I'm so happy to hear that you are going to put all those guilty feelings in the trash. You don't need them. Replace them with positive messages and good memories. You have made huge progress this weekend, keep it up.

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Oh Hilary how cool!! I am a pediatric nurse! We see lots of nutritionist on our floor, especially for kids with feeding tubes. Its great working with kids...I can't recommend it enough! Aw you are from Northern Cali! How cool!! Yeah my dream city to get a job would be San Francisco but who knows what will be available come May..I hope eventually I can take at least one job there at some point!

I'm so glad you got out with friends on friday night and had a good time..I know when I don't feel like going out but end up pushing myself too, I'm always glad I did! Nothing better than spending time with friends! I bet running in those nice parks would be a great form of exercise and good scenery at the same time! Hope you have a good night! ~Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
Hil87
Member

Aw, thanks Joyce! Today I can't think of one guilty thought I had and I felt like when I smiled it was real.

Lauren, I completely agree that working with kids is great. I hope you get a chance to work in San Francisco. I could go on for awhile about all the things I loved to do when spending time there. I'm really hoping the weather is nice this weekend because I want it to be my goal to attempt jogging or if nothing else walking at one of the parks.

I’m really happy to say that today was a good day. It was like there was something in the air. I think the sun being out and the almost spring like weather helped, but most of all I think it is being on this site where I feel you guys understand what I’m going through.

I didn’t binge today and ate well, it does help that I was occupied at work all day. Tomorrow will be the test because I’m on spring break, so I won’t have class to go to throughout the day, but my plan is to get out of the apartment and find some errands to do.

I’m also proud of myself because I actually worked out when I got home from work today. I told myself that there was no reason not to and that I would feel really good after. I also made myself realize that it is just me, there is no one waiting on me to do things for them and it would be ok if I ate dinner a little later tonight. I feel really good from the workout. I got myself to get on the treadmill and I did my strength workout. I can already feel the workout in my legs, which I love.

So I haven’t been super hungry today, but still ate throughout the day and I didn’t even want dinner, but I cooked a good meal and then ate some of it. I’m making myself listen to my body and reminding myself that I am not hungry right now because I have an overwhelming feeling to binge.

I think I want to binge because I have made myself anxious. The problem is that I think I need to initiate “the talk” with the guy I’m dating. We’ve been together almost 4 1/2 months and it has been some time since we had our original talk about giving a little space for the various reasons I mentioned before, but I think it’s time to find out where he stands now and that I at least deserve some sort of new clue about the direction that this is all going. I mean I really like him and we work so well together, but it would be nice to have a few answers about things. What I’m getting at is that if this doesn’t go the way I would like it to, I imagine that binging would occur because of the hurt and sad emotions. I honestly don't want binging to happen, but I can't guarantee it wouldn't. At the moment I would rather have the slip up occur at the beginning of my recovery, so that I really truly focus on good stuff and being really happy and positive again. Hmm maybe I am setting myself up for failure by thinking I’ll have a binge if the guy and I break things off. Lots of rambling going on.

What I ate today:
B: Banana (slightly under ripe and not tasty)
L: Half peanut butter sandwich on WW, carrot sticks, half an apple
S. 3 small choc chip cookies (made w/ yogurt instead of eggs and I savored every bite of them)
D: Small salad, brown rice, and Indian chana masala, couple bites of leftover apple

My urge to binge is gone!!

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hmm Hil I would say definitely don't assume that you are going to binge if the talk with your bf doesn't go well. You are strong. You can make it thru any bad emotions. You have to stay positive and believe in yourself, but if you do have a slip up, its ok, you just get right back on track. I think you should def. go ahead and have that talk with the guy because you deserve someone who is ready/wants to be with you, and if thats not him, there are other great fish in the sea Thats great you got in a nice workout!! Yeah the pretty weather here made me feel super happy today too! I hope you are able to get out to the park on your day off and enjoy some fresh air. Good idea to keep yourself busy! Hope you have a nice day tomorrow! ~Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
Hil87
Member

Lauren, thanks for the words of encouragement! I'm planning on bringing it up today with him that we need to talk about things.

So a few quick things...I find that when I eat all natural peanut butter with no added oils and sugars I don't want to binge on it. It tastes amazing to me, but I am satisfied with just a little bit. When I eat the sweet kinds, it would feel like I couldn't get enough that I needed to keep going back for more. Funny how I didn't see or realize this before, then again I also created a problem by not allowing peanut butter into my apt so I wouldn't binge on it and then I'd crave it, end up buying it, and then it would become a binge.

I find it amazing how I know what is the right thing to do and can offer good advice to people on being healthy/nutrition, but I fail to take my own advice. the whole do as I say not as I do thing.

Anyways, I have come up with 3 positive things to say about myself today:
1. I'm having a wonderful hair day
2. My butt is looking amazing in my jeans today
3. I'm feeling really lighthearted and optimistic

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Oh I love your 3 positive things..you better go talk to your bf with those hot-butt jeans on Glad you feel positive..nothing beats that!! btw I'm in love with PB! Have a nice day! ~Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
Joyce
Member

Hil87, way to go! That's the way to replace the negative with positive messages. I approve!!!! Please don't feel that a binge is inevitable if the talk with your boyfriend goes wrong. You are strong, don't let that bingemonster take control. No matter which way that conversation goes, you will be ok. Life is short, don't waste time fretting over things that you can't change, make the most of the things you have control over, and enjoy everyday like it is your last! Hope that smile stays REAL!

Posted 5 months ago #
cookiemonster
Member

Hey Hil !
Just read some parts of your journal, I can totally relate. I quit my job as a personal trainer not long ago , so I know exactly what you mean about knowing exactly what you have to do but not applying the advice you give to others. Everyone that knows me think Im super healthy and fit too so I definitely felt embarassed as well, but so grateful I found this forum !
The thing is, its something more than just eating and food, its a mental struggle and it has nothing to do with willpower , I find it so comforting to know that others can relate to what Im going through.
My grandma passed away from a horrible disease too this summer, and witnessing the whole process really traumatised me. I suspect a big part of me feeling depressed is that,even though at the time I thought I was coping fine.
I do have alot of the same trigger foods as well....and I completely know what you mean about going on auto-pilot with them.
Im happy for you because it seems youre allready doing so much better ! Your attitude sounds really positive. I eat all natural PB everyday with no guilt, sometimes I even eat up to 4 tablespoons a day lol, what can I say I love it and its pretty healthy ! As a result, thats why I almost never binge on it, because I allow myself to eat it unconditionally !
Good luck with the bf talk, remember that you dont have to settle for anything and no matter what happens, if youre upset because of him you dont need to punish yourself or make yourself feel even worst by bingeing. Im hoping the outcome is positive though !

Posted 5 months ago #
Hil87
Member

Lauren - I love your encouragement, it is definitely putting a smile on my face right now.

Joyce - You're right and one of the biggest things for me is that I need to stay focused on being positive and happy. Ironically on New Years I said that I was going to be positive and enjoy life to the fullest like I had been in the previous months. Little did I know I would end up getting blind sided by life, but the thing is like I've mentioned I'm tired of being negative it does nothing good for me, so I need to make that change and I see it starting to happen in sublet ways

Anou - Thanks, I really am trying to be positive and I think that this forum has helped me with doing so much better. Also, not only do people assume I eat healthy b/c I'm in nutrition, but they outright ask me if I eat super healthy all the time. Oh, if they only knew the whole story.

What to say about today…

Today started out well, which you can see with my first post, but then it kinda slid down hill a little bit. Even though I didn’t necessarily full on binge, today cannot be counted as a binge free day. There were multiple slip ups, lots of mindless grazing on food, and now I’m living with the feeling of being too full and asking myself why I kept eating. I can say that what caused a lot of this was that even though I was out of my apartment for portions of the day trying to stay active it was a dreary day outside, drizzling and the sun never came out once and there was boredom involved at some points too.

I’m also now waiting to hear back from the bf about talking. Great, right? It’s leaving me a little anxious.

So, to keep in line with me trying to be a much more positive person than I have been lately; I’m reminding myself that I did not full on binge tonight that I could have done so much more damage than I did do. Tomorrow is a new day and I can get back on track, and actually you know what forget tomorrow that’s still hours away, instead I’ll say that right now is a new moment to start over. I also worked out today, that’s 2 days in a row and I spent 45 minutes on the treadmill. Now, so that no one gets the wrong idea here I was not running for most of the time on there. I was instead going at a very brisk walk, with the treadmill at a slight incline and I can definitely feel it in the thighs and gluteus maximus area now. I am remembering how much I enjoy getting in the extra activity and I plan to workout tomorrow too.

Today’s food:
B: non-fat yogurt w/ granola, wheat bran, and cinnamon
S: toast w/ PB,
L: Pita chips with chipotle hummus and an orange
S: 1/2 choc brownie Clif bar and choc covered blueberries
D: leftover br rice, Indian chana masala, broccoli
S: rest of Clif bar
Gah and then I went back for the LemonZest Luna bar and some graham crackers w/ a smidge of peanut butter on some, frozen mango chunks, and frozen raspberries

It’s not even that what I ate was super unhealthy; it’s the fact that I lost touch with the intuitive eating and ended up eating way more than I needed, hence the full and slightly bloated stomach.

I am not beating myself up over this…I am moving on now

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Hil...girl you look like you did fine today with food..doesn't even look like over eating really. Here is the thing with intuitive eating...its not a perfect process. You will have some days where you are totally in tune with your body and others where you just eat on a schedule because its easier/smarter, or you'll over eat/emotionally eat some days too..and thats TOTALLY normal. The whole world emotionally eats on occasion, its just the binges you are trying to really avoid. Also trying to be perfectionistic about intuitive eating..that only leads to guilt which usually leads to bingeing. I have days, especially when I'm PMSing, where I totally self comfort, but its just a bit and I don't overanalyze it so its fine, no guilt, no problem! You are doing great..don't bad about today!! I'm glad you are looking at the positives too!! This moment is a new moment! and its awesome you have been getting some exercise in! Ek sorry that you haven't had the talk with your bf yet...hope it goes well! ~Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
Joyce
Member

Hil, I agree with Lauren, it doesn't look like an overeat to me. Somedays you just need a little extra and then others you will find that you aren't interested in food at all. Just go with the flow. Good job not waiting until tomorrow to start over, doing it right now, this very moment, is the way to go. I think we all have been to that point where we say "today is ruined, I'll just eat today and start over tomorrow", that's an attitude we all need to learn to leave behind. You just made huge progress, did you see it? You dropped that BED attitude and replaced it with a positive action. Yay for you!

Posted 5 months ago #
Hil87
Member

Lauren - It is good to hear you say that it can be normal to overeat/emotionally eat on some days. I think sometimes I get caught up in the I need to be perfect and not have slip ups, but no one is perfect and it isn't realistic. Where I work right now I educate people on taking small slow steps when making changes and I need to remember that b/c when I try to do it all at once and be "perfect" I'm pretty much setting myself up to fail.

Joyce - Aw, thanks and you know what in the moment when I made that decision it did feel like a light bulb was going off. It was also like I realized that if I said I'll start over tomorrow I would be telling myself, okay today is already ruined, I'll just keep eating even though I don't want anymore food and I knew that wasn't the smart decision.

Its funny today almost feels like a blur, but it definitely wasn’t a bad day. I worked today, which kept me busy and tomorrow I’m excited b/c I get to enjoy the fact that it is spring break from school b/c I don’t work. I’m planning to stop by Whole Foods, which I think of as being fun. Today would also be day 3 of not binging. I really believe that the nice weather we had today, sunny and a warm 73 degrees (so nice compared to the coldness we were experiencing), keeps my mood lifted and helps keep the urge to binge away. Of course the nice weather is gone at the moment and we’re under a tornado watch, which kinda freaks me out b/c I’m not used to tornadoes.

My lower body is so sore today from all of the working out over the past 2 days and I was going to skip the gym today and give the body a rest, but when I got home from work I really wanted to go, plus the last half hour of work was slightly frustrating so I wanted to let out my frustrations. I ended up going, but vowed that I couldn’t overdo it on the legs tonight, so I did some lunges instead and then just did strength for the upper body. It felt great.

Food for today:
B: Med banana (food was not interesting at all to me this morning)
S: Chocolate covered power berries
L: ½ WW pita w/ chipotle hummus, spinach, & carrots, an orange and the rest of the carrot not in the pita
S: 2 slices WW toast one with butter the other w/ peanut butter
D: Spinach salad w/ balsamic vinegar and Amy’s Kitchen Tamale Pie
S: Few more chocolate covered power berries and frozen mangos & raspberries

Oh yeah another big thing I’m going to dinner with 2 friends tomorrow night. I feel like I’m trying to pick up my social life a little bit, it has been very nonexistent since January.

Posted 5 months ago #
cookiemonster
Member

Hey Hil ! Yay for 3 days!. Your eating looks great and healthy too, Im intrigued by these chocolate covered power berries. I know exactly what you mean about your social life suffering, and I think its great youre being proactive and making plans. I always feel better about myself and my eating when I force myself to get out there and interact with people and do activities. Good job for listening to your body and not overdoing it on the legs. Tornado watch sounds pretty scary indeed, there are no tornadoes where I live lol.

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Hil!! Yeah that is key..DONT approach this process as a perfectionist..because its just never going to be that way. Forgiveness and flexibility are the keys to success! Wow it sounds like the weather was awesome there...until the tornado warning...hope it went the other way! Its rainy and dreary here this week...I guess thats karma since it was so beautiful last week! Congrats on 3 days!! Haha I know a trip to Whole Foods is excitement for me too Glad you made dinner plans with friends tomorrow night..that is huge! Something to look forward too! Hope you have a nice night...give those legs a day off tomorrow! ~Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
Hil87
Member

Today started out as a decent day, despite the weather last night, it was mostly sunny this morning so it left me feeling bright and happy, plus I was excited about going to Whole Foods and looking forward to dinner with 2 of my friends tonight. Just as I’m heading into WF I get a text from the bf who I had previously told we needed to talk and yeah this is basically what he said, “Sorry for the no response I’ve been doing a jury trial for the past 3 days (he’s just starting out as a lawyer) things are really crazy and not really conducive to a relationship at the moment.” REALLY! Is that it? Is that all he’s gonna say, b/c it didn’t exactly give me a definite we’re done for now or things are busy at the moment this week, but hey things are gonna calm down so lets just get through this. I know he’s busy with his new job and I have been super patient, understanding, and cooperative with things, but as you can tell I’m starting to get a little fed up. What makes me even madder is that he couldn’t talk to me about this to my face? He goes to court and argues his cases, but he can’t look me in the face and talk to me about this. Maybe I’m overreacting and maybe I’ll get more out of him, like a better explanation or the actual talk that I asked for.

Anyways, I tried to not let this get to me, but it did and I impulse bought in WF. Impulse buying is something that I would have never done months ago. I’d go into the store with a list and stick to the list; often skipping things on the list that I decided were completely unnecessary and now I’m plagued by impulse buying and not good ones either. I left WF with cookies, oh don’t get me wrong the cookies were delicious when I got home (peanut butter choc chunk) at least the first couple were. Then they didn’t taste so great anymore, but I didn’t stop, then I felt full and like I’d had too much sugar, but I kept going and then it finally got to the point of I’ll just finish them so they’re gone and don’t have to see what I have just done. So there you have it I just felt the out of control feeling again and binged on the cookies. Yes, it makes me feel yucky and ashamed but I’m not going to let those feelings lead me back to the kitchen for more food. Yes, I am feeling kind of down right now, but I will not miss going to dinner with my friends tonight. I’ve been looking forward to this and it will be good for me, plus I know I’ll eat intuitively b/c number one sadly eating in front of people gives me the anxious what are they thinking of me feeling, but I’ll also be eating slowly b/c there will be lots of talking etc so I’ll know for sure when I’m satisfied.

I do feel a little better now that I wrote this and knowing I won’t be judged. I’ll hopefully post again later tonight.

Posted 5 months ago #
cookiemonster
Member

Aww Hil Im sorry about all this. I can understand that maybe that stress led you to binge on the cookies. I do that too sometimes and then I tell myself might as well finish them so you get rid of them. I am so proud of you that you took the decision of not missing dinner and cancelling plans because of that, thats a huge step forward. The faster you bounce back the better it is. Instead of saying, Ill try again tomorrow, why not make a positive choice right when the next opportunity comes in the day !
I am happy letting it out is making you feel better. But you know what, Im sorry but I dont think youre overreacting. In my opinion that text message is unnacceptable and you deserve 10000000 times better. Dont settle for anything less than what you deserve. Is he breaking up with you??? What does he mean its not conductive to a relationship?? I know sometimes people can be crazy busy, but I think that when you really want to be with someone you ake as much as an effort as you can to keep in touch and see each other whenever its possible.
Take care lovely girl and keep your head up xox

Posted 5 months ago #
Hil87
Member

Anou - I actually bought the chocolate covered power berries by mistake. I thought I grabbed the chocolate covered blueberries. Anyways it was an ok mistake b/c these aren't bad they have acai, cranberries, and blueberries in them. They have the sweet and tart flavors going on. Also, thanks for the encouraging words earlier today, they were really helpful!

Lauren - I'm definitely trying to kick the perfectionist attitude and that no one should be expecting me to be perfect. Despite the storm that hit last night it turned out to be fairly sunny today, but the rain is suppose to be back tomorrow. Oh and it is about to be my turn to be PMS-y too,:? but I'm planning to just roll with it

Going to dinner tonight was definitely the right choice. I had a really great time and it was so nice to be with my friends outside of classes. I had the most delicious turkey sandwich that had brie and granny smith apples on it with a little honey mustard. Even though it was so good I did eat intuitively and wasn’t able to finish everything on my plate. I also didn’t feel anxious tonight or like I was being judged based on the food I was eating, which I have felt in certain situations before.

I do need to say that I feel like I have forgotten what happened with the food earlier in the day. Ok, well not completely forgotten but I guess what I mean is I’m trying not to get too hung up over it. I did feel like I should go workout to “compensate” for it, but I didn’t go because I had planned that today would be a complete rest day and I wasn’t going to break that decision since I know my body needs a day to recover from all of the workouts.

B: 2 slices WW toast 1 w/ butter & 1 w/ PB and a banana
S: 1/2 pear
L: pita chips w/ chipotle hummus, slice of cheese, a few choc covered power berries
D: 3/4 of the Turkey, brie, granny smith apple sandwich on WW and 3/4 of the fries
Between lunch and dinner but not exactly a snack were all of the cookies

I’m looking forward to sleep tonight and getting work over with tomorrow. Yay for Friday!

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Hil...oh honey I am sorry about that text from the guy. I agree with Anou..that is completely unacceptable..You deserve WAY better. Even if he just wants to take a break and not break up, I think maybe you should just end it with him. You deserve a guy that will be totally into you, regardless of the busyness of his job, and one that will be considerate enough to have a conversation with you instead of texting something like that. I'm sorry...I can imagine that would have triggered all of us to get some impulse cookies at WFs. And I have done that many times just finished them off so they were gone. I'm so glad you ended up going out with friends and had such a great time!! You did AWESOME with the intuitive eating thing at dinner (and it sounded like a delicious sandwich!)...and I'm proud of you for not trying to compensate with exercise and continuing to give your body that needed day of rest. Thats a huge step of progress that you could have a small set back earlier in the day and then get right back on track!!!! Awesome! ~L

Posted 5 months ago #
Joyce
Member

Hil, that wasn't very nice of your boyfriend to send that in a text. You deserve a real answer, why should you put your life on hold while he makes up his mind if he wants a relationship or not. I think you need to be the one making the decision. Go ahead and decide if you want a relationship with him. If you do, then waiting on him is something you have made a choice to do. But if you don't want a relationship, then let him know and move on. Sorry if this seems harsh, I don't want to see you being used.

Ok, about the trip to whole foods. It's ok! Granted, this is the kind of behavior that you are trying to change, but it doesn't happen over night. You made it through it and went on to your girl's night out and had fun. That is the important part. That shows progress and that is what you are looking for, one small step forward at a time. Good job!

Posted 5 months ago #
Hil87
Member

Lauren - Aw, it is so great to hear your encouraging words! They bring a smile to my face. What you said about the guy is true and in my heart I know what needs to be done and right now I feel completely ok about it, no depressing feelings.

Joyce - Yep I realize that my life shouldn't be the one that gets put on hold and deep down I know what I need to do and the best part is that I'm the one who gets to be completely in control of that decision. Thanks so much for the support you give me, it makes me feel so good about myself!

Today again felt like a blur, but I think that was mostly because I had work and it has been raining all day, so it’s just kind of blah. I’m also feeling tired today. Today I tried tentatively planning what I would eat throughout the day. I planned out what my breakfast, lunch, and dinner would definitely be and then if I planned out things to eat for 3 snacks throughout the day, but knew that I would only eat them if I was truly hungry. Doing this today worked, but then it makes me wonder if in a sense it could be considered restricting in some ways if I try to stick to exactly what I planned out. I guess if I do plan my food out I should be flexible and if I’m craving something else know that I should eat that instead.

I decided not to go to the gym tonight, but instead I did an abs workout on my living room floor. I had planned to go jogging at the park tomorrow, but it looks like it is going to be raining still, so I’ll probably end up working out at the gym.

B: oatmeal w/ wheat bran, banana, raspberries made w/ skim
S: ½ blueberry crisp Clif Bar
L: ½ WW pita w/ chipotle hummus and spinach, ½ pear, 2 graham crackers w/ PB
D: eggplant Parmesan, Salad – spinach, carrots, celery, balsamic vinegar

Surprisingly I had no interest in an afternoon snack and then after my dinner I am so full. The thought of food at the moment is so unappealing to me, so something went right today and I’m very happy about that

Posted 5 months ago #
Joyce
Member

Hil, yes I would say that something went right today, that's great! I love that you are feeling happy and satisfied. Wonderful job being flexible with your workouts, do whatever is fun and just move that body.

Sorry about the rain you are having in your area. I don't mind cloudy weather but constant rain tends to get me down too. Especially if it keeps me in the house. Hang in there and as soon as that sun peeks through the clouds again, you will feel energized and ready to go, go, go.

Posted 5 months ago #
stopthemadness
Member

Hi hil.. I skimmed over your journal. Myy grandpa also passed away a few months ago :(.. but I know he's watching over me. I also plan out my meals as a way to guide myself throughout the day. I don't know if it's considered restricting.. however if I feel more hungry then I will just let myself have a little more food other than what I planned out. So far you look lke you're doing great! I'm on my 3rd binge free day.. you can check out my journal (Emi's journal). I hope I can recover from binge eating.. I'm just taking it day by day. My disorder started ever since I got anxiety disorder a year ago. Well I'm excited to read your journal and see the progress!!!

-Emi

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Hil..I'm happy you feel in control of the guy situation and KNOW you deserve better Those rainy days do bring on some blahness...its been rainy here the last few days and it just makes you want to stay curled up in bed all day! Hopefully the sun will come out soon for both of us! I think its totally fine to plan out your meals for now until you get more comfortable going 100% with intuitive eating..just, like you said, make sure you stay flexible so if you veer off your plan, you don't feel guilty at all. Hope you have a great weekend! Hugs, Loz

Posted 5 months ago #
Hil87
Member

Oh man, I just went to put on a pair of jeans that I swear fit just fine a couple of weeks ago and well that isn't the case now. Can a pair of jeans break your heart? I think mine may have at least started to. The very first thought I had, after the shock of these pants are so tight, was food restricting thoughts. Then that kinda turned into lets binge first and start restricting later. Those are not the thoughts I want, they're not healthy and I wish I could just be how I used to be with food. Anyways after all those bad thoughts I knew I needed to get on here and write about it, instead of acting on any of those things.

Here's another thing I seem to be on a cycle where August through December I don't think I have food issues everything just seems to go naturally and I end up in really good shape. January through I guess about March I gain weight and have mini episodes of binging (of course this year seems to be the worst)and then late spring through August I'm dealing with the fact that it is summer and I feel like I look awful and I'm trying to get myself together. Funny thing how I really see this whole pattern now that I have started writing and became more conscious of what I'm doing. I'd also say these cycles started when I went to college. However, what is happening now is what I would call the breaking point it is much worse and I can pinpoint what has triggered it all. Now I desperately want to get out of this and just be healthy year round.

I'm also starting to dread going back home for a week in June, I don't want my family or friends to see what has happened to me since December.

I'll post again later and reply back to everyone.

Posted 5 months ago #
Hil87
Member

Joyce - I know I can't wait for more sun it really brightens my mood (no pun intended there), especially after winter when it felt like it would be weeks before I would see the sun poke through the clouds for at least a few hours.

Emi - Congrats on day 3 of being binge free, that is really awesome and you will beat the BED! I'm glad I have your support and you're looking forward to seeing my progress, I am also looking forward to keeping up with your progress in your journal.

Lauren - Yep, today was one of those rainy days where I just wanted to stay curled up. I think I'm going to work with planning my food out, but also stay flexible with it. I also noticed today that planning my food out during the week works better than on the weekends, so that's something I need to work on, actually the weekends just need to be improved in general too.

Today just feels like a setback. The dreary weather just intensifies my not so positive mood. The only healthy balanced thing I’ve eaten today was yogurt with oats and wheat bran. I started off by letting the jeans incident (see my earlier post) really bring me down and then when I had to go out for a little bit today I felt really self conscious like everyone was looking at me, and not looking at me in a good way. Then to top of the day off on Facebook I saw the bf, well I guess we should call it the ex-bf now, has his relationship status as single and get this under the looking for spot not only does it say friendship, but dating and a relationship too. Really, if you’re so busy and your life “isn’t conducive to a relationship at the moment” (I think I’m going to remember that line of his for a long time) then why are you looking for dating and a relationship. Yep, I was doing relatively ok with this whole breakup thing until I saw all that, it’s like it really hit me or sunk in and it made me mad and upset all at the same time, which led to crying and then pacing around my apartment frustrated and of course some very unhealthy eating. Not all out binging, but more of a consistent grazing going on. I don’t feel very good now. I feel emotionally drained and bloated, not the best combination. As my Facebook status says (and oh Facebook sometimes I feel like I have a love hate relationship with you) I should have been a softball player so I could hit all these curve balls life keeps throwing at me. But hey isn’t this supposed to make me a better person or something like that?

Oh in case you all are wondering I didn’t let the ex-bf get away with his quick non-straightforward breakup text. I told him that yeah he may be busy right now and a relationship doesn’t fit into his life, but I at least deserved to be told all this to my face. He did apologize and said I deserved a face to face explanation, but he’s just so busy right now he’s not sure how soon he’ll be able to do it. I appreciate the fact that I’m suppose to get a face to face explanation, but really when will this be taking place?! This guy doesn’t seem like the caring considerate guy I started talking to and dating nearly 5 ½ months ago.

Sorry for the less than positive post and I know that the other day I talked about starting over at that moment instead of waiting for tomorrow, well I’m breaking that right now and calling today a wash and that tomorrow will be a better day. Positivity and intuitive eating are on the agenda for tomorrow. Also, thank you guys so much for being so supportive and reading what I post! <3 <3

Posted 5 months ago #
Joyce
Member

Hil, gosh darn it! That guy needs a punch in the face! His mama didn't teach him how to treat a lady, not wonder my boys got snatched up so quick. I'm so sorry honey, wish I could say something to make the pain go away, but I know there isn't a thing that I could say to make it better, you just need some time for it to sink in. And when it does, you will realize you are much better without the fool.

About your eating today, ya know, sometimes life just calls for a little comfort food. Don't worry about it sweetie, it happens to all of us. Now just get back on your healthy track and make that guy wish he hadn't been such a jerk. Once you pick yourself up and get that bingemonster caged, any extra pounds you have will slide right off. Do this for yourself...you deserve a healthier happier you!

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Man Hil I'm sorry...that guy sounds like a total jerk..you deserve SO much better. I can only imagine how pissed that status change on FB and his text saying he's too busy to talk in person made you. Man I would have been enraged. Along with dreary weather and a bad jean-fitting experience, I'm not surprised that you had some emotional eating today. But its ok. And its totally ok you didn't eat "balanced" today. Man the weekends are rarely ever balanced for me...and thats normal. Weekends are meant for fun, eating out, rolling with situations..so never let yourself feel guilty about what you eat on the weekends (but still avoid those binges). I know you feel really shitty today but know that things will start looking better...you will get back into intuitive eating and not go back into the lose weight part of the year, then binge the other part..but be looking at a year round healthy relationship with food! When the time is right, you will meet a wonderful Mr. Right who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated and not be a total A-hole. With the intuitive eating your weight will level off and those jeans will fit again. All this will come, but have patience with yourself and just keep focusing on moving forward, not looking back with guilt and regret. I hope you have a nice night and wake up to a bright sunny sky ~L

Posted 5 months ago #
Hil87
Member

Awww Joyce and Lauren thanks so much it was so great to read what you guys had to say and it made me feel so much better last night. It helped me to not feel quite as guilty and that these things happen. Hugs for both of you!

Today is starting out well and lets hope it continues that way. I woke up bright and early that seems to happen a lot on the weekends lately. I decided there wasn't any better time than the present to get my workout in, so I headed to the gym got my butt on the treadmill and went for about 45 minutes. Since I never know how accurate the readings like distance or calories are, I decided I don't care about that what matters is the time factor. And I know all too well from all of my schooling what the recommended amounts for physical activity are. Anyways I even got in a couple intervals of running on the treadmill, oddly I've had this mental image of me trying to run, tripping and then falling off the machine it creates a funny mental picture Then I did some strength exercises. I feel really great at the moment. I'm going to go to the mall and hangout for awhile today. It seems like it could be a bad idea after the jean incident, but I'm not really going for an intense shopping day and I'm feeling really positive about it, so we'll see.

I am still feeling some anger and sadness, but I really am going to try and make the best of today and try really hard to stay on track with my eating. I'll be back later!

Posted 5 months ago #
stopthemadness
Member

Hill!! omgg.. I've had that happen to me before.. I'm running on the treadmill at my gym and pretty much lose my balance and almost trip, however, I don't fall onto my ass whew.. I've always imagined if that happened to me lol. Just wondering when you're on the treadmill, do you run fast and then walk or run/jog consistently? Yesterday i had a mini slip up.. probably ate more than I needed after that red velvet cupcake because I was stressed but I didn't let it become a full blown 3000 calorie binge. It was probably just overeating emotionally. do you think that counts and binge free? Anywhooo I am going to try n stay on track with eating today as well!! Btw you deserve better than that guy.. who the heck says that in a text. I have had my fair share of jerks.. My ex boyfriend of 4 years cheated on me multiple times and I didn't find out til now. So over him. I have yet to meet the love of my liife. Don't worry just keep your mind off of him for now and keep goin on with no binging and going about your lovely life!! :].

-Emi

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Hil! Sounds like you had a GREAT workout!! Yeah its best not to focus on how many calories it says on the machine..just go for a moderate amount of good cardio!! Ha I've always been terrified of flying off the treadmill after I've seen a few people do it!! Hope you have a nice shopping experience..remember just get stuff that makes you feel sexy..don't worry about the number on the clothes! Have a great day! ~Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
Hil87
Member

Emi - Well lately I'm just trying to get back into working out so I've been doing fast walking on the treadmill with it at a slight incline, but today I decided it was time to step it up so I did interval style training. I was watching TV so during the commercials I would run/jog and then when what I was watching was back on I'd go back to fast walking. Good job with not letting it become a full on binge and I think what happened doesn't count as a binge, so you're still binge free!

Lauren - It was a good workout, I felt so good all day from it. The shopping experience was good and I didn't get negative about sizes or anything. I was just happy to find things that made me feel good. I also have this thing where I try on the bigger size first and if it fits well and I look good I'm happy and then if the smaller size is too tight I can remember how good the first one looked. If I try on the smaller size first and it is too tight etc I dwell on having to get the bigger size. Overall, I really do try to remember that sizes are just numbers and every brand varies and that really the number doesn't matter, the confidence you get wearing the clothes is what matters

Going to the mall was successful today. So I didn’t feel like crap in my clothes like I did yesterday, I made sure to wear something that was comfortable but at the same time made me feel good and cute. I think it worked too because I held my head up high the whole time I was out today. As for the mall I found a couple of cute things that will be perfect for the upcoming warm weather and saw lots of stuff that I wanted, but couldn’t truly justify buying right now. Being out of my apartment today kept my mind off of things and most importantly away from the mindless eating and it helped me forget that it was another drizzly day too. My emotions are definitely still jumping all over the place, but time will make that better. I guess it's good that I'll be busy this week with work and then classes starting up again.

It was a weird day of eating after the emotional eating episode yesterday I wasn’t super hungry today and being at the mall kinda messed up my usual eating pattern, but it turned out okay.

My biggest and best news is that I fought the bingemonster tonight…and I won!!

It was after dinner and I wasn’t exactly hungry but I really wanted some peanut butter and graham crackers so I allowed myself some. After I finished eating them there was this little voice in my head telling me to go back for more, to just finish off the entire box of graham crackers and then they would be gone and not tempting me anymore, but my stomach was saying that I really wasn’t hungry and I didn’t want them. Finally, I was able to tell the bingemonster voice in my head that I wasn’t hungry and if I finished off the graham crackers there wouldn’t be any to eat on another day and I wouldn’t be happy with that. It worked I didn’t finish the graham crackers, I brushed my teeth, and I currently feel satisfied and comfortable.

Food for today:
B: peach yogurt w/ oats and wheat bran
S: pineapple
L: 2 pieces WW toast with PB, carrot and hummus
D: eggplant parmesan, more pineapple
S: graham crackers w/ PB

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey girl!! That is awesome those endorphins left you feeling good today! What a good idea to try the bigger size on first so that you don't feel bad if the smaller one is too tight! I'll have to try that one Yeah size doesn't matter (just like weight really doesn't) its about being confident in our skin wearing things that look good on our bodies now! Wow well done using that self-talk to ward off that binge monster! Perfectly done..I ALWAYS remind myself that I don't need to pig out on something now because I can ALWAYS have it again later!! Mmm I love Eggplant Parm!! Hope you sleep good! ~L

Posted 5 months ago #
stopthemadness
Member

way to go! Don't you love it when you turn down the binge monster and you wake up the next morning with a another binge free day racked on? Last night I had some delicious rice pudding and the binge was calling me to eat more.. but I didn't. I'm so happy.
hope you have another awesome binge free day :]

-Emi

Posted 5 months ago #
El
Member

Hey Hil!
Just been reading through your journal and I can relate to so much of what you said.
At the beginning of your journal you talked about what triggered your BED - and I am so sorry for your loss. The last time I saw my Grandfather he was ill with cancer - I went to visit him and I remember thinking that it was the last time I was probably going to see him as he was so ill.....and as it was at the height of my BED - I left early to go to the gym - I could have stayed longer - When he died I tore myself apart over this - but I know that I can't change the past - and I have no reason to feel guilty.....but I do know how consuming this can be.
I also wanted to say CONGRATS on beating the Binge monster earlier - well done - you should be so very proud.

Posted 5 months ago #
Hil87
Member

Lauren - Your well wishes on sleep must have brought me good luck with it b/c I slept really well last night. I'm finding I'm more aware of the bingemonsters little voice in my head, which is a really good thing. I also keep reminding myself to take one day at a time b/c everyday is going to be different.

Emi - Awesome job fighting the bingemonster too! It does feel great coming out on top and knowing that you are stronger than this. Tonight was tougher, but the important thing is that I didn't binge.

El - I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather. I am slowly letting go of the guilt and in general beginning to feel happier. Being here on this site and having the support of all of you really helps me get through things. Thanks and I did feel really proud when I went to bed last night knowing that I hadn't binged!

I feel like every night I battle the bingemonster or mindless eating monster and I know I’m not hungry, but being full doesn’t feel like being full anymore. I always feel like I can stuff more food into me and I know that deep down I don’t want to. So then I have to fight that stupid voice in my head. I overate after dinner tonight, deep down I know I didn’t want the food, but I told myself I could have a little so I wouldn’t feel deprived, but then I had some more after that. I didn’t binge though, I did eventually stop but the thing is I shouldn’t have started in the first place. I wish I could be satisfied listening to what my body really wants again. I know this is going to be tough and I know that I need to completely let go of perfection and that this isn’t an overnight change and I do know that this is all possible b/c I can read so many of your success stories right here.

I need to stop dwelling on how some of my clothes fit now b/c that causes anxiety and ironically brings on the binging. When I don’t think or worry about any of this I’m so much happier and then the weight stuff really isn’t an issue anymore. Part of me fears that I’m not as strong as I think to recover from this, but I know that is a lie and that I can do it, it is possible. I think the first step I really need to focus on is recognizing true hunger and real fullness and being satisfied with all of the good food I do eat.

Food for today:
B: oatmeal w/ skim milk raspberries and a banana
S: 1/2 blueberry crisp Clif Bar
L: 1/2 WW pita w/ mustard, eggplant, and spinach, 1/2 pear, celery w/ PB
S: WW toast w/ PB and fun size mini malt ball things from work
D: 2 small tacos, salad – spinach, celery, carrots, w/ balsamic vinegar, pineapple
S: Graham crackers w/ PB

Way too much PB today and when I read over what I ate I feel kinda grossed out from all the PB even for as much as I absolutely love it.

Proof how being on this site helps me...I usually write my entry first and then go back and respond to everyone's comments. Well tonight my journal entry felt less than positive, but after reading all of the positive and encouraging things you guys say my mood instantly feels better.

Posted 5 months ago #
stopthemadness
Member

hil! I totally have to fight that voice not to binge every day too. It's really a struggle but I feel that we are learning and of course it's not going to be easy like you said. I am just sooo used to stuffing food in my stomach until I am sooo full that it's painful. I'm not used to being just content anymore.. I need to relearn this. Today I overate a little but I'm not going to let that voice say "well u overate so come on binge!" no way. I know that I need to do this in order to beat BED. However, I do have thoughts of what if I gain weight from eating this amount of food.. since I am used to trying to restrict my eating. But I know this is better than restricting and then binging horribly on the weekends which really causes weight gain. hurray for you not binging. your food looks fine. just focus on not binging! <3 Emi

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Hil!! Glad you got that nice nights rest! Being aware of the binge monsters voice is a huge thing...especially so you can identify his voice and differentiate it from your real one. It hard at the beginning of this to not over eat and to feel satisfied..first because I think your head/body isn't sure if your really going to let yourself keep eating what you want and not start restricting again...and because you are still probably eating to fulfill some emotional needs....but the more you get into this process the more you'll trust that that food will ALWAYS be there to have some moderation is easy and the more you'll find other ways to cope with life and fill those needs you have outside of food. But its a process so just focusing on day by day is perfect. I agree just not letting those weight loss/tight clothes thoughts in really does help. If I sit there and obsess about how much more weight I WANT to lose, then that would take me completely off track...so I just refuse to let those thoughts in and convince myself I am perfectly content where I am now Hope you have a great day!! ~Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
chloe
Member

hey hil! thanks for commenting on my journal. i think that you've been great battling the monster in your head. keep it going; you're such an inspiration to me!

Posted 5 months ago #
El
Member

Hey Hil,
I struggle after dinner too - I think that I finish my meal and then somthing flips in my brain and I feel like I need more. It takes so much to become aware of the binge monster's voice and it is the start of the process that will enable you to control it.
I have found it so hard distuingishing what is real hunger from what may be emotion eating - and I overeat all the time - I am forgiving myself though - and I know that in time this will lessen!
You are so right about the support here - It is invaluable - I know that guilt can be so heavy to carry around - but it was something I worked through on my own terms and when I was ready.
The best advice I was given (most probably by Lauren ) was to take tiny steps - I always try to look way into the future and think things happen overnight - but it does take time to unlearn such controlling and unhealthy eating habits.
Girl - at the start of this process I threw out loads of clothes I had kept hold of - that I used to put on to show to myself how 'fat' I was - I realised that this was just an awful, horrible thing to do - and I got rid of them - it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
You're doing so well.

Posted 5 months ago #
cookiemonster
Member

Hey Hil !
Im so proud of you, its great that you went to the mall and felt happy and put on a cute outfit and held your head high. Its also amazing you managed to stop with those graham crackers. I always think that too, oh just finish them so like that theyre gone and the temptation is gone. But then we always feel like crap and regret it right? So glad you didnt have to experience that. Its totally normal to overeat in the spirit of "not depriving ourselves". Ive been doing that every since Im trying intuitive eating lol. I think with time it will be easier to just not do it, but its so hard to determine whats real hunger and whats not, and to stop at the exact point of fullness.
ITs definitely about the baby steps even though I feel like crap right now. Im in the same boat with the clothes so I totally know how you feel. Youre doing great keep it up xox

Posted 5 months ago #
Hil87
Member

Emi - Yes, trying to remember what it is like to just be happy with being content with the food we eat is tough. I need to remember how my body feels when I overeat or binge and how it leaves me feeling gross, so that I'll be happy with just being comfortable and content. You're doing a great job too!

Lauren - I love your encouraging words, I feel like you offer up so much wisdom. <3 I'm glad that I recognize the binge monster's voice, but it is so enticing to me at times. I also need to start thinking about new coping methods, something to feel the food void. I would really like it to be running b/c I feel like when I exercise I am able to let out so much frustration etc. With the improving weather I'll be able to take my workouts outside.

Chloe - Thanks <3, I'm so happy that I am an inspiration to you. You're doing a great job too, keep up the hard work!

El - You're totally right about baby steps, it's just making myself do them and not want to jump in, do it all at once to get the fastest results and ultimately crash and burn. I am learning to forgive myself over the slip ups b/c I know that if I beat myself up I'll just want to binge, but it is still hard b/c I feel like I should get mad at myself and then restrict. Also, it is good to know that I'm not the only one who has had the clothes she kept around to try on and use as punishment over weight gain, which I know not to do to myself now.

Anou - Thanks for your kind words! <3 You're exactly right when I have finished something so it wasn't there "tempting" me and just gone and done with I always felt like crap after and then beat myself up about losing control and eating like that. What BED does to you is awful, but it feels so great to have small victories over it.

Chloe -

Today was a pretty boring day. Classes started back up again and it had me missing spring break. At least it was partly sunny outside. I also think the time change caught up with me because I felt exhausted and like I was fighting to keep my eyes open. I also felt kinda weird today just kind of slightly under the weather, but that could be due to the overeating I’ve been doing or the fact that I’m so lucky and it is time for my cycle.

Also, this is my first week back in classes while officially fighting off the BED, so I’m trying to work proper intuitive eating into my class schedule, but it was all messed up. It used to be I ate very little during the day or week and then you know made up for it on the weekends or at night.

Some guys who expressed interest in me way back when I started dating the now ex have found out that I’m single again and have started bugging me, well being a little too persistent about things. Honestly, I’m not that interested in them (I know it sounds mean) and I’m also feeling like I want to just be very single for a little while and most importantly by doing that I can focus on me and getting my life back on track. Getting my life back on track and really making an effort at it is a huge priority for me right now. It is flattering to know that there are some boys who are interested in me; don’t get me wrong about that, I’m just not really wanting it right now.

As for my food today, like I mentioned earlier it just felt all off today and right now I feel so full. I did stay away from the peanut butter today after overdoing it yesterday.

B: Banana (I know that this isn’t enough, but I was running late for my 7:45am class)
S: 2 pieces WW toast w/ butter
L: Vanilla w/ honey Greek yogurt and pineapple
S: Half of a pear
D: 2 small tacos w/ ground beef, spinach, and cheddar cheese, carrot sticks, and mango
S: graham crackers (no PB with them, but still had WAY too many)

I must make more of an effort to feel my fullness and actually stop eating and remember what being too full feels like. I also haven’t gotten to work out in 2 days, which probably doesn’t help how my body feels. I’m going to make every effort to workout tomorrow.

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey girl! Aw thanks...yeah it is important to come up with other coping mechanisms! Running is a great stress relief just make sure it doesn't fall into any kind of exercise compensation thing you know? For me my biggest coping mechanisms are probably chats with friends and journaling on here! But you will find what works for you! Sorry boring classes started again...I'm sure it will take some juggling to figure out how to eat intuitively around your class schedule. I used to bring lots of snacks in my bag with me to classes... I'm glad guys are pursuing you so you know what a good catch you are but I think there is something to be said about staying single now so you can focus on your life and getting yourself to the place you want to be at. You will only be at your best in a relationship when you are really happy with yourself so focus on getting Hil to a great place! Then those guys will still be lined up at the door.... ~L

Posted 5 months ago #
Hil87
Member

Guys, I just put on my pants for work and they used to be so loose on me, I swear they were just last week when I wore them. I know there is more than one reason for this right now, I could be bloated and retaining water etc. But it is just so disheartening and makes me feel not great. Basically, I feel fat today and it makes me not want to go out. I feel so bad for saying that and like I'm letting myself down in some way for having these negative thoughts. GAH! Okay, I do have to leave for work in a minute and I swear that when I post later I will try to be a happier more positive person, the one I know I can be. <3

Posted 5 months ago #

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