Tips to stop binge eating, stop overeating, stop emotional eating, stop eating fast food, stop eating junk food
Have I tried everything?
February 2, 2012 at 1:36 pm #4513
I’m 37, so maybe I should say I’m a young woman, but I still think I’m just a girl, and many many times I feel like a child.
I developed an eating disorder at about 15, although of course the causes of my symptoms go further back in time.
At 15 it all started with dieting – although I didnt need to lose weight. But I wanted to be super slim, and I started fasting. My anorexic phase didnt last too long, as I soon discovered you could overeat and purge (vomiting, in my case).
I hid my bulimia until I was 19, when out of desperation I asked for and accepted help.
I went into therapy (psychoanalysis) for about 10 years and recovered.
Then I fell for the wrong guy, P., a guy who after 5 months said he couldnt really love me because I wasnt thin enough and so refused me sexually. I was in love with this guy, but he was obviously a very bad influence. For the first time in years my analyst clearly told me what I had to do – I had to leave him, of course. I couldnt. Or maybe what I didnt want to leave was, at bottom, my disorder. I kinda fought with my analyst on this, and he made what I now consider as a mistake although probably he was trying to help. He let me go, saying I didnt need to be in therapy any longer. I was too proud to question that, and left. But deep down I felt he was abandoning me.
After a few months out of therapy I broke up with P., but I didnt feel better. I started regressing and went back to my bulimia, plus I developed a sleeping disorder. Life was a nightmare again for 3 years, until I went and saw a neurologist for my sleeping problem.
He put me on a medication that worked really well. I started having a normal life again and lost all the weight I had gained in the previous 3 years. The neurologist also suggested I started seeing and analyst again, but this time a woman. I followed the advice and was in therapy for 5 more years. Therapy helped a lot and I took further important steps in discovering who I am and what I want from life. However, I now see that at bottom I was lying, to myself and the therapist. Yes, lying, because what most mattered to me was only to stay thin. And since I had found out that the medication my neurologist had given me had weight loss as a side effect, I kept taking it even after I had stopped seeing the neurologist.
In the meantime I fell in love again and started cohabiting. The relationship ended after 16 months and left deep scars. At one point this guy too refused me sexually. I was crushed. I stopped eating and went back to my minimum weight ever. I also started to binge, not on food but on casual sex. I must have slept with at least 10 guys in a year.
Then I started struggling with my weight again. I didnt gain much, but was vomiting again.
Then I met another wrong guy, fell for him and was eventually refused.
Thats probably when I thought I was a complete failure – thought “with my guts”, for on the surface Im always fighting for myself and even think Im an incredible person. But I guess there’s a hole deep down in my chest. Im scared to really live.
In the last couple of years I have touched the sky only to fall down into my personal hell.
I quit my job and was offered the chance of a lifetime to move abroad and start a new career in music. I grabbed the chance.
Then, the person I was supposed to work, an much older man, tried to seduce me. I was disgusted, but also felt guilty.
I started binging and dieting, messing up with pills and stuff, and finally I went back to vomiting.
Now Im moving back home and started to work again in my field. I dont really care that my music career never happened, I mean, Im fine with telling people I failed that. But I realize that I must be terribly scared. I binge every day and am fat again for I try to avoid purging. I’ve also isolated myself again.
I dont know how to get out of this. After so many years I’ve lost faith. I tell myself that it’s okay to be fat, but I feel I am a monster and keep punishing myself.
Im so good at being miserable.
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