Hi all,
I found this site and I have read some journal`s and postings and thanks to that I got out of my last 3 day binge cycle.
I am born in 1987 in Estonia (it is a country in Europe, overseas form Finland, Sweden and next to Russia). My first 3 years of school were great, I got a best friend and we did everything together (we have been friends ever since). But then we had to move about 20 km away and I had to go to a new school. I stayed in contact with my best friend but at the new school I was very shy, because I didnt know anybody. So soon other children started teasing me and I never managed to say anything back, so I usually just sat there red faced and took all that was coming to me :( So from there started my low self-esteem. I was never fat or ugly, my only flaw was that I was shy and children can be so cruel when they sense that you are weak and afraid of them. So anyway I suffered for 4 years and finally told my mum about it and I was put to another school, I was 14 then. Then something changed in me- I became very outgoing and all the shines was gone, but my low self-esteem stayed. From 14 to 17 everything was great- I was all the time partying, had tons of friends etc. My best friend has always been very thin and secretly I wished that I was that thin also. But I was not fat; I was 167 cm tall and weighed around 56 kg. When I was 17 I went to Spain for 1, 5 month and lost about 8 kg. But when I came back I gained the weight back, but wanted to get rid of it again. So I started to eat a little bit less and exercise twice a week. I soon started to lose weight but was never satisfied. Finally I weighed 43 kg, but saw myself still not skinny enough - I became anorexic. I was anorexic for a year. Then suddenly I started to eat and from there I became anorexic bulimic. By then I was 18. I went to live in Finland with my friend to escape from bulimia but it came after me. So I came back and started to take antidepressants. By then I had developed BED but still threw up sometimes. I had never weighed so much-64 kg. In summer (I was 19); things started to go better, I was sociable, lost some weight and had a boyfriend. We started living together. I went back to school to try to finish it, but it didnt go so well. My boyfriend worked all the time and I was home alone (supposed to be at school) and ate everything, threw up and started to eat again. It went on like this for a year- It was my lowest point. I lied to my family and my partner that I did go to school. Once I cut myself to feel something besides the depression- I really hated myself. Next year I went back to school. Something changed in me- I didnt throw up anymore and binged less. I even bought an exercise device at home. I finished school with good grades and had lost more than 8kg. I even stopped taking antidepressants. I was reading self help books and feeling more positive about life. In last autumn I went to university to study health promotion (isnt it funny that we all study something related to health). I was working and studying, but still overate at least once a week. Things got bad last winter when I didn’t work that much and had more free time to binge 
I gained all the weight back and was depressed. So this summer I went to Spain for 2 months and lost the weight again, but still overate at least once a week (occasionally threw up). Now I’m back and in 3 months I have gained the weight back AGAIN!!! I broke up with my boyfriend and now I guess I’m trying to fill the void with food. I was on a 6 day binge cycle last week Every day I said to myself:’ tomorrow I will be good, but the next day I said the same thing. None of my clothes fit me anymore and I am afraid to weigh myself.
I can totally relate to all of you here. When I binge I don`t answer my phone, procrastinate meeting friends, doing homework and going to the gym- I’m like high on drugs (food). It has been now 5 years of battle with different eating disorders and I am tired of it all. But reading to all these posts here has given me strength to keep on going and not to give up! Because I know that I want to live and be free from this addiction!
Estonia is a north east country and appearance is very important. A lot of girls are suffering from some kind of eating disorder, but nobody is really talking about it. They write about them in the newspapers, but we dont have a place where we can openly talk about our problems. We dont have forums like this. And when somebody is talking about eating disorder, it’s always about somebody`s friend or someone they know, never themselves. That is why I have decided to create a web page of ED and a forum like this one 
I am sorry that I wrote so much but it`s difficult to sum up 5 years shortly. And also you have to excuse my spelling, because English is not my mother language.
I will start keeping a journal here and try to beat this BED. I know that once you have had an ED, you will have setbacks, but the main thing is not perfection but progress. I also see a therapist and work on my low self esteem. So lets see how its going to go shall we
Gylnara 
well it`s not so bad, but still....
But I will not binge !