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Georgite's Journal

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Started 6 months ago by Georgite
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Georgite
Member

Good morning everybody!

Today’s post is a special one for me. Last night I had one of the biggest binges ever. Strangely, something inside me felt that this is the last time – the last binge ever. Now, I’ve told myself more times than I care to remember, ‘This is my last binge EVER’, and then I always binge again. But I just KNOW that yesterday was really the very last binge. I know it. I know it. I know it.

I am too tired of falling down. I am too tired of picking myself up again. I am tired of living in a exhausting, time-consuming, energy-consuming, emotionally draining life of binging, recovering, binging, recovering, binging, recovering . . .

I now look forward to a life of staying standing whatever it takes. While I was binging last night, I made myself aware of how much it hurts me – physically and emotionally. Intellectually, I always knew that binging hurt me, but I’ve never let myself truly FEEL it, because I’ve always felt so removed from my own body when I am binging – like I am watching myself from the outside. And then it is easy to just forget how much it hurt – and easy to fall into the binge trap again. But now that I’ve really felt the pain, I will never forget.

All of life’s challenges, sufferings and sadness I will now have to face without eating through it. And it is going to be very, very hard. But I know that it is going to get easier. Because that is what all you girls who’ve been binge-free for a while now have said – and I know that the same will be true for me. I am making this my number one priority and I’m going to work on it daily. Because for as long as I’m still binging, the rest isn’t really worth it.

Last night, I took out my journal and just started writing. I wrote out black on white all the lies that I have been telling myself about this disease that has kept me from healing myself, from breaking away completely. I am done with lying to myself about whether I am in control or not; whether I’m in danger of binging; whether I’m eating enough; whether I’m physically hungry; whether I’m tired, angry or lonely.

I’m excited about what lies ahead. I’m scared of what lies ahead. But I know that this will make me stronger. I’m looking forward to not having to lose weight all the time, to not having to compensate for my last binge, to not constantly worrying when my next binge is going to happen, to not having to deal with depressing post-binge days.
I will visit the Forum regularly and I will also keep posting. I consider this fundamental to my recovery. I know that I can get the support I need here.

I’m feeling good. I’m feeling hopeful. I actually feel like buying myself something today. I’m thinking flowers.

(I apologise for the length of this post – in future I’ll keep it short!)

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Aw Georgite...so glad to see you started a new journal. I am excited to see how far you go in recovery and how much progress you make here. Keep your head up, stay positive, and determined...its a tough process, but the more you put into it, the more you''ll get out. I'll be here cheering you on! Hugs, Lauren

Posted 6 months ago #
Georgite
Member

Thanks Lauren - that means a lot to me!

South Africa would love a visit from you. You should definitely make a trip down South!

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Ahh don't tempt me No that is definitely one my to-travel-to list but I'm spreading my travels out over like 5-10 years so not sure when I'll get to S. Africa but when I do I'd love to come visit you! Hope you have a nice day! ~Lauren

Posted 6 months ago #
Christy56
Member

Awww Georgite,

I know exactly how you feel. It's right when we're shoving the 15th cookie in our mouth when we decide that it all hurts too much and we're done...forever.

Whatever happens, you're taking the first step to recovery, and that's so important. And you feel good about it, which makes all the difference.

I'm not one to be giving much advice since I'm still digesting the food from my last binge, but I wish you the best of luck.

I'm sure you can do it!

Posted 6 months ago #
cookiemonster
Member

Hey girl !
I am happy to see that you sound very determined to make a change. That post was very insightful and its good to let your emotions out in your journal. Just think of it as a long slow process and take baby steps, and take note of your mini victories. The more of those you accumulate the stronger and more motivated youre going to feel ! Were all rooting for you! Looking forward to reading your posts

Posted 6 months ago #
Georgite
Member

Hey everyone!

Thanks for all the encouragement. Today is day two of my binge-free life. It has been incredibly hard but successful. I'm going through the most stressful time imagineable and the next week and a half I will have to work my butt off. Secondly, for some odd reason I am hungrier than usual - I don't usually get hungry, especially if I'm too stressed and busy to notice it. Thirdly, my self-confidence has taken a massive blow after two tests I worked really hard for went spectacularly wrong. And fourthly, the heat wave is showing no signs of passing. And I had to get through all that without eating through it. But I did it. And I feel proud (at least about the not binging part - not the tests!).
I can't wait for the next week and a half to pass - then I'll have a wonderful weeklong holiday! And I'll finally have time to post about something interesting.

Cheers!

Posted 6 months ago #
jent
Member

Thank you for this post...the first one at the beginning of your journal...

Posted 6 months ago #
Ecu
Member

Hi Georgite,

Well, long posts are mooost welcome! You do have the right to write all you feel. We are happy to be able to read all you have to say. It´s a very important part of the process. In order to recover, you need support and if you can find people which do know what you´re going through, as we are dealing/have dealt with BE too.

At Kristin´s ebook you should go re-read the part about how to get started, what to do in week 1, week 2...

I am trying Fairburn´s Self-Help Program and tomorrow I will be at step 2 (finally weighin just once a week woah!). Took me almost 3 weeks to get over step 1. And got to step 1 after a month of thinking about BE and what I should do about it. And before that I went up and down in the scale for 12-14 years. So it definitely takes a lot of time, but dont hurry to be there the soonest, but go the way you feel is right for you.

So if these advices help you, let me know. It will make me very happy to know you feel better.

Have a great b-free day and stay positive

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Oh Georgite..major kudos for getting through such a stressful period BINGE-FREE!! That truly is awesome. Just chug along these next 1.5 weeks and things will get better. Hope that heat wave passes and comes straight over to me And if you are feeling hungrier than usual, just go with it and give yourself extra food. Your doing great! Sorry to hear about tests Hugs, Lauren

Posted 6 months ago #
Georgite
Member

I'm writing my first test tonight - then four more to go. I can't wait for it to be over. Then my parents will stay here for a weekend - I think I can do with a bit of nurturing . . .
Isn't it ironic how we sometimes use food to cope with stress when it actually creates even more stress (and we're usually well aware of that fact)? I'm doing my best to stay aware of how and what I am feeling and controlling my impulses so that I can rationally decide how best to deal with the emotion. So far so good. I'm also using awareness to help me with my problem foods. I know that if I can just keep the 20 minutes after I've eaten the specific problem food (which for me, as you know by now, is especially fruit) clean (i.e. not go back for more) then I'm fine. So I keep telling myself it's JUST 20 minutes! After 20 minutes the impulse to have more has passed. Awareness, awareness, awareness . . .

Ecu, than you so much for your advice. I find it extremely valuable; I actually frequently go back to previous replies from you to re-read it in case I've missed something. You are really speaking my language, if you know what I mean. Keep posting. I would love to hear how you are progressing with your recovery. Do you think Fairburn has helped you?

This forum has been such a big help for me. It keeps me from lying to myself and it keeps me accountable. And lying to myself has probably caused the biggest delay in my road to recovery.

Posted 6 months ago #
Ecu
Member

Hey lady!

I am so glad that my advices are helping you. I am really thinking about you and hoping you feel great!

Sorry that I started a post without my name on it, I thought that could be modified later but seems not possible and dont know if I should just copy all the previous stuff I wrote. Here is it!

http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/so-first-step-admit-i-have-a-problem

I am really getting so curious about your fruit thing, lady!

Fairburn´s book is soooo amazing. I think what helps me the most is to make this non-food issue but psichologic/emotional issue a objective matter. This can be done by letting others who know about what your going through: forum members, books of BE-expert authors, a close friend... My diary was also a good step. Another objective thing everyone can do.

I told my mom today about my BE, and told her how this last 2 months have made me move forward. She has understood me very well. Wanted to tell her too because she has weight issues and was in a weight los program and left that. That was kinda the same story I suffered last year. We are soooo done with diets It is awesome

So, this forum is a great idea. I wish everyone who has BE finds us and finds his/her healthy life again

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Girl you are so right....bingeing to deal with stress or really any emotion is SO counterproductive! It just makes that stress, sadness, anxiety WAY worse! It like helps for about 5 seconds and then EVERYTHING in life looks soo bad. So keep that in mind, along with the fact that if you ride out that bingey feeling for 20 minutes, it almost always passes! Good luck on the rest of your exams! ~Loz

Posted 6 months ago #
Ecu
Member

By letting other know: experts... wasnt correctly written. I mean books help. Started writing somth and then ... sorry

Lots of luck with those exams

Posted 6 months ago #
Georgite
Member

I have also found books and articles helpful, Ecu. They are written from the perspective of a person who KNOWS what it is like to live with BE. It’s impossible to imagine what it must be like to suffer from BE if you don’t. That’s probably why going to a psychologist didn’t help me. (To be honest, I actually went to four in less than three years). I told my mother about my BE as soon as I knew I had it. I was still living at home then, so I didn’t have much of a choice. She has always tried her best to support me and to understand, but she doesn’t understand at all. Usually I can count on her whenever I need to and if I follow her advice about anything I know that it will work out. So not being able to depend on her or use her advice on this most important issue has made it very hard for me. She has never had a weight problem in her life, eats what she wants, has a perfect relationship with food and is very slim. (So BE is definitely not in my genes!). Which makes me even more grateful that I discovered this forum. I completely agree about doing objective things. Writing in my journal has been a huge help. I am now making it a daily commitment.

Something that I have found a very helpful thing in the long term was finding my femininity. Somehow I lost that completely during my years as an anorexic. I started working on the non-weight aspects of my appearance, like dressing more ‘me’ and looking after my skin and hair. I never did any of those things when I was anorexic – I didn’t want to spend a minute on my body as I felt completely disconnected from and repulsed by it. I finally feel like a women again. (Gosh, that sounds strange!)

And thanks for the link, Ecu. I will make that my weekend reading! And congratulations on being DONE with diets!

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey I can so relate to finding your femininity..that helped me tons too! I used to put NO effort into my appearance (asides from trying to look deathly thin)..and now I always make my hair, makeup, and outfits look good and I think the confidence that comes from that are WAY more than would come from having that "perfect" body! I hope you have a great weekend! ~L

Posted 6 months ago #
Georgite
Member

Sooo unhappy with myself now!!! I just ate so much! I was already in bed and very tired but I couldn't fall asleep (I'm an insomniac) and I was really hungry. So I waited for the hunger to pass but it didn't, so I got up to get something to eat. And then I just ate a whole lot more than I needed. I don't really know if I should label that a binge, because I felt like I could actually stop, but I was just too tired and frustrated to care.
I'm really disappointed in myself now.
Affirmations to get me through this setback:
"I will grow through this pain. I am suffering. I do feel hurt. But I am coming out of it. There is a lesson in this. This pain is making me stronger."
"I am in control. Even if I slip in my commitment, it was a decision I made. I may feel out of control and everything is hopeless, but it is not true. I am in control."
"I can make mistakes. I don't have to be perfect."

Lauren, how long have you been binge-free now? Do you always feel in control? The reason I'm asking is because I sometimes wonder whether I'm maybe too quick to label something a binge even if it was just a little slip. Maybe that is why I've been struggling so much to recover from a binge - because I overreact to the slightest deviation from a disciplined eating pattern, and that in turn just makes me give up and have a proper binge. I'm probably not really making sense (hey, it's 1:40 am), but I am just so confused all of a sudden that I'm not even sure what 'binge-free' means anymore.

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey G. You know I think maybe trying to ignore your hunger while laying in bed maybe got you to the point of being ravenous so that once you did decide to get something to eat, you either felt a bit guilty and/or you were starving by that point so it was hard not to over eat. I would say don't get discouraged...use this to learn from. Maybe adding in a snack before bedtime (I almost always eat an hour or two before I go to bed) and next time you are feeling physically hungry, don't try to ignore it to wait for it to pass, listen to your body and have something to eat. No problem..learn from it and keep moving forward!

A week from today it will be 6 months for me. Honestly I have times where I over eat a bit, mindlessly eat, or emotionally eat but I never feel truly out of control..I just don't analyze it, I don't worry about it, and I don't try and be SUPER in control of every situation with food because I think the more you do that, the more it ends up making you want to lose control around food and go wild. I would say most definitely you have to loosen up your food plan and not try and follow a strict eating pattern because that does set you up for bingeing if you deviate...and this is real life so there will be MANY deviations. The more you can challenge yourself to get outside of your comfort zone and show yourself that you can roll with different eating situations the better. OK for example I LOVE granola so when I have it in my apartment I tend to snack on it...not a lot but when I get up to make breakfast I'll take a small pinch full...and I may do this a few times during the day...before that would freak me out, but now I don't care or think about it. I like it, I want it, I eat, and doing that is keeping me from feeling like I need to go crazy eating it. The second I try and limit or restrict it, or feeling guilty about eating it, is the second I will start bingeing on it. I don't know if that really answered your question but yes I think you need to realize that over eating sometimes is ok, emotionally eating sometimes is ok, eating something because you are craving it is ok, the only thing that is something you are trying not to do is have a full out, out of control, eat everything in sight binge. The rest of the stuff is NORMAL...all human beings over eat or eat for comfort on occasion.

Posted 6 months ago #
Georgite
Member

Thanks Lauren. Yes, that answered my question. My problem is that my hunger signals are completely mixed up. When I was anorexic I was very hungry for a very long time, and even though I'm recovered, my body has since given me all the wrong messages. Because whenever I try to listen to my body and eat what I think it's asking for, I just end up bingeing. Whereas when I plan my meals so that I know that if I stick to my plan I will get whatever my body could need, it makes it easier for me to distinguish between emotional and physical hunger and deal with it appropriately. But the problem with this approach is, like I said, that as soon as I have a tiny slip I panic and that leads to a binge.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am dependant on limiting and restricting. If I'm not limiting and restricting in some way it feels like I'm living in permanent panic mode, driving downhill without brakes. It makes me feel so anxious that I can't focus on anything else.

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hmmm well I can totally see how having been anorexic and not being sure that you are listening to your body's signals would make this process really difficult. What I usually suggest in the beginning instead of doing just all out intuitive eating, eat 3 meals a day with a few snacks (to make sure you don't end up restricting) and when you are eating those meals pay super attention to your body before, during, and after so that you start to really be aware of your hunger and fullness feelings. I know that having meals planned out feels safer, God knows I did that for 6 years, but to truly get to the place that you want to get to where you can have a normal relationship with food and not binge from veering off your plan, you have to learn to be really flexible with your plan. I promise not having a plan feels so scary and anxiety inducing at first, but once you get used to it and realize you really can trust your body, it is literally one of the most freeing and liberating things you'll ever experience. The problem is that limiting and restricting always leads back to bingeing..so to escape bingeing, you have to force yourself out of those old comfort zones...

Posted 6 months ago #
Georgite
Member

Hey Lauren. Thanks again - I really appreciate your insight. You'll go straight to heaven for the way you've helped me and just about every other person on this forum. You are truly a selfless person. The world needs more Laurens!

I KNOW that what you say about intuitive eating, trusting your body and being flexible is right (because it makes perfect sense), but I just hate it! I hate it and I don't know why. I KNOW that the only way out of this BED mess is listening to my body and trusting it and building a relationship with my body that I can build on and maintain for the rest of my life. What I'm doing now (whether I'm restricting or bingeing) is NOT sustainable. I think the reason why I hate the intuitive eating thing so much is because it is just too hard and too much effort. I've never had a healthy relationship with food or my body, so I'll have to start from the very beginning - and I don't think I even know where that is. I feel confused and hopeless.

I WANT TO plan every morsel I eat. I WANT TO stick to that plan. I WANT TO do that every day of my life. But it's impossible, impractical, unsustainable, it triggers binges, it affects everything I do - hell, it even affects my relationships (or lack thereof).
So I guess I'll have to make some changes then . . .

Posted 6 months ago #
Ecu
Member

Hi Georgite,

Sorry to answer that late. Felt lately like my help was not that needed, maybe because there are other users that do not need my advice or find that not helpfull. Was also so focused on other matters...

Well, I would like to give you some clear objective information about BE.

An objective binge is understood as a calory intake of 1000-2000 kcal in a 1 to 2 hour period of time. We may feel like we had binged, but actually had eated less calories and it is not exactly what the objective binge definition indicates. Then that is the so called subjective binge. This is due to our subjective way of seeing our eating patterns as bad when they differ from what is "permitted" from our point of view.

As Lauren said, you can have more food if you want to and you do not have to feel guilty about it. One good thing to do is to eat very regularly, i.e. each 2-3 hours, drink water, do not avoid foods. Hey I went to McDonalds last week! I even had 800 cal, and made it to weight less than the week before. I am very positive about my eating improvements, even when I eat junk food sometime. I´ve written about an amino acid which helped me from day one to forget about that craving feeling. You can read about that in my forum, if you want to.

About the affirmations, in order to do progress in your attitude they have to be positive. Our subconscient doesn´t understand complicated verb forms, so they have to be in present. If you say to yourself I am not going to overeat, your subconscient doesnt understand that, but the opposite thing, cause it doesnt understand negative affirmations. I have written my positive affirmations in my diary so I can read them whenever I want to. You can use them too:

I feel fabulous today
I love myself
I am stronger than any disorder
I love myself exactly as I am
I have peace of mind
I only eat when I am hungry
I release all of my negative emotions
I am confident and healthy
My life is changing for the better
My body is a sacred temple
Eating healthy comes natural to me
I am strong and in control of food
I can handle anything that comes along my way
I am feeling and seeing positive changes in my mind and body everyday

I have also written in my diary about when I had then weight I wanted and how I felt. It was a good time of my life, I was really healthy, went swimming 6 times a week, I loved my body so much, I was not that skiny, but it was ok, like 23,6 body mass index (from 20 to 25 is the normal weight range). I wrote what used to make my day happy, how great it was to be able so much sport, and so on.

I think of you and do know change is coming. Think about what you ate in an objective way. Maybe it was just a subjective binge. Do not push yourself, you are allowed to be not perfect

Hope these advices help you. I really want you to feel better.

Have a lovely binge free weekend

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Aw thanks you G...thats sweet of you. I just hope that I can help you pull yourself out of this. I seriously know 100% how you feel..I remember saying that same thing to my therapist a few years back...intuitive eating is TOO hard, too much effort...I hate paying attention to my body and having to eat slowly....I always wanted to find that perfect plan and stick to it..it just seemed so much easier. Believe me I understand because I was right there too. I just had to get to the point where I was tired of all the food rules & games and just wanted to do something that was freeing and sustainable for life. As hard as it was at first to let go of that stuff and do intuitive eating, to be honest, it is WAY easier than living by a meal plan. LIving by a meal plan your mind is still obsessing and planning food 24/7 while with intuitive eating you hardly think about food besides when you realize you are hungry and during eating...so it free your mind up to actually enjoy other aspects of your life. But really you just have to get to the point where you are ready for that..I know I wasn't for awhile, so have patience with yourself..you can't force it. When you are ready, you will know. Hugs, Lauren

Posted 6 months ago #
Georgite
Member

I have decided to dedicate my weeklong holiday starting Monday March 15 to really working on myself – mind, body and soul. I will be alone and nobody will bother me (my housemate will be away the whole week so I have the place I share with her for myself – aah: loud music! home spa! guilt-free unlimited bathroom time! I like her a lot and we get along fantastically but I enjoy living alone every so often).
I am going to really use the week to focus on myself and try my best to sort out my BED as best I can. Because right now I am so consumed by my work and so many other things and I’m so stressed that trying to get out of the binge cycle is just not happening. I’m going to do my best this coming week, but my work really needs to take priority right now.
I need to reconnect. If I can just have one week of eating well and really trying very hard to listen to my body and my mind and my soul and try to decipher what it is telling me instead of shutting it up with food is what I really need more than anything else. I need to get my confidence back.

Posted 6 months ago #
Ecu
Member

That´s my Georgite Enjoy that time with yourself. You will see how much that time was needed since long ago. Happens to me too

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

That really sounds like a great plan G! I know with all the work you are having to do and the stress its hard to get on track. But I look forward to hearing how Georgite Week goes ~L

Posted 6 months ago #
Georgite
Member

Thanks Ecu, Lauren.
Yes, Georgite Week will be an interesting one for me. I've never attempted anything like it and I'm actually completely at a loss at how to go about it. I'll have to do some planning . . .

Posted 5 months ago #
Georgite
Member

Good grief, I am struggling! I can’t seem to get myself together at all. I just can’t figure this out. I can’t like or love myself at all when I’m bingeing and my routine is now so messed up and deurmekaar (and there really just isn’t a English synonym for that) and I just feel so out of control. I have four test this week, 3 hours each. I really need to be focused now but I can’t stop thinking about what I just ate, what I should’ve eaten, how much I ate, what I am going to eat . . . I’ve tried to deal with it by dragging myself to the study centre where I am not tempted to eat and where I can put in a good 6 hour marathon study session. After that I usually feel better about myself, but then I get home and just start bingeing. I’m just so low right now and I feel so pathetic writing the one negative post after the other.

I have to find something positive. OK, here goes: I think I may have made an important ‘connection’ today. (My thoughts tend to wander a lot when I’m supposed to be studying). I remember something that happened to me when I was about 10 years old and I have a very, very strong feeling that that incident was the reason I stopped eating and became anorexic, as well as the reason why I started binge eating. I actually can’t believe I never realised this before! (But then again, the incident is so insignificant – but my interpretation of it at that time is what made the impact). I am wary of singling out one incident in my past and labeling that the cause of my eating disorders, but that incident is connected to so many other things that I can’t help but feel like I’ve hit a gold mine.

I’ve also been more honest about what I really want and need. I’ve realised that often I consciously, rationally DON’T want things that I subconsciously, emotionally DO want. Today for the first time I admitted to myself that although I really really really DON’T want and can’t have a relationship now (or ever) I DO crave intimacy. More than anything. But I don’t want to want it!!! I’m so very terrified of my own thoughts right now that I just want to be put to sleep.

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Oh G. I know how you feel....that bingeing really doesn't allow for any kind of self-love. I despised myself during those binge cycles. I know it feels so bad and you are really struggling at this point. I think if somehow you can get to the point where you really do intuitive eating and really let go of the weight loss mentality, those food thought obsessions will get better. I know bingeing is probably so much more appealing then sitting for 6 hours to study...thats such a tough thing. I wish I could just make it better for you friend. Its good you are figuring out where the EDs originated..just so you will forgive yourself for developing this ED. You were a child who did what you needed to do to cope in the environment you were in. I know what you mean there are parts of me that crave the intimacy of a relationship where the intellectual part of me knows that I am perfect happy and good on my own. You wrote you can't have relationship now or ever...you will have a relationship one day when the time is right. Please hang in there and don't give up hope. Big big big hugs.

Posted 5 months ago #
Ecu
Member

Hi,

I wish I could be there to give you a hug and just talk about things. That may help more than just writting but S. Africa is so far! Move to Europe

Well, I know that feeling you mention. I have had a few bad days last week and that situation has to do with that fear feeling, fear to fail. It´s almost paralising! Hate fear when it´s contra-productive. I usually need time to do things and when I feel like I can´t breath nor do things to get over that fear, it´s so overwhelming. I am working on that fear sensations too. Ordered some books. Remember BE has nothing to do with food but with emotional issues. Obviously the practical issue is the irrational eating pattern but the thing which really has to be fixed is inside of us.

I am now also working on non-eating-related activities. Going to post that in my blog too. Hope that gives you also a clue about what else to do instead of eating.

And well, if nothing works and you think you are uncapable of doing it alone, remember I am going through this with the help of an amino acid, and that is the main reason why I dont feel the urge to eat. Maybe you can do some research and try.

Or just give you time and be focused on the exams and try to know you more, use that free week to improve your self-knowledge and do not punish yourself because you binge now, but try to take actions when you have the time.

You decide, you are your own boss, so be nice with your employee! Come on Georgite!

I send you a huge hug!

Posted 5 months ago #
Georgite
Member

Aaah, thanks girls - your kind words are worth more to me than anything money can buy. I'm just so low right now.

I’m bingeing while reading Women’s Health. How terribly sad. I am just so out of control. I’m doing soooo much damage and I feel like I just can’t stop. I’m so angry at myself for erasing my hard-earned weight loss with every bite. And I’m panicking because my exercising is just not up to standard because of the heat. And from past experience I know that the further I slip back, the harder it gets to pull myself out.

In my mother tongue, Afrikaans, we have a saying ‘Hoe eet jy ‘n olifant? Stukkie vir stukkie.’ (Translation: ‘How does one eat an elephant? Piece by piece.’) BED is such an elephant-sized problem and I know I have to tackle it piece by piece. I just have to find the pieces. But I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. If I don’t learn from my mistakes then I’ll just end up hurting myself again and again. I don’t consider myself a weak person – when I put my mind to something I can generally do it. Which is why it is so frustrating that I can’t seem to heal myself from BED. I know that recovering from BED is a very hard thing to do. I know that it takes a lot of hard work and determination. Yet it feels like I’m swimming against the current, and that the real answer actually lies downstream. Or maybe I’m just trying to fool myself.
I want to change so badly. On the one hand I’m relieved about the fact that I’ve finally pinpointed the cause of my eating disorders (after thinking about it some more, I am even more strengthened in my conviction that the incident in question was actually the cause); on the other hand, I kind of feel like ‘Now what?’.

And I'm stressed because my parents are coming on Saturday and I'm in such a state and I don't even feel like a normal person. Actually, I don't feel like myself. I want to just lock myself away from everybody and everything (and take food with me!!). I want to, but I don't want to want to.

I have to study. I have to study. I have to study. Focus. Focus. Focus.

Posted 5 months ago #
Ecu
Member

Hey Georgite,

do you know that when you have a problem it is better to do like the armies do, DIVIDE and you will succeed! So by taking small decisions and not summing up all the wrong things, you may rewin your self-confidence and self-love but it is a everyday thing! Try to sum up the good things and not sum up the wrong ones. Be positive. You can do it!

The best activity if it is very heat is SWIMMING! That was my favourite activity. Try to find a pool and let me know if you love it too.

I hope your exams go very well.

Posted 5 months ago #
Georgite
Member

I just came back from a three hour exam - the venue was on the fourth floor of a building without air conditioning and it is 40 degrees outside. I was literally sitting in a pool of sweat. Glad that is over. Tomorrow another one. I'm not built for this heat! Swimming . . . mmmh . . . never really thought of that. I am looking to revamp my exercise routine soon because currently I'm really bored and unmotivated, so I'll keep that in mind.

Posted 5 months ago #
Georgite
Member

I know with all my heart that one day my posts will be positive.
Today's affirmation:
I am happy, healthy and focused.
I am happy, healthy and focused.
I am happy, healthy and focused.
I am happy, healthy and focused.
I am happy, healthy and focused.

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

OH man it sounds blistering hot there. Wow I think I would jump naked into a pool every afternoon I'm glad that you are realistic about what recovery for BED is like, and that you know that it is a tough process. I think maybe you should figure out if the thing that is not letting you get rid of the bingeing is that you are still so focused on weight loss? I think to truly let go of BED, you absolutely HAVE to take the pressure off yourself to lose weight. Thats such a HUGE hurdle to jump but really key to letting go of the mentality that causes the binges. I love your positive affirmations...keep them coming! And don't lose hope friend. ~Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
Georgite
Member

Lauren, I hate to admit this, but I think you're right. Again. I am sure I am not nearly as focused on weight loss as I used to be, because I've already lost 16kg, but a part of me feels like it just can't be at peace before the last 9kg are also gone and the sooner I get that done the better.

I woke up in a more positive mood today. I actually feel like I can get some serious work done today, so now I'm going to make a cup of coffee and start studying. My breaks will be spent cleaning up the house, because that always lifts my spirits. I love cleaning! And obviously I can't let my parents come for a visit while the place is in its current state.

Oh, and it just started raining! Still very hot, though. But my garden (and me) is very relieved.

I know that if I can just get through TODAY without bingeing, that will already give me back some confidence in myself and set me on a healthier routine. Please hold thumbs that I can break the cycle!

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Lol sorry I was right. Again Yeah I know how you feel completely. For me I just felt I HAD to get back down to 110 pounds or I couldn't be ok with myself. But really you have to get rid of that illusion that those extra 9 kg will bring that internal peace, because it really won't. What happens if you get there but since you haven't learned how to have a healthy relationship with food or deal with your emotions, you start bingeing again and gain it all back. Not to scare you but thats the most realistic outcome of just dieting well. So the most sustainable way you can maintain the weight loss you have already had (which is AWESOME btw), and to continue to shed off the rest, is to learn to eat intuitively and work through your emotions and just forget about that weight loss. The more you focus or think about it, the more it will allude you. So change those thoughts to switch you focus off the weight loss! I'm so glad you woke up in a positive mood today!! Wow cleaning makes you happy?!?! You can come clean my apartment ANYTIME you want Have a great day today...YOU CAN DO IT!!!! Fingers crossed love. ~Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
Ecu
Member

Hi Georgite,

Weight is a thing and BE is another thing, BE is a more complicated issue, has not only to do with the way we deal with food, but with the way you see yourself, so weight will go back to the healthy range when you go back to doing things the way are supossed to be done. Look at me, I weight 81kg and still have to loose 8 to be at the healthy range, but it is ok to not be perfect. It needs time and effort. First is that you learn that you are not the enemy, the kgs. are not the enemy, the issue is inside of our mind. We have learned false statements like dieting is the clue to weightloss and we have to start learning from those mistakes.

One step at a time. First the mind, then the body will follow.

Be positive, you can do it

Posted 5 months ago #
Georgite
Member

Ecu, I absolutely agree with your statement 'first the mind, then the body will follow'. That is so true. Which is why I'm using affirmations, and I just know they will work - I just hope soon. Hey I also weighed 80kg! Actually, that was not too long ago - somewhere middle 2009. You've come a long way.

Yes, Lauren, I love cleaning. I'm not obsessive about it at all, but I get a certain silly joy out of a good cleaning up. Sometimes when I'm in the mood, but nothing needs cleaning then, well, that's actually upsetting. Silly, as I said . . .
I really, really, really hope I can get the intuitive eating thing right. I have a feeling that maybe that is my last hope. I actually can't believe how scared I am to just try it, considering my current desperate position.

I think a lot of my impatience with weight loss also stems from feeling like so much has to wait until I get to my perfect weight. It's pretty useless to buy new clothes now, because I hope not to fit into them soon.

After today, I think I’m back. I had a good day. I didn’t binge. I feel more in control. I even did some strength exercises. I recently got a 5kg dumbbell and my arms have gotten a lot stronger since. Does anyone here work out with a kettle bell? Is it good? I’m really curious about it. Apparently it’s quite effective.

Posted 5 months ago #
Ecu
Member

Cleaning helps by putting things in order, is a sort of giving structure to what you do, you will be able to concentrate more if you live in an organised environment. Plus, you burn energy which can not be used to binge hehe

Hey, saw a video in youtube about that kettlebell stuff and was scary as hell. My back is not 100 % ok, so such activities are not recommended for me.

I prefer sport activities that let me have fun. Swimming also helped me to relax a lot, mainly because of the breathing, it´s like a yoga session or even two of them. I have had problems with my capability to breath so I couldnt enjoy swimming for a period of time, but is the best activity ever. Wish I could swimm. Hope I can soon.

How are you doing with your personal food journal? Remember it is a tool you should use to be more objective about your eating habits.

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey I'm glad you had a good day today and are feeling well! Don't be scared to start intuitive eating...it is the solution to BED and is incredibly freeing! I had that same thing with weight loss thinking well "I'll go shopping, look cute, take care of myself, have friend....WHEN I AM SKINNY". Well what helped me was saying F that. I started hanging out with friends at the weight I was at, I went out and bought a few REALLY cute things that fit and looked good on me now, and I did the things I enjoy, started wearing makeup and doing my hair, instead of "waiting" until I was skinny and that made a WORLD of difference. Start living now...you deserve to ~L

Posted 5 months ago #
Ecu
Member

yeah, waiting for a possible happiness is not going to make us happier now, at this moment. so we have to go look for happiness right now

Posted 5 months ago #
Georgite
Member

I feel positive about today. I really hope I can make it through today binge-free. Today is my off day - I'm not writing a test tonight. So the stress is less, which is good; but that means I'll be at home all night, which is bad because that's when I'm most in danger of bingeing.
I spent such a big part of my life putting things off 'until I'm skinny' - that was before my problems with eating disorders started. Then when I did lose weight - A LOT of weight, way more than was healthy - I didn't do any of the things I was putting off. So yes, I might as well do them now. I have made some changes and I do look after my appearance more than in the past and it definitely makes a difference. The only negative side effect has been that I developed a less than healthy obsession with earrings. Once I started buying earrings, I couldn't stop. Nothing expensive, but I don't know where to keep them anymore. I recently gave my mother a few pairs - that got rid of a bit of guilt. And I can only wear one pair at a time! I do buy less now, and with a lot of will power I can actually walk past the accessories part of a clothing store without buying something.

Thanks again for all your posts. I'll let you know how my day went.

Posted 5 months ago #
Georgite
Member

Today's affirmations:
Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.
I love and care for my body.

Posted 5 months ago #
Ecu
Member

I love and care for your body too, baby!

Posted 5 months ago #
Georgite
Member

Another good day. Thank heavens - I almost thought I was never going to pull myself out of that binge. Thanks for all the support, girls. I stand on your shoulders.
I am now just really looking forward to next week. Rest! Reading! Doing nothing! Yoga! Cleaning! Whatever! Whenever! And above all, being alone. And being let alone. Oh selfish me!

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Aw G so glad you had another good day!!!! Hope you enjoyed your no test writing, less stressful day! I'm glad that you realize that even when you did lose all that weight before, you still didn't really "live" so there is no point waiting to start living now until you lose weight! Ha I think your earring obsession sounds kind of fun Feel free to send some my way...I'm a boring earring wearer...my grandma gave me diamond studs a few years back and I never take them out I think I'm a sentimental jewelry girl! Ahh you next week sounds brilliant! Have a great rest of your day! Hugs, L

Posted 5 months ago #
Ecu
Member

Heyyyy congratttttsss!!!

I love to hear such great news! I think you have to enjoy those free days to relax and look inside of you. The process to overcome BE involves you growing up and getting to know you better (which is smth we forget to do!). I am sure you will find a lot of peace of mind during those days.

Have a great evening

Posted 5 months ago #
cookiemonster
Member

Hey Georgite ! It makes me smile to see that youre doing so well ! I really love your affirmations as well. I am definitely guilty of procrastinating things until Im "skinny". Im trying to tell myself come on if it was the end of the world wouldnt you regret wasting so much time focusing on that. We deserve happiness at no matter what weight because we are more than what we look like. Now I just have to believe that myself hehe !
Take care lovely girl !

Posted 5 months ago #
Georgite
Member

Yes cookiemonster, we sure are more than what we look like. I sometimes think maybe that was the reason the universe decided to make BE cross my path – so that I can see that no matter how much I weigh, people don’t like me any less, and I can still enjoy life’s simple pleasures.

Lauren, I was a stud-earring type of girl for about a decade, and then I bought my first pair of looooong earrings and, well, the damage was done. I’m very short, so maybe I’m using earrings to add length where I can! I own absolutely nothing expensive or sentimental – I’d be too scared to lose it.
Ecu, I really do hope I will find peace of mind on my upcoming off days – that’s what I need now.

I realised that, ironically, the more food I have around, the less tempted I am to binge. Well, generally at least. For some reason I start panicking when there’s not a lot of food at hand, and sometimes that’s enough to trigger a binge. So I suppose I’ll have to stock up then. Maybe if I do and I see the food and know it is there I can trick my mind into thinking I am a normal person around food so that I will then act according to what my mind tells me I am.

Posted 5 months ago #

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