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Fighting the fear
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March 7, 2012 at 3:13 pm #4702
Hey! My name is L; I’m a language student, currently living in the Middle East. Have spent a long time hovering around this website trying to work out if my own comparatively mild issues justify a little space of my own here… I think really, I knew the answer long ago.
I’ll start at the beginning. All the women in my family seem to suffer from roughly the same problem: good genes that load us with potential for long and healthy lives, but a tendency to be our own worst enemies when it comes to food. Some time ago, after a long period of slowly but steadily putting on weight, I suffered from a brief period of severe self-deprivation and ended up weighing about 29 kilos, I kid ye not. Having spent most of my teenage years harbouring a gory fascination with mental patients I think it’s fair to say my curiosity was satisfied; I’m now a healthy weight, and I am never, ever going there again. Not for anything.
I’m sure at this stage you’re wondering why the hell I’m on here. My problem now is that I can’t seem to stop putting on weight. I’ve become so used to overeating, because for such a long time I needed to do it and was encouraged to, that now I don’t feel right if I know I haven’t eaten too much. Even though the days when I don’t eat to excess (and believe me, there have been about 3 in the last year) are the ones where I feel the best. Last year at university food was my best friend; I’d eat whole boxes of cereal, kilo jars of peanut butter and Maryland biscuits, cosy in my room. I got bigger and bigger but was still stuck in the mindset of “I’m the skinny girl who needs to bulk up, and can eat whatever I want”. It’s not worked out too well.
This year I finally want to call a halt to the madness. I’m in love, can speak some Arabic, and want to be a writer. I’m scared if I don’t stop soon I’ll turn on myself again, the yo-yoing will never stop and I’ll end up like my mad scrawny auntie who couldn’t have children. I’m scared of turning sleepy and numb forever, and food becoming the only pleasure in life as it sometimes seems to be. But I’m also scared of being hungry because that’s when the planning and panicking and controlling comes in. The Binge Monster vs Gum-Chewing Girl. I’m bored and exhausted, feel like I’ve lost half my life, and am about ready to start being normal.
This is not a dieting journal (though I’d like to lose some weight!) but a journal about trying to avoid overeating – as most people here know, there is a difference! The mind is just as much of a battleground. And for this reason I want to try to include some other random topics in this journal as well, little things that I think might interest whoever happens to read it, because I think sometimes we all need reminding that there’s a bigger world out there and we – or at least I – need to stop being scared of it.
If you’ve read this far, thankyou very much! I’m honoured to have my own place to talk about things on this site and if by some chance it helps anyone else, all the better. Hope everyone is having a good week, and see you very soon.March 7, 2012 at 8:31 pm #90755
hey good for you for joining the site before its gotten to bad thats smart. a lot of people dont address the issue until its gotten really bad and they finally realize they need to do something. i read your post and im curious you said you weighed 29 kilos at one point, i live in the us so we use pounds but i looked it up and a kilo is 2.2 pounds. that means you weighed about 64 pounds. i dont think its possible to weigh that little and still be alive. i could be wrong that just seems incredibly low to me. anyway im looking forward to reading more of your posts i really like your positive outlook and you seem like you definitely have the drive to overcome this. good luck:)
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