Tips to stop overeating, stop emotional eating, stop eating fast food, stop eating junk food
FiFi's journal/road to recovery
August 18, 2010 at 4:39 pm #2426
I just came across this site today and am amazed that there are so many other people out there suffering from this horrible, secret thing! I am so glad that I found this as reading other people’s journals is like seeing my own thoughts and experiences written down. I don’t feel anywhere near as lonely anymore (I suffer this beast in silence) and for the first time in months I actually feel like there might be some hope of beating this just by having contact with other sufferers.
So…my story….I don’t even know when/why I started binging but I recently found an old diary of mine in my parents’ house and it turns out from what I have written in that that I have been binging since at least 13/14 (and probably much earlier). I’m nearly 31 now and feel pretty depressed when I think about how long I have been abusing myself secretly in this way.
I think for me this started when I was a kid. I have always had a really sweet tooth but was never allowed very much chocolate (my parents were and are amazing but they were quite restrictive – we used to share a small bar of chocolate between four of us and I always wanted more!). I was also on my own as a kid a lot, waiting in the car for hours while my dad went fishing at the weekends,and waking up hours before anyone else at the weekend and eating loads of chocolate and biscuits to pass the time until everyone else got up.
Then it continued into my teenage years, and became mixed up with diets, etc, and I guess I have been binging for so long now that it is just a massive part of my life and a proper ingrained habit now.
Loneliness and being alone is still the biggest trigger for me today. I’m actually scared of being on my own in the house because I just know I will start binging. The day before yesterday it was sunny and I felt happy and good, then I came in the house after work, was on my own, decided just to have “one biscuit” with a cup of tea as that’s what “normal” people do, and before I knew it I had eaten my way through everything in the house, I think about 6000 calories. Even though I was going out that evening and didn’t want to feel sick and be in a food induced coma, I still couldn’t stop eating until there was nothing left in the house.
I really don’t know how to beat this. I have read some books (in secret, my long term partner doesn’t know about this, or if he does suspect anything he has never broached it with me) and they really do help, but I need something else! I think I would like to try CBT but I have recently moved to a new city and don’t have a relationship with my new doctor yet and so feel uncomfortable about broaching it with him/her. I really want to try and identify effective strategies to deal with my triggers.
I’m also confused about having treats in the house. I am totally comfortable with the theory about not denying myself anything, if I really want it, and eating everything in moderation, but when I buy biscuits/treats to have in the house in order to “be normal” and have one from time to time, I just end up binging. So, I think I need to keep biscuits/crisps out of the house altogether, because they are just too dangerous with my loneliness trigger issue, but how can you normalise your relationship with food, but then actively not buy things to have in the house??? Does anyone have any thoughts on this?
The scariest thing for me now is that I binge so severely and so often that I think I am immune to them and don’t even feel guilt afterwards anymore. I do regret the binge afterwards, but I am just so weary and sick and tired of the whole thing that I don’t even chastise myself now. In a way I can see that it’s a good thing not to beat myself up about it, but it worries me that I don’t seem to even care anymore. I binge so often (more or less every day now) that it’s like binging is my normal life now.
My weight is creeping up at a scary pace (I weigh about a stone and a half more than I should, which isn’t dreadful, but I feel fat and hideous) and I really, really, really want to beat this once and for all.
I’m going to read other people’s journals and share my own with you all. If anyone has any strategies for overcoming the urge to binge I would be really grateful!
Thanks for listening and for all the amazing advice and kindness that has been posted on these boards.
FiFi xxAugust 18, 2010 at 5:03 pm #63623
Hey Fifi! Welcome! Glad you are here with us! Hmm well I actually think its not really positive to normalize our relationship with food if we are still fearful of certain foods and try to avoid them. I think generally what causes the binges when people try to do the moderation thing is that deep down they feel major guilt about it and like they have failed again, so they might as well go crazy and binge until they stop eating that particular food tomorrow. Also, it sounds like bingeing has become a major habit for you and a response to emotional stress so maybe figuring out what about being alone triggers you to binge and just learning to see that being alone is ok, the loneliness feelings won’t kill you, and they will pass on their own without needing to be suppressed with food. Keep posting! ~LaurenAugust 18, 2010 at 8:35 pm #63624
Thanks Lauren! I spent some time alone today and it was ok, so long as I kept myself busy. Day 2 is nearly over, so fingers crossed! Just taking one day at a time…….
xAugust 19, 2010 at 10:35 pm #63625
Hi Fifi, welcome! I know exactly how you feel, I started to binge very young and because I have been overweight my whole life, my parents never really noticed it. I grew very self-conscious and when I became a teenager (I still am btw), I became very isolated. I did a lot of diets and excercise only to hurt myself more everytime I binged. I stayed home every weekend, instead of being a normal teenager and hang out with friends, because I felt so inferior that I couldn’t make friends. And the few I already have, I pushed them away because I haven’t been able to make a good conversation with them. The only reason I’ve been able to stay friends with them is because they do most of the talking most of time, and I just listen.
I’ve only been here at the forum for about a week, and I’m already changing, taking control of my BED feeling confident thanks to the support of the people here. Were all going through the same thing, and were all doing our best to recover. Don’t hesistate to speak your feelings out because there’s people who understand.
Have a blessed dayAugust 20, 2010 at 6:15 pm #63626
Fingers crossed for you You can do this!! ~LAugust 21, 2010 at 8:09 am #63627
Hi guys, thanks for your lovely messages!
Milmil – I totally emphasize with your isolation, I can’t count the number of social opportunities I have missed out on because I was conscious of my weight (most recently the day before yesterday). I read on someone else’s journal that they were doing the same, but made themselves go out and meet friends and have fun, and not once did they regret it! For me, it’s like a vicious circle, I feel disgusting and can’t fit into my clothes so I chicken out and make an excuse not to go on a social occasion, then I sit at home and get really miserable about being such a loser, think “it’s hopeless, this is the way I’m going to be forever” and of course then end up in a binge. Making myself accept the way I am now is pretty hard, but I guess it’s another step on the road to recovery
Well I have had four days free of the binge monster since I joined this forum, day 5 today. It doesn’t seem like much but it’s the longest period binge free I’ve had for months, and I really, really hope that having the support of everyone on here is going to make the difference this time. I’m trying to eat consciously, and chose consciously, not automatically going for the “lighter” option if that’s not what I really want.
Big test yesterday – workout at the gym followed by cinema, which meant not having an opportunity to make a proper dinner. I was terrified I was going to get really hungry at the cinema and go crazy on popcorn and sweets, so I managed to grab a healthy sandwich on the way and then just had a Ben & Jerrys (YUM!) at the cinema. And it was great!
Hope everyone has a great day today, I’m on my own at the moment so another test…..MUST KEEP BUSY MUST KEEP BUSY MUST KEEP BUSY!
xAugust 21, 2010 at 6:51 pm #63628
Congrats on 4 days BF!!! That is wonderful news! And big that you stopped to get a sandwich before the movie so that you could get in a nice meal and snack on ice cream in moderation at the cinema! Well done! have a wonderful weekend! ~LAugust 22, 2010 at 1:00 am #63629
Congrats girlie, you’re doing fantastic! Mmmm…Ben & Jerry’s, that is delicous! Such a better choice than popcorn, in my opinion :mrgreen:
Keep up the great work! Have a blessed dayAugust 22, 2010 at 2:51 am #63630
Four days binge free is incredible, you’re doing so amazing! They serve ben&jerry’s at your movie theatre? Like the ice-cream?? OH MAN, i’m soo jealous! That stuff is so good it should be illegal
Here’s to day 5!!
x oliviaAugust 26, 2010 at 7:51 pm #63631
Hi Livv – yes, I’m in the UK and they have Ben & Jerry’s – oh god it’s soooooooo good!!! They do this thing called a core sunday, which is a core of hot chocolate/fudge sauce in a tall tub of icecream. Yum!
Anyway, it’s day 10 for me, binge free so far (yippee!) but the last couple of days have been a bit of a struggle, today especially. I haven’t binged but today especially I have been thinking about the “release” it would bring (even though I know it wouldn’t!) and have eaten a bit more junky stuff than I would have liked. At the moment I’m on my own waiting for my bf to get home, I’m starving (waiting for him to get home before having dinner) and a bit lonely, and this is a massive trigger for me
Must stay strong, must stay strong….
I’m really proud of myself for hitting 10 days though, it has been a long time since it was this long for me. And even though the last couple of days have been a bit tough in a way it’s good to know I have made it through a hard bit (so far anyway!). Keeping myself busy is really helping, and something Lauren said about just trying to learn to be alone, that it’s ok, etc.
Well this weekend we are meant to be going camping with friends, so on the upside I won’t be alone which is good but on the downside my eating pattern will be all mucked up. And there is no hot water or shower! And spiders in the (one) toilet! Yuck! Fingers crossed I make it through, both on the hygiene front and with my binge gremlins!…
I hope you guys are all doing ok and kicking the BED ass!! Hope you have a great weekend xxAugust 26, 2010 at 8:07 pm #63632
You can stay srong, just think of how good you will feel not bingeing, and how you have managed ten days, thats so amazing!!!!!
you are headed in the right direction
keep it upAugust 26, 2010 at 11:19 pm #63633
That core sunday sounds like something I dreamed up, oh my sweet love does it ever sound good! Don’t worry about eating junky or unhealthy stuff right now, your body is just loving the fact that in can have anything it wants now! Soon those feelings will subside and you’ll start craving the healthy foods again, it’ll take time though.
Ten days is fabulous, great job! Have fun camping this weekend, try your best to not worry about the eating and just focus on having fun! There’s so much fun stuff you can do camping, who wants to worry about the stupid binge monster?
Let us know how it goes!
xx oliviaSeptember 6, 2010 at 9:11 pm #63634
Warning – long, rambling post!
It’s been ages since I was on here so I hope everyone is well and on track.
For me, well it’s been sort of ok. I haven’t had a proper binge for 3 weeks now (yahoo!) but man it’s been tough, and tonight was the toughest yet. Now the cravings have passed, I can totally identify what my triggers were today:-
- Really wet, cold and horrible weather outside
- Insecurity at work (I started a new job as a teacher over the summer and it was a bit rubbish today, with one of my new colleagues being mean about other colleagues, etc)
- Scary work thing to do tomorrow (teaching my first class of students, aaargh!)
- Prospect of spending the evening in the house on my own as my boyfriend was going out
- Already having truffed quite a lot of snacks during the day, so I had this titally overwhelming feeling of needing a binge release/I’ll start again tomorrow/i’ve eaten too much anyway, might as well go all out…
Anyway it was a nightmare but I just about held it together tonight, I forced myself (literally, had to bulldoze myself out the door!) to go for a swim. I knew it would make me feel better and I knew I would enjoy it, but it was still so tough making myself go when all I wanted to do (or knew how to do) was lie on the sofa and watch tv and binge. As I was saying goodbye to my boyfriend who was on his way out I was already planning what I would buy from the shop for my binge. It was that close.
I am SO HAPPY I fought it off!! Knowing that this forum was here too really, really helped as well. But I’m really worried that sooner or later I won’t be able to resist, and will crack and binge and start on a downward spiral again
It’s so weird, I know bingeing makes me feel awful and so unhappy, and I know eating normally and exercising makes me feel great, so why why WHY is it such a battle sometimes to make the right choice? It shouldn’t even be an issue!
So, anyway, I’m just about holding it together, but am eating way too much generally during the day, portions are too big, I’m snacking all the time, not eating consciously, am probably on at least 2500 calories or more per day (though I’m not counting). Does anyone else find that they are eating more than they should be/want to when trying to get over this thing? Will I eventually sort myself out and get a better balance? How I can get better at eating consciously?
Any tips gratefully received. Hope you guys are getting on better than I am
FiFi xxSeptember 6, 2010 at 9:15 pm #63635
Hey Fifi! Wow congrats on 3 weeks BF! That is superb! Sounds like things have been pretty stressful with the job situation….hmmm well it sounds like you are eating normally which is great but maybe still emotionally eating some? I think it is definitely normal to over eat especially in the beginning of recovery while your body gets used to the idea of not being starved on a regular basis (its just a bit greedy), but things usually do settle down and you can begin to eat more moderately. The main thing is figuring out if you are still coping largely thru eating and if so, start challenging yourself to feel through the stress and anxiety instead of eating to numb those feelings. Hugs, LaurenSeptember 6, 2010 at 9:28 pm #63636
Lauren – Thanks for your help. Your advice makes so much sense! I need you on speed dial!
I agree – I think I’m scared of feeling my feelings, if that makes sense? Maybe because it is YEARS since I actually accepted and felt them? Happy, tired, bored, cold, lonely, nervous, excited….whatever it is I’ll eat my way through it rather than think about it!
Soooo, this is my challenge – gonna really work on trying to just live with my feelings. And if I eat a bit much in the meantime, I suppose it’s no biggie compared to what I have been used to putting in my body during a binge.
Will update again soon. Fingers crossed for some more BF days. Please, please, please.
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