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Expecting Twins and Axing the Binge Monster–my journal

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This topic contains 134 replies, has 13 voices, and was last updated by  tobebingefree 2 years, 7 months ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 135 total)
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  • #3946

    Shivasana
    Participant

    I have been a lurker on this board for some time now and can relate to so many of the posts. I have had BED since my freshman year at college. I had started a diet to lose a few pounds and became more and more restrictive as the pounds were coming off and I was getting attention. I wasn’t even heavy. I am 5’5 and probably started off at 125 pounds and dropped to 99 pounds which I knew was too skinny so when I started to treat myself to some non-diet foods, it led to feelings of guilt snd shame. Of course the food restrictions began an endless cycle of binging…which as most of us know has a life force of its own. I became more and more isolated as I was stuffing my face on anything I could get my hands on..jars of peanut butter, bowls and bowls of cereal, cookies, candy, pizza, bagels etc. I didn’t want to socialize with friends because I felt gross and bloated and couldn’t fit into my clothes comfortably. I was ashamed and guilty for my binging/restrictive cycles and was terrified that someone would figure out my secret revealed by my swollen face, bloated stomach, swollen fingers etc. When I was restricting, I wouldn’t go out with my friends because I didn’t want to be forced to eat a meal when I was trying to starve myself and punish myself for all the overeating. My BED would get worse during times of stress and I couldn’t have an intimate relationship with anyone because I was too consumed by my struggle with BED. I am not sure how I stopped being a prisoner in my own life but somehow I was able to get a handle on my eating. I started taking weight training and yoga classes at the gym which made me feel better about myself and helped me shed and maintain a weight of 117-120 pounds. I pinpointed my trigger emotions as stress, insecurity, boredom, fear/anxiety, anger and frustration. I would tell myself not to numb my emotions with food. That being said, I can’t remember ever being stress free about food. I know I’ve been writing in past tense but I’ve had plenty of days where I have gone off the wagon and eaten everything in sight. I’ve fought hard to keep it 1-2 days max of bad eating, forgive myself and move on.

    So it’s been over TWENTY (20) years of fighting off BED..how pathetic is that? I am now married, 38 years old and can’t believe how much BED held me back from trying new things, meeting new people (including my husband), dating experiences, and random life moments. I can’t go back in time. I can only appreciate my amazing husband and our amazing news that I am 8 weeks pregnant with twins (our firsts). I am terrified of miscarrying because at my age, the risk of miscarriage is increased. This anxiety coupled with my slight nausea and cravings for carbs has led me to overeat the past few days. With my bloated belly, I feel that all too familar urge to cave in and rationalize that I’ve already been bad so I might as well dive into anything I can get my hands on.

    So after all these years, I am starting a journal to gain insight into myself and seek strength and support from all of you. I know that I need to take care of myself and my miracle twinkies. Here are my goals/positive reinforcements:

    I know that I can’t restrict while pregnant and will try to nourish my twinkies with healthy foods.

    I know I am not perfect and will eat some foods that are not healthy and I will try not to be ashamed and forgive myself.

    I will try to love my body as it grows with life.

    I will do my best to go to the gym when I feel up to it and not beat myself up for missing a day or two.

    I will not numb my emotions with food. Instead, I will come to this site and share my thoughts and feelings.

    #85225

    Shivasana
    Participant

    I didn’t have any nausea or cravings today so I was able to eat three healthy meals and get in as many veggies as possible. Despite feeling bloated and uncomfortable from the overeating the last few days, I went to my gym class. I decided I have an excuse to have a gut so who cares what anyone thinks of my stomach pouching out. Class was great and I feel so much better now. I am going to try to hold onto this strong feeling, stay positive and not be a self-sabotager.

    #85226

    Shivasana
    Participant

    Another day binge free. I ate 3 healthy meals and hit the gym again. So far so good. Whoever came up with the “binge monster” concept is a genius..because food can’t comfort me. It can numb my emotions while I am eating everything in sight but then I feel worse.

    I am in Storm Irene’s path so we are on lock down for tonight and tomorrow. We have lots of goodies in the house but I am going to try to eat intuitively (assuming pregnancy hormones don’t get in the way).

    Anyone out there who fought off BED during pregnancy? I welcome all tips and suggestions.

    #85227

    your miracle twinkies? That so cute!!

    It’s great that you’re overcoming this disorder :) I’m sure your kids would benefit from having a mother without an eating disorder! It will give you more focus on loving and raising them :)

    I always thought that when you’re pregnant you had to eat a lot more food because of the baby but I was watching a health show on tv and apparently you eat your regular amount of calories for 6months and then increase it by just 200calories for the remaining months.. which surprised me

    I wish you success on overcoming this!

    #85228

    Shivasana
    Participant

    Thanks so much for your support :-). Yes, I want to be able to focus on my life, family, friends, work etc. instead of always thinking and worrying about food. I realize that I can’t control everything including my emotions but I can control how I deal with them.

    My dr told me that I at this stage in my pregnancy, I should eat whatever gets me through the day and my twinkies will take any additional nutrition that they need from me. It’s been hard for me to plan my meals because food aversions keep popping up and I go from nauseau to starving in minutes.

    This what I’ve had so far today.

    B–fiber one cereal mixed with kashi go lean cereal with almond milk

    L-2 slices of multigrain toast with I can’t believe its not butter light. 2 high fiber gg crackers with 1 laughing cow cheese wedge

    S–slices of fresh roasted turkey

    As much water as I can handle and I did 35 minutes on the bike and arm weights.

    I can do this!

    #85229

    Shivasana
    Participant

    I have overeaten the past few days but not full out binge. It’s has been very hard to eat intuitively since my hormones are taking over. I still worked out today and will forgive myself for not being perfect. I will not give in to my all or nothing mentality. Tomorrow is a new day!

    #85230

    Sciencefreak
    Participant

    hi shivasana… thank-you for posting on my journal. i think it is fantastic that you are where you are today (i’m jealous… and can honestly say that ED has kept me from all these normal aspects of womanhood). i couldn’t possibly say anything that you don’t know or haven’t already researched. i guess the best anyone could say would be to enjoy this process as much as you can and try not to worry about overeating; your babies will be glad to have the nutrition! also, there’s no such thing as ‘perfect’ OK??? as i’ve said twice on this message board to others: a good quote: “the perfect is the enemy of the good” :wink: xoxoxo sciencefreak

    #85231

    Shivasana
    Participant

    SF, thanks so much for the post. :D I will keep repeating your quote to help me. I too missed many normal aspects of womanhood but managed to dig myself out of my hole. It was no accident that I met my husband during one of my recovery periods. However, if I was able to do it (although it is a constant struggle that I fight against) than ANYONE can do it.

    I’m going back to my dr tomorrow. I’m so excited to see my twinkies on the ultrasound but I am dreading the weigh in. When I was at my rock bottom with ED, I was weighing myself all the time which made me feel terrible about myself, not to mention frustrated if I had several “good” days and the scale did not budge. I was defining myself and my happiness by a number on the scale. When I finally got rid of the scale, it really helped me concentrate on myself rather than my poundage. I am hoping these weigh ins don’t set me back.

    I thankfully didn’t have any aversions or cravings today so I was able to eat salad, lots of veggies, grilled chicken, fiber crackers…all clean nutrition. I also took a class at the gym which helped to destress me.

    #85232

    Hope87
    Participant

    Hello Shivasana,

    Just dropping in to say hello, welcome and good luck! I hope you got on okay at the doctor’s (and the dreaded weigh-in wasn’t detrimental to the awesome positive outlook you’ve got going on!) I was actually grinning ear-to-ear when I read about your twinkies…congratulations!

    I’m excited that you want to share your journey with us, I really hope we can help!!

    Hope xx

    #85233

    Shivasana
    Participant

    Hope, thank you so much for your support and encouragement!! :D

    My appointment at the dr went great. The twinkies grew right on track and were each wiggling around. It was pretty cool to see them each doing their own thing. The weigh-in was annoying but I didn’t it let me bring me down. I know my weight has to steadily increase in order to maintain a healthy pregnancy. I’m trying to focus on eating fruits, veggies, protein, fiber etc. instead of focusing on what “bad” food I can’t have. I was totally out of breath in my gym class tonight but I did the best that I could and feel so much better now.

    #85234

    purplestorm77
    Participant

    hi! just reading your journal and i think it’s fantastic how much you are focusing on your recovery while pregnant…my husband and i are planning to “get pregnant” in the next few months…so i am anxious about being at a healthy weight prior to pregancy and not gaining a lot during…do you think being pregnant helps you to stay on track more than before the pregnancy? just wondering. hope you are having a great day, sounds like the appt went well and the “twinkies” are doing great! :-)

    g.

    #85235

    Shivasana
    Participant

    Purplestorm, thanks so much for your post. :D I am only 9 weeks pregnant but so far it has helped me stay on track in that I know that I can’t restrict under any circumstances. When I have overeaten, I just tell myself it is okay and I move forward instead of beating myself up about it, feeling guilting, starving myself the next day and starting the cycle all over again. I tell myself every day that I can have whatever I want but can splurge only after I have had nutritious foods because the twinkies come first. I have not thrown up yet but I get waves of nausea so at times I have had way too many crackers or bread but I am sure most pregnant women not suffering from BED do too so it is okay. I am hoping that by journaling on this site, I will be able to give all my attention to my family, friends work etc, instead of worrying about food, my weight, calories etc. I had another binge free day and went to yoga and feel good. I’m going to my favorite little restaurant tonight for dinner and looking forward to the delicious chicken with peppers, mushrooms and onions. I want to enjoy every bite!!

    #85236

    purplestorm77
    Participant

    Sounds delicious! it’s wonderful to taste a meal and enjoy it, i realize that i don’t enjoy the food that i binge on…so that’s fantastic that you are going to have that dish. thank you for your post…so i’m not crazy hitting this low with food and binging, even though i feel happy and excited about my marriage? everything that you said you went through and felt, i feel that now…it’s good to know that i’m not alone. have a great night! headed out of town for a few days but i’m glad to be back on the forum.

    hugs, g.

    #85237

    Shivasana
    Participant

    Purplestorm, yes you are not crazy hitting a low. Life changes can be scary. I’m all about sticking to a plan or a routine and anytime the plan or routine changes, I have a hard time dealing with the change. I use food to cope with the change. I am trying to be flexible with my time and my eating but it is very tough.

    Today has been a hard day but I am not going to binge! My husband and I aren’t telling anyone we are pregnant until I am out of my first trimester. It makes it difficult because I feel bloated (from being pregnant) and am trying to hide it from everyone. It is bringing up the same insecurities that I had after I binged…bloated and uncomfortable and trying to hide my BED secret from everyone. I kind of feel like a fraud. I am reminding myself over and over again that I am bloated from the pregnancy hormones, not from binge eating…I am blessed to be pregnant and should try to enjoy every minute of life growing inside of me. It is not easy especially since we are going out with friends tonight and I am scared they are all going to comment behind my back that I have put on weight. Of course weeks from now, they will find out the reason for my body changes so I should not care…but I do. Ugh, at this point in my life I should be over this. Anyway, so far today I had 1/2 egg and 1/2 egg white omelette, multigrain toast, raspberries, blueberries, and a small amount of pretzels. I am proud that I only ate enough pretzels to fight off the nausea and stopped once I felt better…PROGRESS. For dinner, I plan to eat a chopped salad and branzino with veggies but we will see how I feel. Wish me luck :-)

    #85238

    Shivasana
    Participant

    So dinner last night was better than I expected. I didn’t feel like anyone was checking our my weight or wondering why I wasn’t drinking. I had a delicious chopped salad, grilled branzino and veggies, and one large whole wheat roll. I was proud that I went to dinner. My old self would have made up some excuse to cancel and stayed home feeling sorry for myself…which could have lead to a binge. I also feel that I made made progress by having bread and not letting it lead to a binge because I didn’t account for it when I was planning what I was going to eat for dinner. I had the roll, didn’t beat myself over it since I already had toast earlier in the day and just moved forward. Today, I went to a body sculpt class at the gym, met my parents for lunch and spent the rest of the afternoon walking around with my Mom. It was really nice and I felt like I was focused on what she was saying instead of calorie counting or scheming a binge in the back of my head. Getting ready for dinner now..I want chicken soup and a hamburger..I know so weird but I am having aversions to everything else and my little ones need meat!! Hope everyone is having a strong day!!

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