Emma's Journal « Binge Eating Forum

Binge Eating Forum » Binge Eating Support - General Comments, Questions, and Posts

Emma's Journal

(29 posts)

Started 7 months ago by Emma
Latest reply from alannah09

Tags:

Emma
Member

Hi everyone, I'm new here - I've been stalking these forums for a while now so I decided to stop being a creep and actually post something. I'm 17 and have been binging ever since I started high school - every day almost. I think the root of my problem is that I'm a perfectionist; my life is basically a quest toward more AP classes, straight As, and leadership positions. The only way I can deal with how overwhelmed and nervous I am is through food - but now that I'm on summer break, I've realized it's not even about stress anymore, I'll just use any excuse to eat. I'm also a really private person, so not only would I never discuss binge eating with anyone, but I don't open up to people on a personal level. That might be causing me to "eat my feelings" as well.

Because of the whole "I hate to be vulnerable" thing, I'm pretty uncomfortable with coming on this forum in the first place. I just feel like this is my last resort, because I'm holding myself responsible to other people in a way (I've tried journaling millions of times and it hasn't worked for me, so maybe with an audience...) I still find it hard to believe that anyone would want to spend their time reading about what I ate, which -just to put it out there- is probably one of the less fascinating topics on the internet. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this and especially anyone who posts back with advice, support, etc. I'll try to keep this updated.

And I think that's it. Oh, two other things:
1) I'm 5'8 and 150 pounds. I'm sort of in a state of limbo where I don't really look overweight, but I'd never wear a swimsuit in public and I hate tight clothing. I'd like to lose 15 or 20 pounds, but I'm not obsessive enough to be too inflexible about that.
2) My name's not really Emma by the way ... I do think it's a nice name though =)

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Posted 7 months ago #
amanda918
Member

"Emma" haha I'm 17 as well and I just graduated high school. I've been on this forum for a while and have found it super helpful! I've had only one binge in the past 6 weeks and found that I treated that one binge wayy differently than the others because I forgave myself, moved on, and didn't restrict the next day. Also, I know that being 5'8 and 150 pounds is actually a very healthy body, but in our generation it's hard to accept it. Losing 15-20 pounds is a pretty serious goal, and one that might not be easily accomplished with any sane amound of diet and exericse, so I would start with a smaller goal. Make sure that the reason you're losing weight is because YOU want to, not because you want to fit in better with your friends or whatever. My biggest piece of advice for you is to try and get the binging under control first, then worry about losing weight. And for us bingers, the best ways to lose weight is usuallyy to stop binging instead of going on a restrictive diet which usually leads to more binging. Best of luck and pleaseeee keep posting.. it's incredibly helpful!

Posted 7 months ago #
Emma
Member

Thanks for the advice... wow, 6 weeks and only one binge? That's amazing - well, at least to a person whose record is 4 days without bingeing...haha. Just curious, how often did you binge before you stopped? For me it's every day, sometimes even twice (unless I'm really trying not to).

Ok, so I think I'll generally post at the end of the day but the final straw to get on these forums was a big binge last night so I think I'll record that.

I'd been trying not to binge all day, which is really hard because even when I succeed I feel like I spent the entire day thinking about food. I even went out for a run and almost died from heatstroke. (You'd think after exercising I wouldn't want to ruin the work and I wouldn't binge, but that's not how it works... I've been running regularly for a few weeks now and I still can't keep myself from binge eating.) Anyway, my family wasn't home that night - my trigger for binging in front of the tv)- so I went to Coldstone and Walgreens and bought 2 cartons of ice cream, 1 big bag of kid-size snickers, 1 bag of kid-size twix, and another GIANT bag of peanut m&ms (I didn't even know they made them that big). This is after I'd already eaten dinner btw. All while buying the food and walking there and back I was really nervous like someone was going to catch me, and I didn't want to be out in public because it felt like everyone knew what I was doing. I literally started sweating - and not because of the heat. Anyway, I came home, sat in front of the TV, and ate. And ate. Until my stomach hurt from stretching and I felt like I was going to be sick. I'd bought a lot of food because I wanted to save some and binge again tomorrow (today..?) but afterwards I felt so disgusting I threw all my leftovers in a garbage bag, tied it up, and put it in the trash. I can't believe I wasted so much food. And I spent $20 on all of that when I'm not exactly rolling in $ to begin with. I'm so, so tired of this.

I'll be back at night to journal about my eating today... I won't restrict myself I guess but eating lightly probably wouldn't be a bad idea lol...

Posted 7 months ago #
Hope777
Member

Hey Emma! Welcome! I found it is really helpful to eat enough calories daily. I eat about 2000 and have lost weight bc i dont binge anymore. Ill admit it is tough stuff in the start and all you will think about is food but over time it gets better and better! I havnt binged in a very long time and i used to about every weekend. I found that in the past although i thought i was eating enough calories round 1200-1700, i wasnt at all. I am very active and need more calories than that. Something else tht has helped me is eating what i actually want. I used to crave chocolate all the time but not that i allow myself to have some i dont even really want it anymore. At first i ate alot of chocolate (still aiming to stay within calorie range) but now i know i canhave it i really dont want it that much. Oh and dont beat yourself up too much or restrict after a binge! Keep posting!

Posted 7 months ago #
Laura88
Member

Hang in there Emma, you're doing great. There is a good resource for emotional eaters called healyourhunger.com. Check it out. Three meals a day seems to be helpful also. That way, you know you ate your allotted meals and don't have to wonder in between. If you do wonder, you remind yourself kindly that you already had your br, lunch, dinner, etc.

Posted 7 months ago #
Emma
Member

Today was pretty good. I didn't binge at all but I overate a little at dinner.
Breakfast: yogurt and granola, grapes
Lunch: veggie burger (I'm vegetarian), lentils, beets
Snack: pineapple and blueberries
Dinner: pasta, salad, a little ice cream

We had a nice dinner for Father's Day so it was hard to get out of eating dessert. I still feel a little too full and usually I'd use that as an excuse to keep eating since my day isn't perfect anymore, but this time I won't. I also demonstrated quite clearly that I'm an emotional eater today... when I went to the kitchen for a snack in the afternoon, my mom offered me some cake she'd just made. I didn't really want any and said no. Five minutes later she and I had a big fight where she basically told me (for the thousandth time) that we don't have a relationship anymore... it always makes me really upset and when she left, suddenly that cake I didn't want before started to look really good. In fact, all I wanted was cake, and a lot of it. It was obvious that I didn't want it for the right reasons though, so I had the fruit instead. I'm going to try to keep this up tomorrow, and hopefully even do a bit better by not overeating at all.

Posted 7 months ago #
amanda918
Member

WOW emma it's great that you didn't binge on the cake after the big fight with your mom! That's a huge step in the right direction. And to answer your question from before, at the height of my binging I was probably binging about 3 times a week. To make my longgg story short, towards the end of my junior year in high school I was doing some emotional eating because my parents were going through a divorce (not binging though). It turned into bulimia, and at that point I was about what you way now. I was on the track team, so I really wasn't fat (just like I'm sure your not because you're about an inch taller than me!), but I was starting to not fit into my clothes anymore so I vowed to loose ten pounds. Well ten turned into thirty, and I became an obsessive calorie counter, cookbook reader, food network show watcher! It was out of control and ridiculous. I was seeing a counselor and nutritionist, and finally cracked under the pressure to gain weight and began SERIOUSLY binging. I put on about 20 pounds, and since I've stoped binging, I've lost about 5 and am very happy with my weight. My biggest issue has been the calories counting and it's something I need to work on. It's unfortunate because I have ALWAYS wanted to be a nutritionist when I get older and help people loose weight. I just hope my own issues with food now don't get in the way of that. Anywayyyyyyy keep up the good work!

Posted 7 months ago #
Emma
Member

Thanks Amanda! It sounds like you've had a really tough time so congrats for pulling yourself out of it. I actually think all the stuff you've gone through makes you more qualified to be a nutritionist, not less. This way you can empathize with your clients because you've had experience with food issues.

ssssooooooo I'm up and it's about midnight but I've been trying to get to sleep for over an hour. Just a quick tip for those who are planning to drink tea to fight off cravings: make sure it's not caffeinated Now I'm hungry again. Darn.

Posted 7 months ago #
Emma
Member

As I mentioned, I was having trouble going to sleep last night, and by about 1 I was starving. Normally I would either 1)Not let myself eat and just try to go to sleep, or 2)Binge bc I already made the "mistake" of eating at night anyway. But I've been reading everyone's food journals on here and I noticed how most of you don't deprive yourselves when you really want food, or even a specific unhealthy food. So I went to the kitchen and had a little ice cream and a small slice of cake and it was just what I needed, I didn't feel guilty about it. I used to think that it's all or nothing - I either binge all day or I'm super healthy and don't eat a lot because whenever I tried to have unhealthy foods in moderation I'd feel guilty and just binge again. I'm trying to get out of that mindset.

Anyway, I had a good day today!
B: egg, toast w jam
S: full fat strawberry yogurt
L: chili, rice
S: fruit salad
D: mixed greens salad, fruit

I didn't overeat, which I'm really happy about. I also went on a 30 min run today, but it was so hot I had to walk for part of it bc I felt like I was going to pass out... =/ I think I'll take my runs in the evening from now on.

Posted 7 months ago #
amanda918
Member

emma, sounds like you're doing great! I also totally know wat you mean when you feel that late night hunger and you normally would either binge or just force yourself to go to sleep which could definately leave you feeling starving the whole next day. What you ate yesterday is looking balanced and structured so thats fantastic! I do think it doesn't look like much and even though it may satisfy you for that day, eating like that all the time could lead to feelings of deprivation. And don't forget to eat the things you want like junk or sweets. I understand though if that can lead to binges and you don't want to include them right now. Sometimes if I want something sweet but I'm nervous it'll turn into a binge, I eat the sweet thing, then eat a bunch of carrots or another raw vegetable to get the sweet taste out of my mouth so I don't crave more. Keep up the good work.

Posted 7 months ago #
eniarrol
Member

hey emma, you've been doing well these 2 days!
i wish you best of luck in conquering the BED. i've battled it when i was 19, and now i'm 20 and finally over with it. (at least, i hope it doesn't creep back.)
lol you sound like me...aiming for straight As and leadership positions etc in high school too...private person...i'm now in med school and that was when the binging started. it was so horrible especially when i was studying for my finals. i just received my results and i got a B...i thought i was going to fail and have to explain myself!!! repeating a year would be like HORROR. thank goodness. it was hell and i'm so NOT going to go there again in my 2nd year in uni. imagine studying so hard and then going to the kitchen just before i turn in for the night, eating all sorts of things on an auto-pilot mode. then i'd cry a little before going to bed...then take the paper the next day. that's why i'm hoping all of you out here can conquer this disorder before it takes over your life completely!

take it slow. the whole reason for my disorder was expecting so much out of myself. i wanted to exercise each day and get to my goal weight (i was at my goal weight before i started binging.) the more i pressurised myself to exercise, the more i binged. so NO PRESSURE, no stress. that's what i suggest. in the end, i HAD to accept my weight and accept that i have to lose weight slowly no matter how much i disliked that idea. i wasn't overweight at my highest weight (bmi 20), after 4 months of binging. but yeah, i wasn't comfortable wearing uk size 8 when i used to be a 4. a wardrobe overhaul was killing my self-esteem and my wallet.

learn to accept yourself, lose weight slowly without crash diets, and hope you continue with your success!

Posted 7 months ago #
Emma
Member

Thanks for the comments guys, they're really motivating! Today was another good day (why all the good days? I'm getting suspicious... :-))
B: Kashi cereal w milk & strawberries
S: grapes, sugar snap peas
L: grande iced coffee (love you, Starbucks <3), tomato/mozzarella sandwich
S: orange juice, cottage cheese
D: tofu stir fry w veggies, brown rice, watermelon

I"m going to do strength exercises and Pilates after this too - and now I told everyone so I HAVE to lol... or I'll lose face.

I went shopping today which I was a little nervous about bc shopping is always stressful for me and I usually binge afterwards. I bought a swimsuit (worst of the worst) but I actually got through it OK! It's a really modest swimsuit and I could definitely look better, but I don't feel super insecure in it or anything. I might actually go to the beach this week...

Thanks again for the encouragement, this forum has been really really helpful so far. I haven't had any intense urges to binge yet and I think it's bc of this. I'm hopeful that this time is the one where I actually beat my bingeing problem...

Posted 7 months ago #
alannah09
Member

Hey..I just saw your post now, but I read everything so I guess I feel like I can post haha. I am 18 but started ED kinda behavior right about the time I started high school too. I didn't start binging until after my sophmore year..it started while I was trying to gain weight after anorexia...not good! This is just as bad if not worse than that! It actually sounds like you are doing really well and posting here really does help. I am thinking I might start posting meals like you because eating real meals has been a big problem for me.

The swimsuit thing is definitely something I have gone through. I am in a kind of weird limbo thing too where I feel HUGE but it is just because I am not used to it and I am really not overweight. I am 5'5 and about 130 lbs..more like 128 but 130 for round numbers. It can be hard but you just have to fight through and know that eating a little more to keep from getting super hungry is wayyyy better than binging (something I am still trying to teach myself). It seems like your eating really well though, and posting here definitely helps! Good luck tmrw! and good job going swimsuit shopping..it can be rough!

Posted 7 months ago #
alannah09
Member

Posted 7 months ago #
Ash
Member

Emma you are doing so well and you are a great model for me to follow! It is hard and you cannot beat yourself up when you binge after working hard either. Just start the next day with a clean slate! Keep it up!

Posted 7 months ago #
Emma
Member

Okay so today wasn't the best day I've had but it wasn't bad either and I didn't binge. It was just because I had a weird eating schedule and my family went out to eat around 9 pm, after I'd already had dinner. I knew we were going out so I tried to prepare myself by eating enough of, um, dinner #1, so I wouldn't be really hungry and eat too much at the restaurant. At the restaurant though the food was fantastic but the portion sizes were bigger than I wanted but too small to doggy bag the remainder. Soooo I overate a little. I guess I could have eaten more and I'm not "post-binge" full, but it was a little frustrating that I tried to prepare and I missed the mark a bit. I might do some light cardio after this.

Also I've been having trouble getting to sleep at night because I'm so hungry (I had to go and make myself half a pb&j at midnight last night), so I'm thinking of eating 6 times a day instead of 5... I get hungry really easily. I'll have my 3 normal meals and then 3 snacks, but I think my post-dinner snack should be the smallest and I'll have it around 8:30 or 9, just to hold me over until morning (I try to go to bed at 10:30). Two questions: 1)Does this sound like a good idea? 2)What would you guys suggest for light "bedtime snacks?"

Anyway, back to my food log for today:
B: egg, toast w jam
S: grapes
L: tofu stir fry w veggies, rice
S: toast w/ low fat cheese, strawberries
D#1: salad, almonds
D#2: 3 small tacos w portabello mushrooms, salsa, and guac; mashed potatoes
Also biked for a little over an hour.

I'm really trying to tell myself it's okay that I overate a little at dinner, that I don't have to be perfect. I actually probably only overate by a few hundred calories today, but having one slightly worse day is usually enough to send me back into a bingeing spiral. Restaurants are tough!!! Especially when the food is so good and you don't wan to waste it...I like it better when what I eat and when I eat it are in my control.

Overall I'd say I'm still on a roll. Fingers crossed for tomorrow though - it could be my 5th straight day without bingeing and I've never reached the 5 day mark before.

(P.S. Sorry for the super long post! I guess I just had a lot to say... if you read all of this, wow, thanks )

Posted 7 months ago #
alannah09
Member

Hey..your idea sounds really good. Its better to plan to have the night snack than not to plan it. Once you get used to having a smaller portion at night, you might eventually not need it at all (I still do..but someday I am hoping not to!). In the mean time, make sure you plan for something, because otherwise, you may get frusturated that your not "following your eating plan" and end up binging. I don't know what the perfect night snack is. We have a mini blender called a magic bullet, and I like to make some kind of soymilk smoothie in that as my last snack before bed cause its usually only about 100-200 cals but its really filling and my belly feels nice and satisfied when I go to bed and it helps me sleep better. Anything that is actually filling should work though. I would not suggest something like crackers because your def not gonna be full by the time you go to bed. At that hour, you want volume but not calories--anything like that should work well.

Posted 7 months ago #
Emma
Member

Yaayyyyy 5th day straight without bingeing! (Never gone that long)
Skipped breakfast bc I woke up late and still felt bloated from dinner last night.
S: watermelon
L: chili, rice
S: mini bagel w pb&j
Had an apple 15 min before dinner bc I was STARVING and didn't want to overeat
D: salad w eggplant and hard-boiled egg, olives

It's still hard to figure out how much I should eat so as not to feel too full or too hungry before the next meal. Sometimes I over/undershoot but maybe it just gets better with practice. One more note: I was trying to eat lightly today because I overate last night. Even last night though, I noticed that the overeating was a little different than overeating when I was still bingeing a lot, in 2 ways:
1) I ate a lot slower than I usually do. When I overeat I usually gobble down everything really quickly but this time I was actually tasting the food.
2) When I got home it was about 10:30 at night and I felt sort of bad for overeating so I wanted to do some cardio and try to burn a few hundred cals before bed. Then I thought, 'Wait. What am I doing? It's late at night, I'm tired, I'll have cramps from working out on a full stomach, and I've been doing well so I don't have to feel guilty about this. Overexercising to compensate for eating too much is binge eating behavior... and I DON'T want that again." So I just went to sleep.

Granted, I still felt guilty while/after I was eating and I woke up feeling sort of gross (I actually felt worse than I remember feeling after much bigger quantities of food, maybe because I've been eating normally the past 4 days). Still, I didn't freak out about overeating and binge when I got home, so it still counts as a good day.

I've been trying to stop "binge eating behaviors" like that, even when they're not really related to bingeing. For ex, I planned to have yogurt and granola for my afternoon snack today bc I wanted to make up for overeating last night by being extra healthy today. Around 2:30 though I was hungry and I REAlly wanted pb&j, more than anything - major, major craving. I was getting the granola and thinking I wasn't going to have it when I realized that "making up" for bad days by depriving myself might just make me want to binge more, or overeat later to compensate. So I had pb&j. And it was goooooood.

Posted 7 months ago #
Hope777
Member

Good job on not restricting! It is sometimes hard for me to eat the thing i really want vs something healthy that i dont really want. However i find that if i just eat what i want i am satisfied where if i eat the apple instead of the sandwich i end up eating crackers, cheese, other foods and then usually the sandwich in the end anyways haha. So well done. Also props on trying to not to feel too guilty about the little overeating. Sometimes guilt will lead to a binge but you were very logical about it all.

Posted 7 months ago #
Ash
Member

Oh my I love you! This is exactly how I feel sometimes. I always feel guilt: guilt for overeating, for eating something not as healthy as something else, not exercising or not exercising enough. I am working on this right now. I am trying to think like you are: when I want something I am craving, I usually don't give in right away. I will opt for something healthier. The problem is that the craving does not go away. I want the food still. So I end up eating more than what I originally craved in the first place because I have binged. Yikes. For example, the other day, I felt guilty for sleeping in a little bit instead of going for a run. I had to say it over and over again, but I told myself it is ok. I will be fine. I don't have to over-exercise because I eat something even if it is not healthy. Keep it up girl and thanks for knowing how I feel.

Posted 7 months ago #
Emma
Member

Haha aw thank you so much for the comments, honestly they keep me going.

B: oatmeal w blueberries and almonds
S: Kashi GoLean energy bar, grande iced coffee
Late lunch: sesame crackers, low fat cheese, cantaloupe
D: 4 faux "chicken" nuggets, rice, eggplant
Strength exercises (also biked an hour yesterday, forgot to mention)

One of the biggest tips I can give is turning off ALL distractions while you eat. I always binged with the TV on, or even reading or on the computer, and even when I was trying to stop I didn't want to give that up. This is the first time I've really stuck with the "eat at the table, focus only on food" rule, and it helps as it takes away one of the main components of bingeing. I've noticed that I'm eating slower even when I'm starving, and food tastes really good. Well, who am I kidding - I always thought food tasted good, I have (had? ) BED. It's just that I used to think "Oh, that's really good, I can't stop and I just need to eat more until I'm stuffed" and now it's more like "Wow, that tastes really good, and I'm full now so I can leave." I'm not saying I've lost the urge to binge, I still have to watch myself, but I'm more in control now. I so, so desperately hope that I'm getting better for the last time! If I break and start bingeing again I don't know what I'm going to do.

I hope everyone else is having as much success as I am, and if not, don't give up! Keep posting and good luck to all of you.

Posted 7 months ago #
alannah09
Member

It seems like you are doing really great! You are keeping everything under control really well. I am def. nervous about leaving the country, but I am actually thinking it might make things easier because there won't be food around the way there is here. I wish I had a week of no binges like you will before you leave, but 2 days will have to be enough to start a streak that I hope I keep. I definitely agree about the TV and even computer, once I start it is so hard to stop. You would think the computer or reading would help cause your using your hands, but I always manage to overeat while I am doing that kind of stuff anyway. But anywayyy...it seems like you are doing SOOOOooo well. I don't think you said where your headed but good luck abroad and ill definitely message you when I get back to let you know how everything goes for me overseas, and I expect to see you say that your up to 2-3 weeks without a binge when I return haha. Good luck!

Posted 7 months ago #
Hope777
Member

YaY Emma!! You are doing so well :))! I couldnt agree more about only eating at the dinner and keeping the rest of you house food free. It helps my brain know i am done eating. Keep up the wonderful job!

Posted 7 months ago #
Emma
Member

Disclaimer: I think I'm about to get my period because I feel completely out of it... I'm hungry at weird times and get cravings for weird things and my stomach hurts. Good times. I also had more urges to binge today, but I didn't. Ha.
B#1 (5:00 am...I told you...): mini bagel w pb&j
B#2 (9:00 am): egg, toast, nectarine
S#1: cheese and crackers, cantaloupe
S#2: Odwalla bar
L: mini bagel w cream cheese
D: veggie burger, eggplant, small portion leftover chili

Yeah.. weird day. I just realized I'm probably pre-period and I was actually a little relieved because I've been eating well and exercising the past week and I hadn't lost any weight, which was a bit discouraging. Hopefully that'll come off soon. At least I haven't been bingeing when it doesn't seem like I'm losing weight! I've been known to do that...

Posted 7 months ago #
amanda918
Member

hey emma, you're doing fantastic and even though that was a weird day you still ate below what you should normally eat which shows you that listening you your body and eating when you're hungry not because of the clock is a GOOD thing! I was laughing at that post though because I see a nutritionist and a while ago I was sharing with her how I was feeling bloated and heavy even though I was eating really well.... anyway, she said hmm thats strange maybe its your period because that tends to happen right before you get it. I was skeptical, but sure enough.. THE NEXT DAY I GOT IT!!!!!! I was totally relieved and felt sooo much better. Funny how our bodies do that, but for that reason, I'm sure you have nothing to worry about. Keep up the good work!

Posted 7 months ago #
Emma
Member

B: oatmeal w fruit sauce & almonds
S: cheese and crackers, nectarine
L: veggie burger, green beans, 1/2 mini bagel w pb&j, 90-cal ice cream thing
S: ice cream sundae
D: Thai food

I wasn't as healthy as usual today and overate a little, but I'm actually okay with it, which is a first. I'm leaving on a 5 week trip tomorrow morning so this was my last day in the states! I figured I should celebrate, so, um, yeah, I can confirm that brownie sundaes with hot fudge are GOOD.

I think I've made a lot of progress and haven't binged since I started posting on this forum. 5 weeks is a long time with lots of tempting food though, and I'm a little nervous but I think I'll be okay. Overall, I'm going to be healthy (days like this shouldn't be the norm), but if I really want something I'll have it. I want to spend my trip thinking about more important things than food, and I think/really, really hope I can.

I'll post/start a new topic to record my progress when I get back. Thank you so much to all of you for your comments, advice, and support - it's helped more than I thought possible. Good luck with your own eating goals, and I can't wait to check back in and see all your progress.

Posted 7 months ago #
Hope777
Member

Hey Emma, great job on indulging and not bingeing on that sundae! Have a wonderful time on your vacation :D

Posted 7 months ago #
Hope777
Member

Hey Emma, great job on indulging and not bingeing on that sundae! Have a wonderful time on your vacation :D

Posted 7 months ago #
alannah09
Member

Well..I guess probably hello when you get back at this point but i am on the train from Paris to Amsterdam and 1st class has wifi so I thought I would try and say hello one last time before you go. so have a great time!!!

Posted 7 months ago #

RSS feed for this topic

Reply

You must log in to post.