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Emi's Journal

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Started 5 months ago by stopthemadness
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stopthemadness
Member

Hello all!
I have decided to start my official journal :]. A little background information. I am in college right now. About a year ago I developed anxiety disorder due to a traumatic event and since then I have gained a bit of weight because of my binging. I never used to have this problem. I used to eat like a normal person did, and never even counted a single calorie. Nowadays, I have become obsessed with calorie counting.. and since I have been trying to lose the weight I gained by restricting how much food I eat, I have started a cycle of binging on the weekends.. oh also mostly when I am at work. I work at a catering place/restaurant. I am a hostess on the weekdays and catering server on weekends. We often have weddings and my binging is so bad.. I often stuff myself in the server station with bread and the same food we served to guests of the wedding such as Hors d'oeuvres and entrees. They often have leftover cake and I am always in the back binging on blocks of leftover cake. I am so ashamed -_-. I am really trying to stop this binging.. and already I have improved by learning when my tummy is full .. sometimes it's just really hard for me to stop eating though and I can't control it. Like last night.. I totally binged 3000 + calories.. fueled by anxiety :[. I don't want this to control my life and I want to overcome this and enjoy life, stop being anxious about eating out with friends, and stop hating myself for binging. I know it will take time and I am very very determined. I am so glad I found this site and am happy knowing I have support here from people who know how I feel. Well here is my first journal entry.

3/08/10
Today I woke up feeling ever so guilty with a bloated stomach because of my massive binge last night that consisted of bowls of special k, pb n j sandwiches, protein bars, yogurt, mac n cheese, cheese quesadilla, etc. This was after I had gone 7 days without binging.. one of my longest recently.. so I am proud of myself for that. In the morning I finished the rest of the mac n cheese and ate some oatmeal cookies. I admit I was kind of still in binge mode.. but I didn't let myself get painfully stuffed. I went to class and came back and ate some cadbury irish cream filled milk chocolate squares. I went to the gym.. For dinner, in an attempt to overcome social anxiety, I went out to eat with my friends at a seafood restaurant.. and ate shrimp and fries. Not the healthiest I know.. I probably consumed a lot of food today but at least I am not binging and tomorrow will be a new day and I will be focused focused focused not to binge every day. I am very glad I went to dinner though with my coworkers/friends. I had a lot of fun talking with them and eating. At this restaurant you eat the seafood with your hands and you wear a bib so that was funn haha.. Even though now I smell like garlic shrimp and my burps are ewwww. I'm happy I had a good time. I really really want to lose weight because summer is coming, but I know obsessing over it won't make that happen. I know I probably shouldn't think that I should just think about learning to deal with my emotions by not binging.. and the losing weight part will come naturally.. :[ sometimes I just stand in front of the mirror eyeing all the negatives thing about my body and that really just makes me feel even worse about my body. Sometimes I step on the scale multiple times just to see if the # changes, and of course it won't. Blah I will try not to think negatively from now on and I hope I can look back at this when I am cured of binge eating. I will continue to post here everyday. Sorry today is so boring! I am going to watch food network now and go to sleep :]

-Emi

Posted 5 months ago #
noimae
Member

Hello Emi. I can only imagine how difficult it must be with your work. If you just try not to eat this leftovers. Or if you want a piece of cake - put a slice that you want to eat on a plate, sit down and eat it, leaving the rest of the cake. If you eat in hurry, or standing, you will eat much more. Don't think that if you don't eat sth, it will be wasted. Think that if you just eat it for the sake of eating, this will be a real waste - of your body. Thus, even though you are surrounded by food, I guess that you are quite busy too? use this - engage with work rather than eating.

I'm glad that you went with your friends. Keep on doing this. You will eat much less.

A

Posted 5 months ago #
Ecu
Member

Hi Emi,

You have made a tough but worthy decision by starting a journal. I congratulate your effort! It is a good step to start dealing with the causes of your BE. As long as you keep a more objective point of view of your eating habits, you will do more progress. To focus on the positive improvements is a thing you will have to add in your daily routine in order to change. Remember, this has nothing to do with food, but with your inner thoughts. Being positive you will have more chances of success.

I hope you feel better and get to the goal. Take your time and keep posting

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Emi! So glad you decided to start a journal. I'm excited to keep track of how you're doing and seeing all your progress. Always here if you need support or a big pat on your back! Hugs, Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
stopthemadness
Member

Hello all. today has been very tough for me. In the morning I ate 2 cups of yogurt, handfuls of chocolate chips, and a small turkey sandwich. After I got back from class I ate a pb n j sandwich and protein bar. I feel like I am still in binge mode and it's scaring me and I don't want it to take over. I stopped myself from eating more and I'm going to wait til dinner to eat a normal meal.

Posted 5 months ago #
sophesxo14
Member

hi emi! im new to here too(: im so sorry about the tough day today! sometimes we just eat what our bodies want and its not our fault. i would not concider this a binge at all! just bring yourself to a more stable point and i think its great your waiting until dinner. dont be scared, believe in yourself! have a great night(; xoxo soph

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Emi..sorry to hear today is tough. You know though, what you say you've eaten is totally normal, doesn't sound anywhere near bingeing..not even over eating. Do you think outside of your binges you are trying to restrict so when you do eat normally it induces guilt? Hang in there friend. ~Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
stopthemadness
Member

well I just ate a bowl of cereal, a brownie, a cookie, and cheese. I didn't eat toooo much food today.. but I realize everything I ate was pretty unhealthy.. as in lots of sweets and sugary stuff. I should really incorporate more protein and veggies into my diet. Starting tomorrow!!

Posted 5 months ago #
Ecu
Member

That is just a subjective binge. Do not worry at all. It will take a bit of time until you start modifying that subjective point of view regarding your eating habits. When we have BE, we tend to see things as perfect or completely wrong, as it was not completely healthy you try to say to yourself it was not ok, but it is a point of view. Normal ppl do not eat cmpletely healthy and that doesnt bother them much. So it is a psychological thing. You are doing good, just not perfect, it´s great not to be perfect! Remember no one is

Love to hear your interest on veggies and protein. That is what you need to do in order to change: modify your food intake so you have healthier eating habbits, but if you want to have some junk food or sweets and you can do it in moderation, DO IT and feel no guilt about it.

Posted 5 months ago #
stopthemadness
Member

3/10/10

Hello all! So today has been a little tough as well. I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was go to eat some cookies. I have no idea why I just keep craving them. I only had one though and then I went to my hosting job. The manager was a little upset this morning since the register wasn't working and there was a lecture/lunch-in today on cave paintings from South Africa and a lot of elderly came to see it. I rang everyone up as fast as I could.. then the regular lunch in the dining room was very slow.. anyways for some reason I couldn't keep my mind off of food and losing weight the whole day. I got very depressed because I feel like I'm not seeing results and summer is going to be around the corner. I know I should focus on not binging though. I am really trying.. it's just so hard when you have just binged the night before and need to start anew. sometimes I feel like what's the point.. I will just end up binging again. I know negative thinking is BAD. so eff you negative thoughts. After I ate lunch at my work, had class, then after I went to the gym with my good friend. Did the usual elliptical and arm weights. I'm trying to focus on building muscle. I got a surprising text to hang out today from this guy I stopped seeing a few weeks back. Let's call him ant. I met ant in class 3 months ago and we started hanging out a lot, we kissed, blabla.. after 2 months of hanging out, talking, I realized I wasn't very interested. I just didn't have fun with him and didn't feel the chemistry so I told him this 2 weeks ago just to be honest with him. He straight out cried.... and basically said he couldn't be friends with me anymore. yea I felt like he was a little immature but I understood if he couldn't be friends. So yea we haven't talked since then and then today he texts me that he wants to hang out... so I told him yes. I really have no idea what's going to happen. I really like him as a friend but I hope he doesn't try nothin. I will update ya'll on that!! Here is the food I've had today. I am really struggling not to go back to the kitchen as binge on brownies/cookies. If I can just get past today I think it'll get easier as each day passes.

B) cookie
L) Salad with beets, Pesto Pasta, Porkchops with Cream Sauce
D) Teriyaki Salmon Salad
S) Banana, Raisin Cookie

Please wish me luck to not binge today!!

-Emi

Posted 5 months ago #
Ecu
Member

ONE COOKIE is not a breakfast, I doubt it can be a snack either. a real breakfast will give you the energy to confront your daily worries, you will get the nutrients you need and you do not have to feel worried about one cookie!!! In the case you do not see it that way, please tell us, cause this is the real issue: the guilt. You are able to eat whatever you want, but do it in moderation. How about starting the day with fruit, milk, tea, coffee, cereals, eggs... whatever you want. The more you eat during the day, the less you will be able to binge during the evening! That is greeeat news. Come on, you can do it

I wish you a very nice day!

Posted 5 months ago #
Ecu
Member

If I were you, I would ask him first what is his idea of you two hanging out. If he is in a sensitive phase, so do you. Do not let other people issues disturb your life twice. It´s my personal egoistic advice, but as I said before: first comes you and then the rest. To care about you is the first thing you need to do to recover from BE. If he has self-steem issues he has to deal with them. And so we have to deal with ours. It´s ok he doesnt want to be friends, but its also ok that you decide not to be something more with him because you feel its not what you want. Dont feel any guilt, it´s human nature! Hope you find the real man you look for and it works!

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Ha Emi I personally love your Cookie breakfast as I am a cookie fanatic! But I agree with Anou..even if you are craving a cookie for breakfast have that along with something with a little more sustenance so you don't get starving later in the day! Sounds like you did just fine today and fought through it! Hmm sounds like that guy is crazy about you if he turned on the water works when you said you just want to be friends. Honestly I don't really believe there is such a thing as a platonic relationship between girls and guys...he is probably still hoping to be more than just friends but you can just hang out and see how it goes! Let us know! Hope you have a nice day! ~L

Posted 5 months ago #
cookiemonster
Member

Hey Emi! I think its good that you listened to your craving and juste ate ONE cookie. As you can see in my username, I could never have ONE cookie lol. Well I could but after a good meal, thats why the girls suggestions of having something more substantial is smart to keep binges at bay.
I hate those days when all I think about is food and my weight. And that summer is coming, I can totally relate. But just think that if we manage to eat normally , even if its more than usual, without the binges, we might feel great by the time summer comes!
Hum that guy sounds kinda intense if he straight up cried. I would be scared of him now lol. No Im just kidding, but if he tries something again its not a good idea to hang out with him. Maybe he is ready to be just friends though who knows, but I doubt it

Posted 5 months ago #
stopthemadness
Member

3/11/10
So last night I hung out with "ant" and it was okay.. we watched Up in the Air which was really good I thought. Other than that, we talked... about school.. That's all we ever talk about and I was reminded of why I wasn't interested in the first place. I could kind of sense that he still liked me but I'm glad he didn't make a move or anything. I hope we can be friends. I probably won't hang out with him that often though just so I don't give him false hope.
Today I've been feeling kind of depressed. I hate it. I woke up in the morning, ate breakfast, then went to class only to find that it was cancelled. I didn't mindd. This week is the last week of classes before finals next week. After that I stopped by work for lunch n went to get a haircut (cheapo $14 one) haha and then after I went to trader joes to buy some fruits. After that I came back home and watched some ugly betty... and then I felt hungry and ate a luna bar.. I don't know why, the whole day I felt like my eating could easily get out of control. I was just craving sweets again and I'm kinda scared that any moment now I will just binge since I'm depressed. Well here's what I've had for today.

B) Apples and Cinammon Oatmeal with banana
L) London Broil and Vegetable Lasagna
S) White Chocolate Macadamia Luna bar
D) Salmon Teriyaki Salad with tomatoes
S) dried strawberry and apricot

I hope I can hang in there and take it day by day and just not binge. Hopefully I will become happier. Thanks for all your support!

-Emi

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Aw Emi I'm really sorry you are feeling depressed. Do you know what about. Just remember when you get that bingey feeling that food will only make you feel better for about 5 minutes and then it will leave your feeling 100 times more depressed, so its never worth it. Just let yourself feel sad and it will pass on its own, I promise.

I'm glad "ant" and you had a nice time hanging out as friends and he didn't make a move and make you uncomfortable. I almost rented Up in the Air tonight but went with Precious instead since I know my mom is going to want to see Up in the Air with me when I see her in two weeks! Glad to hear it was good. OMG aren't the white choco macademia Luna bars soo good!? I love them!! Feel better girl and keep hanging on. ~L

Posted 5 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Hi hon

I suffer from anxiety disorder, and I would say that it has the biggest impact on my binge eating as I often have used food to subdue those feelings of anxiety and panic. I take medication daily because of this and also have stronger tablets that I take infrequently when it is just too much.
You said that the anxiety issues started after a traumatic event, have you had any post stress counselling, if not I totally recommend that you do. There are lots of different types so if you don't nessersarily want to go through the whole incident then cbt threpists will help you control the behaviours that you are now showing because of it.
I would also say that the best thing for you to do to lose the weight is to stop dieting. You obviously have good intuitive eating as prior to this you never worried so you definitely have the skills there.

One thing that is really important to learn as well is that nothing is inevitable (I am struggling with this a bit at the moment) but it is true just because we have more food than we think is ok doesn't mean we have to go on and binge, we can just accept that we have eaten a bit too much, because that is what people with out an eating disorder do, they don't worry about a cake or an extra biscuit, they eat it enjoy it and move on.
I would also say not to give yourself such a definite goal of not having any binges, as this can be near impossible. Why not change it to you are going to do your best each day to eat well and not binge. But if it happens it happens just move on again

And finally we have to learn that it is ok to feel the emotions that we get rather than just blocking them out.

You have been doing really well. I am looking forward to seeing you prgress on your journey.

Posted 5 months ago #
stopthemadness
Member

Ecu I realized that I am a perfectionist.. so yea I have that kind of thinking that oh I ate one "bad" food like a cookie and then it makes me feel guilty because it's not on my list of the perfect ideal foods to eat. I'm trying not to think like that anymore and I do incorporate some yummy treats into my diet I just need to make sure I don't binge..

Lauren the white chocolate macadamia nut luna bar is sooo yummy!!! However, my ultimate fav is Vanilla Almond. I think it just came out, I saw it at whole foods. How was the movie precious btw??!

Jacqui thanks for the advice I'm going to try not to think I will never binge again.. if I do it's okay and I will move on, however, I am doing my best not binge each and every day. Maybe I will label it as overeating soemtimes.. because I know that everyone does that.

3/12/10

Soo today has been an okay day! My last day of classes before our finals next week!! I woke up in the morning and checked this forum first thing.. and then ate breakfast and lunch, then went to class. Afterwards, I went to the school gym which I loooveeee. There is an indoor track, lots of machines, and tv. I love watching food network.. and it's funny I watch that while I'm exercising! Today I went on the elliptical for 20 min and the bike for 20 min :). I couldn't run since my knee kinda hurts. I've been taking glucosamine to see if it will help. After the gym, I went to this Market called Wholesome Choice.. I think it's a Middle Eastern market, not quite sure. I bought some veggies and roasted tomato hummus. I saw they had a bakery section and was tempted to buy a box of cookies but really I don't feel safe doing that yet.. I might eat it all in one night. Welll here I amm just ate dinner and I'm wondering what to do on a fri night!! "ant" texted me what I was doing.. I don't think I want to hang out with him -_- so I told him I'm busy :/ eerr I feel bad.. but I really don't want to give him false hopes or anything. Well here's what I had for today!!

B) Vanilla Kashi Oatmeal with Soy Milk
L) Pnut butter cookie Luna Bar, Egg Sandwich with Mustard
S) Banana, Carrots dipped in Tomato Hummus
D) Chicken Tika Masala
S) I think I'll have an orange

I'm just wishing to myself please don't binge tonight plleeasee.. Also I'm having a hard time knowing if I'm hungry or not.. sometimes at meal time I don't feel hungry but I eat because I know I should.

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

ohhh Vanilla Almond?? I've never seen that!! I will keep my eyes peeled for it next time I get to Whole Foods! Yeah I like Dulce de Leche too but so far White Macademia has been the best I've tried! Yay for another awesome flavor to try Well it was super intense and heart-wrenching but a good movie with amazing acting!! Happy to hear today was a good one Emi! Haha my mom and I both watch Food Network when we are on the exercise machine..it is a bit odd, huh? But I love the Food Network..wish I was a good cook! That market sounds so good..I LOVE LOVE LOVE middle eastern food...of course since I am obsessed with hummus, that hummus you got sounds delicious! Ok so with the cookies I would say its probably not a great idea in the beginning to buy a whole box but definitely when you are in the mood for a cookie, go out and get one (maybe a fresh baked somewhere) so you just have one to savor and don't have to be tempted by a whole box until you feel confident with intuitive eating. Hmm yeah hanging out with "ant" again so soon probably would get his hopes up Hope you have a wonderful night! You can do this! ~L

Posted 5 months ago #
Ecu
Member

Perfectionism, that shitty habit. Lately I´ve been checking how unperfect I am, but it´s not bad. That is what makes me a human being. I am starting apreciating my imperfections. It´s not that difficult. You will see how ppl love you and that has absolutely nothing to do with your perfectionism

Hope you have a nice day

Posted 5 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

OKAY day I think that is a great day. You sound as though you have had a good time and your food looks wonderful well done.

Posted 5 months ago #
Hil87
Member

Hey Emi! I just read through your journal and congrats on your classes being done. The white chocolate macadamia nut Luna Bars are one of my favorite flavors too. Just like you and Lauren I watch the Food Network when I work out, it just seems so perfect to zone out to while doing cardio. I share the same issues with cookies (and in my case chocolate too) as you. I'm scared to have them back in my apartment and that I'll just lose it and eat all of them (like what happened just a couple of days ago). I do think that eventually we have to let the cookies back in to prove that we're stronger than we think and won't binge on them. By the way your food looks great!

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

Hey, Emi

Just read your entries and we think with the same brain...the all or nothing thinking...the guilt. All of us are inthe same boat. I understand how hard it must be working in a restaurant with all that cake. Like the girls said, don't tell yourself that cake or cookies are bad b.c. when you eat them, that makes you bad. And bad girls should be punished. And bingeing is how we punish ourselves and at the same time try to protect ourselves from feeling pain. Crazy right? You sound really determined to work through this and I believe you will...just remember when the urge to binge hits, think about how you'll feel 5 minutes, 5 hours and 5 days later. I heard that you should ask yourself that before making any big decision, so that you're fully aware of the repercussions. I've been trying it the last few days. I'm on day five of being binge free...it feels so good to have all those days behind you, huh (the first day is the hardest). Keep racking up those days of healthy eating. I'm rooting for you

China

Posted 5 months ago #
stopthemadness
Member

3/13/10

Thank you all for the encouragement! I take all your advice to heart and it really motivates me :]. It's funny how we all have similar thinking when it comes to binging.. Whenever I have the urge I'm going to realllyy think to myself how I'll feel after the binge.. hopefully this will prevent me from going all out binging. Today has been a slow Saturday. Pretty much have been studying all day and went to the gym for a little bit just to bike. Something new I did try was make this drink out of ground cinnamon and honey. Supposedly it has benefits such at regulating blood sugar and lowering cholesterol and.. losing weight! yeayea sounds too good to be true but I'm trying it anyways haha. I just boil a pot of water and pour it over a teaspoon of cinnamon and add some honey and vOiLa! It tasted decent.. had to keep stirring the cinnamon bits or it would all fall to the bottom. I am probably going to spend the rest of the night studying for my finals. What a great way to spend Sat night huh??? Well at least I'll be better prepared :P. K here's what I've had for the day.

B) Bowl of Mashed Banana in Organic Milk with Special K mixed in (my weird little concoction) It was delicious though!
S) Carrots and Hummus
L) Egg Sandwich with Mustard
S) Muscle Milk Drink, Strawberry Yogurt Zone Bar
D) 2 Honey Mustard Baked Chicken Drumsticks, Sauteed asparagus and carrots
S) Orange
S) I may get some Red Mango froyo later for a study break treat!

Day 4.. I will not binge..

-Emi

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Emi..yep always focus on how good you feel now binge-free when that temptation comes up! Haha that drink sounds too good to be true but as long as you aren't drinking that instead of eating a meal, its worth a go Good luck studying for your finals tonight! What is a Red Mango froyo? ~L

Posted 5 months ago #
stopthemadness
Member

Ok I ate a whole red velvet cupcake. I feel guilty but I didn't binge. I know that I need to let go of this guilty feeling becus I can feel a binge urge coming on.. ahhhggg..
Lauren Red Mango is the name of a frozen yogurt chain, like pinkberry have you heard of it? They have flavors of frozen yogurt such as coconut, pomegranite, and chocolate, and of course original! It is soo yummy.

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Nothing to feel guilty about Emi with ONE red velvet cupcake!! Nothing AT ALL! I haven't heard of pinkberry but it all sounds delicious!! I would love pomegranate flavor I bet. YUM! Have a great Sunday!

Posted 5 months ago #
Hil87
Member

Emi - Don't feel guilty about the one cupcake, there is nothing wrong with having one. In fact I hope you really enjoyed eating it. Mm pomegranate fro you is so yummy, I love places like Pinkberry.

Posted 5 months ago #
stopthemadness
Member

3/14/10

Okay so added on to that red velvet cupcake last night I also had 2 small bowls of cereal and some more bread and hummus. Although it wasn't a full out binge I felt like I was emotionally eating.. good thing I stopped myself -_-. Today is a new day and I will try to listen to my body which is not feeling guilty after eating because I realize that has been stressing me out. I am also stressed out because of this paper I have to write on the Israe/Palestine situation, something I don't know tooo much about. This morning so far I've had
B) Bread and hummus, bowl of cereal, tablespoon of peanut butter
S) Cinnamon Drink

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey girl...its ok from time to time to emotionally eat...the world does that, especially when you are under stress! But like you said, its always best to listen to your body. Just don't beat yourself up the few times you do emotionally eat...and no guilt What matters is it didn't turn into a full out binge!! Good luck with your paper! Hugs, Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
stopthemadness
Member

3/14/10 continued

Well I couldn't help but feeling a little guilty today for the emotional eating last night but I shook it off. Today I just wrote my paper and then met up with my brother in Los Angeles for sushi. Normally I would be so stressed out to eat at a restaurant but I was okay. We ordered the lobster roll and dragon roll, and shared a bento that had chicken teriyaki, tempura, and pork cutlet. It was good and I did not stuff myself to the max. I ate til I was content. Afterwards, stopped by Whole Foods and stocked up on Luna bars!! Bought rice pudding as well. Came home.. ate a rice pudding.. I made sure it didn't turn into a binge. I know that I don't need to eat more because I feel that my stomach is full. Blah, it's just hard because I 'm used to just stuffing it til uncomfortably bloated. Oh goodness.. and that guy ant has been texting me non stop asking me to hang out all weekend even when I told him I was busy.. he goes "I'd really like to see you".. "Maybe you can come over after that". omg so persistent. It's a little annoying but I might just go hang out with him later and watch lovely bones or something. Not sure if it's a good idea.. hopefully he knows that I want to be friends only. IF not.......... I will let him know. Well here's what I had today.

B) Bread and hummus, bowl of cereal, tablespoon of peanut butter
S) Cinnamon Drink
L) Protein Drink, Grilled Asparagus and Mushrooms
S) Protein Bar
D) Sushi rolls and some Chicken and Pork
S) Cup of Rice Pudding

It feels weird not to restrict! But I just don't want to binge.. and that's the most important thing.. Even though I want to lose weight and I hope I do.

-Emi

Posted 5 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Hey hey Emi,

I've just caught up with your journal. Yep i am another who is like you. The weight part plays on my mind too and i became obsessed about ti and began counting cals and then binged and felt like a pig and then would eat well in the week but would 'treat' myself at weekends and binge. Oh it was horrible but since being on this site thats all changed but yeah it does take a long time and there is sooooo much to learn! Its all about trial and error too.

You are doing really well though and just keep listening to your hunger signals and especially the 'full' sign because i really feel that is the key!!

Your food looks yummy though and don't feel bad about the ocassional cake and remember you can have treats too!

That's great you are allowing yourself to go out and eat and i must say i LOVE sushi. Oh my work just saying the word makes me dribble hehe. ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Sorry i was day dreaming about sushi there lol.

Oh dear that boys got it bad. Hum, maybe tell him you're really busy for the next few weeks and that you'll contact him when you are free. I know you don't want to be mean but sometimes you have to tell a little lie to get out of a situation hehe.

Oh and by the way I work around food, I'm a meetings and events planner in a conference centre, and its a killer. The food is always so good and FREE. A total nightmare!

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Emi!! You did great with the sushi out with your bro and then giving yourself some rice pudding for dessert when you got home! Mmm I stocked up on Luna bars on Saturday too! I know it feels weird to let yourself eat like this and not restrict, but it is the best way to keep binges away AND when you are listening to your body, your body weight will gradually go down and level out to where it should be. Don't even worry about that! Hmm I think you need to have another talk with "ant" that you just want to be friends because he sounds like he is being a bit pushy and def. has alternative motives! Have a great Monday! ~Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
Hil87
Member

I'm so glad you weren't stressed out when you ate at the restaurant this weekend. Also good job listening to your body when you ate the sushi and then had the rice pudding later. As for pushy boys I find that you have to be very direct with them, in order for them to hear what you're saying. Be honest and firm, hopefully it will work and he'll back of some. - Hillary

Posted 5 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Hey hon

I was so impressed when I have caught up with your journal today. You have made some impressive changes already. You allowed yourself to have food you wouldn't normally and a big one is that you had a little bit of emotional eating but you stopped yourself from it turning into an all out binge HOW GOOD IS THAT. You have done it now so in future you know you can do it again. just because you have soemthing you don't have to let it go all the way.

I think you are doing really well

Posted 5 months ago #
El
Member

Hey Emi,
I've just been reading through your journal and wanted to say you are doing so well.
God- I was obsessed with my weight and size and losing weight - but more recently I have been concentrating on healthy eating habits....and it has just been such a relief. I think that we have spent so long ignoring what our body is telling us....it does take time to learn real hunger again - but keep on listening to your body and you will get there.
I overeat all the time - but very gradually....this is getting better

Posted 5 months ago #
chloe
Member

Hey emi, just caught up with your journal! You've done superbly well- such an inspiration for me. Let's pull through the three days together!

Posted 5 months ago #
stopthemadness
Member

3/15/10

Hihi!!
Ah so continuing on from last night. I ended up going to ants house to watch The lovely Bones.. waddyaa knoww... around 2 am it's getting late so I say I gotta go home.. and then he brings up the whole "are we still friends.. are do u feel more" talk AGAIN. when I already specifically told him I want to be friends. So I told him again.. and he was like "what did I do wrong?!?! I can work on it.. you're not even giving me a chance". Ergg So I made it clear to him that my heart wasn't in it and he can't force my feelings if they're not there. Gah it took him a while to even understand a little. He sees it as I am not trying to work thru things. Anyways we decided we're not going to talk for a while becus it's hard for him cus he wants to be more than friends. So I understand.

So today has been a little iffy.. but I've been able to pull through. My day started well, I decided to go light on breakfast and started getting really hungry in the afternoon so I ate a whole pizza from trader joes (the small garlic and mushroom one). I just studied all day and went to the gym and did 20 min on the elliptical and 20 minutes on the bike, as well as some weight training. Still trying not to feel guilty.. because I am so used to restricting and today I think I ate a normal amount of food. My goal is just not to binge!! Here's what I had today.

B) Bread and hummus
L) Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal with Banana and Milk
S) Garlic and Mushroom Pizza, Rice Pudding Cup
S) Dulce De Leche Luna Bar
D) Salmon Salad
S) Half and Orange, vanilla almond luna bar

ah do you think this is a lot of food? I am scared to gain weight :[. I just have this fear that eating normally like this is too much and i'm going to gain weight from it.

Ohh Lorena I agree it is horrible to work around food!! ESpecially it's free! I think that will be the ultimate test for me.. if I work a wedding will I be able to withstand a binge on the cakes and cookies, etc.

Lauren how funny we both stocked up on luna bars! lol did u find the vanilla almond one?? I bought the Dulce deleche one. delish! I also bought cookies and cream. Do you ever eat two luna bars in one day? I did that today and I'm not sure if that's too much.. -_-

hil thanks for the advice I was VERY direct with him and I think he gets the picture. finally.

Jacqui thanks for the encouragement. I am still finding it hard to not eat food too fast.. but at least I am not restricting or binging. I just need to keep this up and hopefully I will get the hang of eating normally.

El it is a relief not to worry about sticking to this small amount of calories... I was really really obsessed with losing weight and it only bit me in the ass. I am trying to eat normally now and we'll see how this works. I really just do not notnot want to gain weight. Somehow I have a fear that eating normally will make me gain weight.

Chloe I'm going to post in the random challenge journal!

<3 Emi

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Emi! Sorry he made you feel uncomfortable or pressured last night but I'm glad you were honest about where you stand so he doesn't end up feeling led on....its probably best if you guys don't talk right now. No your food for today looks like a GOOD, NORMAL amount...not an overeating that would cause weight gain! Thats pizza from Trader Joe's sounds so good! I had the Dulce de Leche bar yesterday too!! I don't usually have 2 in a day, but I also have no rule about it, so if its a Two Luna Bar day, no guilt, I just go with it You are doing fine girl!! Keep it up! ~Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
stopthemadness
Member

3/16/10
Well today has started off well! I'm almost done with my Israel paper that's due tonight. Hmm there was a mini earthquake at 4 am.. I felt the bed shaking as I was sleeping. kinda scary I heard CA is due for a huge earthquake soon :/. The last one that was in 1988 I believe, I was 1 years old and hid under my dining table. My cousin told me all the water from our pool splashed out.

Soo last night I premade my oatmeal for today. I just microwaved in a bowl one of those lower sugar maple syrup instant oatmeal packets and added milk. I let it soak in the refrigerator overnight and today I sliced up some bananas to add to it. I love the cold and cakey texture of the oatmeal. deeelish. Then I had a fiber fruit roll snack. Bring on binge free day number 7! This is where I cracked last week. I binged on day 8. hopefully I will not do this. Wish me luck <3 Emi

Posted 5 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

Don't need to wish you luck. I know you can get through this. The urges may come but you know we are here to talk to and you can use the skills you have learnt this week to help you get through it. If a day seems to long to get through then break it down into smaler bits.

Jacqui

Posted 5 months ago #
El
Member

Hey Emi
I totally get that need to lose weight - for years and years everything I ate was judged on the basis on how fat it might possibly make me- I used to think that one piece of cake would make me 'fat'.....and then I would binge because I would restrict so much.
I also completely understand the fear that eating normally will make you gain weight - what I understand now is that eating normally is eating exactly what you want....until you feel satisfied - and your body will go to its natural shape.
Your food looks just great today - well done for not restricting - and in time the feeling of guilt will go.
Also - I think it was so good you stood your ground and were honest about how you are feeling. It's so hard when all you want to be is friends.....and when people aren't happy with that - it is such a tricky situation, but space is def the best idea.
Scary about the earthquake - we get nothing like that in the UK - i've probably cursed it now - ha ha
You are doing so well Emi - keep it up

Posted 5 months ago #
cookiemonster
Member

Hey Emi!
Im so proud of you. While I havent been doing that great, youve been rocking that intuitive eating ! It definitely sounds like if you keep hanging out with that guy it will be torture for him...poor guy. I think guys are usually very persistent and they always seem to think that just because youre nice they still have a chance. You did the right thing by really being honest and explaining clearly that its just not.gonna.happen! Hopefully he gets it now. And it sucks when you enjoy their company as a friend you know.
Scary about the earthquake. When I was small and I lived in Greece there was this huge 6,5 earthquake that killed alot of people. It was the scariest moment of my life as I was at my neighbors house and I was just under the table waiting for it to pass and I kept thinking omg I dont wanna die Im only 10 years old !
But I think Cali is pretty well equipped for dealing with earthquakes and Im sure it will be fine if it happens even if its scary. I will still send my positive vibes so you can be safe Keep up what youre doing youre doing great !

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Congrats on 7 days!!! yum to that oatmeal! Have you tried dry oats mixed with yogurt then put in the fridge over night..YUMMO! That earthquake stuff is scary...and I'm hoping to move out to Cali soon! Eek! Are you in southern or northern Cali? Good luck girl you can do this!

Posted 5 months ago #
stopthemadness
Member

3/16/10 continued

Well I have not binged!!! woOoohOoo!! I just got back from watching Remember Me with 3 of my girl friends. Ahh it was so good.. and had a very unexpected ending! I recommend it :). Well hmm today.. I just studied all day, turned in my paper and then went to watch the movie. Now, it's late but I have to continue on studying. Eating wise today has been okay. I actually ate a lot in the afternoon but I listened to my stomach. Right now I'm still full so I just ate an apple and carrots. Do you think that's bad? I'm not hungry but I'm not restricting. If I'm hungry I will eat more. Here's the food for today. I really hope I can get past 7 days of no binging! This is day 7.

B) Chilled Maple Oatmeal with Banana and Milk
S) Half Orange
L) Paneer Tika Masala (cheese cubes.. so good!)
S) Dulce De Leche Luna Bar
D) Spoon of Peanut Butter, Apple, Carrots with Hummus

Jacqui thanks I'm going to do this!!! I want to get past day 8..

El I agree it is best to be honest with them.. it's better than me leading him on and having him be even more hurt in the end.

Anou wow that earthquake souunds very intense and scary! I was only 1-2 years old so I hardly remember anything... if at all. Good thing you are okay :]. Btw I read your journal you have learned so much and don't fret about this slip up it is a learning experience. <3

Lauren I have tried the coconut yogurt with oats!!! except it was vanilla coconut yogurt.. and at first I ate it with the oats raw because I was so excited to try it haha.. oh dear didn't go so well of course. After I soaked the oats in there it was delicious :] thanks for the tip. btw did you ever find the vanilla almond luna bar? I am in southern cali for school but originally am from northern cali!!! I love it here.. nice weather and beaches and shopping malls, etc. I think you would like it :]

-Emi

Posted 5 months ago #
Hil87
Member

Emi - I don't consider it restricting if you're not hungry and that's why you don't eat. Remember we're suppose to be listening to our bodies, so if it is saying I'm good right now, then there's nothing to do but wait for when it is ready. You're food looks good for today and woohoo on being binge free!

Posted 5 months ago #
stopthemadness
Member

3/17/10

Well!!! I am on day 8! This is where I cracked last time.. I need to do this..

So today I started off the day with a bowl of cereal then headed to work at the restaurant. Happy St Patrick's Day btw! The restaurant was decorated all green and festive :] and the food on the buffet was pretty good (goat cheese florentine ravioli, chicken in mushroom cream sauce, calamari, creamy split pea soup). umm.. however, hardly anyone came in so it was a pretty boring day :/..

I've been doing okay with intuitive eating but I found out that I have a pattern and I'm not sure it's a good thing.. I find that I eat a lot at lunch til my stomach is pretty full and then it holds me over til dinnertime and even then I'm not very hungry so I have a light dinner.. it's very bizarre. Is this normal? Should I be eating less for lunch so that I can eat more at dinner? Anyways I am pretty stressed out, I need to study for 2 finals that are back to back on Friday but I cannot let this make me binge. Here's what I've had for the day.

B) Bowl of Vanilla Almond Special K Cereal with Milk
L) Chicken in Cream sauce, Cheese Ravioli, Fries, Salad with beets and olives
S) Fruit (honeydew, melon)
D) Small Chicken Salad, fruit, spoonful of peanut butter (I seriously was not hungry at all...)
S) now I'm making my ground cinnamon health drink haha

mmk off to studying! <3 yas

-Emi

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Emi!! No I looked last weekend but they didn't have the Almond Vanilla!! WTF?!? I'm sure I'll be able to find them in Atlanta next time I go there! Thats awesome you are from Northern Cali...I bet the weather is awesome in Southern Cali! I would really love to live anywhere there! Oh yeah yogurt soaked with oats in the bomb! Glad you had a good day today. Hmm well I don't think its a big deal to eat a big lunch and a lighter dinner if thats what you want to do, you are listening to your hunger levels, and you aren't purposely restricting at night. Good luck studying! ~Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
stopthemadness
Member

OH btw I forgot to add that today I went out with my friends for a raspberry chai tea latte at this organic coffee shop!! Even though I was super full from lunch.. I made myself go and it was quite nice :]. So much better than freaking out and making excuses not to goo. I had a few sips and I saved the rest of the deliciousness for tomorrow :]

Posted 5 months ago #
Hil87
Member

Emi - It's great that you had a good day and even though you were full from lunch it is still good that you went out with your friends. What's even better is you listened to your body and saved the rest of your latte for tomorrow. Yay, that's huge! I'm originally from NorCal too (I caught that in your conversation with Lauren). Congrats on binge free day 8!

Posted 5 months ago #

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