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Emily’s Journal (I’m new, but very desperate)
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September 17, 2009 at 6:19 pm #998
Well I guess I should start with a short story. My name is Emily and I used to be anorexic. Not starve-yourself anorexic, but eat only healthy things and don’t touch anything bad. So I restricted myself of chocolate, baked goods, carbs, and ice cream for 2 WHOLE years. Well that definitely took a toll on me when I entered college 2 years ago. I was introduced to a whole new atmosphere that included endless amounts of food and junk foods that I never let myself eat before. Before I knew it, I was eating 5,000 calories a day, and stuffing my face with junk foods and crackers until 3 AM in the morning while everybody was asleep. I gained 40 pounds my first year and lost all of my social life and my grades plummeted because I lost motivation. The second year was spent mostly like this. Instead of going to class or hanging out with friends, when I woke up in the morning, I went straight to the kitchen and stuffed my body with anything I could find until I was doubled over in my bed crying. Then a few hours later, this cycle would start again. I hate(d) myself. I can’t understand why I don’t let myself be normal, why my life has to be CONTROLLED by food. I don’t live life for me. I live it for food.
Well, when I came home this summer from college, I made it my goal to lose weight and eat healthy again. I went from good motivation to just simply wanting to get skinny. I got my old extremely healthy eating habits back but that took a bigger toll on me. I’ve had many horrible binge episodes and the next day would either be another huge binge or starvation. This past week, it has been worse for me. The past two days, I binged on over 6,000 calories each in one sitting after dinner until 11PM and then I felt helpless.
I’m trying to convince myself that it’s a new day, and that it’s been only 2 days (2 days of horrendous, extreme, unbelievable binge eating, but 2 days nevertheless). I am now lying in bed this morning (or afternoon…I slept at 3 because my stomache was so extremely full), with my face extremely swollen (chipmunk cheeks and swollen nose), and my whole body feeling swollen, tingly, and fat (even though I know I couldn’t have gotten fat after 2 days, my stomache is still so full and bloated and I’m sweating because my body can’t handle it). I’m trying to tell myself it’s okay. That I can start anew and that it’s not too late. But I know that if not tonight, one night soon, I will get the uncontrollable urgeto binge again and will grab every carbohydrate I can put my hands on and gorge myself to death (almost literally).
I need someone who was or is in the same position as me to tell me what to do, and that I will be okay. Or just don’t sugarcoat it. Be harsh and realistic with me. I feel hopeless, lost, and disgusting. I keep looking at myself in the mirror, and i can’t believe that I have done this to myself once again after losing so much weight this summer. What should I do now! I want to starve myself all day but I know that’s only gonna lead me to grab everything in the pantry again tonight. Is there a way to recover from these 2 horrific binges, or am I stuck with the 4 pounds I gained?September 18, 2009 at 3:19 am #13763
Wow, when I read your post it resonates with me because of it’s simalarties to mine, I dont binge in the extreme you do but all the feelings( pysical and emotional) strike a resonoting cord with my own.
If there is anyway I can help you with your journey for an ear to listen or for a word to support in hard times let me know
JasmineSeptember 18, 2009 at 9:46 pm #13764
Right- you have gotton to the last point of low. You have come to the right place and this is where you turn your life around.
You are obviously a little depressed right now (im not blaming depression on your E.D by the way but being in a bad place makes you depressed.
I know how it feels to cry your eyes out after a bad binge and keep looking at your forever swelling body and keep pinching fat bits and measuring with your hands.
Please dont give up. Every day is the same it just depends on how you feel.
TThe start si always a good place to begin- even though its so hard.
The start for you i think is to wake up and eat breakfast. Then 3-4 hours later eat lunch and so on.
Dont skip any meals and this will help with not binging.
Get some exercise to kick start things too. and eat fruit and drink lots of water in between to keep up your metabolism.
Please dont feel bad- weve all been there in one way or another.
Keep posting and i really hope you find help on here!
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