El's 2010 journal « Binge Eating Forum

Binge Eating Forum » Binge Eating Support - General Comments, Questions, and Posts

El's 2010 journal

(291 posts)

Started 8 months ago by El
Latest reply from livvv

Tags:

12…6 Next »

El
Member

Hello,
I have recently joined this forum and I have been really inspired by all the journals and posts on this site.
I have been a binge eater for the past 3 years and I think it really started after years of anorexic behaviour and restrictions on foods.
I have found the past few weeks especially difficult, and really feel that I have to do something about this now.
I seem to go for a couple of days and feel so proud of myself as I eat the 'right' kinds of food - mainly that I dont eat food I think of as bad, but then I just go crazy and eat everything I can get my hands on.
I feel like I dont know how to eat normally anymore - I dont have any idea about portion size or food that is ok to eat, and I don;t trust myself with food.
I do quite a lot of exercise and so get quite hungry and I just feel like I eat all the time - it consumes my thoughts.
I feel so low with how I look at the moment - I cant bear to look in the mirror anymore, or at photos of myself - and I don;t know how to get my self esteem back.
I want to lose a bit of weight - but I know from what I have read here that dieting is not going to stop me from binging....I don't really know what to do.
Thanks and I do think that this site will really help - it is so amazing to actually fins somewhere where so many others are going through similar things.

Posted 8 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey there..just wanted to say welcome. Your story sounds very familiar as I also got here from trying to eat perfectly healthy when I wasn't bingeing, and then would go crazy on the "forbidden foods". The thing that helped me was letting go of dieting and turning more to intuitive eating. Even if you want to lose weight, most of us do, your focus needs to be on not bingeing and learning to listen to your body's hunger and fullness signs. Keep journaling and best of luck to you!

Posted 8 months ago #
El
Member

So today is the first day of my non-binge self...it is going ok - although I can't help but feel a little out of my depths.
I went to the gym this morning which always makes me feel better after binging the night before.
The thing is, even though I think I will be ok today.....tomorrow could be a different day.

Thanks so much Lauren - it is so so good to find other people who completely understand what it feels like. My family are so supportive, but there is just no way they know what this feels like
I really love the thought that I never have to diet again, but I just don't know how to let go.
In my head I am telling myself that I can eat what I like, and with no restrictions, but in reality...it is so hard to let go.
I don't know if I can have one piece of chocolate - and I always eat even when I am passed being full.
I don't feel like I can remember what it is to eat normally, without guilt, or a binge.
I feel good today though - and I don't think I will binge.
So
Today I have had.....
A large bowl of cereal for breakfast
Snack - a banana and melba toast
Lunch - 2 slices of wholemeal bread with grated carrot and quorn sausages and a large portion of melon and grapes.

I think this is ok - I just always feel like I am being greedy and overeating. I seriously don't know what hunger is I think.
Hope the rest of the day goes ok!!!

Posted 8 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey El...listen girl don't let yourself feel overwhelmed. Recovery is very much a process and its all about taking baby steps. Baby steps to not bingeing and not restricting and boosting your confidence. Then slowly adding back your forbidden foods and seeing that once you aren't mentally restricting them, you can eat them in moderation. The getting out of diet and weight loss mentality takes time..it took me 7 weeks to truly be ok with what I weighed, regardless of what it was, so you need to have patience and try not to get into perfectionist mode (like most of us do with this). You may slip a little from time to time, but its about getting back on the wagon, learning from why you binged (food restricting vs. emotional triggers) and getting more and more binge-free periods behind you. You will and can get there. Eventually after enough time, you will find your mind shifting away from the ED thinking and you'll begin to trust your body and be able to listen to its hunger/fullness cues. But again, baby steps. Your food sounds just fine for today. Don't worry about if you are over eating right now, whats more important is to not binge and not restrict in the beginning. Stay strong, Lauren

Posted 8 months ago #
El
Member

Well- I just had dinner and managed to avoid a binge. Today is a really difficult day as it is the first anniversay of the death of a dear dear friend, and I was worried that I would be tempted to binge....and I didn't!
I had prawns and couscous followed by stewed apple a low fat yog for pudding. I did have a teaspoon of chocolate sauce, but I wasn't tempted to have more more more. It felt good, and I want to make sure this happens tomorrow as well.

Lauren - thank you so much for your advice - It does feel like my brain is trying to trick me...but I feel confident that in time, I can eat 'normally'. I have spent time today, when I start to think about food, really thinking about my hunger, and if I am really needing food or not - It is quite interesting and I want to try and keep this up.

It is so easy for me to restrict - I think I trick myself into thinking that I don't like chocolate etc, and for a while I believe it, until I have a binge. I have slowly realised over the past few months how consumed I have been by this ED....for years it is all that has consumed my thoughts - and yet I can't ever remember being happy when I eat less or more.
So - tomorrow will be my second non-binge day.

Posted 8 months ago #
wpf
Member

hey el! congratulations on day one! ull see how this gets easier as days go by!
as lauren says i would focus on satyin binge free for now untill u get were uw ant to be and ull see tht weightloss comes alone am sorry abt the date u have to remember and i hope it went just well. WEe have to find ways to deal with emotions other thn stuffing our face with food which just makes us feel worse!
wishing u luck on day 2, myrna

Posted 8 months ago #
Raquel
Member

Hi El
I have just joined too and very mich relate to what you say in that I do not really trust myself about what to eat and when to eat. I think that what I am going to try to do is have three square meals a day and no sugar as thata is a trigger for me and for a lot of people. It sounds like you are doing very well. Tomorrow is going to be my day one of non-bingeing and so feel very encouraged to read how you are getting on, good luck with day two

Posted 8 months ago #
El
Member

Hey,
Thanks so much for the posts - It is amazing to know such support is there.
Today was fine....tomorrow will be the challenge. I think that being aware of that is good - although it has never stopped me before.
I'm sure it is a common feeling, but I go into a sort of trance when I go for a binge - I know it is going to make me feel rubbish - but at that time I feel like there is nothing I can do to stop it - I would love to go for a bath or a walk, but starting a binge is so quick that I sometimes am doing it before I can blink an eye.
I am realy going to challenge this though this week - that it what I am aiming for at the moment - just one week binge-free....I completely agree that baby steps are the way forward!

I am an emotional eater, and I also do it when I don't want to think about something, or I think that I am bored.
I am a student at the moment, and when I am stuck on an essay...I go and eat.
I also get so cross with myself - I think that is a major reason why I do it as then I don;t have to address the real reason I am upset etc.
I can be so horrible to myself. But.....this year I am going to learn to be kind to myself.

Raquel - that is brilliant about having 3 square meals - although I am going to try and eat 5 I think, so I don;t feel deprrived or too hungry. I think the problem for me is that I never really know what triggers a binge....apart from the fact that it always stems from a period of restriction. - I have cut so many thinkgs from my diet - I can't really remember what cheese tastes like!

wpf - thanks so so much - I actually read your blog before I started writing and found it so helpful - and inspiring.

I am looking forward to another binge free day tomorrow

Posted 8 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey I know what you mean..I always felt like I went into a trance when I started bingeing! I think a one-week binge free goal is a great idea..you can do this. Just focus on getting thru one day at a time. Since you are an emotional eater try getting on here and journaling when you are upset or stressed about something so that you use that instead of food to cope. Hope you have a great night! Hugs, Lauren

Posted 8 months ago #
El
Member

So today so far has been ok.
I went to the gym first thing which was good - and have a big breakfast - I have eaten quite a lot today, but it has not been a binge.
I think that tonight is the test as it always happens after I finish dinner - no matter how full I am.
I went shopping with my sisters today - I can't stress enough how much I hate shopping.
It really started when I began to have a difficult relationship with food, and a complete loathing for the way I look.
In the past I have even binged before I went out shopping, almost as a sort of punishment, so I could look in the mirror and say to myself - 'look what you have done to your body'
I actually just don't really bother trying some things on - I am sure that this will change as I get some of my confidence back.
Thinking back though - I think that I have had a very critical view of my body image for as long as I can remember - but never in a positive way. I have been singe for a while now, but I sometimes think that I subconsciously stop myself from meeting guys - maybe because I think that it will be hard to let someone close to me as I know at some point I will need to explain why my relationship with food is so difficult. It gets me down though.
Anyway - so far I feel like I will be ok tonight....and that feels really good.

Posted 8 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey El man I know just what you are talking about. I always always always have hated shopping..it just made me depressed because i felt like nothing looked good on me..and then it usually triggered a binge out of self-loathing. Like you said though when your confidence starts coming up, those shopping trips will get better. I have been single for 4 years for exactly the reasons you say..I was terrified to let a guy into my life and have to tell him about my BED and drag him into my problems..its tough because being in a relationship is such a good support system but you need to be healthy and love yourself before you can really love someone else... try not to get down because the more you are in recovery the better you will feel about yourself and the more comfortable you will feel starting to date guys..I've just started again finally. So thing will get better. Hope you have a good night! Stay strong. Hugs, L

Posted 8 months ago #
wpf
Member

arghh i just wrote a whole paraghraph which got deleted!! oh well ill rewrite
well done on stayin binge free today! its ok if u eat a bit more thn u would like to as long as u keep binges controlled!
abt shoppuing...i think we can all realte to u. i personally hate shoppin in general too although i have to admit tht wen i feel confindet and pretty i love it but sizes are so weird latly and the desings are made for like one type of body-which is a very thing one! which makes me feel fat with anything i try! but dont worry when u start gettin freed from bingin ull see how ull love urslef more and feel more confident and enjoy shopping
abt men- i too have the same feelin! i also cancel dates becasue i think theyll freak out wen i dont have dinner but then next day they see me with a bloted belly or wen i eat my food and theirs or wen i dont eat at all...its kind of crazy how food can affect all aspects of our life!!
hope u had a great day!

Posted 8 months ago #
Raquel
Member

Hi El,
I am sure that once you start getting your confidence back then you will start meeting gys quite naturally but at the moment perhaps you need to get into good habits and focus on looking after yourself. I am sure it will happen before you know it. I similarly think I probably subsonsciously stop myself meeting guys. I know I give off very unsexy vibes because I do not really want them too close. And at the moment I find i barely even get into that situation and am not meeting guys at all. I have been feeling so unattractive though that it is best not probably. But I have had one full day of very healthy rounded meals (from porridge at breakfast to a stirfry just now and I feel positive about this.
I do think that everytime we binge we go back to 0 again, self-esteem plummets and it is back to trying to build oneself up. It is so destructive. So we just have to fight fight fight those urges knowing how awful it is going to make us feel and how much longer it is going to take to get in good habits. I am sure we can train ourselves out of these automatic reflexes to food.
I also go into a trance. I do not think properly and anything sensible like going for a swim, ringing a friend, going on a walk feels absolutely impossible. It is s strange. It seems so obvious what is the right and proper thing to do for us, yet we do not do it.
We have to look after ourselves! Stop punishing ourselves with binges!
If I was you I would avoid shopping till you get into better routines, I think it is best to try not to look at the body too much and just concentrate on what you know is a balanced eating pattern and exercise pattern. This is what I am telling myself too though I do find it difficult not to scrutinise after a bath for example. But health is the important thing and our body will take care of its self as long as we feed it and exercise it right.
I have gone on too much.
I am thinking of going to an OA meeting tomorrow night as I am aware that in the past I have thought I was fine and fixed, so got on with life and of course things have gone rather wrong recently.
I hope you have got through this day without any self destructive behaviour. I am in bed very early (which is nice) with a cup of green tea. I almost feel guilty for being in bed so early but think should probably just be pleased to have had a binge free, and happy day.

Posted 8 months ago #
El
Member

Day two binge free - brilliant.
Someone in my family made a passing comment today about my portion sizes - what I tend to do is eat loads and loads of veg - I literally pile it up on my plate - as I hope it wil fill me up. It goes back to my restriction days when I would eat only vegetables in an attempt to avoid any fat or carbs.
I tried to explain that I don't really know at the moment when I am full and therefore I don't often know when to stop eating - but it is so hard explaining this condition to other people. It also make sme feel really paranoid when someone comments upon any of my food habits - I feel like I am being watched and I hate that

Lauren - you are so right - I know that as soon as I get more confident, and actually start to like, even love myself again....I will meet someone - I do believe that it will be when I am ready and I don't want to rush into anything, or force myself to like someone.
That is so so amazing that you are dating again - you really give me hope - thank you so much!

WPF - ha ha I do that all the time - I am rubbish with computers and constantly do silly things.
It is so strage what we put ourselves through - on the one hand I really really want to meet someone nice - but I don't see how that is possible at the moment when I am really funny about who I let near to me. I don't really like people touching me, not until I feel more confident anyway.
In all honesty, I think that if I am honest, what I am waiting for is a man to come and 'save' me, and make me feel better about myself. I am slowly learning that I need to do this for myself first.

Raquel - Thank you so much for your message.
I totally agree with you - I think that I just don;t find myself in situations when I can meet guys. I think I give off such hostile vibes. That is briliant that you have done so well today - I know that it is a small step (only being on day 2) but that is really good for me.
I know that I binge precisely so my self-confidence is reduced to 0 - it then means that I can be angry with myself and not address the real reason I am upset.
I have always been really jealous of people who can stop before they binge, and go for a walk etc - I just can't stop myself in time.
I think that the way forward for me is to make sure that I don't let myself near the point where I usually binge - I am going to try and write on here if I feel the need - but we will see how that goes in practice.
Having been on here for the last few days - I feel so much better already. It was the feeling of being so alone with it that I found so hard.
I am going to try and listen to my body more - I want to try and trust myself to make decisions regarding food and stop punishing myself - it is so exhausting.
I think that it is brilliant that you are thinking about going to an OA meeting. I think it takes so much courage to go along to a meeting, but I think that knowing that there are other people to talk to is so helpful. I have seen a few therapists over the years and a couple have really helped - but for me, nothing can compare with talking to people who are actually experiencing similar things.
Well- I think I am going to go to bed as well - hope you have all had a peaceful day and night and thank you all so much.
I am looking forward to day 3 binge free tomorrow

Posted 8 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Congrats on 2 days binge free El!! Man I have been exactly where you are because I binged to reinforce my self-hatred and to almost continue destroying my self esteem so that I shelled up around anyone and literally repelled guys. I can count on one hand how many guys hit on me during that 4 year period and I have literally had twice that amount flirting with me in the last 3 weeks. So I PROMISE there is hope. But like you said, focus on getting better and the time will come when you are ready to start attracting guys into your life. You are right about getting on here when you have that bingey feeling, even if you are still going to binge, at least you can type out what you are feeling, what is going on, so you can identify the triggers and learn from them. Also, starting to focus on listening to your body is a great idea. I was exactly the same with eating LOADS of vegetables to feel full and satisfied and my family always looked at me crazy for it..and I always felt self conscious about it. I would literally no joke bake a 1.5 pound eggplant and eat the whole thing, along with fruit and tofu for one dinner meal!! Anyways stay strong for Day 3..you can do it! Hugs, L

Posted 8 months ago #
El
Member

Well - today has been ok so far, but I just feel a bit weird about things - like all I have done is eat.
I had a really big bowl of cereal for breakfast and then went for a long walk - then I had a banana and meba toast as a snack. IT was lunch that made me a bit uncertain - I had a large baked potato with baked beans, some fruit smoothie, a low fat hot chocolate and then a bit later a large piece of date flapjack. This wasn't becuase I was hungry - I just wanted it.
It is good as I haven't gone back to binge on more - but I am maybe stuck in 'diet mode' where I have eaten so much food out of my comfort zone. It has sent me into a bit of a panic - and I am doing the usual thing of making myself look fat in the mirror.

I am doing a keep fit class later I hope - that will help a bit - I just need to keep in mind that I have not had a binge - just a piece of cake - and that is what 'normal' people do right?

Lauren - you are right about meeting someone - although today mt newly single best friend told me she is off on a date next week - I was sort of jealous. She is a bit of a funny girl - she was one of the only people I told at the start of my dealing with my ED, and has responded in a very strange way. I think it was about a year or so ago, she looked at me and told me that I had put on weight - but looked good for it. I just thought to myself....who says that to a person dealing with an ED. The other day I went round and she kept on going on about how skinny she was.......and instead of getting really upset and down on myself - I recognised that she is trying to make herself feel good by making me feel bad - such an odd thing to do.

Anyway - I am going to make sure that I don't binge later on today - I just want to get away from the feeling that I am putting on weight with every bite of cake I have!

Posted 8 months ago #
loveapple
Member

Hey el,

I just read your journal and it made me laugh in recognition. I beat myself up in exactly the same way you for the kind of perfectly normal lunch you ate today! Of course it's normal sometimes to eat something just because you want it. Us lot just have to be careful that it doesn't lead to a binge, but you seem to be in control of that so just keep hold of that control and you'll be fine! and you're right - that cake is not going to appear anywhere on your body unless you eat 20 of them!

You haven't binged and that is all that matters.

Keep going,

Lx

Posted 8 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey El...no eating a piece of cake is normal and totally ok!!! I am hoping to have a piece of something good this weekend when I come across a vegan dessert in Atlanta Nothing to feel guilty about and 100% normal. Its eating the entire cake that is not normal! You are doing just fine. Kick that ED voice out of your head...he is wrong...you are doing just fine. Remember its not about weight loss, its about getting your life back from this binge monster. Having a piece of cake once in a while is opening the door to letting your mind let go of that diet mentality and just leting yourself eat normally. So tell him to "F off"

Wow that is pretty jerky (if I can say that) of your best friend. I am so sorry that she wasn't more sensitive when you told her and that she made that comment about her weight..I'm glad you see though that she is only trying to boost her own self-esteem and aren't letting yourself be bothered by it. Don't worry about the guy situation..when the timing is right, Mr Right will show up. Hugs, L

Posted 8 months ago #
El
Member

So the rest of the day was ok - I didn't binge - HOORAY - so that is day three with no binge - that feels really good.
However, I feel really full and bloated as I know I ate too much - I am just keeping hold of the fact that I didn't binge.

Lauren - Thank yo so much - that is just what I needed to hear. It feels so uncertain sometimes now I don't have foods I have banned. I found safety in my restrictions - but I know that this is not the way to cope with binge eating.
I am so glad that you said that - at fist I thought maybe it was just me being over sensitive...but the more I thought about it the more it made me a little mad. I think it really just reiterates the fact that this is hard to understand without having experienced it - but the comment about my weight was devastating at the time - I think it still would be actually.
However - I don't think anyone, even without an ED, that would like being told they have put on weight.

So tomorrow I will be going for day 4 binge free - brilliant - I never thought I would be able to even think about doing this....and I hope it lasts!!!
Tomorrow I want to work eating until I am full - but I am just going to be happy so long as I don't binge.

Posted 8 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Great job today!! I know I feel you with restricting feel safe..but not restricting feel FREE..and nothing beats that! Yeah know nobody would want to hear that comment. Definitely rude. You can do 4 days binge free..stay strong!! Hugs, Lauren

Posted 7 months ago #
El
Member

Day 4
Has started well - although I was going to go to the gym today and it has been shut due to snow.
It makes me feel a bit stressed - I like doing exercise everyday as it makes me feel like I am doing something productive about my body, and that I can feel more relaxed about what I eat. I am better than I was, but I hate feeling inactive. It is like I can feel myself putting on weight by not going to the gym.
I will go for a walk instead.
Today is going to be good - and I am not going to binge

Posted 7 months ago #
El
Member

Oh - and I meant to ask - do people plan out a weeks worth of meals? I never know what the best thing to do is.
I don't know if planning a meal is worth while or if it promotes slight obsessive behaviour.
I do get stuck in a rut - eating the same meals over and over again- - one of my aims is to expand my meal options.

Posted 7 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Hey El,

Well done on your 4 days binge free!

I know what you mean about the gym. I hate it when things get in the way of your plans especially the gym!

With meals i plan the night before just as a guideline really but i don't stick to it always. If i fancy something else for lunch or dinner then i have that instead of whats written but i like the fact i have a guidline as i then know at least how much to allow myself in the day. Hope that makes sense.

It is a good way to add new foods though so give it a try.

Hope you have a good day x

Posted 7 months ago #
Louise
Member

Hi El... i take it you are UK ?? What with the snow comment ...if so whereabouts.. I am UK, but live in the middle east so I am homesick...seemingly latching on to anything or anyone english
You are doing so well, and I love the way you very confidently say...' looking forward to another binge free day tomorrow'.... or 'tomorrow will be binge free day 2'...this is so positive and like you have absolutely no intention of binging.. I love this !
I plan the weeks meals to a point ... actually I used to plan EVERYTHING apart from the binges of course.. but it was the restrictions that led to binging.. I was OBSESSED with food... anyway, since I have been on here, my attitude to food has changed somewhat, and yes I plan the weeks food to a point only becasue you need some idea of what to buy in the supermarket.. i try to do just one big shop per week.. so if i plan my meals i only buy in what's needed..
Anyway, i love your journal... enjoy the snow xxxxx

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey El..thats a bummer about the gym and the snow but try not to feel too down about it..really it is good to give you body a day or two completely off working out to prevent injury. I don't plan my meals a week in advance because I prefer to just figure out what I am in the mood for before the meal I'm going to eat. I used to plan my meals on Sundays for the whole week for years but I found myself not enjoying what I was eating and then that sometimes led to bingeing so it helps not to just go with what I am wanting. Hope you have a nice day! ~L

Posted 7 months ago #
El
Member

Hey,

Lorena and Lauren - thanks so so much for the advice - for a couple of years I was so strict with my meal plans which - like you said Lauren, took all the joy out of eating - I ate because I had them written on the paper instead of what I fancied.
So - I think I will make sure I get enough ingredients for a few meals to give myself the option. I will plan a bit, but also allow for flexibility too.

Hooray - day 4 binge free complete.

Louise - I certainly am from England - which seems to be at a stand still because of the snow. I am about an hour south of London near Guildford. It's really pretty and very quiet. So where abouts are you from? I get so homesick when I have been away in the past so I totally understand that - but being in the Middle East sounds pretty amazing. Have you moved there?
Thanks so so much for your comments- I sort of think in my mind that if I tell myself I can do something....I will do it.
After I finish my evening meal, I find that this is my danger time - and I did have a moment this evening when I would had usually gone back into the kitchen and helped myself to everything....but I just stopped myself from doing it tonight - It felt so empowering and I just kept on thinking to myself that I can have cake (or whatever I fancy) tomorrow.
I still think I eat a lot - but at least it isn't a binge.......which is just so fantastic.

I did a new exercise dvd today at home, and at the end of it, it included a diet plan for 1400 calories - usually I would have been tempted to do this.......but I know that for me, they just don't work as tempting as the quick-fix diet sounds.

I am looking forward to tomorrow.

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

I'm glad you are going to allow for some flexibility and good job tonight on resisting that urge after dinner! Glad you are looking forward to tomorrow. Stay strong girlie! Hugs, Lauren

Posted 7 months ago #
El
Member

Today was an ok day.
I managed to get to the gym which is good - but I felt like I ate so much today.
It wasn't a binge and I feel a bit more in control of that which is just amazing...but I did eat a lot.
I think in strange ways though - part of me thinks that I should already be losing weight by these few days of not binging.....but I know this will come with sensible and steady eating over a period of time.
I am determined not to resort to dieting and to not binge.
Day 5 binge free complete - and I am so pleased!

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Great job on 5 days. Yeah I know, especially in the beginning of recovery we all want that fast instant weight loss that we are used to from crash dieting. But you want something that will be long-term and not the ups and downs of bingeing so stick with what you are doing and it will come off slowly. Doing great..keep it up! ~Lauren

Posted 7 months ago #
El
Member

Day 6
Going ok - although I had lunch and a pudding, but then went and had a large piece of cake as well.
The thing is, it wasn't a binge as I just stopped after one bit and actually didn't want any more which is fantastic - but it was literally just after my lunch and pudding, so in that respect is wasn't great.

I know that I am still eating a lot - my portions are big and I have big snacks too, but to not have binged for 5 and a half days is brilliant. I am so determined to get through the month without a binge, and already I feel a bit more confident that my eating habits are changing.

Lauren - thank you - you are the voice of reason, as it is actually easier to revert back to dieting and restricting, than to keep confidence in eating with no restrictions.
I do however feel bloated a lot - which makes me feel very large. I'm not sure what this is exactly - I have tried cutting things out, but it sort of feels like i'm restricting when I do that - it might be because I do eat big portions
This will be what I work on next - eating until I am full.

Posted 7 months ago #
wpf
Member

hey el bIGGG ocngrats on six days binge free!! tht is great!
i can totally relte to u with feelin bloated and not bingin and ven going to the gym. I dont know if its because my sick time is comin but i swear it pisses me off so much! but u did a great job not givin in to the 1400 calories diet. I too know it will only lead back to bingin again!
i think u are doing very good on eating what u feel like eating, even if u feel like ur eaeting a lot. But i think we should at first focus on stop the binges and then slowly and if u consider it necessary cut down on the portions
hope u had a great end of the dayy
Myrna

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey El..having some cake after you lunch is fine...the bloating might be from getting beyond fullness but right now you are keeping binges away so just focus on that. When you feel comfortable with being binge-free, then you can try and listen to your body more and eat according to hunger/satiety signals. But if you are eating and you notice you are full, just stop eating and remind yourself you can finish your left overs in 1 hour/3 hours/tomorrow, basically anytime you get hungry again. that has really helped me to not feel like I have to finish everything on my plate. Yeah it is easier to go back to restricting and dieting as that is in our comfort zones, but you want a life away from the BED, so you know what you are doing now is going to give you that... Have a good day! ~Lauren

Posted 7 months ago #
El
Member

Hey,
Thanks Lauren - I thought it could be down to the eating beyond fullness.....and i'm fine with that as I know that once I have completely got rid of the binges, I can concentrate fully on my body.

The rest of yesterday was fine - lots of food, but certainly no binge.
I went out with my sisters in the evening which was lovely, but I just hate how I feel in my clothes, and it always affects the start of the evening. I hate how I look next to them, and I how I feel in my clothes. Most of all, at the moment I feel like I have a fat face and so I do't like having my photo taken.
The thing is - no matter what size I am, I haven't been happy with myself for the duration of my ED, and I know that it is the emotional side of things I need to deal with as much as anything else.

I do know that I want to look in the mirror and love what I see.

I know that I need to be massively careful today as I had a couple of drinks last night, which has always meant I binged the next day as my blood sugar got too low.
I will be a week today - an actual week without my raiding the cupboards and eating until I am sick......and I do not intend to ruin that today.

Posted 7 months ago #
El
Member

Ok - so I had a very large breakfast and been to the gym - I have had quite a lot to eat for a snack and lunch and actually felt a bit like I was going to bonge after - but so far I have avoided this.
I have eaten healthy stuff - but a lot of it - I think that I know that in the past I have always binged after drinking a bit, so I guess I am trying to avoid this - keeping out of the kitchen and about to go for a walk.

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey there..well I am glad you went out with your sisters. I know what you mean about just wanting to love your body...I have always wanted that...but I don't think its the size that matters. Even when I was 00 and 108 pounds I still didn't like what I saw in the mirror. I think that is part body dysmorph that comes with EDs and also because I wouldn't allow myself to say/think nice things about myself. Now I just try and tell myself I look good, and eventually I am able to brain wash myself into believing it

Stay strong today and keep focusing on how good it feels not to binge. Hugs, Lauren

Posted 7 months ago #
El
Member

Day 8
Well the rest of yesterday was ok - but today I just feel really weird.
I went to the gym this morning which was great - I thn came back and had a good sized lunch - then I decided to make a cake. The funny thing is, I haven't binged - I ate loads of the cake as I was making it - but didn't go on and eat other things - and I sort of stopped when I was really full.
I am just feeling a bit rubbish in myself - I feel like I am never going to lose weight as I eat massive portions - Even though I haven't technically had a binge for over a week - I eat all the time and it's always carbs.

I've felt quite good over the past couple of days, but I feel so disheartened with everything. I just feel like I am never going to move on.
Lauren - you are so right - my sisters and I were talking the other day as I think that I look in the mirrir and see something totally different to what other people see....and no matter what size I am, it is never good enough.
I will try and be more positive about myself - I do try, but sometimes it feels so hard, especially when my body feels bloated and horrible.
Massive complaint over.....It is good to vent on here.

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

I know how you feel El..it has taken me A LONG time to be ok with my imperfect body. It just takes a while. Be patient with yourself. I'm sorry you are feeling crappy but remember that large portions are SO much more preferable to bingeing. And thats pretty great you were able to eat the cake until you were full and stop and not have that turn into a full out binge. You will get there and move on..just give yourself time. Hugs, Lauren

Posted 7 months ago #
El
Member

Thanks so much Lauren - I am just having a bad day today - but I need to keep hold of the fact that I haven't binged....and I don't intend to.
Tomorrow is a new day and I am going to try and plan my meals and snacks so I know what to get when I am hingry. I think part ofthe problem is when I don't know what to go and eat.
One of my sisters is going away tomorrow for 7 months and I am so sad - I want to make sure that this emotion doesn't cause a binge - I want to be able to deal with this myself.

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Aw I am sorry you have had a tough day and that your sis is leaving for 7 months. Yep hold onto the fact that you have not binged..and be proud of that! Feel better hun, Lauren

Posted 7 months ago #
El
Member

Well I went to bed last night feeling so full - although it wasn't a binge....it was a lot of food I consumed.
Today is ok - my sister has left to go travelling for 7 months which feels awful - I am so excited for her but I will miss my best friend.
A photo was taken before she left and I have never ever seem my face look so fat and horrible - and then I got upset as I was sort of thinking of that and not her.
Thanks so much Lauren and you are right - I am so proud that I haven't binged - I just need to get a handle on my portion size and how often I am eating - (listening to my body)
I think that I still go into slight glazed over mode and just don't stop when I am full.

However - I am now on my 9th day - woohoo.
So - I am going to make a flexible food plan for the next few days, just so I can plan some snacks in and variation AND start writing my food on here so I can look at what I am consuming

Today so far....

B - Fat free activia yog and a large bowl of cereal
S - Handful of grapes
L - Tuna salad and 2 dough balls (restaurant)
S - 3 ryvita slims and a fat free yog and a few grapes

Posted 7 months ago #
cookiemonster
Member

Dont worry about it you are doing great not bingeing, over eating is normal and it will happen while you are trying to adjust. In fact I have the exact same problem and I keep telling myself that the main priority here is not bingeing.

You are on the right track keep it up !

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Congrats on 9 days binge free. Its ok if you are still over eating a bit...you will get more used to listening to your body the further you get in this process. I'm sorry that your sister has left..I'm sure you will miss her but at least she can keep in touch via email from pretty much anywhere in the world. And good job staying strong with that stress/sadness!

Posted 7 months ago #
El
Member

Thanks guys - still no binge - brilliant.
I am embracing the fact that I am still over eating a bit - I have read so many journals where people are overeating, (which is at the start of this process) and I know that as I get a realy hold of this, I will also be able to control my portions.
I can't wait to understand and listen to what my body really needs.

Today has been fine - lots to eat, but all controlled.

B - Fat free activia yog
Large bowl of cereal and a banana

S - apple flavour rice cakes

L- Wholemeal pitta with grated carrot, cottage cheese and tuna
3 rice cakes
fat free yog with stewed fruit

S - small bowl of cereal
Later snack before keep fit - melba toast and some prawns

Had an email from my best friend (who has made odd comments recently about how amazingly skinny she is - even though she is aware of my ED)
For the past few months she has been having a hard time which I have helped her through, but she is one of these people that no matter how much you help and make sugestions, there is always a reason why she can't help herself feel better.
Anyway - her email today was again about the same sort of problems, but she was also saying how she is not eating properly and how skinny she is etc. I think she likes people worrying over her - but she doens't have any sort of ED
I sort of sent her an email back giving her a bit of a shake up - I basically said that I had been dealing with an ED for the past few years, and punishing yourself through food - it is not the answer to any problems.

I don't want to appear unsympathetic - I will always be there for her, and have always been, but sometimes people don't understand the implication of their words. She has been very odd about my ED (like when I wrote earlier that she said i'd put on weight which sent my into a total spin) and I think that her going on about how thin she is, is part of her trying to make herself feel good - almost by making me feel bad. It is very odd.

Anyway - I feel good about saying that to her - I know it is hard for others to understand all the difficulties of having an ED, but some of the things she says are almost designed at making me feel crappy about myself.
That is her problem and I am so determined not to let her make me feel bad - I can do that on my own

So - what a long boring post, but I am off to keep fit now - wading through the snow.

Posted 7 months ago #
mandy
Member

hey El, my first time reading your journal, and your most recent post is far from boring! i completely understand what you mean and no, you're definitely not being unsympathetic at all. i feel that she is simply inconsiderate with her remarks - she may or may not be aware?? i don't know. easier said than done, but just ignore her comments and work hard for YOURSELF. your food today looks healthy and awesome!

xoxo, mandy

Posted 7 months ago #
tellmewhy2009
Member

hi El, congratulations on keeping strong. i understand it must be hard for you to get comments like that from your friend. sometimes people say things to make themselves feel better, but they don't realize how much they're hurting you. i told one very important person about my ED, and she doesn't understand. she thinks i'm always exaggerating because i always eat healthy in front of her. and what's worse is that she keeps talking about how little she eats and doesn't understand how people can consume large amounts of food.

i'm sure your friend doesn't want to make you feel bad, but she might not understnad the extent of the problem. i'm glad that you're not letting it bother you.

keep it up

Posted 7 months ago #
El
Member

Ok,
SO the rest of the day was ok-ish.
I went to keep fit which was great - so tiring and I always feel good after

D - 2 tuna fiskcakes (homemade) and stirfry and a small weight watchers chocolate brownie pudding

S - I had a large piece of date flapjack.

I would never ever normally have a cake before going to bed - but I was in the kitchen and had a real sweet urge. I knew we had some chocolates in the house but I wasn't sure I coluld deal with wating them - and not continue. The flapjack has been a real binge food for me - I have eaten it (in the past) until I am literally sick, and although I had a very big bit - It sort of stopped there.
I feel very full now, but I guess I am pleased that I didn't go on to eat cereal and chocolate as in the past.

Mandy - Thank you so much, and you are right - I think that this is her way of making herself feel better, by making me feel worse. In the past I have really let it get me down, but I can't allow this to get to me - Before I would have gone straight back to dieting and restricting myself, but I know that this won't stop the binges.

tellmewhy2009 - Thanks so much - it is so true - I just don't think that some people )maybe even most people) can ever understand how complicated BED is. When I think about it, I know that she would never ever want to hurt me on purpose, and maybe part of it is that I am so sensitive to any mention of weight loss.

The funny thing is that I actually get jealous of anyone who drops weight - it sends me into a panic and I think that I should also be dropping the pounds. I know in the back of my head is the desire to lose weight and for it to be something people notice.

However - I am also keeping hold of the fact that I need to take baby steps - I always try to run before I can walk.

Posted 7 months ago #
El
Member

So today is day 11 (I think - although I have confused myself a bit)
I woke up really really early and went to the gym - I love getting the gym done, and then I can get on with my day, but on the other hand it does mean that I am quite hungry all day.
I went into work which is good - since becoming a student I haven't had much time to work, so it was quite a nice change.
I work in a bar which is good as it gives me confidence - although you are always on display (as such)

It was busy so I actually ate my lunch over about 2 hours, but it meant I wasn't hungray at all - in the past I have always come home and had a binge - and I did eat a lot when I came back - but not so much a binge.
I am very very full though

B - wholemeal bread and banana
fat free activia yog

S - melon and grapes
apple rice cakes

L - wholemeal rice and roasted veg

S - natural popcorn - a large portion

Later snack - large bowl of cereal (wholemeal)

I have just had a little panic that it is all carbs - and all I eat all the time is carbs - I find they do fill me up as I work out quite a bit - but maybe I should cut them down a bit - I don't really know how to balance it out. I don't think I can ever lose weight if I am eating carbs all the time.

Posted 7 months ago #
tellmewhy2009
Member

hey El! yay for day 11! way to go!!!! wow i admire you for going to the gym early in the morning. i never do that!

i found that eating too much carbs makes me hungry and binge most of the times. i think it's a great idea to incorporate more protein and veggies. personally, protein give me a better feeling of satisfaction after a meal.

i hope all is well keep it up.

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey El..great job on 11 days!! I like getting to the gym early and getting it over with too! Glad you had a nice time at work! Its probably a good idea to try and eat balanced meals but don't get too obsessive about it...eat what you are wanting. There are some days I probably eat 90% carbs because that is what I wanted and I am still losing weight so don't stress about that part. Hope you have a nice night! ~Lauren

Posted 7 months ago #
cookiemonster
Member

Hey ! Day 11 is great !! Exercising in the morning is great because it feels you allready accomplished something early in the day and I find it sets a positive tone about yourself for the rest of the day. Dont stress to much about carbs because you do need them especially if you are active and it seems you are choosing the right kind of carbs. Of course protein is important and you could always try to incorporate more of it but dont put any pressure on yourself right now. I know for me it helps when I eat more protein because what I always binge on is processed carbs, I am very sensitive to sugar that is also why when I have a desert it is better I have it after a real meal or else it will send my blood sugar in a rollercoaster and make me crave tonnnnnsssss of it ! Keep up your progress I am happy for you !

Posted 7 months ago #

RSS feed for this topic

12…6 Next »

Reply »

You must log in to post.