David's Changes

[DavidIParticipant]

Hi everyone,

My name is David and I’ve had problems with eating for as long as I can remember. I realized that I had an eating disorder, BED, last year and have been trying to work on things since then.

I’ve been reading this forum off and on for the past year to give myself strength whenever I’m feeling low. Though I don’t binge as much or as intensely as I used to, I have kept being tempted to purge. I’ve never purged before and based on my difficulties ‘fixing’ my BED, I figured it was best to never try it. I hope that this journal will help me with my binge-eating as well as not purging.

This was my first year in college and, food wise, it was fairly tough, especially the two finals periods. I’ve put on around 8 pounds from start to end of freshman year. Normally I would be able to lose it in a healthy manner (I’m very physically active) but I haven’t been able to get back into my normal groove. I used to consistently sleep 8ish hours but I’ve had a hard time getting enough sleep and being tired sets me up for binging Big time. Another sub-optimal food situation is visiting my best-friends house. His house is filled with unhealthy foods I love, specifically chocolate covered almonds, and I’ll eat half a containers worth if I let myself go.

Tomorrow I plan on going out and buying my favorite organic butter which has been my best friend in eating healthily. I’ve also had my mom hide the craisins so I won’t mindlessly munch them. This probably isn’t the best solution but I want to have minimal temptations around while I’m getting back into the swing of things. The next thing I’m planning on doing is going to bed as close to midnight as possible and examine my binging behavior. I think by knowing my usual thought process before and during a binge I’ll be able to conquer my urges easier. The last goal for now is to post at least a few times a week here.

Till next time!

DavidI

[DavidIParticipant]

I’m back! That, in and of itself, is an accomplishment!

Today went fairly well, especially considering how much time I spent at my best friend’s house. I woke up and ate 2 crackers with peanut butter with a protein shake. I love this breakfast so much because I feel full without having to eat a lot of food, thank you peanut butter What’s funny is last night I was so excited about finally having peanut butter in the house that I couldn’t sleep for a while. Such a David thing. After breakfast I went into DC and played for a while. By the time I was done my feet hurt and I felt exhausted. I ate a cliff bar and drank some water and those helped me feel less tired.

At my best friend’s I ate several crackers with smoked salmon and shredded coconut. It sounds weird but is very tasty. I stopped eating once I was full and told my friend to not me eat anymore. I haven’t told him about my eating disorder but enlisting his help, or whoever is around, makes it easier to not keep going.

I met my girlfriend and her friend on the other side of DC and headed back to my best friend’s house again. This time I ate more food but I enjoyed it so I don’t feel too bad about it. I’m still amazed that I didn’t eat and eat and eat like I usually do. A few hours later I had more food and then went to the gym.

After the gym I came straight home (its easy to drop by his house and eat more food) and ate an apple with a little bit of peanut butter on it.

All in all, I’m happy with how today was food wise. I was in an environment where I usually binge and I managed to abstain. I also didn’t feel out of control while eating… maybe writing about it and knowing I’d be able to talk it out later (aka now) made it easier to resist. Hopefully tomorrow is good too!

[LydiaParticipant]

Hi David

Yay! Doesn’t it feel great to have progress?

Hold onto that feeling and keep going. I am

only new to the forum as well (2 days) and

it’s weird but your right being able to easily

share your thoughts and actions really does

help. I feel the same about food and it doesn’t

help when people keep offering it to you. But

doesn’t it feel amazing when you actually stop

when your supposed to and your stomach

feel so extremely full! You actually can enjoy

the food and feel satisfied.

I’m proud of you. I hope tomorrow is just as

good.

Regards,

Lydia

[DavidIParticipant]

Hi Lydia,

It does feel nice to make progress, it reminds me that there is hope and that I can eat the way I’m supposed to. I hope the community and journaling will help you get better It really doesn’t but what frustrates me is when my brothers tell me to “just get some will power.” Not really a helpful piece of advice. Granted, I haven’t told them that I have an eating disorder so how should they know that it isn’t just more will power I need.

Now that I’m back home from my short trip (1.5 days) it should be easier to eat well. My trip started off okay, I drank the protein milk thing, a cup of milk and ate the 2 crackers with peanut butter on them. I ate a cliff bar on the drive up but made the mistake of eating some pita chips with hummus and/or peanut butter on them. This mindless eating continued for the rest of the day. At dinner I kept eating out of boredom rather than because I was hungry. I wasn’t explodingly full but I definitely should have stopped eating earlier.

This morning I ate a cliff bar with peanut butter on top which is a really tasty combination but it didn’t fill me like the 2 crackers with peanut butter do. I wonder what’s up with that… Later on in the day I skipped McDonald’s but did drink some of the sweet tea that my girlfriend bought. For some reason, I was really tempted to buy some food but resisted

Now that I’m home I just finished eating a boca burger patty. I wanted meat but I’ll settle for this. I wasn’t really hungry but I wanted something that wasn’t a cliff bar and I was a frustrated with myself for arguing with my girlfriend. I seem to be keen to do stupid stuff and never recover my bearings from it and spiral into silent sadness. I don’t really know how to improve that.

[tobebingefreeModerator]

it might be the sugar in the clif bar that makes it feel like you are not full after eating it? i always feel a bit weird after eating food bars (clif/trek bars, protein bars etc) – i don’t know if that’s because they have sugar in them or because they are calorie dense? real food doesn’t have that effect. sounds like you are making good progress! it’s ok to feel a bit shit after an argument – it’s nothing to do with what you are eating xxx

[LydiaParticipant]

Hey David,

I don’t know the time difference but how has

today been or I hope you have a really

positive day!

I so know what you mean about siblings!

My sister who is older is one of those

people who eats what they want and doesn’t

put on weight and yet she still thinks she’s

fat. So I had to deal with that well still

dealing with it really. No one knows I have

a problem either so it’s nice to finally

openly talk about it.

Try to not let it get you down when you argue

with your girlfriend, try to distract yourself

so you don’t turn to food. It sounds like

you have been having positive progress

good on you keep going. I, myself am into

Say four of consciouky not binging and I

gave made it. Although j could have eaten

a little less! Anyway I’m happy it’s progress.

Bye for now,

Lydia

[DavidIParticipant]

Hi Lydia,

I usually post just before going to sleep around midnight on the East Coast of the US. That sounds like it could be disheartening but having an open forum probably makes it easier, right?

I think not letting myself get so down would be good or bouncing back faster than I currently do. Allowing myself to feel off-kilter for 24 hours isn’t fair to me or those around me. Next time I will try to distract myself from eating and spend some time regaining my emotional balance so that should do me some good.

It’s great to hear that you’ve been 4 days binge free

I’ve been much more conscious about when I’m eating poorly. Today I could have done better, I munched throughout the day though I didn’t have any of the usual emotions that come with binging. I’m happy that I enjoy the raisins and coconut flakes in the house but a smaller dose of them would be better. I might try to measure out a serving of coconut flakes and put them in a baggie for tomorrow so I’m aware of how much I do eat.

Aside from that I need to go buy more peanut butter. There is none in my house and it’s definitely a staple in my diet when I’m doing well.

Tomorrow I will be back and I will bear news of a good eating day, the first of many

DavidI

I also just realized, the reason why I ate more heavily than usual was because I couldn’t sleep well because of my back! Everything makes sense now! With more ice, advil and rest my back should be healthy again!

[LydiaParticipant]

Hey David ,

What did you do to your back?

I hope it gets better soon.

Hey you may have done better but at least

you are conscious of it and trying to make

better choices. I had a good day but I had

too much for dinner. Oh well at least have

not eaten any junk food!.

I hope you have a great day

Regards,

Lydia

[DavidIParticipant]

Hi Lydia,

I hurt it during gymnastics My friend says I may have compressed it and I should try hanging upside down from a bar. Sounds like it makes sense to me so I’ll give it a shot! Thanks for the regards, my day turned out pretty well and it looks like you’re doing a good job being a more conscious eater as well, good job!

I went to a pupuseria today with my mom and ate breakfast with her. My dish, fajitas, was pretty huge and I ate most of it. I didn’t feel overly full but it was definitely really heavy food so I wasn’t that hungry when I ate a bowl of granola at home several hours later. I also had some coconut flakes and cashews on the way out of the door. At my girlfriend’s house I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and some ice cream. I stopped eating the ice cream when I realized that I wasn’t enjoying it. I was extremely tempted to get another PB&J but refrained and drank some water instead. That made me feel full, hooray! I’m happy that I didn’t go off and eat another because I definitely would have been beyond full.

My girlfriend and I did some prep work on the spaghetti and I ate two plates of that. For some reason I just wasn’t feeling full which is why I ate two. I stopped after that because I knew I was going to my best friend’s house and I’d most likely eat food there too. I’m usually not capable of planning my meals like this so in some cases, like dinner, I’ll fill up on the ‘real’ food, have no space for dessert but eat it anyways. Lo and behold, I did eat food at his house but only dried blueberries (none of the chocolate)!

All in all, today was a fabulous food day! Come tomorrow I may not be closer to my preferred weight number-wise but I definitely practiced good habits today! Success! I can’t wait to see what tomorrow will be like

[DavidIParticipant]

I couldn’t bring myself to post yesterday. I’ve been bad about maintaining my routine these days which is disappointing.

Yesterday was a bad day, I ate too much and today wasn’t good either.

Today started off well, I ate my 2 crackers with peanut butter and drank a tall glass of milk (and felt sated as usual! I swear it’s magic!). Lunch wasn’t as good, I ate some of the left over steak and a solid amount of macaroni and cheese. It tasted good and I don’t remember feeling overly full but I wish I didn’t need as much food to be full.

While getting ready for a small get together I munched on food which was fine, I was a little hungry and the gap between lunch (around 1 or 2) and dinner (7) was too large.

Then the get together started and I went off course. I ate several hand fulls of tortilla chips with Guac. After a cup of water I was fine but we ate dinner immediately after. I love my mom’s fajitas and I ate a sizeable burrito in under 2 minutes. I was definitely full and after a little jog around the block (just for fun with my friends) I ate 5 smores and 2 small plates worth of strawberry short cake with whipped cream. Definitely a binge. Oddly enough, all I wanted to do at this point was drink water and do anything to get rid of the over full feeling. These are the times when purging is extremely attractive…

Obviously today was disappointing but I will make strides to be better tomorrow. I’m looking forward to running since it doesn’t hurt my back (yay!) and trying to create a routine for my eating (2 crackers+PB and milk for breakfast and a PB&J sandwich with the protein shake). I’ll also try to plop down and type this post around 8 PM so I won’t stay up till 2 in the morning typing and reading.

Best!

David

[LydiaParticipant]

Oh David I’m sorry you had a set back,

don’t let it get you down too much. It’s

hard when the food is so good. But you

mentioned that you didn’t feel overly full

during the day only at dinner? That’s half

good isn’t it?

I have been going ten days now and I also

had a set back yesterday and today I was

at a friends house last night and they have

all the treats and what really sucks it’s all

the stuff I can’t have ( I can’t have wheat

or dairy) so now I feel bloated and when I

feel bloated I eat more so o didn’t full on

binge but eaten way too much.

Tommorrow is another day and at least I

still have a positive attitude and I’m gonna

improve and get better we both can!

On that note bye for now.

Lydia

[DavidIParticipant]

Set backs and good days (like today) are a natural part of the recovery process. Hopefully we’ll keep having a healthy portion of the good days! Congrats on your 10 days and don’t let your 2 bad days get you too down. Soon you’ll have another 10 days under your belt and then 10 more!

Yesterday and today have been fairly good, all things considered. Yesterday was prom and while I was there I didn’t eat a ton of food. Due to the presence of buffet style food I’m impressed! I got a plate of food, ate what I liked and left what I didn’t. They had tasty chocolate covered pineapple slices and I ate a 3 of those. I’m happy it went well food-wise and that gave me more space to enjoy the actual event

What wasn’t so good about prom night is I got 4 hours of sleep which, I’m convinced, contributed to me banging my knee today. Tough luck! Hopefully I’ve learned my lessons- wear knee pads and avoid training while tired. Oddly enough it didn’t make me a voracious eater.

I ate mexican-style chicken and black beans for breakfast. For lunch, a cracker with peanut butter. For dinner, salmon cooked with brown sugar on top (yum!) and beans and the combination was even yummier! After each meal I had a graham cracker square with shredded coconut and 3 hershey’s chocolate squares on top. All in all I ate 3/4′s of the hershey’s bar which totals out to 160 calories and that’s a victory in my book! It’s better to eat a weird smore rather than another plate of food, in my opinion, because it leaves me feeling full and my sweet tooth sated!

[DavidIParticipant]

I was at a picnic most of the day and ended up munching a good amount. If there had been Real Food, as I had expected, then it would have been easier to not munch. Even so, I chowed on watermelon, trail mix and apples&peanutbutter. Worse things could have happened. When I got home from that and swimming I ate 2 plates of dinner. In my defense, I actually enjoyed each bite and I wasn’t in binge mode. I almost kept eating but I stopped because I was going to a restaurant for milk shakes with friends. I shouldn’t have gotten anything but I ended up drinking a shake. It also tasted good and I stopped before feeling horrible.

Over all I feel fine about today. It probably didn’t help me lose weight but I was never emotionally effected by my eating which is more important- once I build good eating habits the weight will come off

[aliceautumnParticipant]

Hi, David. It sounds like you had a non-binge day! That is good considering that it is hard not to binge when you have already over eaten, or had something you don’t feel was supportive to your weight loss.

I believe you are right to think that practicing stability will support your ultimate goals. I myself, did also not binge tonight. The opportunity was there and I was very tempted to be sneaky after dinner, but I resisted. Doesn’t mean I didn’t eat dessert or have a big dinner with the family, it just means I didn’t hide out and stuff my face completely. A different sort of success.

My goals are going to be a little more challenging when I return home in a couple days. But I figure I should at least try not to binge while I am already eating “anti-weight loss” meals on this trip. This trip isn’t an excusefor me to binge. Neither should any unplanned even be an excuse to make poor choices.

If you don’t feel 100% great about what you ate today, let’s say the milkshake, can you in hindsight see something you could have done to avoid eating it? Sometimes allowing yourself to participate in treats eases the urge to binge because you aren’t depriving yourself. Or maybe you don’t always need something extra when you aren’t hungry?

The choice to choose for yourself when you are eating in your best interest or not is very self impowering. Keep up your good spirits, you’re doing well!

-Alice

[DavidIParticipant]

It can be tough. Lately, like today, I find myself eating food due to boredom pretty often. I don’t know whether that counts as binging or not. Whether it was a disordered-eating-badeating-day or a what-normal-people-do-bad-eating-day is unimportant because it was a bad eating day either way.

I should have eaten peanut butter for breakfast but sometimes I find it down right repulsive. This was the case for today which is why I went with the delicious chicken from last night. A few hours later I ate some more of the same and then a half an avocado with craisins, peanuts and a little bit of italian dressing on top. I munched until our big memorial day lunch. We had crabs and I ate till I was fill but kept going afterwards. First I drank a huge amount of water so I could feel full (doesn’t seem like a bad strategy) but I kept on munching. In hind sight I should have left the house at this point.

Later I hung out with my girlfriend and ate a few packets worth of gobstoppers and then a few hand fulls of cashews. At my best friends house I ate some chocolate covered raisins (not as good as chocolate covered almonds) but eventually pulled myself away.

My summary would read- disappointing, and a slower (but still uncontrolled) binge throughout the day.

This is usually how my binges show themselves- not dramatic but harmful nonetheless. I’m going into tomorrow with a game plan so it should be better!

[Author]

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