Binge Eating Forum

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Binge Eating Forum » Binge Eating Support - General Comments, Questions, and Posts

1. 

   cookiemonster
   Member

   So its been 3 days I havent binged and I just wanted to write down what I observed in those 3 days. I decided I was going to allow myself to eat whatever I want.

   So on the first day I was being lazy all day at my boyfriends house, eating and watching movies. I had a big sushi craving so thats what I had. Then my bf was eating ice cream and usually I would just partake without thinking. I had one portion though before realising I didnt truly want it and it didnt taste that good so I stopped and made a mental note of that. In the evening we ordered a club sandwich with fries and a salad to share. After eating a few fries I noticed they were cold so I stopped eating them since they were not even worth it. Mini victory ! Finally, we were in the mood for sweets again so I had 2 mini brownies out of the 4 pack one ( my bf didnt take none ) and a piece of chocolate out of a huge tablet. This is a big deal because usually I wouldve ate the chocolate till I finished the tablet and felt sick and I wouldve finished the brownies too. Those things stayed in the fridge and I knew they were there and did not go back for more !! I overdid it with sweets but I am proud I did not binge on them.

   On the second day I started with a healthy breakfast and a really light lunch because that is what I was in the mood for ( I love eating healthy so it wasnt an attempt at restricting) In the afternoon I realised I was feeling faint from probably not eating enough so I had a mini meal instead of a snack. It satisfied me but as I went to bring back my plate in the kitchen I felt the binge urge. At this point I was making chocolate milk and putting bread in the toaster when I realised I was very full from what I just ate and it wouldnt even taste that good. So....I drank the chocolate milk and threw away the 2 slices of bread! mini victory! I exercised and had a healthy dinner. About 45 min after dinner I kept thinking about Subway cookies ( hence the username lol i LOVE cookies). There is a Subway right down my house so I went and got 2 cookies. When I got upstairs I realised the guy made a mistake on one of the flavors. I still ate them thoughtfully and enjoyed them and felt satisfied. I didnt use the other flavor as an excuse to go back and get more in order to get that taste too. Other mini victory !

   On the third day, I had a healthy breakfast, healthy snack, I was craving a burger for lunch so I had just one on whole wheat bread with no cheese or mayo. I fought the urge to eat chocolate after lunch and just kept myself busy till I exercised and had fruit and yogurt after as a snack. In the evening, we went out for thai food and I ate just half of my dish. I made a mental note to eat slower next time because I was a bit too full and I honestly think I couldve been satisfied with less. No sweets on that day which is a big victory since I have a HUGE sweet tooth.

   So my thoughts on the last 3 days is that I overate but overeating is better than bingeing. I am re learning how to eat. I allready wanted sweets less on the third day after allowing myself to have some on the days before. And I am happy to say I wanted to test myself with those desserts because they are my typical binge foods and I did not binge on them. I did feel a twinge of guilt but I quickly replaced those thoughts by reminding myself that I am working towards being an intuitive eater.

   So I will keep rambling on here and observing my eating patterns WITHOUT GUILT OR JUDGEMENT. I know the only way to solve my weight/body image issues is to tackle them from the inside not go on a diet. That is the path to a long lasting change.

   Posted 2 months ago #
2. 

   Lauren
   Member

   Cookie monster..you are doing GREAT! Really. You are completely listening to your body and having what you want to eat, letting yourself have sweets, and not feeling guilty about it. You are right, this is about re-learning how to eat normally so a bit of over eating is ok and normal while you are figuring out you hunger/satiety signals and the big thing is that you aren't bingeing! I have a major sweet tooth too and cookies are the love of my life I used to have ZERO control with cookies but now whenever I am near a Whole Foods I get one, enjoy it, and know I can have one again whenever I want it..and that takes away the need to binge on it. Once your body realizes you aren't going to start depriving it again of sweets, the cravings will most likely go down. I think I told you this, but I have 2-3 squares of dark chocolate everyday...it really helps satisfy my sweet tooth each day and then when I'm wanting more like a cookie or piece of cake, I eat some moderately but it only ends up being once or twice a week. Really you are doing so wonderful. Keep it up and stay strong! Lauren

   Posted 2 months ago #
3. 

   cookiemonster
   Member

   Thanks for your reply Lauren you are too sweet ! It is so reassuring to know that its normal that I am overeating for now and that it will eventually balance out. I love dark choc too actually I find its hard to binge on it because its so rich and satisfying it really satisfies... Anyway I went through your journal a bit and it is so inspiring to see how far you've come it gives me hope and I am positive that this website is going to help me really make a change for good !

   Posted 2 months ago #
4. 

   jacquirsw1
   Member

   Hey you are doing really well, and those little victories that you have been saying are actually big victories. One of the hardest things to do at times is to stop eating when you have started but you have been doing that really well and have managed to realise when you have been eating for reasons other than hunger and actually do something about it which is brill.

   well done and I hope it continues

   Posted 2 months ago #
5. 

   Lauren
   Member

   Hey cookiemonster..aw thanks. That makes me happy to inspire anyone on here and yes you definitely can make a change for the good on here. I have no doubt of that. Yeah dark chocolate is the best because you can have a very small amount of it and savor it and it really does help cure that sweet tooth! Have a great night! ~L

   Posted 2 months ago #
6. 

   cookiemonster
   Member

   So yesterday was day 4. I really feel a change I know its fast to say that but its like I dont want to stuff myself I just feel bingeing is NOT an option anymore.

   I started the day with cereal. Cereal is one of my binge foods and I could litterally eat it until the box is gone. I had one bowl. Then I wanted some more so instead of going and adding just a little bit, and then returning to put just a little bit because there is still some milk left but then pour too much cereal so add more milk and continue like that lol, I just consciously decided that I could have a second decent bowl if I wanted to, I served it, ate it and moved on.

   I wasnt hungry for 4 hours after that clearly because the cereal is calorie dense but I tried not to think about the calories and when my stomach went growling I ate a normal lunch. I was craving oat bran, so thats what I had. I love oatmeal and oat bran with protein powder, banana and peanut butter all melty on it by the way its delicious and really filling. Sometimes I make other combinations with ground flax and berries too.

   So a couple hours after lunch I was craving something sweet but had no desire for intense junkie sweets like I usually do. I had a little piece of 70 % dark choc. Then I had a strawberry yogourt and I added a tbsp of dark choc chips in it i love doing that its delicious and it reminds me of the yogourts that came with the little top with crunchy chocolate/granola you mix in that I used to eat in my childhood.

   So I was being lazy all day because I have no school and just quit my job at the gym ( looking for something new at another gym because I didnt really like pushing restrictive diets and being around people that diet alot and didnt feel happy there anymore )

   I still decided I felt like working out so I went and did really light cardio because I was still sore. I felt great but after my workout I wanted a Clif bar ( warmed up in the micro with a bit of peanut butter smidged on it...mmmm tastes like a cookie) my stomach was growling. So I decide to eat half and come back for more if I really wanted it. I was not satisfied with half so I ate the whole thing. Again calorie dense bar but who cares I was still hungry.

   I stayed lazy watching movies and had a healthy dinner. No desire for desert no desire for junky food its great I had exactly what I craved which was a ww wrap with amys california veggie burger all crumbled up and tomato and mashed up avocado. I put the wrap on the pan to make it like a panini and it makes it 1000000 X better that way.

   3 hours later my stomach was growling just a little bit so I thought about just sleeping it off but I remembered how I hate doing that because then I think about food while trying to fall asleep. I just wanted hot chocolate so thats what I made with skim milk and it was perfect.

   Overall I am sure I got a bit too much calories in again yesterday because of those big 2 bowls of cereal but I am not beating myself up over it and feel very happy of my choices and listening to my body.

   Something weird happened though, I went through some difficult stuff in my family during the summer and ever since then, even though I think I am fine and I am happy most of the time, I still have random urges when I think about it and feel really depressed. Yesterday its like since I was not busy stuffing myself with food I really felt weird and sad and started crying out of nowhere. But besides that little sadness I feel super positive about this whole thing.

   Once again this turned into a huge post but I guess thats what the journal is for!

   Posted 2 months ago #
7. 

   Lauren
   Member

   Wow I am really impressed with your day. You did exactly what you need to be doing to beat this BED. You are listening to your body, eating what you want, and not letting yourself get obsessed with the calorie count anymore. Major kudos to you girl. Keep it up. and you know you should feel a change because you aren't on a diet now, but making life changes to have a healthy relationship with food. Even if we slip a little one day, learning to listen to our bodies and eat what we want guilt free will be skills that we have learned and can get right back into immediately..thats the beautiful thing about recovery. Its not a diet that is inevitably going to fail. Little slips don't ever, ever erase all the huge steps forward. But you are doing great and about feeling depressed a bit and crying..that is actually good. The thing is most of us with BED can't handle our emotions so we eat to stuff them down, numb them, distract ourselves etc..so learning to just feel those bad emotions and riding them out until they get better without eating is exactly what you need to do! Hope you are feeling better today...you are really doing great though! Proud of you! ~L

   Posted 2 months ago #
8. 

   cookiemonster
   Member

   Thanks so much for your constant encouragement Lauren ! It feels great...I wanted to share a quote that I have seen before online and maybe some of you have too but it describes perfectly where I want to get in regards to my relationship with food.

   Normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it—not just stop eating because you think you should. Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. Normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. And it can be undereating at times and wishing you had more. Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.

   In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.

   Ellyn Satter

   Posted 2 months ago #
9. 

   Lauren
   Member

   Wow that is the PERFECT quote. Literally that is EXACTLY what we should all be striving for. Thanks for sharing

   Posted 2 months ago #
10. 

    cookiemonster
    Member

    So I ve been on the website alot and I feel a bit obssessed but I ve been pretty much staying home these days and its better than eating...

    Today is my 5th day binge free. I have nothing to report about food because for once I didnt think much about what/when how to eat. The occasional thoughts and calorie tallying which I quickly tried to ignore. But I had alot of anxiety and negative thoughts.

    First of all I feel like I am just demotivated to do anything I just want to stay home and I take naps. I start school on Monday at least.

    I made an effort by taking a shower and going to the mall since I had nothing better to do just walk around but when I was there I didnt really want to be there anymore. And when I get dressed I am scared to try on my jeans because I know they are going to feel tight. So I end up always wearing jogging pants. My boyfriend says he is going to burn them lol. But by constantly being in jogging pants I am in that jogging pants mood. Which is feeling fat and lazy. I live downtown on top of it where all the girls go out with perfect clothes/makeup since they are downtown. And I just see pretty and thin girls and just want to crawl back home. So I felt pretty crappy.

    Then I found out I have an interview at a new gym tomorrow. So I felt alot of anxiety because I dont feel comfortable with myself right now and I always feel that I should be looking super fit to have that trainer image and that maybe they will be disappointed or something ( my friend referred me ). I know I am in shape and its about my knowledge and capacity but I still know they are going to judge my appearance of course.

    On top of it more anxiety because I was looking for stuff to wear for the interview and of course trying on clothes got me nervous and feeling fat again.

    So then after it was my first hip hop dance class, which I signed up for before the holidays in an effort to have more activies and try new things. I went to the class feeling bad but I am so glad I went because I had ALOT of fun seriously, I am usually shy when it comes to dancing but I surprised myself and just let go and had fun.

    The only thing that got me really mad is that in the mirrors in the class I thought I looked so big. I dont know if its my mind playing tricks on me because I mean when I see myself in pictures I dont think I look fat I used to be really thin and now I would call myself curvier ( my weight goes in my hips and butt which I HATE)So that was depressing to look at myself the whole class when the teacher was TINY. You have some good mirrors and then you have some really bad ones. Then you wonder which one is closer to reality and panick lol.

    I am like shit why cant I just be naturally tiny I just feel bigger next to some girls and really hate it.

    Anyways despite that I had fun which is the only positive thing of the day and of course having the interview and not having binged is great also but now I need to find an outfit....AHHHHH

    Posted 2 months ago #
11. 

    skinnybinger
    Member

    Aren't bad mirrors just the worst? I hate myself for months after an experience with a bad mirror, but hopefully you won't do that. I also really hate those naturally teeny girls, and what's worse is that they always wish to be a little bigger. Sigh. What is it about women always wanting the opposite of what they've got...

    Posted 2 months ago #
12. 

    loveapple
    Member

    Hey cookie monster,

    just read though all your posts and it sounds like you're doing really well with everytihng - especially intuitive eating. I love your 'normal eating is...' paragraph! Am almost tempted to print it out and keep in my handbag to remind myself from time to time! It's such a balanced and reasonable and realistic attitude - no wonder you're doing os well!

    Good luck with the interview!

    Posted 2 months ago #
13. 

    cookiemonster
    Member

    Skinnybinger-I knowww bad mirrors are the worst and now I am going to have my dance class there every week...sigh...we're never happy with what we got I've had girls say they woulde love to have my bubblebutt and guys usually love it too but honestly...I wish I had one of those tiny cute bums lol

    Lauren-no problem hehe I think its great to have a definition since as binge eaters we kinda forgot what normal eating is...

    Loveapple- thanks for reading and kind words ! I definitely feel way better with the ituitive eating except I just feel like for now I eat ALOT. But I keep telling myself in the long run its better than bingeing.

    Posted 2 months ago #
14. 

    cookiemonster
    Member

    So I just woke up and didnt get too much sleep... because I discovered the show Glee last night. I downloaded all the episodes and honestly I thought it wasnt my type of show when I saw the commercials but I find it great, funny, original and its good to have something to keep me entertained at home so I dont think about food or negative stuff !!

    What also made me smile is that I started my day with chocolate. I made oatmeal with banana and strawberries and added a tablespoon of dark choc chips just because and it got all melty and delicious...didnt trigger a binge since I no longer want to characterise foods as bad/good. Besides the dark stuff has antioxidants right?

    So I am going to get ready for my interview and I told myself I will just be myself and fake my usual confidence even though I am not feeling so hot these days.

    Its stupid I know this whole process is going to take time but I just want this extra weight OFF. I just have to remind myself not to think of it because it hasnt even been a week yet and that it might be a super super slow progress but thats not whats important right now. I just try not to look in the mirror too much. The problem is when I feel like that I dont want to do my hair/makeup or dress in cute clothes so it makes it even worst. I am going to make an effort this weekend and go on a date with my bf or something.

    I also feel like I've been eating alot and I constantly have to remind myself that with time my body will adjust and I'll get back to normal quantities. What is good though is that I have been craving only healthy foods.

    Its crazy how I used to think that with the type of training I do and all the muscle I have that IF ONLY I could eat super perfect and clean I would have an amazing body. And with all my mental planning of the "perfect" eating plan I was setting myself up for binges and ended up doing more harm than good. Its better to eat like a normal person and allow myself some treats and actually maintain a nice shape than try to eat like a bodybuilder/fitness competitor , not enjoy my food and ending up abusing my body with the binges. It was just so hard around my colleagues that are preparing for the competition so I am glad I left that job.

    What I also noticed is that each time I thought about a time limit I binged alot more. Like before a vacation I would stress , think about restrict and end up having bad binges. Or before christmas and new years. I was doing good right before that time and then I thought to myself I want to look good on pictures so I thought about restricting for the small amount I had left and the holidays turned into a major bingefest of days and days and that is how I came across this website.

    And finally, I also tend to use food when I feel bored, sad, anxious, sometimes happy but usually when I am happy I tend to eat less because I dont think about it.

    So its a vicious cycle huh? We eat less when we are happy and busy except the binges make us sad, isolated and make us stay home and do nothing.

    Anyway these are my thoughts for this morning. I feel I have been writing a ton here but its kinda just to sort my thoughts and I think its helping me...

    Posted 2 months ago #
15. 

    break the cycle
    Member

    Listen to you own advice. It takes time for the weight to come off. Patience is a virtue and good things come to those who wait. If you lost a bunch of weight right away, its unhealthy and unrealistic. Slow weight lose is permanent weight loss because u didn't do all kinds of crazy stuff to get it off. You are doing wonderful huni, keep it up.

    Good luck on your interview today, I have one too. Yikes! A lil nervous

    Posted 2 months ago #
16. 

    Lauren
    Member

    Hey girl...ok so I totally understand the majority of what you are feeling right now! At my heaviest I NEVER got dressed outside of sweat pants and tshirts. I had no clothes that fit, and I HATED going to mall because it made me feel even more depressed and fat. At the beginning of this I was right where you are, wanting to lose weight and not wanting to go out and do anything. Also, I did a dance class (Zumba) and I felt so fat and huge when I looked in the mirrors. BUT what i did that helped me was first I went out and bought a few things that looked cute on me. I forced myself to start wearing normal clothes out so I wouldn't look like a slob and then feel like a slob. Also, I kept doing the Zumba class and didn't let myself think those 'I'm fat next to everyone else' thoughts. It was very hard, I'm not going to lie. But with time, like you said, the weight will come off. You just have to get through that first month of desperately wanting quick weight loss, and mentally it will be easier to be patient. Now when I do Zumba, I feel incredibly sexy and actually like the way I look in the mirror. I am still butt/thigh heavy (and probably always will be as thats the way my body is shaped) but I try not to focus on that, and just tell myself I look pretty good. Your right though this whole thing is a vicious cycle.

    I am glad you let yourself have what you wanted for breakfast and aren't letting yourself label things as good or bad. That is a big step in the right direction! You are doing great..just try not to beat yourself up too much about your weight. And put on some cute clothes..it will make you feel better. Hugs, L

    Posted 2 months ago #
17. 

    cookiemonster
    Member

    Thanks Breakthecycle for your wise words I know you are right and I am going to remember that each time I think about it. What a coincidence about the interview I hope yours went better than mine did!

    Thanks Lauren... its really making me feel better to see that you were in the same position but that you actually feel good now.

    I will try to motivate myself to go out do something and put on some cute clothes. Like leggings with longer tops or something. At least those will be comfortable.

    I just feel sooooo crappy these days I dont know what is wrong with me I have lost all motivation I just want to watch tv and I feel anxious all the time but not like bingeing just very anxious and I cant pinpoint the feeling . I am not even motivated to workout which I love to do usually. I dont know how to get myself out of this depressed state. Its like I try to start my day on a positive note, get ready, as soon as I am outside I just get overwhelmed and just feel like going back home lay in bed all day.

    On top of it my interview didnt go that well. I have mixed feelings about it. Now I am even overwhelmed about this whole job looking process. There is no pressure to pay rent or anything since I still live with my mom and I am also a student. I just like having extra money of course but also the busier I am the better. But now I am even demotivated to do that....

    Posted 2 months ago #
18. 

    amanda918
    Member

    Heyyy I totally know how you feel right now not exactly knowing what to do next. I feel like I'm questioning my career path, my college choice, my relationships, my eating, blah blah blah. All that uncertainty is enough to depress anyone so it's important to just keep fighting and devote time everyday to think about all the positive things going on in your life. Plus it sounds like your attitude towards food has changed dramatically, so be proud of yourself for that. I know you can do this!

    Posted 2 months ago #
19. 

    cookiemonster
    Member

    Thanks Amanda that is exactly how I feel ! Some life changing things happened to my family during this summer so it only accentuates that uncertainty. Summer 2009 was definitely the worst of my life...hope 2010 can only be better.

    And you are right I am happy about my change of attitude towards food. Maybe now that I am not using it to numb myself I feel all my feelings and its uncomfortable...

    Posted 2 months ago #
20. 

    cookiemonster
    Member

    So yesterday I probably overate again in terms of calories since I have been pretty inactive these days staying at home but I try not to beat myself up over it since I will be back to my regular exercise routine very soon.

    I did almost binge last night though. I ate some varied salads for dinner and then my mom brought this fresh whole wheat baguette. So I had a little piece with butter and one with cream cheese. Then I went back for another little piece. Then a third one. They were all very small. After I was still craving it so I went and had a LAST piece. The total was probably a 6 inch piece of baguette which is not that bad.

    So after that I was sitting in bed watching a bunch of episodes of Glee feeling anxious when I thought of going outside in the freezing cold to get chocolate. Or to go in the kitchen and get more bread. But then I realised it was out of anxiousness and I was actually pretty full. I mean I dont mind eating a good desert if I still have room and I really want it and I enjoy every bite. But last night felt like it was going to be a binge. Also I looked at my calendar where I put a check each day I have been binge free and I thought about the forum and it kept my accountable.

    It feels great to have a place to write whenever something is on my mind and then I could always look back and analyze too. And the support is amazing ! Its crazy how we are all strangers yet we understand each other so much...

    Posted 2 months ago #
21. 

    Louise
    Member

    Hi Cookiemonster... yep, that is one of the many great things about this forum, you can rant and rave, or just blog your day, your emotions, your food, and someone who understands responds to you... i love it.. I think blogging everyday is part of my control mechanism.. life is busy, but if i have a moment i come on here and it occupies me rather then wandering into the kitchen !!!!!!!... keep it up lovely, you are doing so well ! xxxxxx

    Posted 2 months ago #
22. 

    Lauren
    Member

    Hey there..just catching up on your journal. Glad you are going to try some leggings and sweater when you go out...dressing up does help. I am sorry that you have been feeling so depressed and anxious lately. What I would say is don't stress about the exercise right now, when you are ready, you will get back into it. So just have patience with yourself. If you are in an emotional slump, just let yourself be there, feel it, and you will come out of it. The main thing is not letting yourself eat to numb the feelings. Maybe make a list of relaxing things you can do when you are feeling really anxious. You did fine with the baguette tonight and I think it was smart not to go get a dessert since you were feeling a bit bingey. Stay strong love, ~Lauren

    Posted 2 months ago #
23. 

    cookiemonster
    Member

    Thanks girls ! So last night I went to the movies with my bf we wanted to see avatar but it was actually STILL sold out its been out for like 4 weeks or something...so we ended up watching Sherlock Holmes which I found quite boring. Its not really my type of movie though so take that with a little grain of salt lol.

    So I did good putting on cute clothes thanks to you Lauren! I stuck with leggings and a long sweater since thank god leggings still fit and the sweater was kinda loose so it hid my stomach and hip area where I feel the extra weight. I actually felt really good so I think I am going to declare a jogging pant BAN for now. What a huge difference it makes to make an effort !

    Yesterday was a weird eating day . I didnt have no actual dinner it was just alot of different nibbles and tastes of stuff during the afternoon-evening. It is dangerous territory because you know when you dont have a specific meal time and a proper meal sometimes you feel you screwed up and just start bingeing and say you will start tomorrow.

    It didnt happen so I am happy about that ! Now I think that my first week focused on not bingeing is almost done maybe I could have a little goal for next week which is going to be really listen to my body more and focus on my hunger levels. Also get back on track with my exercise routine. Be flexible with it though because the goal is not perfection. And since I start school, I will be busier everyday. And I allready have a lunch date with a friend at school and another workout date with another friend so its good to ave activities planned. I also have my dance classes I cant wait. So I feel like this next week will be more positive.

    Posted 2 months ago #
24. 

    jacquirsw1
    Member

    Well done. Like you say times when our food routines are not in place are often dangerous so you did really well not to binge later on.
    what dance classes are you doing

    Posted 2 months ago #
25. 

    skinnybinger
    Member

    i congratulate your bravery with the leggings. i would never be able to wear anything like that, even with a long sweater. you seem like you are doing great, i'm happy for you, your confidence is on the rise!

    Posted 2 months ago #
26. 

    Lorena
    Member

    Hey Cookiemonster,

    Avatar is good. The visuals are amazing and when you do get to watch it, try to see the 3D version.

    You're doing great and the way you are thinking is great. Setting yourself small goals keeps you going and gives you something to focus on.

    Keep going forward xx

    Posted 2 months ago #
27. 

    cookiemonster
    Member

    Thanks Jacqui ! I am taking hip hop classes which is totally new for me but loads of fun !!
    Hey skinnybinger, thank you for your nice words... I was actually scared to wear the leggings but it was either that or jogging pants cause jeans are too tight right now. At least I felt comfortable and with the longer top it was pretty forgiving. Maybe you should try them like that I bet you you would be surprised...we tend to have a pretty dismorphic body image with our BED.
    Lorena, I cant wait to see avatar everyone is telling me that it is a great movie not one person yet has told me that they didnt find it that great and yeah I want to see the 3D one. Thanks for your encouragement !

    Posted 2 months ago #
28. 

    Louise
    Member

    we can see you ... beautiful girl xxx

    Posted 2 months ago #
29. 

    cookiemonster
    Member

    haha ohh nooo.... I was so scared of putting up my pic in case someone I know would recognize me but I was like screw it its nice to associate the face to the name...

    Thanks for the compliment Louise you are very pretty too ! The ironic part is that when I see everyones pics here I find we are all beautiful women and its kinda crazy how we all have struggles with body image...

    Posted 2 months ago #
30. 

    amanda918
    Member

    Hey cookiegirll! Glad you're doing well. My goodness your pic is GORGEOUS!!!! And I have the same fear about putting a picture up so kudos to ya for having the guts! Also, I'm not sure if we've had this conversation, but how old are you? Are you in high school or college? Have a lovely day!

    Posted 2 months ago #
31. 

    cookiemonster
    Member

    Aww thanks Amanda you are so sweet ! I am 21(soon to be 22) but look 17 lol

    I just started college after a long hiatus. I am studying French and English litterature ( my main language is actually french I live in Montreal Canada).

    Posted 2 months ago #
32. 

    cookiemonster
    Member

    Ok so I have a confession. Tonight I binged....agrrrrhhhhhhh.... I am not proud of myself. It wasnt my biggest binge ever, I had (gasp) 11 small cookies ( you see I told you I was a cookie monster!)and 2 bowls of honey nut cheerios. But I wasnt hungry, I was just shoving food in my mouth and I felt kinda sick after....sigh....

    The thing is, I dont even know WHY I did this. I woke up feeling super happy that I was a week binge free, and finally my stomach was debloated. I even went to the gym to get some strength training in which I hadnt had the courage to do in a long time. After a great workout, I had a protein bar. Felt awesome. I had lunch. I wasnt even hungry when I binged. It just happened out of nowhere.

    Its like I sabotage myself every time I am doing good. This morning I was so happy thinking I am beating this and its like I jinxed myself.

    But with the tools I am acquiring from the forum I know I am going to start back tomorrow right on track.

    I am just disappointed in myself since I dont even know how this happened. Maybe its cause school starts again tomorrow and I am kinda nervous every time there is a new class/new teacher/new people. Maybe its because I was feeling bored and restless. Cause when I stuff myself then I just dont think about anything because I have all this sugar in my stomach I can finally just lay there and watch tv. I dont know....

    Posted 2 months ago #
33. 

    Lauren
    Member

    Hey cookiemonster...first,I really love the picture..you are beautiful!

    Also, I am so glad that you are banning sweats and felt great in your leggings and sweater! I saw Sherlock Holmes and bored me to death too.

    I am sorry you had a binge today...it sounds more like a mini-binge to me. You know I think since you don't know any emotions that triggered the binge maybe its about still believing cookies are a forbidden food. What if you let yourself a have a cookie (or even 1/2 a cookie) when you are wanting one. I am a COMPLETE cookiemonster and LOVE cookies..and ALWAYS binged on them. Now I keep REALLY delicious whole foods cookies in my freezer and if I am really wanting one, I'll defrost 1/2 a one or get a whole fresh cookie when I'm in Atlanta and enjoy every bite of it and feel no guilt. Taking away that mental ban helped me not feel the need to binge on them. Try not to get too down on yourself. Its a small setback that you can learn from and them move forward. Hugs, L

    Posted 2 months ago #
34. 

    skinnybinger
    Member

    i understand! i had a binge on friday night and felt devastated. but the next day i began over again, and so far i'm doing just fine. i know that sometimes we don't know why we do this to ourselves. it's a shame. but we're all strong enough to push forward and move on, especially with the strength and support of our friends behind us! we're here for ya babe!

    Posted 2 months ago #
35. 

    cookiemonster
    Member

    Thank you so much Lauren I really needed to hear from someone so its great that you happened to post at this moment ! And I find you gorgeous too by the way!

    Skinnybinger I am happy to know that you are doing fine after your binge I felt horrible when I read your post on friday because I knew exactly how you must've felt at that moment. Its crazy how its a constant battle even though some days you feel great and like you are really over that bingeing problem and then it could sneak up on you.

    I was feeling so down but you know what I started reading everyones journals and I feel better allready. So I started thinking about why I binged today now that I am more calm.

    I realised that during the day, after my workout and lunch ( until then everything was normal) I thought to myself : how great you only ate x amount of calories and you are not even hungry. ( allready thinking about calories is a bad sign) Than I started thinking that for once I could maybe have a lower calorie day since I have been doing so good lately with not bingeing that maybe I was ready for it and that I wasnt hungry anyway so that I was probably finally going to be eating less. And you know these were very subtle thoughts I mean almost unconsciously I was thinking that I wasnt making crazy plans in my head or anything.

    I think thats what triggered it. Its crazy I could even have a few random thoughts about calories or thinking of restricting just a tiny little bit and BAM a few hours later I binge. It never fails to happen. That should teach me a lesson that I really shouldnt focus on that. I really messed myself up , I wish I could be that girl that ate so healthy and intuitively and that was at a perfect comfortable and maintainable happy body weight. I want to be like that again.

    Posted 2 months ago #
36. 

    Lauren
    Member

    Aw thanks! Well I am glad you figured out what caused it..that in itself is huge progress. And yes mentally restricting and trying to cut back calories is exactly what triggered the binge. Its hard to stop those thoughts since they happen almost automatically, so you have to stay really aware of your thoughts, and when you start thinking like that, you have to say STOP I'm not going to restrict and give into this Binge Monster. Anyways you will get back to that intuitive eating, happy girl!

    Posted 2 months ago #
37. 

    Louise
    Member

    That is why i didn't put a photo up for ages..scared someone would recognise me, but then I thought, anyone on this website has a ED too... i don't care anymore.. i have made such good progress that I am proud now, not ashamed as i used to be..
    You sound like you have picked yourself up after your mini binge, and are not self loathing, so that is good, very positive response to a binge, so well done
    Why don't you allow yourself a cookie or 2 everyday, and say to yourself.. 'i am going to enjoy a cookie everyday'.. say it until your brain believes it and it will no lpnger be a 'forbidden binge food' ...just a thought xxx

    Posted 2 months ago #
38. 

    loveapple
    Member

    Hey cookie-monster, I just read through a load of your journals and think you're doing awesomely (if that's a word). Lauren was so right about how important it is to accept yourself right now and go and buy some cute clothes that fit who you are right now...then you feel better, and as a result of that you eat better, and before you know it, you can buy some more cute clothes in smaller sizes! I salute your jogging pants ban...just not sure I'll ever be willing to give them up (I love them!)

    I also think it was great that you quit your job just because you recognised that it wasn't helping with your ED. And don't worry if you're feeling a bit de-motivated at the moment. We all go through stages like that and then suddenly feel like doing something. If there's no financial pressure to get a job, just enjoy being free for the moment and don't be in a rush to find something. You'll find something when you need/want to.

    And really well done for looking so analytically and honestly at why you think you ended up bingeing. I think your conclusion sounds totally right...that you were beginning to put tiny restrictions on yourself and then you rebelled against it. I don't think any of us need to get to a point where we concentrate on eating less calories for a day...even if we think we've practised not bingeing enough to be ready for it. We just need to get to a point where we eat what our body needs and wants, a point where we love food and enjoy food and eat it because it gives us energy and joy and, like you said in an earlier post, a point where none of the things we eat are associated with good or bad..they're just either delicious or not so delicious! Once you settle into that kind of natural, intuitive behaviour (and yes it will take practise), your weight and shape will settle into whatever it is meant to be...and that's the point at which you'll be most beautiful.

    At the end of your last post, you say 'I wish I could be that girl that ate so healthy and intuitively'. What's really great about that, is that you don't have to wait to be that person. You can be that person right now. Next time you eat, really concentrate on just enjoying being someone who listens to their body, eats what and about how much it wants and then stops. And the you already will be that girl you want to be.

    Lxx

    Posted 2 months ago #
39. 

    El
    Member

    Hey cookiemonster,
    I just wanted to say I read your blog and so much of what you said I can relate to.
    I completely love cereal but it is also what I binge on the most - I tried cutting it out completely, but then just craved it all the more.
    The quote you put on one of your early posts is just so true - I have written a bit of it out as a reminder of what it is I really want.
    I literally just had a moment (like your mirror incident) although I have issues with photographs - I never know if it is my mind that is distorting the images or if my face really is that big.
    I think you are doing brilliantly

    Posted 2 months ago #
40. 

    cookiemonster
    Member

    So today was my first day back at school and I wasnt feeling that great cause of my binge last night so I was so happy to come here and see all your responses it makes me feel so much better !

    Lauren-thank you, you know, its true that I litterally have to say STOP in my head, sometimes I even have to say positive affirmations out loud ( when I am alone lol) to counteract those thoughts that creep up.

    Louise- I thought the exact same thing that if someone I knew ended up seeing my picture here that would mean that we are in the same boat anyway
    Thanks for your positivity and you are right I am going to tell myself that I can have anything I want. Thats what was working for me in the last few days but I slipped by thinking of restricting. I really have to focus and repeat it to myself.

    Loveapple-Thanks for your kind words you really made me think its true I can be that girl because I was once at that point. I just have to ask myself what would she do ? What would she choose to eat?And I think from what I read that most of us are at a healthy weight so you are right we should not be thinking of restricting !

    El- Thanks for reading and for your encouragement! I know what you mean about cereal, when I buy it I binge on it but when I dont I feel deprived. Its so impossible to eat just one bowl so I have come to accept that and try to eat a large portion of it and telling myself its ok instead of just going back for a little more a little more and eating way more in the end. I get so proud of myself if I keep a whole box of cereal in the house without bingeing on it at all. Sometimes it happens, sometimes not...
    I am convinced our ed messes with our heads in pics and mirrors....For example we have days when we feel we look decent and quite good and then the next day you could have a "fat day". But you truly couldnt have changed shape in a day right? So I think its mostly our state of mind that reflects how we view our image. When I look at old pics I was sooo thin and I remember even in that time sometimes beeing dissatisfied. So its really about fixing the issues that we have deep down inside I think.

    Posted 2 months ago #
41. 

    Lauren
    Member

    Hey CM! Yeah I definitely agree that its our state of mind that influences how we feel about ourselves and our bodies. It is so distorted by negative thinking. I do positive affirmations all the time and I think it really helps a lot. Normally I would always be criticizing every negative aspect of myself thinking look at that roll or that bit of cellulite and now when I start thinking those things I say NO actually look how good your hair looks or how curvy and sexy you look....you almost have to force yourself to start believing these things....especially after years of being our own biggest critic! Hope you have a nice night! ~L

    Posted 2 months ago #
42. 

    break the cycle
    Member

    Positive reinforcement is the key. Write a list of all the qualities you like about u and tape it to the mirror. It'll start your day off right. You're doin great. Keep it up. So u had a binge the other night. It happens. U picked urself up and started new rather than wallowed in your self loathing. That takes a strong woman. Write that on your list

    Posted 2 months ago #
43. 

    amanda918
    Member

    hey cookiemonster, I'm sorry about the binge, but its good that it wasn't huge by any means. I know what you mean about the second you start thinking about restricting its like your subconcious mind starts screaming NO! NO! NO! and immediately binges. Like a survival instinct or something. Well now you know what not to do anyway. And you do look young in your picture! I'm 18 and I thought you'd be the same age, but you'll be happy about it later when you WANT to look young!

    Posted 2 months ago #
44. 

    cookiemonster
    Member

    Lauren and BTC this is a great idea ! I will try to practice positive thinking ... its hard cause you know sometimes the negative thoughts creep up and you dont even realise you are thinking negative things.

    Amanda- Thats what I tell myself when I get carded lol ( legale age is 18 here on top of it)

    So I am now getting to go to school. Yesterday I overate again. After lunch I grabbed 2 of the mini cookies I binged on. I actually craved dark chocolate but didnt have any so I had 2 of those because they have darked choc chips in them. Then I realised...I dont even like those that much !! Maybe thats why I binged on them they dont even satisfy me. And that showed me that its better to eat what you crave.I shoulve waited and got dark chocolate exactly like I wanted. So anyway my lunch was full of fiber so because of those 2 cookies I felt really full but still had no choice to go to class. I hate feeling too full to get dressed and move. So everything was ok after that and I wanted to go to the gym but wasnt really hungry but knew I had to have something before cause I was feeling kinda weak. Since I couldnt pinpoint anything that I wanted I had a small bowl of the honey nut cheerios I binged on ! Just one ! I am happy I had 2 of the foods I binged on the day before and had them in moderation. Usually I am disgusted about foods I binge on the next day thats why I didnt want them that much but I explained the reasons why I ate them in the first place.
    So while exercising I got really hungry and asked myself : what do you WANT to eat? I thought about many different things and settled on something I could make at home. However I was ravenous when I went out of there and thought I will just buy something in the food court. I craved a chicken wrap so thats what I got. Then at the place I saw the chicken wrap I saw this piece of marble cake looking at me. I had a big craving for it but didnt get it. Next thing you know I regret it and I am looking all over the place to find a marble cake. I find one coffeeshop that has one and I am hesitant to buy it cause it looked like those cheap packaged cakes but I was allready in the place and I was like the only customer cause it was late so I bought it. But then I think to my self you know you want a delicious nice home made style marble cake. You are not going to be satisfied with that thing. So the quest continues...I finally find a Second Cup which is like a Starbucks with the most decadent looking marble cake. Purchase it, get home, promise myself I am going to have just a little. So I am not anxious at all, I take off my coat, put myself in comfy pjs. Prepare 1/2 c of milk to have with it. Cut it in 2. And enjoy it !! It put me over the edge since I was full allready and after that I regretted it cause I dont know if the chicken in the wrap I had was bad or something but I was feeling sick. Anyway I didnt binge on the cake which is great and I had the other half this morning with my breakfast witch put me over the edge again in terms of fullness/comfort. I never learn haha !

    So there you go my whole thought process about food yesterday night. I sound like a psycho with my cake story lol

    Have a nice day everyone I am off to school and feel super positive about today even though I am a bit too full of my breakfast I know it will just mean I will want a lighter snack or no snack at all!

    Posted 2 months ago #
45. 

    Lauren
    Member

    Hey CM..yeah those negative thoughts do creep in without us knowing it..its hard....but make sure to consciously think at least one good thing about yourself a day. Haha I love your cake story!! Its good that you realized from earlier with the cookies that you need to satisfy a craving with what you are actually craving and you showed yourself that you can have a moderate amount, be satisfied, and not binge on it! That is great. Its ok you are still eating to overly full...you will feel more comfortable stopping before you get to that point the further you get along in this..What matters is you are not bingeing and you are eating what you really want. Have a nice day! ~L

    Posted 2 months ago #
46. 

    skinnybinger
    Member

    woohoo for a binge-free day! it's okay that you ate a little more than you wanted to, because you didn't binge. it's hard to recover from, so i think you did just fine dear.

    Posted 2 months ago #
47. 

    El
    Member

    Well done on not binging - that is so good, especially as the cake was there to potentially eat!
    You are so right about the pictures and mirror thing - in fact sometimes when I look back at a photo for a second time it look different again (if that makes sense) It really does depend on how we feel that day.
    It is like learning how to eat all over again - and I know that overeating at the moment is so much better than binging....and hopefully one day we will be able to completely listen and trust our bodies (I still think mine is trying to trick me)
    Your story of the cake made me smile - I do such similar things myself - BED is so mentally exhausting.
    Hope you have had a good day

    Posted 2 months ago #
48. 

    Hope777
    Member

    Hi Cookie Monster!
    I just got caught up on your journal ☺. It’s great that you noticed many things in those 3 days where you didn’t binge. It seems like since you allowed yourself to have those treats that may seem like “bad food” you didn’t really want them as much and could just eat a little without over doing it.
    Also, you said that you were overeating but not bingeing. I found I did this a lot in the begging. I think I needed to get my body back to the place where it knew it could eat whatever I wanted. Eventually the overeating got smaller and smaller and I just ate normal meals.

    You said that you get random urges and you feel depressed. I sometimes get this as well. Especially since I haven’t been using food as medication. They usually go away for me but I kind of see them as a victory.. I am actually feeling my emotions rather than covering them up.

    Haha that’s funny that you said you are obsessed with this website because I have felt the same way. I come here instead of bingeing, which I fine with me. I can’t even describe how much this place has helped me.. Its like it was created from the heavens!:)

    I also have trouble with my image and my weight. I know I see myself as bigger and uglier than I really am.. I just have to push it aside. I want to get to the weight I want to be at naturally bc I think this is the only way I will actually stay at that weight forever. Sometimes I just have to push those negative thoughts aside.

    Its defiantly okay that you binged. We have to get those binges out of the way and deal with them. If you just keep eating normally after the binge (when your hungry next) the binges will go away, I promise! I binged every once in a while in the begging and found that the urges came less frequently if I just continued eat and exercising how I knew I should.

    It’s great that you were able to eat a little of the cake and save the rest for later. SUCH an accomplishment!!

    Hugs!! Liz

    Posted 2 months ago #
49. 

    cookiemonster
    Member

    Thank you so much for your comments girls I really appreciate it...

    Right now I am crying and letting it all out. I had a mini binge with some cereal. But I dont even care because I am exhausted. I am exhausted thinking about food all the time. I am exhausted thinking about wanting to be skinny, its so superficial I dont know why I think its so important, its not, life is not about that.

    I went to school today and for once I feel happy about my choice, I tried lots of different paths and always liked cinematography/communications/arts in general but my true passion was always writing. I just went back to school again and followed my gut and chose english and french litterature. Even though french is my main language and I prefer reading it and writing it, my english classes are amazing and for once I really feel this is IT. I feel I like what I am doing.

    Except the problem is not with the content, the problem is going to school made me so sad...I see all these young people having fun, seeming busy juggling school life/social life/work life....and I feel like I should be one of them, I should be having the best time right now, instead I am depressed stuffing myself till I am numb. I could call some friends but I dont even want to make that effort...that effort of socialising and laughing ...

    You see, I always thought I was never the kind of person to have to deal with depression. I mean I didnt have a particularly bad childhood, and some people would call me a brat because in a way I was spoiled ( I have a half brother but he is way older and was not living with us so basically I was raised as an only child).

    This summer my life completely changed. I really saw the damage in my little family. My dad had been treating my mom like crap for years, and I have such a sense of instability because he is supposed to be the father figure except my mom was doing all the work, bringing home the money for us and it got me so mad. He didnt treat her as his wife and has his social life on the side and was always putting her down. My mom finally took the decision to divorce after 22 years of marriage. My dad reacted horribly and it was a major war which I was in the middle of because we are co-owners of the familial company. Basically, I felt like my dad was beeing greedy and by him doing that and beeing irrealistic with his monetary demands, I feel he was taking away food from my mouth since our company is our only source of income and I couldnt believe it to know how he reacted since he is supposed to have his childs best interest at heart. I still love him and I know he loves me except it was a tremendous disappointment... Not only that, but my grandma that was suffering from cancer came home from Europe to be with my mom, and in the midst of it all she passed away at home in my moms arms, I was there throughout everything and it really affected me. Of course when all that was over it was a relief, thats what my mom said about it too. My grandma wasnt suffering anymore and my parents werent in a loveless marriage.

    My god I cant believe I just opened up like that on a public forum but I really need to talk and I just feel uncomfortable talking to people that actually know me.

    So basically I was doing well after this summer or thats what I thought. Except I am not. I feel the change and its a huge change. It feels crazy how life can just change like that and it scares the crap out of me. These binges are just the symptom not the cause. The worst is I know I am a positive person and I know I can get myself out of this funk. I just needed to talk maybe, and I just have to pick up the pieces, pick myself up and try to bring my confidence as a person back. I seem like a very confident girl actually, but inside I am so insecure. I am also an introvert and pretty shy with people I dont know, and at school I feel it makes people not want to approach me cause they think I am snobby or something? They seem to all know each other and I dont know how to make new friends...

    Anyways so tonight I talked to my mom and I told her how I felt and I cried alot and she really made me feel better after all shes been through its unbelievable that she is still so positive and strong and I know she is doing it for me and thats another thing that makes me sad that I love her so much and she didnt deserve all this.

    So now I am just rambling but at least I feel more calm....Tomorrow is a new day and I have to keep fighting these horrible feelings...

    Posted 2 months ago #
50. 

    cookiemonster
    Member

    second binge of the evening. I feel horrible...and I know tomorrow I have mad stuff to do on top of it so I am forced to go out feeling bloated and that nasty binge hangover. Its like I binge so I could just not think of anything. And I binge like its the only way I wont think about food anymore. Like I actually have to get to the point of disgust not to think about food.

    Well disgusted I am. How can I do this to myself it is so ridiculous food is meant for fuel and enjoyement not to force down our throat even when our bodies signals us we are full. It is so messed up. I am ashamed and my lack of confidence is going to be even worst tomorrow when I have to go out and deal with the real world.

    Posted 2 months ago #

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