Addicted to Abuse? « Binge Eating Forum

Binge Eating Forum » Binge Eating Support - General Comments, Questions, and Posts

Addicted to Abuse?

(332 posts)

Started 5 months ago by hlthwrtr
Latest reply from Lauren

No tags yet.

12…7 Next »

hlthwrtr
Member

Well...

My name's China. Hello, ALL! I guess the time has come for me to start my own journal. I've been poking around this site for the last 2 or 3 months and have been so inspired and comforted by all of you ladies...I just can even describe it. This binge eating is such a lonely place. And I'm in such a cycle of healthy eating and managing stress and feeling my feelings (that's a biggie for me). I'll be on a roll for weeks, and then one day, CRACK! I'll have a deadline (I'm a writer for a national health and fitness magazine—I feel like such a friggin' hypocrite!), or PMS cravings or erratic emotions will hit, or some other tension in my life will surface that makes me reach for food to cope. Just like that, I'm back on a week-long eating bender. That's exactly what happened on Friday. To make a deadline, I ended up staying at the office until midnight, way longer than I needed to, because I was bingeing and raiding the communal fridge (yes, I am a food thief—how repulsive am I???!!!). I'm so ashamed..I can't even put it into words. I've eaten people's frozen dinners, snacks, cupcakes—it's a shame.

I know why it happened...The stress of the deadline, the temporary relief that food gives me and the thrill I get from eating it (is that perverse! i actually get a high from bingeing!), the idea that I'm there in the office all alone am obligated to meet the deadline, it just pushes me to do something forbidden—and like a dumbass I ate and ate and ate.

It started with me allowing myself to have a treat earlier that day (some fro-yo and peanut butter mixed in). I was OK after that, I thought. But it seemed to have opened a door—later that day, after I completed an interview I've been trying to get all week, I started having food thoughts. Then I began reasoning why it'd be Ok to have this and that, even though I wasn't hungry. Before I knew it, I was bingeing.

I generally stay away from dairy b/c I'm severely lactose intolerant and milk products make me break out on my face and back, and yet I STILL ate it. Why? Because I'm a rebel, and an idiot. And I want to revolt against my own biology. I hate the idea of rules and restrictions unless they're mine, but then I rebel against my own rules, too.

What I'm trying to say is that this ED is not for a lack of acknowledgement or analysis. I'm not a mindless eater. I'm a stress eater and an emotional eater. And I swear that I know exactly what I'm doing when I binge, and I want to stop myself. But I just reach a point that's so low...I give up. I feel as if the healthy, happy life I"m trying to create will never be mine...and I'm not worth it anyway...and the escape of food, however short, is a better option than dealing with the state of things (the stress, or loneliness, or anger) as they are. I'm just hurting so badly. And I wonder if I'm addicted to the hurt, like, am I addicted to being the victim? I've spent my entire adolescence and young adult life abusing myself one way or another, whether with men, or drugs, or food. This agony is very familiar and I wonder, deep down, do I really want to change? It seems a ridiculous question: Who in her right mind would choose this life? Well, I'm choosing it. And that's shamefully ridiculous.

I've been having suicidal thoughts for the past few weeks. I know I'll never follow through with them; I'm to much of a pussy to take that kind of control over my life (then there's the Christian guilt to manage). But I can't deny that whenever I see a passing train or bus, I just wonder if I should fling my body in front of the thing and just forget it. Why not just jump off this ledge and end it?

I guess somewhere, even in the midst of all this pain and shame and self-hatred (because that's what this ED is...it's me manifesting my hate for myself, which I've always had and I don't know why), I still think, by God's grace, one day I might get it right. I might fix myself. And each time I dig my way out a binge episode I wonder if this will be the time that it clicks for me. I don't restrict, or count calories, or work out too much (I used to do all those things). But I've learned from you ladies that that's not the way to go to beat this thing.

Now I think the cure for me is, in the moments when the urge to binge comes on so strongly, and i feel like I can't do anything else in the world but stuff 10 cookies in my mouth, I have to know remember that that road leads me here. And I hate how I feel now. Not bingeing will carry me into a future where I'll actually be truly content within myself.

This is so longwinded, and thanks for reading, if you've come this far. I just need to share the ugly parts of this ED and really no one else gets it. I need your help. I don't know how I'll do this alone, so I need all of you to help me. I'm so tired of it, and then, I'm scared to walk away from it, too. I don't know what a life without self-deprication looks like. I imagine its good, but I'm scared. Can you ladies tell me how you've come through? Also, when that urge to binge floods over your whole body—that's how it feels for me, like I'm being knocked over by a wave—what do you do? How do you move forward without giving in?

Better days are ahead, yes? You're too kind to read this. Thank you for listening. It just means so much...

Soon,

China in the City

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

Lunch time is approaching and I'm having binge thoughts. Should I stuff my face and just say screw it? I just weighed myself..bad idea. I can gain up to 10 pounds in 3 days when I binge; it's sick. I used to be a fit 129 (I'm 5'6)...now I'm in the mid-140's and I can go up to the mid-150's after a binge. I wonder if it's worth it. The day after a binge is always the hardest. I need to steal myself, I guess. Eating won't solve a thing, right? Right now, I'm just committing to not eat until I am truly hungry. I hope that's good enough.

China in the City

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

Made it through lunch. I got a tofu veggie soup, but I hadn't anticipated how much oil was in it. Now I'm a bit bummed and I feel I've blown it. I usually prepare my own lunch from home and bring it in, but I was too busy bingeing and cleaning up my binge mess from the weekend last night. And I got to bed so late I was too tired to wake up and go to the gym or just take a walk in the park. BLEEP! Just relax, Girl. It's all good. You're not gonna die.

China in the City

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey China!! I am so glad that you started a journal and decided to officially join our group of friends! Man I can really relate to what you are going through. I had many periods in my 4 years with BED where I would get things under control and then one situation that was emotionally charged or stressful would send me on a bender and I'd be hard pressed to pull myself out of it. I also was like you having those suicidal thoughts (but knew I'd never act on them). Please know that things are going to get better for you. You WILL recover from this...and be SO much stronger for it. There is something to be hopeful for. So it sounds like you aren't bingeing because you are trying to diet/restrict but purely as a coping mechanism for your emotions. I was kind of a mix of both but I know that I literally used every emotion so binge. Stress, anxiety, anger, loneliness, boredom, excitement, depression....so I can relate to that. And I TOTALLY got high off food. I would feel like I just took a hit of weed. And the stealing food...yep did that too. I even used to steal the cookies off patient trays before I would bring them into rooms. Wow I can't believe I just admitted that! But thats not you, thats this disease. Don't feel ashamed. Its something that you did, not who you are. Believe me once you start realizing that you really can survive any emotion without numbing, fixing, or distracting yourself with a binge, it will become easier to do each time. I just sit thru the shitty feelings I have, riding them out, and reminding myself THEY WILL PASS. That helps me a TON. Anyways great that you are here! Best of luck and keep posting! ~Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

Lauren...

I got so nervous when I saw that you'd read my post and that I had a response. I was scared that'd you'd read my innermost thoughts, but at the same time I feel really touched that you actually read what I have to say. You truly are a rock star...I hope to follow in your footsteps and be able to offer the wisdom and support you give to so many people on this site. You're 5 months binge free now, right? What a dream! Cheers to you, Girl! Thanks for your kind words. And you understanding. Funny how you mentioned weed b/c that's what I was addicted to for 7 years and quit, cold turkey, on Decemebr 9, 2007. Haven't touched it since, and now, I binge to anesthesize my feelings. Traded one addiction for another.

Well, I did end up bingeing today, but reading what you wrote has given me the strength to try again tomorrow, even though my belly is still bloated now. I have this ritual that I start anew at midnight. It's 12:02 here now. So, I'm 2 minuets into this new road. But I learned from quitting weed that there is no perfect time, or ideal hour to quit. When it's time, it's time, right? Thanks for your confidence.

Soon,
China in the City

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Oh honey no reason to be nervous...even though we are reading your innermost thoughts..they are safe with us! You can always count on us for support and to not be judgmental. Thanks China..you will get here too! Friday will be 6 months binge free Yeah I have friends that use weed to numb their feelings...its just another crutch..there are so many out there that people use. But really the strength comes from facing those emotions head on and seeing you can work your way through them. You will absolutely get to that place too. Your a rock star for kicking that habit cold turkey 3 years ago! It shows yourself that you can kick this bingeing habit too! Good luck on your new day and new journey! ~Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
Ecu
Member

Hi China,

well, we all have done things of which we do not feel proud about, but feel ashamed of. I have denied myself many things just because of the fact that I didn´t feel worthy enough. Self-steem is a weapon we need to use against BE. Just needs to be fixed so any disorder can harm us in the future. I hope we have the strength to get to Lauren´s point and then be the image for others who suffer like we do now. Everyone can gain that weight after a 3-day binge, do not worry about that, it is not you, it is the nature of our body and mind! It is physics!

We all have done crazy things during the last years because of unlogical reasons. We are in a process in which we can modify our behaviour and way of thinking, by taking actions. We can do it!!

Wish you a lot of luck and would love to hear more about you.

Be positive and keep posting

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

Ecu, Lauren, you ladies rock! Thanks you so much for your understanding and cheerleading. Six months...OMG, what an accomplishment, Lauren. Question: Lauren, how did you decide that this quit effort would be the one that would finally work for you? Were you just sick and tired and totally fed up and you'd had enough and KNEW this was it? Because I feel like that every time, but I still end up going back to bingeing. It's crazy.

I started my day with an hour-long easy workout at the gym. I ran a half-marathon, the Rock and Roll in New Orleans, last Sunday, and my knee has been a bit gimpy ever since, so I'm just taking it slowly (I usually really enjoy pushing myself, but it's nice to just move and feel active). Even though I felt chunky and bloated and like everyone was staring at my ass, I still feel great about myself. Self-esteem is a great defense, like you said, Ecu.

Here's where I need some advice, Ladies: OK, I've been here a thousand times. The first 10 days are awesome...I feel like I'll never binge again. That was the old China! Then I'll start to get a craving here and there, sometimes I give in, sometimes I don't (I can tell the diff if I really want something, or if I'm just being greedy). And then BAM...the binge wave hits me. It's like I'm high off of the buzz of not bingeing in the first 10 days, and then right at the 2-week mark I lose my passion for staying binge-free and the thought of bingeing actually becomes attractive again. I start missing it, like an old friend. It's as if I forget the hell I went through 14 days earlier. My question is this: How Do I Get Over That Hump? What do you ladies do when the urge to binge starts to creep up in your mind?

Thanks, Guys!

China in the CIty

Posted 5 months ago #
jent
Member

Hi China! I have been to this place...celebrating not bingeing with a binge. Bingeing is like an old friend, but remember the bingemonster is like the old friend from highschool that convinced you to lie to your parents, to smoke a little weed or do something you know will be dangerous and bad for you. It is a familiar, yet negative bond. I guess you just have to keep telling yourself that the binge does not bring your any closer to where you want to be and it is only a temporary relief. You miss it because it is a coping mechanism. Lately I repeat to myself that food is not medicine. I guess it is about finding new coping mechanisms that have a more positive effect on our lives. One of the best things to do is figure out exactly what your triggers are (circumstances, times, places, foods, moods) where you binge and then try to make a plan to tackle those triggers as they happen. My biggest ones are emotions and fatigue....when those meet up with solitude and i am in front of a pantry door in my kitchen...watch out. So I am working out staying out of that particular situation as much as possible. For ex, if I know my husband is going to be out or at work, I am tryng to go out of my house and do something so I am not alone in the kitchen...think about the places where you do it and make and escape route!! welcome to the forum...jen

Posted 5 months ago #
Ecu
Member

Well, I have an advice I hope it is worth using. How about a list of reasons why you would like to change your life. You can use that list everyday, so you remember yourself everyday why it is worthy! In the meantime, you will also need to introduce alternative activities in your new life. I´ve posted my list in my forum. If you want, you can have a look at it

http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/so-first-step-admit-i-have-a-problem

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Thanks China!! Yeah for me I was just tired of doing things that I had tried 1000 times that never worked and led back to bingeing which was basically coming up with all kinds of dieting plans, restrictive plans, counting calories, all the shit that isn't sustainable for a lifetime. I just wanted to solution that was going to let me have a normal happy life, not just get skinny. So that was the real difference this time..my primary motivator was completely different. You can get past this 2 weeks..remember that you are on a road to recovery, not a new "plan". Are you still restricting or not letting yourself have certain foods? How AWESOME you ran a 1/2 in NOLA!!!! Thats impressive!! Was it your first? I'm glad you are listening to your bod and going easy this weekend! I am doing my first 1/2 in 2 weeks...keep your fingers crossed for me that it goes well Have a nice day! `Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

Thanks, Gals, for your advice and kind words. Ecu, I'll check out that list of yours—good idea. I may need to tattoo my list on my forehead, LOL!

I think I need to find alternate ways to manage stress b/c, even though I'm 30 years old, I never really learned how to deal with it. I was a master escape artist, though. I could smoke or drink my way out of anything.

Before my last binge, which lasted over the weekend into Monday, I was taking baths and sipping a glass of wine to destress, or I'd meditate or take a nap if I felt edgy. And it was working. My problem is when the stress hits me bigtime and something in my brain just stops caring. I can do so well for 2,3,4 weeks and then I'll slip and go hogwild. That's the all-or-nothing thinking. If I eat emotionally one time...and it can be small, like maybe eating a couple of cookies I hadn't planned on eating, I'll just go on a food stuff bender.

I have stopped counting cals, to answer your question, Lauren. And it's been a big help. I used to be so strict..no more than 1500 daily!!!!—and I was doing 2-a-day workotus, so that wasn't enough cals for what I was burning. I also followed a vegan diet for 2 years, which did wonders for my skin, but my food thoughts and obsessions, stuff I'd never experienced before in my life, took on a life of their own. My binges became chronic when I became a vegan. Before that, I ate fish (haven't eaten poultry or meat since I was a child) and some dairy b/c I'm super lactose intolerant. Now I feel this ethical burden not to eat ANY dairy or eggs (the U.S. dairy farming and food industries are deplorable). I just began eating fish again about a month ago. BUT...check this out...when I binge I'll eat ice cream and pizza and cheesy, buttery stuff, or baked goods that I know contain eggs. It's like when I binge, I'm rebelling against the things I want to rebell against when I don't binge, if that makes sense.

I still don't know what to do about that. Maybe add dairy/eggs in small amounts? I can't drink milk or eat eggs straight up, but maybe I shouldn't nix the food items that contain them b/c clearly my lizard brain still craves them? Any advice, Gals. You all are so helpful.

China

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey China! Ha you are a master escape artist..I like that. Actually your ways of dealing with stress sound pretty healthy...baths, yoga, meditation. But I can see how having it hit you big time and losing motivation to keep your guard up, you would fall back into bingeing. Unfortunately I think that bingeing is something all of us BEDers will have to stay on guard against no matter how much binge-free time we have behind us because it was our easiest number one coping mechanism for so long....but it becomes much easier to resist with time. I think getting out of that all or nothing mentality and becoming more flexible with your eating plan will be key for you because like you said now if eating a few cookies outside of your plan it triggers a binge, so that needs to be something that changes. Not having a rigid eating plan and just kind of rolling with my days has helped me a ton. Thats great you don't count calories anymore (and 1500 def. not enough for 2X workouts...I used to do the same)...do you do intuitive eating now? Hmm thats interesting that becoming vegan made your bingeing get out of control. I think a vegan diet only works for some people. I feel super healthy and satisfied with my vegan food BUT I know people who's hair fell out, didn't have any energy, etc so I think its different for everyone. If you feel better adding fish back in thats great....hmm not sure what to tell you about the dairy stuff because I would normally say just add it back in if thats whats leaving you feeling deprived...but with the lactose intolerant thing I wouldn't want you to feel sick all the time. I find that my soy milk,dark chocolate, and all those yummy vegan desserts I have access to leaves me not feeling deprived at all....but thats just because I have so many vegan options available to me. When I used to binge I would binge on non-vegan desserts and stuff from the vending machine ALL the time. I don't think it was me bingeing out of a feeling of deprivation from my vegan diet but only that I was still so focused on weight loss, labeling things as bad/forbidden, trying to eat perfectly healthy, and coping w/ emotions with food that led me to the bingeing. Hmm if that makes any sense.

Posted 5 months ago #
Ecu
Member

Hi China,

Well, if you decide to get that tattoo I definitely would love to see that picture LOL

After the diet that made me binge again, I have seen the light. For me there will never be restrictions of this or that because it´s carbs or has fat or whatever. The criterias will be is it good for my body, do I like that food, does that food produces me any allergies/intolerance. And then the other thing is obviously to have anything but in moderation. It may be simple, but there are so many complicated diets which have made healthy ppl get into trouble and sick (phisically and mentally). So for me no diets, no restrictions

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

I like that Ecu...no diets, no restrictions. That sounds like a plan I can live with. I think that labelling foods good and bad is what made me go hogwild. Lauren, when I was eating a vegan diet, I was perfectly happy with it, except for when I was bingeing. I think I'll just figure this thing out as I go...I'm not sure what to do about the dairy/egg thing. I will eat intuitively, like you said. And if that leads me toward a slice of cheese on my sandwich, so be it, LOL!

All's been well with my eating and exercise. It's day 3, and I can already feel the difference in my body and notice small changes that let me know my body has swept out all that crap from my weekend binge. My skin is glowing, brighter teeth, my feet aren't swollen any longer (when I binge, my feet swell up like a diabetic...it's so scary!). I wonder if I'm, like, prediabetic after a few days of bingeing b/c I eat a profuse amount of simple sugars. It's such an assault on my organs. I feel so guilty. I owe my pancreas and kidneys an apology!

Anyway, I'm feeling a little nervous b/c I'm on deadline and it's Thursday and last week, my binge began on Friday during work hours (my binges usually start at work on Friday and go through the weekend, especially when I'm on deadline). But I'm really hoping that I can trust myself to get through this assignment and manage the stress without turning to food. If I do it enough, it'll become a new habit, and I just can't wait for that day, where, like weed, using food to cope will feel like a crutch from another life. I want to be able to splurge a little without eating the entire bakery section.

Quick story: The market in my neighborhood is really small, and I think the girls who work there have noticed a pattern that I buy only junk and sweets on the weekend. I always lie and say I'm throwing a party when they ask about the food in my cart (yes, they actually ask me why I have so much junk—it's so inappropriate!). But one time one of them said, "So you're not eating any real food today?" because my basket was filled with cookies and popcorn and cannolis. I wanted to punch her lights out. Maybe I still will!!!! Sorry, just had to get that out.

Wish me luck today, ladies. I'm scared of what lies ahead. But i don't want to let me fear keep me stagnate. I want to be a success story, like you guys.

Soon,

China

Posted 5 months ago #
excrisis
Member

Hey China,

First, I am really glad you are here and posting your story and struggles. That is an amazing first step. I totally understand the post binge psychical effects, I feel like crap for days after, bloated, puffy, my sweat is super salty, gastrointestinally, I break out etc etc. And those negative things can sometimes lead me back to binging! AH, but after a few days you start feeling better, and I am glad you are!

You also seem to be pretty in touch with why you binge. The deadlines, being alone at work, etc etc. I often would come into the office when no one was there and steal food from the break food, horrible I know.

I am so sorry about the girls at the store. I HATE HATE HATE when people comment on my food choices, even when I am buying healthy stuff. It is no ones freaking business but mine, go back to your own life. But, they probably mean no harm and are just nosy and trying to make conversation. You have to just brush it off and realize their words mean nothing.

I hope you have a good productive day and meet your deadlines without any falter.

xo, Stephanie

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Haha China I would want to punch her lights out too! Man I can't tell you how many times I've said I'm buying food for a party or for my roommate or some event lol. What we do for binges! And yes I also owe my pancreas, belly, thighs, kidneys, and intestines a big apology for all the abuse I have put them thru! I feel you. I'm glad you are feeling better today and see your body going back to normal. 3 days is really really great. I know weekends on a deadline are hard for you but just stay super strong and if you feel that bingey feeling distract yourself and wait it out, it will pass. Or get on here and write, we'll help you get thru that urge. I think just doing intuitive eating and going with your bod sounds perfect..and if it wants cheese, enjoy it! Have a nice day! ~Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
Ecu
Member

Man, do not let that idiot ask you what are your eating habits like. Absolutely not her freaking business. Do you ask her unapropiate questions. any polite person asks such a question. Guess she has nothing to care in life but to ask others unpolite questions... Poor girl. You are better than her and do not ask her who she sleeps with or why her hair looks so bad today or whatever...I know revenge is not a progress but haha Just kidding. Its good you tell us those little stories too. Love it!

Focus on the positive stuff you have right in front of your eyes. That is the most important now.

Hope you have a great evening, lady!

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

Girls...

I had a showdown with a box of GIrl Scout Samoas today. I come to work this AM, go to the printer, and BAM, there they are right in my face, set "innocently" on the table. I stared at them and walked away. Then I found another reason to go to the printer, so I could stare at them again. Then I read all the crap that's in them...trying to activate my virtuous, "I wouldn't put that in my body," self. That worked for a bit.

Then 30 minutes later I walked over to the table and took the box and brought them back to my desk. They just sat there as I worked. I knew I wasn't going to eat them...at least that's what I told myself...but I tested myself to see if I could ignore them. I HAVE to learn how to live and be around these foods. After a while, the thought to polish off the WHOLE box went away. I realized. Yesh, I can have one if I want. Who cares if it's got partially hydrogentated oil in it...I don't eat that crap everyday, barely at all, so it's alll good.

Lunchtime came and I was still OK. I wanted my healthy lunch I made at home (broccoli, seitan, onion, and sundried toms—yum!). I went to get a coffee from the stand and then into the deli with my coworker, so she could buy some soup. They had lima bean soup...my fav!!!!!!! In the past, I wouldn't have allowed myself to even sample it...I'd tell myself it's wrong to eat unplanned foods, and that mindset led to a binge whenever I did eat unplanned food b/c I thought I'd failed. So....i tasted a sample. And relished it. It was all I needed. I didn't want to go buy up a bunch of crap afterward b/c I'm telling myself now that, this is a life, not a diet, unplanned things happen. I don't have to be PERFECT! That's impossible. It's a spoonful of soup.

I bought some healthy snacks (soy crisps and a luna bar, peanut butter cookie flavor) b/c I KNOW the weekends are dangerous and I need to have "treats" around so I won't feel deprived. Anyway...back to the Samoas.

I go back to my desk and decide I don't want any and put them, the ENTIRE BOX, back onto the table where I got them this morning. I was SO damn proud of myself. I cannot even explain it. Within 3 minutes, my coworkers had polished off all but 2 of the cookies!!!! HAHAH!

I decided to taste half of one and I feel fine. No guilt. My lunch was light, so I'm allowing myself a snack—Cheez-its! I always binge on them and tell myself I can't have any when I'm being "good" because they have diary in them and the poor cows and my stomach and blah, blah, blah. I'm about to rip into this tiny bag of Cheez-its and enjoy it. And I'm deciding that it's OK!

This is such a breakthrough for me, Guys, and I just had to share it. I think you all have renewed my energy. I'm feeling very positive. What more could I want?

China XO

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey China!! Well done with those Samoas (which by the way are the best cookies in the universe! )..I think I once binged on 3 boxes of them..yep 3! Its good you challenged yourself with them to show yourself how strong you are and what I'm really impressed with is you let yourself have 1/2 of one and some soup and didn't let that all or nothing thinking take over. That self talk about unplanned things in life happening was PERFECT! Soon we are going to work you up to being ok with having a whole cookie and a cup of that delicious soup but baby steps... Glad you got some treats for yourself for the weekend...smart! And the Cheeze-its...brilliant!! You are making such huge progress...proud of you!! Hope you have a wonderful weekend!!! ~Loz

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

Lauren,

Yes...I look forward to that whole cookie, no guilt day!I have to say that your notes are so uplifting, Girl. I keep in mind things you've written, and I'm so glad to have your support. Thank you for your kindness and wisdom. It's day 5, and I feel so good. I let myself have exactly what I wanted for breakfast. peanut butter with some bran crackers and a bowl of cereal with fruit. In the past, cereal and pb are real hot button foods for me. Once I have a little, i usually polish off the whole jar or box afterward. It's like, I feel like I have to eat as much as possible b/c when I'm on plan, I'm not allowed to have those foods. I see how that restrictive eating sets me up for binges. IN the past 2 days I've eaten several foods that I used to binge on, but I told myself that I can have whatever I want, as long as I'm hungry, and if I'm not hungry, I can have a little taste if I really crave it. I'm feeling so free from all those food rules...it's great.

PMS will be coming up soon...I'm hoping to stick to my guns, Girl. The cravings, the stress, the roller coaster emotions...how do you handle it? Any advice?

China

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Yep that day will come..PROMISE! Oh you are welcome, anytime! I'm so happy that you are experiencing that freedom when you let go of all the food rules and realize that those food rules are what caused the binges in the first place. If you just give yourself that permission to eat what you want without guilt, the moderation thing comes easily. Your brain is like "oh PB, cereal, cookie, etc, I can have you whenever I want you, so I'll just enjoy a bit now!"...but the second you start feeling guilty or telling yourself you shouldn't/can't, or won't eat this again starting tomorrow...wowsa thats when the binge monster says 'Yep you NEED to eat that whole jar of PB NOW!" So keep doing what you are doing because it is PERFECT. And remember if you do have a little setback, it is OK. This is never ever a perfect process..its all about taking what you've been learning here and getting right back into the swing of things...not onto the next diet!

PMS is a totally tricky time..I'm still going through it...its been like 9 days of PMS ...I'm feeling that heavy in my belly feeling today so hopefully its going to actually come in the next day or two! anyway haha probably TMI. So during PMS time first of all I always KNOW and ACCEPT that I am going to be moody, bitchy, emotional etc and I just complete allow myself to be that way. Somehow allowing it, instead of feeling guilty and trying to feel better, be nicer etc makes it easier...plus I remember that its not me, its the hormones and I will feel better in a few days. Food-wise...I also know that PMS time I am generally hungrier and crave sweets more..so I also completely allow myself to eat more during that time and allow for treats whenever I want them...my dare chocolate squares usually satisfy it but if not I let myself get something else...no problem. Just really give your body permission to have those cravings without guilt (which allows you to self-comfort a tad satisfying those PMS cravings in moderation and not binge)...and know you will be back to normal soon as that cycle arrives! Hope that helps some...

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

Hey, There!

Thanks so much for the tips, Lauren! You're such a big help! Like food, giving yourself permission to feel however you feel should take some of the pressure off of feeling that way. It's like, so what, I'm angry today! Who says I gotta be all happy-dappy every moment of my life?! I noticed in your journal that you take that attitude. So refreshing! Ill try that, Lauren! I've got 2 big things to report:

The PB Incident: On Saturday, I went over to my parents house to watch the Pacquaio boxing match with my dad. So, outta nowhere my mom says "let me show you something," sand she breaks out these 2 peanut butters I'd binged on before and told her that I didn't want. She kept them! I hope she doesn't think she was doing me a favor. The PBS are by Peanut Butter & Co., this awesome, family-owned company, based in the West Village here in NYC, and man oh man, they make the best homemade peanut butters in the world. White Chocolate Wonderful (true to its name!) and Cinnamon Raisin are my 2 favs, both of which my mom had in the fridge. I've binged on both before...it's the mix of fat/sugar/salt that sends me over the edge. I'm just not in a place where I can handel them yet (unsalted, unsweetened PB I can do...and I did allow myself to have some om whole wheat crackers AND a bowl of cereal that morning! Big improvement for me b.c cereal is a real trigger). Back to the story....so there were those 2 yumy PBS staring at me in my face, and I played it off like, "Ha Ha, It's so funny how you kept those, Mom. I don't want any now, but I'll let you know if I do." In the back of my mind, I'm like, OMG!!!!!!!!!!! Panic!

I couldn't get them off my mind. As I was about to leave to go back to my place, I snuck one of the PBS in my bag! I tried to get the other one in, but it wouldn't fit! I felt so naughty and sleezy. It's not that I can't have what I want, it's the sneaky around that makes me feel like crap. And that's what'll lead to the binge b/c if I'm sneaking, I'm clearly perceiving the food as bad, so when I eat it, I become a bad girl, punishable by force feeding. And there goes the binge. That's when I did the impossible: I actually gave it to my mom before I left and confessed what I'd done and what I was thinking of doing—she was shocked! If I hadn't come clean, I KNOW I would've ended up bingeing that night and all day Sunday from pure guilt and probably today, too. I'd be writing this and sneaking cookies into my mouth!

I'm so glad I fessed up b/c if I hadn't i wouldn't feel the promise and happiness and hope that I feel right now. It's day 7! No dieting, no bingeing, and I feel great!

Incident 2: DESSERT! I used to look at desserts as being bad, so when I ate them, like you said, I'd have to polish off the entire portion b/c I thought that was my one and only chance to have it. I went to whole foods on Sunday and actually got a scoop of vegan rice pudding (one of my weaknesses!) and a ginger cookie. I asked my mom to split the cookie with me, she agreed, and I enjoyed a nice lunch with my nicely portioned dessert and I swear it was a breakthrough b/c I didn't freak out, feel guilty, want more, obsesses about calories. Truly amazing. I know this is the ticket for me, and if I can stay true to this plan, I know I'll be alright. AND one day, I'll be able to have that white choc and cinna raisin PB without fear.

In other news, I saw my ex on the train today. We're still friendly, so it's cool, but he has a baby now and he lives with his baby mama, I found out, and I don't know how I feel about it. I'm reading this book, 100 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food, and it says that you don't have to deal with life as it happens. Some things you can put on the backburner until you're ready. I'm cool with that, b/c I can't even begin to process this stuff now. We, like, hung out for a sec when we got off the train. He took swigs of my tea, without asking, like we're still together (I'm thinking, My Mouth Was There!). I didn't even mind...we just have this immediate familiarity, and I think he communicates things like, "I'm still into you," by doing things like that. He buys and bagel and then feeds me piece of it—come on!!!! And afterward he gives me this huge, long hug, and I swear i wanted to kiss him and I would have if I were a braver girl. But then I'd be more messed up inthe head now. ANyway...I said I wouldn't think about this and hear I go. AH! Enough! Ladies, I know you feel me on this. Onwards...

China

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey China!! First let me say I'm SO jealous you live in Manhattan! God do I love it there. On to the PB.. WOW please send me 2 crates for of those!! White Choco & Cinn Raisin...as a pure PB lover, I think when I die, just stuff those into my mouth, and I'll be sent straight to heaven I am SO proud of you for recognizing that sneaky behavior when it was happening, KNOWING what it would lead to, knowing and accepting that you weren't ready to have those PBs and fessing up to your mom to prevent the bingeing! Wow that is HUGE! and yes you will be able to eat those PBs in moderation, I promise!! and when you do, can I come?

That is SO incredibly awesome that you were able to split a cookie with your mom and have some vegan rice pudding (dang why doesn't my WFs have that!?!?) along with your lunch and not stress, or feel guilty/anxious! That really is a breakthrough and shows you that this the sustainable path to go down to eliminate the food neuroticness from you life for good!!

Hmmm interesting about running into your ex. Wow drinking your tea and feeing you bagel, that does sound quite intimate. But I guess he is stuck living now with his Baby Mama..but who knows, that may not end up working out...and one day you just never know what fate has in store for you....

Have a great day!! ~L

Posted 5 months ago #
stopthemadness
Member

China!!
I found your journal.. and read through it. You've been doing amazingly well girl! btw cool job, writing for that fitness magazine. It's always interesting to see how binge eating can affect anyone.. even if you do work for a health magazine or have a bs in nutrition like hil.
My goodness we both would binge on PBJS!! I would eat so many of them during a binge it's disgusting. I'm so glad you confessed to your mom that you snuck it into your bag. Way to go for enjoying the cookie without guilt! I believe not feeling the guilt will help us be binge free. Right now I'm on day 5 of being binge free. I did have an overeating day though as you saw in my journal but whatever it wasn't a humongo binge that left me with a severely bloated stomach so all is good!
Btw, interesting experience with your ex.. I'm guessing he's in a serious relationship? It really does seem like he still has a thing for you though.. I mean feeding you and giving u that loooonnng hug -_-". It's good that you guys are on cordial terms, and you don't have to face any awkwardness when you see him!

Hope you have another binge free day :]
-Emi

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

Emi, Lauren!

You girls rock. I can't thank you enough for your support! There is something about PB & J that just makes the heart smile. I swear...that may be the key to worldwide peace.

Emi, I think you're right about the guilt factor. And I know this is a tenent of yours, too, Lauren. When you let go of the guilt about food, and the restrictions about what's good and bad, your mind just shifts. It's so weird. EMi, everybody overeats, so that's totally normal. The thing that isn't normal is how we bingers obsesses about it and let it lead into more overeating and, like you said, guilt.

Quick story: On my way out of the office yesterday, I saw a box of Nilla cookies sitting at the table. I stopped and thought, do I realy want them. My answer: Yes, I LOVE Nilla cookies. I'd often binge on banana pudding JUST for the Nilla cookies b/c I never let myself eat cookies! I looked at the calorie content and decided that it was worth it. I took two. And I enjoyed them. No guilt, no "Oh crap! What have I just done?" feelings. I'm telling you, 2 weeks ago, that one little snack of unplanned food would've sent me into a full-on binge that would probably last until the end of the week. All starting with that one seed of guilt.

AND....There were donuts in the office today. I know, donuts at a fitness magazine, we should be ashamed! Anyway, when I saw them there was NO ONE around. I could've stuffed 2 into my mouth at once and stolen some for later. But I didn't even have the urge. I don't know why. I just stopped to stare at them b/c I was so shocked. What's going on, I thought! I'm guessing its b/c I know I can have a donut, or a half a donut, or 2 donuts, if I want to now. But ya know, I don't really want any. So I just walked away. It's the strangest thing. This is the first time in maybe 2 years or so that I've encountered sweets in an empty setting and haven't felt that sense of panic in my stomach, like what do I do now?!

I'm almost waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like, it can't be this simple. Can it? Can beating binge eating really be about making a mental shift in your brain? Not like that's simple, it's taken me years to figure it out. But boy oh boy...

What do you girls think?

China

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Oh ABSOLUTELY China!! That is EXACTLY what it is about. For me, it was a switch that went off. Sure I still occasionally had the urges to count calories, weigh, restrict but I always pushed them out quickly and got right back onto doing what works which is what you wrote above, eating what you want, sans guilt!! And it really does work, that permission. You may still have to fight against the urge to eat to deal with stress/anxiety but thats something you can work through. And even if you do have a minor slip up from reverting back to your old way of thinking, you'll have seen how brilliantly this way of thinking works so you can go right back to it! So don't think of it like the balls going to drop, because this isn't a diet that is going to "fail" once you slip up, its a new way of thinking about food, your body, and your life and its something that your building up so that you can have a normal relationship with food..so its a long-term sustainable thing thats never just going to completely go away..you just take what you've learned and re-apply it!

That is seriously AWESOME about both the Nilla cookies and donuts....HUGE!! So proud of you!! Haha I agree PB could solve world peace...along with cookies ~L

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

Thanks so much for your support and feedback, Lauren. I'm feeling stronger and more confident every day. Today marks day 9. I can't believe I've come this far. In the past, days 9-12 would be difficult. I'd start to panic b/c I knew I was about to hit double digits. At the two-week mark, I'd feel the pressure of trying to keep it up. Then, as if on on cue, I'd crack and binge. It was easier to let myself down than to live up to the notion of beating this thing. What twisted psychology. I read something once that stated "It takes courage to be happy." That's a painful truth.

Today, I'm not in panic mode. I feel calm and at ease. I had a sliver of a cupcake yesterday (and it was SO worth it...and I didn't want more or obessess afterward. One taste is all I needed!!!! Who knew? I used to need the whole box). I've had a lollipop in my cupboard for 4 days and haven't even wanted to touch it (the fact that I have uneaten sweets around is major!). I even had 2 pieces of yummy low fat cheese on my sandwich last night (yeah, I was gassy later, but who cares?! LOL!). These are things I would have NEVER done before without bingeing or being seriously tempted to binge. It's the weirdest thing.

I think making the mental shift to not restrict, like you said, is the biggest thing. I think I can deal with those acute moments of super-stress when I just want to freak out or stuff my face silly....or at least let's hope so. I haven't been so "under the gun" at work, so it's been a good time to get my binge-free legs beneath me, so when the stress comes, I'll be ready. We'll see how it goes, but for the first time, I feel an internal change taking place. I can't believe it.

I even weighed myself today and, yeah, I wasn't ecstatic about the number: 148 (I'm about 20 pounds away from goal), but it IS moving downward (I was 155 last week, which I know was water and waste from the binge). But I didn't feel crappy either. I said to myself, OK, its doing it in its own time. There's no hurry. I'll get there. I'm just glad to know for sure that this time when I lose the weight I'll be able to keep it off forever. What the point of losing it and gaining it all back?

How did you keep from focusing on weight-loss? Being 5 months binge-free, have you been able to lose the weight you wanted to lose? If so, has it been easy to keep off?

China

Posted 5 months ago #
stopthemadness
Member

hey China!
Oh my goodness.. nilla cookies are so yummy.. I always used to dunk them in milk when I was a child. You go girl for Day 9 of no binging!! I am on day 8.. and I am a little anxious as this is where I usually crack and "let loose" because I have gone so long without binging. However, it's weird I don't feel that urge to binge... because I know I can eat more when I want.. and I just do not feel the urge to binge.. However, yes it is still early in the day and I just hope I will make it through day 8. I agree it's important to us for letting go of guilt.. I am so glad this is working for us so far!

Man donuts are a HUGE binge trigger of mine.. I still haven't eaten them yet since the last binge. The only memory I have of them is scarfing down an apple fritter, glazed, and chocolate one in a few minutes -_-". I think I may try to eat one in the near future. I remember at work when no one was in the office, I saw a box of see's candies chocolates.. and stuffed as many as I could in my mouth and hid some in my purse. Embarrassing I know..

You are doing so well China! I'm proud of you.. and like you said I think it is best our weight comes off slowly but SURELY.. as what's the point if we get to our ideal weight and we still don't know how to eat intuitively and then we will just gain it all back without having learned anything. Sometimes I find myself thinking I wish I could lose weight faster, but I'm trying to kick those thoughts because it's not helping me at all. Let's keep feeling guilt free and enjoying food :]. Have another binge free day!

-Emi

Posted 5 months ago #
Sarah
Member

Hi China. wow i just read your first post and it is really crazy because i felt like I just read my exact situation on the screen it shocked me really i just had to post...the food stealing, the bingeing when your stressed as an escapism no matter how short it may be, I also go through stages when im binge free and everything falls into place and seem on top of the world and bingeing seems a distant memory but then bam one day i just feel like i need to rebel against doign so well?? I feel also like do i actually want to suceed in beating this??
You seem to be doing really well and I think I could learn alot from you, thank you so much for posting its really madea huge difference to my day, I am sorry to read about your troubles but strangely comforted at the same time to see im not alone and not going cuuurazay lol, Hope to read more of your progress.x

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey China!! That is so awesome you are feeling that panicky "when is this going to fail" thing that always came along with any of those old "diet plans" we all used to do! This is about an internal shift in our minds and really eliminating the restricting and guilt. Doesn't it feel marvelous to be able to eat amazingly delicious things in moderation, savor them, and not feel bad about it!! And AWESOME to have no problem keeping lollis around!?? Girl what planet do you live on where a 7 pound weight loss in ONE week isn't a lot!!! No I'm glad you see though that this should be a slow process and that in order to keep that weight off long-term you have to do it in a healthy way with a healthy mind. In 6 months I have probably lost most of the weight I gained (30 pounds)...I haven't weighed myself in almost 4 months but I would guess I'm maybe 5 pounds over what I used to be??? My old jeans fit me but tighter than before...so not sure. Its been easy to keep off because I am still listening to my bod and exercising..so I may even be going down some..but to be honest I'm probably actually going up in weight just because I'm building muscle with the weight lifting and long distance running..but thats totally fine because I don't know or care what the actual number is!! And I know muscle building is a good, healthy thing!! But for me the key to stopping obsessing about weight loss was to just stay off the scale. Then I just knew that I could do intuitive eating and wouldn't freak out if some weeks I didn't lose or gained a bit...I just went with how my clothes fit and gradually I kept being able to go down in sizes....but I also gave myself a really realistic goal...I just said well I am going to trust intuitive eating, I'm going to make having a happy, fulfilled life and a healthy relationship with food my number one goal....and hopefully my body will go to where it should be...and if it takes 1 year even, thats fine!

You are doing awesome! xoxo L

Posted 5 months ago #
noimae
Member

well done China. I'm so proud of you doing so well!
In my instance, I lost everything I have gained during the binges, gradually. Obviously, my goal is not as low as I had before binges (I was anorectic) but in total it was 14kg (about 31lb). I think it took about a year. I was told on my therapy that if I want to lose weight (they strongly adviced me not to) I shouldn't lose more that 0.5kg (1.1lb) per week. In fact when I tried to lose more, I had a binge and went up again. So 7lb seems a lot to me but I the beginning when everything is trying to regulate itslef in your body, I think it's ok. Keep on focusing on doing well in fighting the binges though. take care

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

Ladies,

I look forward to this time everyday, when I can eat my lunch (figs, tempeh, broccoli and chopped onion in a low-sodium soy sauce..I made it at home), and read your comments and other people's journals and thoughts. It's just great.

Chantelle, I'm glad you found some of your own story in my narrative. I find a little piece of me in all the journals I read on here. Isn't that comforting to know that there are other people like you, struggling with the same thing? It just gives me hope that this BED will soon be history for all of us.

"Aunt Flo" came to visit, and she usually brings a mother of a sweet tooth with her, so I made some pancakes for dinner last night with a generous spread of peanut butter on top, white choc on one pancake, cinna-raisin on the other, and I enjoyed it like it was my birthday! A little agava nectar on top with some Greek yogurt and chopped figs, I ate exactly what I wanted, no guilt, no shame, and no BINGES!!!! And I didn't feel the need to sneak more peanut butter afterward b/c I know I can have more today, if I want (but today is a dark chocolate day!).

I'm just thrilled. When I feel stressed, b/c your period makes everything feel more urgent and overwhelming, you know, I feel the stress and then let it do its thing. If the stress wants to hang around all day, OK. If it wants to leave in 10 minutes, OK. One thing it won't do is make me eat. I'll cry, mope, curse, whine, but I won't eat, b/c eating doesn't let me express my feelings, but all those other actions do. So I moped all the way home from work yesterday, I acted irritable (but still sweet) when I visited my dad in the hospital, I moped while I made my pancakes, and I rolled my eyes at everything people said on TV, and I swear i felt better.

I've gotten so used to using food to numb my feeelings that i forgot what my feelings feel like, and they're not so bad, even the bad ones. They won't kill me. And I enjoy acting like a selfish b-tch sometimes. I have that right, and it felt empowering to use it. "No, I don not have to be happy dappy all the damn time. No, I do not have to walk around numb," that's what I was saying to the world yesterday. People who are alive feel stuff. I was missing out on one of the best parts of living.

How do you guys deal with your emotions when you're not bingeing? Any tips?

China

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

OMG China I seriously am in love with your journal!!! I love reading what you write..you are literally taking 10,000 mile leaps forward in your recovery!! First of all, letting yourself have a sweet day from your cycle craving is PERFECT..and I'm so proud of you for enjoying it, not feeling guilty, and knowing that PB is around today if you want it!! I REALLY want to come eat pancakes with you YUMMO!!! Now what you are saying about your feelings and emotions is exactly right. We do not need to deal/numb our feelings, even those awful ones, with food. It doesn't help and like you said they will never, ever kill us. There are days where I just feel like shit, and I totally accept it. I don't feel guilty for being bitchy or feeling moody...it just is what it is...and almost always I feel better the next day. So I really just try and hang tight...let myself indulge a little, maybe do a little cheering up by talking to friends or give myself a bum movie day to lay around feeling crappy. Just let yourself be. And always remember IT WILL PASS! You are doing SO great girl!!

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

Hey, Lauren Gurl

Thanks for your encouragement. Today WAS better, like you said. I was in and out of my funk, but I just rolled with it. My mom gave me grief, "what's your problem? you're in a bad mood." And swiftly told her that I can feel however I'd like, thank you very much. LOL! Quick story:

On my way from leaving the hospital to see my dad after work, I stopped by the vending machine. There were some yummy things in there...Fig Newtons, cookies, animal crackers, wheat thins. My eyes glazed over all the treats and for a second i got panicky. I had a very fleeting thought of a binge, but as soon as it came it vanished. I bought the shortbread cookies, so I wouldn't feel deprived, and i totally planned on eating them. Then I looked at the ingredients and saw they had trans fat in them. EWWW I promised myself that my treats were gonna be worth it, and suddenly the cookies looked like a cheap knock off. i asked myself, do i really want these cookies? I realized that I didn't have to decide right then. I stashed them away. Then my mom had a piece of cornbread from Boston Market. Want a bite? she asked me. I asked her what it tasted like. She said it tasted like cake. Cake froma fast food joint? I'll pass. I said...Naaaa, I'll go buy myself a nice treat from the bakery. Got to the bakery and they were closing shop for the night. No treats for me. I bought some soy crisps and felt a little sorry for myself. Got home and saw my coconut creme flavored Linda's Lollipop! (angels singing). It's such a lollipop night, I thought. It's a soy crisps, hot cocoa, and lollipop night. Just so i felt sorta healthy, I broiled some broccoli and fresh figs, and dinner was served. What did I learn? I'm not sure...maybe stay in control of my thoughts. Eat intutively not just b/c its there. Think about what I really want. Impulse buys usually won't be worth it. I was probably hungry for sweets b/c I'd just left my dad in the hospital and wanted something to soothe me, but that's OK. I'm human and that sweet treat did sweeten my evening. I'm not going to say I "deserved" it because food isn't a reward. I just enjoyed it...and i do deserve to enjoy myself whatever way I choose. A friday night lolly and an action movie (The Taking of Pelham 123)...that's what I call a proper Friday night.

It's almost 2 weeks and I feel like I'm getting stronger each day. I'm still a little nervous, wondering if I'll crack. It just doesn't seem worth it, all of a sudden. Why binge? I'd rather suffer whatever emotion I'm feeling and get over it. Ah, well...

Hope your Friday night is thriving.

China

Posted 5 months ago #
noimae
Member

wow China. you are making such a progress. really impressive. you did very well by stopping and thinking whether you really wanted to eat it. I think that this is one of the most successful strategies because by thinking, you are buying yourself time - time when the urge becomes weaker and weaker.
Your Friday night seems to be very relaxing. I haven't seen that movie. Was it good? I've watched "My own private Idaho" which was very interesting and unusual. I also have my dance classes on Fridays. I really love them.
keep on doing well!

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey China! I love that you told your mom your in a bad mood and thats fine, just deal with it! Ha I was kind of bitchy to my mom yesterday feeling a bit down about the boy situation but I did the same thing, sorry Mom I'm feeling moody today...its just one of those days! That is great you listened to what you really wanted yesterday instead of impulse buying or having something because it was available. Bummer to that bakery being closed!! But at least you had that lolli at home! Hope you enjoyed Pelham 1,2,3 I remember I liked it!! Keep up the great attitude! ~Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

Hey, Girls!

Thanks for your votes of confidence! I can't believe it's day 14. I'm at the 2-week mark, and honestly, I don't see myself turning back. I let myself have whatever I wanted this weekend...frozen yogurt with white chocolate chips and graham cracker crust one night. Last night I had some ginger cookies, dates, and candied cashws mixed into my yogurt, and I had some of those yummy garlic seseame stick things from the Whole Foods bulk section. I didn't feel bad. If I had I would have binged. I just told myself, so what, it's just food, and I can eat a little bit and not go crazy. This AM, I did my run/jog at the gym (I still have tendonitis in my left knee, so taking it easy), and I felt strong afterward. I still weigh 148 (Yes, I weighted myself)...but I decided that it doesn't matter what the scale reads. I feel great, and I know I'm not going to binge, so it's all good. That's the goal I really want, so getting down to 128 pounds will be a welcome side effect.

Quick story: There were some salty, yummy seeded crackers on the snack table today and i checked out the nutritional content, which wasn't too bad. But, ya know, I didn't really want them, I decided. And I KNOW that I would've eaten the entire box probably if I hadn't satisfied my snack cravings last night. So, yes, I may not lose 4 pounds a week, but I'm not gonna gain 4 pounds in a day by stuffing mysef full of junk. Which scenario is best? I think we all know.

Hope you guys are thriving, too!

ChinaXO

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey China!!! Congrats on 2 weeks! That is awesome!! I think its huge that you are seeing you have to let yourself have things without guilt that you enjoy eating..the second you let yourself feel bad about it, it lets that binge monster in. So just remember even though you do want to go down in weight (which you will) the most important thing is keeping the bingeing away..even if that means eating what you want and not losing the "crash diet" weight level (which never lasts anyway). Just keep doing what you are doing because you are making huge progress! Hope your knee feels better.. I know injuries are the worst Hugs, Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

FYI...I'm on day 16. It's a whole new world, and I love it. I don't know where this self-assuredness is coming from (well, I do know...it's coming from my heart and soul) but I know I've beat this thing. Binge eating is no longer a part of my life. That's it...I'm done. It's no longer an option...off the table. See ya'. Buh-bye!

Bingeing came into my life like a lion, and it's departing like a lamb. I don't know what I expected...a drum roll or skies to open..or trumpets blaring, but it's departure is very quiet. I guess when you know something for sure, you don't have to scream about it. I thought I needed an exorcism to get over this, but all I needed was a mental shift.

I'm gonna discontinue this thread, but I'll be checking in daily to post on your board and others. You've been such a big help and encouragement to me, Lauren. I can't thank you enough, girl. You're a gift.

China

Posted 5 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Oh honey...thank you. You left my grinning from ear to ear reading how great you feel and confident that you've beaten BED. I'm so happy that you see how powerful your mind and how easy it is to get your life back once you make that shift! Glad you aren't leaving us completely as we all enjoy reading how you're doing!! High five on 16 days! And thanks for being so sweet. Will miss you on my travels! Hugs, Lauren

Posted 5 months ago #
stopthemadness
Member

CHINA!!! congrats you are such an inspiration.. to think that it's been 16 days is amazing.. My longest has been 8 days and I'm really trying to work towards longer.. that would give me more confidence that I can beat this BED.. take care <3

-Emi

Posted 5 months ago #
Brandon
Member

China, I just want to tell you how inspiring this thread has been. I'm a 21 year-old male struggling with binge eating. I've only been binging for about 3 months or so, but I've already admitted it to my family and my boss at work, and am trying to get a handle on it. I can relate to soooo many things you said, like about how sometimes it feels like you're just waiting for the breaking point after you've been doing well for so long. That's what happened to me after a week of eating extremely healthy (five organic/all-natural meals a day, consisting of tons of protein, fibrous carbs, and plenty of all-natural fats) and losing 8 pounds (from 148 to 140 lbs in a week!). I felt so proud of myself and felt so good and thin that feeling HAPPY actually made me binge, and I binged hardcore for the entire 7 days following the first binge! I had built myself up so high that that one initial moment of letting myself down hit me waaay harder than ever before. But I broke the cycle yesterday and didn't binge, went back to eating like I know I should, and today I read this thread. I can see some very enlightening insights that you and the other members have implemented into your lives that I think can really help me in beating this monster. So, really, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for posting this, and I wish you nothing but continued success!

~Brandon

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

Brandon, Emi, Lauren...

You are too kind. I read your thread, too and was so moved by your story. I know exactly what you're going through. Beating this thing is a tough road, but we have to be brave...the more we shrink away, the more we binge.

I'm on day 18 now and feeling great, but it's a Friday afternoon...prime binge time...I'm trying to put off a work project until the last minute, my cubicale mate is off today, so I have the whole work space to myself...and I'm feeling anxious about this guy I recently met and that whole "getting to know you...do you like me?" process. Seriously, this is when I'd sneak into the communal fridge and grab the ice cream and eat nearly the whole half gallon, or I'd break away to the fast food Turkish spot, or raid the vending machine for junk food. But now that I'm 18 days into this binge-free lifestyle, I'm like, "Why would I make my problems worse? Bingeing is the most irrational thing I could do right now. Don't!!!!"

I'm not used to feeling my feelings b/c I'm an expert on numbing them. But, in the grand scheme of things, how I feel ain't so bad. I mean, it's no picnic. I hate feeling that ball of stress in my belly and super jumpy and on edge. But I can take it. I guess in some weird way, I'm buliding confidence in myself. I can handle my feelings without running to food. We all can. It just takes practice.

Wish me luck, Guys!

Posted 5 months ago #
Brandon
Member

You can do this, China! Friday afternoon is also prime binge time for me, and I'm reeeeeeeeallllllly fighting the urge right now (will write more about it in my journal tonight). But I just keep telling myself that, like you said, binging is the most irrational I could do right now. Plus, I have obligations tonight, and don't want them to be tarnished by the certain guilty feelings resulting from a binge. I just have to get my mind on something else, and remember that my feelings about a situation totally depend on how I choose to react. It's funny; I used to LIVE by that philosophy, but since the binging started, that's all seemed to go out the window. Well, it's time to bring it back! =)

Keep your head up!

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

Drumroll...

Today is day 21...it takes 21 days to form a new habit, they say. I cannot believe I'm here. I was lying in bad last night just thinking about this weekend and I said to myself, "Girlfriend, you are kicking serious ass!" On Friday Iw as nursing major boy anxiety and two pressing work deadlines, and I stayed at the office until 9 PM (everyone else had left). PRIME binge time. On 3/5 I stayed at the office until midnight in a similar situation...but I spent many of those extra hours bingeing on junk an vending machine stuff and take out and whatever I could find inthe communal fridge. It was so devastating and I felt I couldn't stop myself. MY ankles were sore and swollen from all the bloating and I walked to the subway feeling utterlyd defeated. I thought of throwing myself under the train. To go from that extreme to how I feel now is no less than a miracle.

The urge to binge slightly crept up on Friday, but I know the signs now...it's just my mind's (ridiculous!) way of trying to handle the stress and discomfort I'm feeling. I went to the fridge and looked at the ice cream and I thought, You don't really want this! What you really want is a blankie and a hug and lullaby and someone to assure you that this moment of angst and uncertainty and stress will pass and the sun will shine tomorrow and all will be better. So that's exactly what I told myself. I rocked myself like a baby until I felt better. And it WORKED! No binge. No overeating. No nothing! BUT...I know that the "trigger" foods would have had more power over me if I'd been restricting myself. The fact that I've been eating what I want to eat within reason has also taken away the power that food has over me and the idea as food being a cure for my stress.

I just feel as if I've come so far, and I know I wouldn't have been able to do it without your guys' support. Just think, a few weeks ago I was questioning whether or not I wanted to get better. I wasn't sure. Maybe I want to be a binger, I thought. But that was the addictive thinking consuming and stealing away my hope. Yes, a certain part of me enjoyed just eating without a care. But I realize that I have that now without bingeing if I change my thinking.

Quick story: I got ice cream last night for no particular reason other than the fact that I wanted it. And I made sure that I wanted it enough so that the calories were worth it. MY mom drove me to Cold Stone Creamery and I thold her that I'd walk back home. For a moment I had a binge thought. I told myself, I should buy an entire cake, and then eat it all! Then I said, Wait...you don't want the entire cake. You just want to be able to eat without fear or worry. I can experience that in a small "Like It" sized sinless sweet cream fro-yo with yellow cake and coconut mixed in. When I went home and ate that delicious creation, it was pure pleasure and enjoyment, and I thought, WOW! This is the life. I'm getting the best of both worlds: eating reasonably and consciously AND eating for pure pleasure. I didn't think the two could coexist! But they can. What a revelation!

Tomorrow starts week 4. No turning back for me! Thanks for reading and best of luck to us all!

China

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

OK...so I'm just writing this to calm my chattering mind right now. I'm feeling awesome about all I've accomplished in 24 days binge-free. I know the key is to eat what I want and forget the rest. But here's the thing:

There are these cookies from Levain's Bakery (a famous place in NYC) in the office and I had a little taste of one yesterday. DELISH! Then today I broke off 2 pieces of 2 cookies (they're huge—6 ouces each!), and I feel a bit, I don't know...disappointed isn't the word b/c I enjoyed my treat. I guess I feel a little guilty, even though I just had a few tastes. So what did I do??? I looked up the calories and saw that one cookie contains about 800 cals. My "tastes" probably equalled to about a half or less. OK...I'm dealing with that. And I'm having mixed feelings...anger, guilt, fear of weight gain, fear of failure. I know that calorie counting is a symptom of the binge behavior. And so are ALL THESE THOUGHTS!

I just also had a fleeting idea that I should go back and get more. Wha?! I had what I wanted! I'm trying to rationalize...I recognize it. I know these thoughts are all from that binge eating devil trying to lure me back into his snare. I WILL NOT LISTEN TO IT!!!!! These thoughts are lies, stupid fucking lies and I'm not about to cave into them. I have no reason to feel guilty...I ate cookies, so what?! I'm not going to ruin my diet! I'm not going to gain weight...relax, China! I haven't "screwed up!" This is no cause to give up...there's never any cause to give up, even if I had ended up bingeing.

The other reason is that I know what I had was acceptable and normal. If I go back, that's even acceptable, but it allows that space for "negotiation" in my mind that I don't need right now. I allowed myself the treat. Now it's over! Move on, Girl, I've got a ton of work to do. That could be another reason why I'm craving seconds...I don't feel like doing my work!

OK...pardon this little rant, but I just had to get it out, ya know. This binge eating addiction is one of the hardest things I've ever faced in my life, and I'm slowly climbing my way out, but I don't want to take 2 steps backward right now. I'm so glad I came on here to air out my thoughts. Just let it out, right! I feel better...much better. I'm wondering if I would've felt better if I hadn't even eaten them in the first place. I guess not...but who cares, I'm not going to entertain that thought b/c it's not the truth. And those are guilty thoughts. "I shouldn't have, Oh no! What have I done!" F that! I'm not going there. I did it. It wasn't a big deal. Move on. OK...that's it for my ranting! I feel like a bit of a pyscho. If you've read this far, bless your heart for reading my thoughts. Thank you sincerely.

Best of luck to all of us!

China

Posted 5 months ago #
candylover
Member

hey china,

i am new and just read some of your posts and i feel like i can really relate to you! i am not a fitness writer but my friends look up to me for health advices because i work out a lot and eat well when i am out with them...i feel like such a hypocrite too

what really caught me is your last post... "That could be another reason why I'm craving seconds...I don't feel like doing my work!" OMG THAT IS SO TRUE!!! i make food, eat it in front of my computers while i work, go back to the kitchen for more and more and more..... i have a ton of work but i am also a huge procrastinator. instead of going out with my friends on a thursday night i am home trying to catch up on work. yet i end up spending hours bingeing!!! i am so going to work now!!!!!

Posted 5 months ago #
Marie3
Member

China,

I just spent a few minutes reading your posts, and I just want to say thank you so much for writing them. In my lowest, most difficult moments (usually after a binge, like now) it gives me comfort to see that others share my thoughts. It makes me feel less alone, like there are so many of us that struggle with this.

But, I must congratulate you on 24 days binge free! That's so exciting. It's so hard to do what you did- reason with your mind and try to change your thinking patterns. I know exactly how you feel, except I haven't been strong enough yet to get through them without a binge like you have.

I love the part where you talk about your mind telling you to go back for seconds, and the whole negotiation thing. You are right, it is all "fucking lies"! I laughed aloud at that part. But it is so true! Where do we get these lies? Why are there so many people affected by BED now? Is it the media? Is it society? Is it us? But you are right, all the messed up feelings about ruining the daily diet, going back for more, etc are fucking ridiculous.

Please keep going and feeling good. Even if you eat something that's not "good for you", you are still doing great and just focus on the big picture. You are so strong for getting though this- it really is an addiction.

Posted 5 months ago #
hlthwrtr
Member

Hey, Folks,

I hope you all had a good holiday weekend. Mine was heavy, so here goes:

My father has 9 months to live. He has Stage IV non-small cell Adenocarcinoma of the lungs. He starts Chemo this week, but it will only, hopefully extend his life. The cancer is incurable and inoperable, as it's spread to his bones (ribs). I can barely breathe. My father and mother are my best friends (I'm an only child). I can't imagine a life without him. In my darkest moments, it's his voice I hear—the wisdom he's given me, the insights into life, relationships, sex, men—I don't know what I'll do. I think I'll die if he dies.

Second piece, I found a glorious new apartment and I'm moving in in 2 months. I'm scared b/c it's the most rent I've ever paid, but I'm also anxious about paying that much b/c I'm not spendthrift and I grew up in a lower income household where the first of the month was always stressful. On one hand, I'm thrilled, as I know that this is the lifestyle I've been working toward the past 6 years, and I can finally have it. But there's a certain level of fear there, too. And I feel like I'm not allowed to feel joy with my father being so sick.

Saturday night I talked with my dad over the phone for more than an hour. We laughed a lot. I thought I was OK afterward. I'd seen him in the hospital earlier in the day (I went to show off my new haircut). Then, after I hung up, I ate a bowl of cereal and pita bread for no reason. I didn't even realize I was doing it, or maybe I did, but I didn't take the measures to stop myself. The next day, Easter, I woke up angry with myself. I ate a piece of pita bread and a smoothie and I thought, "What will I do now?" I was supposed to go to church, but instead, I walked to the market and bought: a slice of carrot cake, a cookie, a white chocolate bar with nuts, a pint of soy vanilla ice cream and 8 fresh figs. I went home and ate nearly all of it (I threw out half of the ice cream), including a small pasta dish i made with noodles and asparagus, plus more pita bread with hummus and sour cream. Even though I've eaten more in the past, I classify this as a binge b/c of my thinking. I was eating to numb my feelings, and I kept eating to numb those feelings. UGH!

Then my mom came over and brought a lollipop and almond biscotti. I ate both. Then I made us dinner (pasta with veggies and fish)—it was a small portion and I wasn't hungry but I hate it anyway. I also drank about half a bottle of white wine. Then, I convinced my mom to leave PB for me (she knows it's my weakness), and I ate it with the last piece of pita bread right when she left. Then I crawled into bed, feeling like a defeated loser.

I woke up this morning unsure of which way I'd go. I could really turn this into a binge and take 8 steps backward, or I could turn things around, pick up where I left off, forgive myself, and move forward. I chose the latter.

I have to cut myself some slack, I realize. I wasn't ready to handle my father's cancer diagnosis, and then mentally prepare for a move. I wasn't prepared for either of those things to occur. I thought my dad's problem was inflammation—he has sarcoidosis (an autoimmune disease of the lungs), and I wasn't planning to move; I was just "looking." Those 2 curve balls threw me. OK, so my goal is to get right back on plan. Eat healthy, eat til I'm satisfied, stop when I'm full, treat myself as I please.

The treat myself part was becoming difficult b/c I got into a mode where I wanted to treat myself just because I saw something, or thought up a treat, and knew I could have it, even if I really didn't want it—or maybe I did, but I didn't have to have it. I was having a hard time differentiating between eating librally and without restrictions, and eating by my impulses. I'll figure it out in time.

There are so many facets to this ED, you guys know. I still feel hopeful and cheerful about the future. And these next few months with my dad will be so special. Someone told me once, "Even when you fall, you can fall forward." So, yeah, I fell this weekend...I'm a little scraped up. But I fell forward. I've grown in this month of being binge-free. I'm not the same girl who was having suicidal thoughts a month ago tomorrow. I will beat this thing—no, I AM beating this thing. All of us are.

China

Posted 5 months ago #

RSS feed for this topic

12…7 Next »

Reply »

You must log in to post.