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Chantelles journal

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Started 7 months ago by Sarah
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Sarah
Member

so I thought that it was time to start a new journal because I feel Im at a new stage of my recovery...I began my recovery about 8months ago when i recognised and wanted to deal with this, then after many journalling,seeing doctors and councelling I figured out exactly why I do what I do and I also managed to stop my binges for long spurts of time, and when i did binge they got alot smaller, i also dropped over half the wieght i gained due to bingeing...so progress has been made but now iv reached this stage where i have these relapses and today i had a really bad one like the binge was very big (like an oldschool one where i midlessly ate for hours until i felt ill) but the wierd thing was aware of why i was doing it and i knew how i could stop it but took no action against it, it was really bizare im hoping this new journal will help me understand more where i am with my recovery and how i can move forward and learn to except my "new self" its hard to getting used to being this new person when u think a part of you used to be this binge monster for like 3yrs? I need to stop thinking it will creep back up and giving it the chance to relapse..
Im not going to whine and beat myself up over this i truelly want to move forward and really feel im at the "final stage" of my recovery which is probably the hardest part i sorta compare it to going from teenager to adult its a long process and some people go through some awful stuff before they come to except responsibilty and become an adult, well iv went through years of ups and downs of binging and gaining and losing wieght and obssesing and punishing but now i am finally ready to move on and leave that all behind, so hopefully this journal will help me do just that...
Im going to begin with what I binged on today i would usually leave it out and begin "fresh" tommorow but i cant deny what happened and i except what i done today so il share what i binged on and my food plan for tommorow.

Today: Breakfast- Fruit and Yoghurt with coffee,
Snack: Rice cakes and an apple
Lunch: Veg stur fry with black bean sauce,
BINGE: 4 Kit Kat chunkys, 2slices of toast, 2bagels, 1large packet of mini eggs,3 mini sized cheesecakes, 2biscuits and loads of diet coke! wow that was a 3500cal binge thats exactly a pound in fat..the biggest binge iv had in a LONG TIME its disapointing but its good for me to write this down and come to terms with how i am treating my body...and i wonder why i get ill so much??
ok so tommorow im going to have:
Breakfast: Blueberries and yoghurt with coffee
Snack: raisins and cashew nuts
Lunch: Vegetable soup with rivita and ki-wi
Snack:Apple
Dinner:Veg stir fry with a soya yoghurt after
Cup of tea in the evening before bed.
Exercise: 4-5hours dance training tommorow.
Wish me luck xxx

Posted 7 months ago #
jacquirsw1
Member

It is weird these moments we have when we realise things. You are not going to relapse by having a binge, it is a lapse which is different. You know why so I totally get why you are wanting to look at the next steps from here in your journey

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey girl..welcome back. Glad you started a new journal. Sorry to hear that you've been struggling lately but unfortunately I think recovery is such a complex thing where we have periods where we are moving forward, and others where we have a few setbacks..you just have to find a way to get yourself back on track. That is great that you have figured out so much in 8 months! Looking forward to keeping up with your progress. Hugs, Lauren

Posted 7 months ago #
Sarah
Member

Thanks for the comments guys, Im sure everybodys recovery is completely different because we all individually deal with things differently because when im alone i tend to feel sorry for myself alot and because iv been off college sick the past few days and binging iv been alone all day and then feeling really sorry for my self on top of that..not a good combination, i need to keep busy and pro-active, and i really tried that today...I had a really difficult day
I was still sick and on antibiotics when i woke up today but had to go in to college because there was a choreographic competition on today and i was in a piece so i couldnt let the other dancers down, so i went in for it and some rehearsals but then got sent home after lunch were i was alone with food and feeling sorry for myself...and kept getting that stupid feeling of "oh il start fresh tommorow so i may aswell eat as much as i can today" when we all no thats stupid and NEVER works i know because thats restricting, so i nearly ate my housemates kitkats again lol but i resisted and went to bed...later in the supermarket i was tempted to but lots of biscuits but once again resisted i still overate today but i feel it was better choices and less out of control, heres what i had.
Breakfast:woke up late grabbed oat bar and vitamin drink
Lunch:Apple,veg soup with 1slice of bread, packet of snack-a-jacks and half a cereal bar.
Snack:1 ryvita and grapes
Dinner:small portion of veg stir fry with black bean sauce.
Snack:Oat bar,apple with yoghurt.
And in the evening when we got back from the supermarket me and my housemates had one bagel and an ice cream with cookies dessert.
I found today a struggle not to binge on chocolate but although i ate quite alot i think its a step forward from yesterday...I tried things like cleaning up and hoovering and internet to take my mind off food but the main thing is its a more positive step in the right way i suppose.
Im gonna try not to count calories because i cant figure out if its making things better or worse for me??

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Chantelle...hmm do you think that maybe you were tempted to binge at lunch because you had such a tiny breakfast and being a dancer you probably need a bunch of extra calories from all that dancing everyday? Maybe your body is craving binges as a way to get some extra calories? I'm glad you were able to stay strong tonight with the chocolate and found ways to keep yourself busy and distract yourself. Not counting calories helps me, but I think its different for everyone, so just figure out what is best for you! Stay strong. ~Lauren

Posted 7 months ago #
Sarah
Member

Hay, thanks for the post lauren...i think your right you know its something ive been struggling with isknoing what is actually the right amount to eat for my body and what i do, as its such a warped enviroment, most of the dancers i train with all eat differnet like some eat virtually nothing except fruit and oats and others can eat as much as they want cause they burn it off quickly, I think becaause im still hung up on loosing that last bit of weight that i gained due to bingeing my mind is still in diet mode when i plan my meals...I know its not the answer but im just trying to balance eating sensibly and then shedding afew pounds...its really difficult for me, but your right sometimes i dont eat enough and think its good because im not bingeing but in reality its just as bad for my body..
Today I had:
Breakfast- A bowl of porridge with blueberries and a coffee
Lunch- Oat bar, Soya yoghurt and fruit,
Snacks-fruit pieces,Cashew nuts.
Dinner-A huge portion of lasagne but it wasnt a binge me and my housemate cooked way too much haha, it was lovely though, i might have a yoghurt later before bed.

I also had a quite interesting conversation with my friend today we were talkin about a girl in our class and i was saying i think she was a really good dancer but then she commented on the fact she keepws puttin on wieght and that theres no point having her facility and talent if you dont have the determenation and will power with food to look after yourself...and although it was a bit cut throat she was right..my body is my tool and if i dont look after it to the best of my ability it doesnt read well to employers...was just interesting to see things from another point of view for some reason i thought people would just understand but they obvisouly dont if theyve never had an ED.

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey girl..yeah I bet it is really hard being in a dancing environment with everyone always trying to keep that "perfect" dancing body. I understand how it is important for you to stay a certain size..that pressure must be tough. I can see how it would be hard to find out how much you really should be eating when others around you are either restricting or eating whatever they want. I get that you want to lose some weight and that is totally fine. But until you kick the binges that won't happen. So focusing on getting rid of the binges and eating normally is the first step and then the weight loss will follow. Yeah for the amount of physical activity you are doing every day you probably NEED to eat a good amount of food or your body will demand a binge to get what it needs. So if anything increasing your intake a little will do nothing but help ward off the binges. And I promise with all that dancing you are doing every day, you aren't going to gain weight. Learning to listen to your body when it says its hungry and then eating will be key for you. Thats interesting what your friend said today...it is hard for people without EDs to understand that its not a willpower thing at all. Anyways your doing great...keep it up! ~Lauren

Posted 7 months ago #
Sarah
Member

Ye lauren your totally right...so wise youve hit the nail on the head with me, i just need to begin to put this into practice...im trying to focus on having a healthy relationship with food rather then loosing weight..so what kind of helps is just stopping for a moment just before i want to eat something or buy something to eat that could be a possible binge and ask myself WHY? and if the answer is im bored or lonely then i dont have it, because thats just feeding my emotions really, also even if i do end up binging slightly i like to ask myself why and get to the root of why it happened so that i can at least learn from my mistake...
Have you ever told anyone about your ED, iv spoken to doctors and i tink afew of my friends were obviously knew when i was anorexic but we never actually spoke about it. I often think what it would be like if everybody just knew would it be better or worse, i suppose im just afraid people would treat me different in eating situations (like watch me) and that might make things a whole lot worse..
Anyway today i had:
Breaksfast: Yoghurt with blueberries and oats and coffee
Snack:Cashew nuts and small apple
Lunch:Veg stir fry with black bean sauce with noodles
Snack:KiWi
Dinner Chicken and roasted veg and a yoghurt after
Evening munches after we got back from driving around london for waaay long: 1 toasted bagel and 2biscuits with tea.YUM
Done about 5-6hours dancing today im pooped iv got a rehearsal tommorow afternoon then straight to do a long ass shift at the bar so its gonna be a late night need to go food shopping tommorow morning to prepare some meals so i dont end up grabbing junk from the venders!!

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey girl..sounds like you are doing exactly what you need to be doing. Evaluating whether you are actually hungry or eating just for emotional reasons is really important, along with figuring what triggered the binge if you have one. This isn't about doing anything perfectly here, its about learning and moving forward. I am really open about my ED..all my family knows, and most of my friends know. People have been really understanding and I feel like it has helped people better understand me and why I've had periods where I have been in a total funk...plus recovering from this ED has become such a big part of my life that I feel like I would hiding a part of my self if I didn't tell people. But when I was in the middle of it I felt like you do, I didn't want people to know and judge me each time I was eating or to be watching out for it....so I think its a really personal decision. Wow 5 hours of dancing girl....unbelievable!! Hope you are having a nice day! Hugs, Lauren

Posted 7 months ago #
Sarah
Member

Thanks lauren it means alot that your looking at my journal and helping me see sense, honestly it is great to have somebody elses perspective on things and especially somebody that understands so thank you for that.
Il be brief because its like 3am and im just in from a LONG LONG shift at the club tonight..
Breakfast: Toasted raisin and cinnimon Bagel,a yoghurt and Coffee
Snack:Apple
Lunch: Rice crispie sqaure,ki-wi and diet coke
Snack:Cashews
Dinner: Spinach and ricotta canelloni and a yoghurt after
After work (about 10hours later) Chicken sandwich and 3biscuits and a small yoghurt..
As u may see i do luurrv yoghurt i was SO HUNGRY when i got in from work tonight i know if i had of slept on an empty stomach that tommorow id overeat loads, and also i dont think i ate enough today before work considering i had rehearsals in the morning then an hour long walk to work then a 8hour shift running up and down a bar...
Im glad i havent eaten my housemates food though shes gone away for the weekend and usually id eat her nice stuff like biscuits and that and then just go and replace them the next day (god forbid i buy my own!!) well someday hopefully i will be able to do that and be in control....

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Your welcome Chantelle! Wow it sounds like you had an incredibly long, busy day! That meal after work was completely justified! It sounds like you didn't have much during the day, especially that lunch, so I can imagine you were STARVING at work! Great job listening to your body when you got home and eating! You will be able to have your own biscuits and stay in control one day...promise. Just keep moving forward girl. Hugs, L

Posted 7 months ago #
Sarah
Member

I sure hope so i love cookies i could eat a million of them!! So today was SUCH a lazy day, and even though i ate before bed last night i woke up by hunger i felt really dizzy aswell so
Breakfast: Special K cereal and a small slice of toast with coffee
Snack: Apple and yoghurt
Lunch: Bagel and diet coke
Dinner: Spinach and ricotta canelloni
So after dinner there was no one around and i was suppose to be working in the bar tonight but i got a text saying it wasnt busy so i didnt have to come in and i had two offers to go out and meet with a kind of Ex or go with my friend to collect her boyfriend both would have included getting numerous tubes around london and i was just up for relaxing in my pyjamas all day because I NEVER get a day off!! so i opted for neither but then suddenly i just couldnt wait for my housemate to leave so i could have dessert?? I ate a small portion of Ice cream with kit kat on top then my other housemate got home just before i was probably going into full binge mode, he had alot of things to do so i said id go to the shop for him to get bread and milk for our breakfast...on the walk there i was anxious i didnt want to buy lots of chocolate and eat it in private coz id had some dessert?? and then i realised you know what i only had that dessert because i was stopping myself from going to the shop and buying cookies, so when i got to the shop I was like Im gonna buy cookies and not feel guilty about it because ive wanted them all week so i got them and some icecream and got back home and shared them with my housemate and ye ive had prob more calories then ive needed today because ive been just lounging around in my pj's but who cares?? I wanted to eat them I didnt eat them in private and enjoyed my sweets tonight!! Im not gonna put myself down because im the one who has to pick myself up again!
Monday tommorow busy busy week ahead hope i can still post properly, also i think i overcame having a binge tonight because of reading Jaqui's journal today so if by some chance shes reading this thank you, love reading everybodies posts good and bad i think were all doing a great job helping each other and i cant beleive how positive this site actually is!! go us.xx

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Chantelle! I think having that ice cream was fine and realizing that what you really wanted was the cookies and letting yourself get a few and eat them with your roomie in moderation was brilliant! Well done! And absolutely no worries about having a few extra calories on a lazy day because girl you dance enough during the week to easily deserve some treat days!! I don't blame you about wanting to have a PJs day..those are the best! Have a great night! ~Lauren

Posted 7 months ago #
Sarah
Member

Thanks lauren i do lurv a PJ day and i think it was well needed although i did feel very full after my dessert last night i didnt feel guilty at all and therefor i stopped eating after that when before i might have thought "oh well ive started now so i may aswell have as much bad food as possible tonight and start fresh tommorow" what a joke right?
So im totally burned out after today i had a 13hour day about nine of them spent dancing full on, my legs feel like jelly because i havent been training all week due to tonsilitus but i done well with the food front today:
Breakfast:Boiled egg with half slice of brown bread
Snack:Cashew nuts
Lunch:Porridge and blueberries, lots of fruit with soya yoghurt
Snack in between classes:2ryvita and 2ki wi's
Dinner: Slice of Pizza and some beans on toast followed by WW yoghurt.

Then during one of my rehearsals late in the evening we sent one of the boys out to get us food from the shop i asked for a cereal bar but he came back with a Twix cause there were no cereal bars, i just didnt know what to do? i know its stupid but it just wasnt in my "plan" so i just took it ate one half then gave the other half to a friend im really startin to believe that taking the guilt away is reducing the stress of food and helping me not binge..im so tired tonight im not even gonna blowdry my hair im hitting the hay now, over and out xxx

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey girl...yeah that "eat all now and start fresh tomorrow" is definitely a joke and a mind game us bingers play! Girl I don't know how you dance for NINE hours and not eat 3 times what you do! I would be passing out if I ate what you ate with that much dancing!! Geez...not being critical, just amazed! I think its great you had 1/2 the twix and shared the rest with a friend..taking away the guilt associated with food definitely does help. Get some sleep..hope your jello legs feel better tomorrow ~L

Posted 7 months ago #
Sarah
Member

hey lauren well all my days arent as long as that but they are very active, and because dancing is an anaerobic type of exercise it doesnt really burn fat so you have to watch what you eat and also your body gets very used to the exercise so its good to vary it when you can and maybe do some aerobic stuff in the holidays,
So today my body was aching but it was another quite succesful day im really tired writing this and feel guilty that i cant read more peoples journals but my eyes are failing on me lol so il have to have a look at the weekend when im less tired i love reading other peoples posts, its stragely reassuring...
Breakfast: Boiled egg with half slice of brown bread and vitamin drink
Snack: Cashew nuts
Lunch: porridge with blueberries, fruit and yoghurt with cup of tea
Snack:Raisins
Dinner: Aubergine and chicken bake followed by a yoghurt ( i eat way to many yoghurts lol i love em!!)
Snack: Salted ice cakes.
Does anyone know how to put a profile picture on?? I dont want to be a shadow head anymore lol

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Ahh Chantelle that makes sense! I get too how your body would get used to it...ok so I don't have to worry about you passing out walking down the street So glad to hear you had another good day! Food looks good...hope you are getting some good sleep! btw go to http://www.gravatar.com and then you register for an account and upload a picture and it will automatically populate to this site. xoxo ~L

Posted 7 months ago #
Sarah
Member

Yes lauren i had an amazing sleep last night and today wasnt too stressful either i didnt have any rehearsals and only done 3 and a half hours of class, because we had singing and acting lessons in the afternoon which means i got to sit on my ass, but it was nice, I was way hungry today though i actually get more hungry when im less active i think its my body trying to stock up for the days ahead,
So today was:
Breakfast: Specia K cereal and a vitamin drink
Snack: fruit and cashew nuts
Lunch: Porridge with blueberries,a granola bar and yoghurt
Snack:raisins
Dinner:Sweet patatoe with beans and a yoghurt
Later: Some toffee icecream left over from the weekend with crumbled biscuits on top
So the evening was a little strange it nearly went into a binge but i think i resisted, my housemate had some CHOCOLATE SPREAD and this is one of my WORST binging set offs i could actually just sit down and eat a jar of nutella with a spoon!! So after i tasted that i had to make my little dessert cause i had a taste for something sweet...But then i went into binge thinking mode like oh screw it i may aswell just eat the rest of my bagels with chocolate spread iv fucked up my healthy eating today...but i took a step back and told myself i didnt need it, i had my treat leave it at that, I read some were before that your diet is ok if its 80% good things and 20% not so good...so i think its about right today?

Posted 7 months ago #
Sez
Member

Heya, just been reading your posts... looks like you are doing really well with your food right now, that's awesome that you managed to stop after one bowl of ice cream!! Thats given me even more hope that I can do that too!
I reakon the 80/20 thing is a good idea as well I'll think thats what I'm going to strive for.
You must be incredibly fit with all the dancing you do! And I def know how that puts the pressure on to be thin as I use to do a lot of middle distance running where there was a lot of pressure to be thin as well.
Anyway good luck with the rest of ya day!!
xxx Sarah

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Chantelle..that 80-20 theory sounds good to me. I bet your body does stock up on days when you aren't exercising! Man I feel you with the nutella! When I was in Ghana I tried nutella for the first time and they kept it stocked at the volunteer house I was living at and I would load it on bread or eat it with a spoon..I probably binged on 5 jars of it and gained 20 pounds in two months from it! No joke! Evil nutella! Well sounds like you are doing well! Hugs, L

Posted 7 months ago #
Sarah
Member

ye i know lauren nutella and toast yuuuuumy, but actually feel abit sick if i eat more than one slice now cause i get flashbacks lol, so its not been a great weekend for me infact its one id rather forget about, On thursday evening i had a show it was a choreographic competition and we won so to celebrate on the way home we bought some icecream and malteasers so i had loads of crap with my friends before bed the next day i felt really shitty (like food hangover) and was really upset all day in college that evening i barely ate cause i was feeling so bad about myself my housemates friends came down and we went to the pub i drank so much that i passed out..(i know pretty shameful) Then i was so hungover i couldnt go to work the next day and so i had chocolate and pizza that evening cause i was so full i woke up today determind not to lead the guilt into a binge but for breakfast iv just had a bagel and about 10chocolate biscuits...im in work soon and i feel awful, my body is rejecting this treatment and i dont blame it, i hope my whole day isnt ruined and i have the power to change it around...i guess i didnt come on and post all weekend because i was so ashamed...im going to need some serious sorting my life out this week..

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Chantelle..oh I'm sorry that you've had a tough weekend..I know you feel ashamed but we all love you and never judge. If you need support never hesitate to get on here. So it was a hard weekend but now its over..you can get yourself back on track. Just remember how good your body felt when you were treating it kindly. You can do this friend. BIG HUGS, Lauren

Posted 7 months ago #
Sarah
Member

thank yo uso much lauren i nearly full on binged there again but witheld after i read your comment, thank you for being you and thank you for making a difference to my life already!! So i ate really crappy today but i wouldnt call it complete binge mode i had abit of a food hangover today...yuk but i am trying to remember what it feels like to be kind to my body and healthy again, i think ive genuinly not been happy this week and really stressed i have been turning to food rather than confronting my issues and also so many people have been commenting lately on how much weight ive lost and how "good i look" and for some reason every time this happens i justify myself that i can eat like i used to again...i really dont know how to overcome this, its how i began bingeing because after being bulimic and losing so much weight i thought i could eat what i like and then it just all spiralled out of control...
So heres what i ate today..
Breakfast: Bagel, One piece of bread with nutella, 10 chocolate hob nobs.(mini binge)
Went to work for 12hours with no break at the bar had a small piece of bread with ham on it and a diet coke at about 8 in the evening,
Got home had slice of toast and prob another 10biscuits and a pepporami.
Was just about to full on binge after that but im in bed now and im going to fight the urge...pfff im so glad this week is over...im never drinking alcohol again either it just makes problems worse!! how does my brain just refuse to function sometimes!!

Posted 7 months ago #
Sez
Member

Oh dear, alcohol makes tings worse for me too! I had a mini binge at 5am on Sunday morning after a big night out on Saturday.
Its good that you managed to stop yourself from having a full on binge this evening and overall it doesn't sound like you really had to much food today, especially with 12 hours of work.
Tomorrow is a fresh week =)
Love Sarah xxx

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Oh Chantelle I am so glad that reading that post helped you stop a binge. That makes me happy friend. Well those food hung-over days do suck but just keep focusing on wanting to treat your body well and feel good. I know you will get yourself back on track this week. I think even when we have hard, stressful days its important to just feel our way thru them even though they do suck. Food never makes any problems solved or better, just worse. I know how you feel about bingeing when people are saying you look skinny, I used to do that when I was losing weight, as a form of self-sabotage I think. Now I just tell myself that I do look good and I do deserve to look my best and that seems to help a bit. Well hang tight tonight...go to sleep and wake up fresh and ready to tackle a new day! Big hugs, L

Posted 7 months ago #
Sarah
Member

Thank you sarah, well i dont reguarly drink that much that im that bad i do like going clubbing and having a few drinks but i can always control myself i dont no what happened this weekend!! But when im hungover my stomach is like a bottomless pit and all i want is greasy food, so if im out the night before i try and have some toast and water before i go to bed so i dont go overboard the next day also...coffee is an another amazing one i couldnt live without it, but when im training i dont drink so i broke the rules this week and totally paid for it today!!
Thanks for your support Lauren I will try and tell myself those things also but I wonder why we do try and sabbotage ourselves when were doing so well, and does going binge free for a long time mean possible recovery or a diet going very well for me? Sometimes im not sure of the difference so i try to base it around how i feel when im eating the food...but im definatly getting better at recognising the out of control bingein behavoir were you feel like somebody has just lifted you out of your body and your mindlessly eating like youve never seen food before!!lol
So thankfully today was a good day well food wise it was other than that it was pretty awful because mondays are not my best friend.
So today was : 6hours dancing/training
Breakfast: Fruit and yoghurt with a slice of brown toast
Snack: Peppperami and cashew nuts
Lunch: Porridge and blueberries, a yoghurt and apple
Snack: Seeded ryvita
Dinner: Sweet patato and chicken
Snack: Rice cakes and yoghurt
Also picked on sum pepporami and garlic dip in the evening...my breath should be errr interesting tommorow lol.
Also I read an article today about the new website Twitter and they have all these new diet websites that people go on and can twitter exactly everything theyve eaten that day and calculate their weightloss ect. (personally i think thats dangerous and can get obbsessive to anybody) but there was a point made in the article that writing about it everyday can make you more obbsessed with it than you usually would be and i was wondering if anybody on here might have thought that about posting a journal every night might make you think about things too much?? Im not sure what i feel on this yet...well anyway just a thought, hope you girls are doing amazing xxx

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Chantelle! YAY glad you have had a nice Monday! Hmm yeah the Twitter thing seems a bit extreme if you are posting after each time you eat. You know some people don't like posting their food journal on here because it makes them think too much about what they're eating, and thats fine, I think its a personal thing. Others like the accountability factor. Honestly the only reason I do it now is because I like everyone to see the yummy food I eat each day And to show people that you can eat sweets, delicious food, restaurant food, healthy food all mixed in together and be ok and not gaining weight...I guess thats the real reason I do it. But I think its up to you! Also, your question about being binge-free and not sure whether you are dieting well or in recovery...well I have done both so I can def. tell you the difference. When I was binge-free for 10 months and just dieting really well...I was still terrified of food. I ate the same thing almost every day, counted calories, had no life because I was too fearful to veer from my diet or face restaurant food....so I was super regimented and the rest of my life came after keeping my diet. Now in recovery I am still vigilant against the binge-monster but I feel complete freedom with food, no fear anymore with eating, having friends and a life...so I think thats the difference...does that make sense? Hope you have a great night! Love, L

Posted 7 months ago #
Sez
Member

Gidday,
Yuuus, someone else who calls porridge porridge lol!!
I think Laurens the best person to explain the difference between the diet going well and the recovery. She explained it very well to me and now I understand. I'll leave out the details as I notice she has explained above anyway.
As for my thoughts on my journal each night, yes it has made me think about things more, but obviously it has been in a good way. I've really been loving recieving so much support and also giving others tips. Plus reading back on my journal is helping me to see how far I have come in the past 9 days. Also since I started posting I have gone 9 days without binging. This is the longest for me in like forever!!!
Hope you have a good sleep,
xxx Love Sarah

Posted 7 months ago #
Sarah
Member

lauren - thanks hun actually i truelly do believe that i had full freedom with food the past 3months but somewere along the way like after christmas for some reason i slowly began to slip back into old methods of thinking like binge ways...i think it was because over christmas i wasnt dancing and im not really sane if im not dancing!!lol and although the ways of thinking were not as bad as the were when i was really badly suffering from BED it was begining to lead that way but im trying to nip it in the bud now and get back on track.
Sez thanks so much for the support iv been reading your journal and your doing great and toatlly onthe right track, i like your method of thinking its positive and helpful its true that its nice to have a record even if there are downs aswell i can see how i picked myself up again..
So yesterday was ok i had pizza for dinner with my housemate but for sum reason i insisted on getting the take away one and we got one from the supermarket i guess i was trying to save calories which didnt work coz i had a minor binge then after had afew biscuits and 4yoghurts throughout the evening even though i was totally full!!but i just moved on today and decided to not let it effect me because thats letting BED win me over again!!
I nearly binged after dinner today but i noticed i sit around in the kitchen waaaay to long after i eat and its because im totally just putting off doing boring chores that need to be done like my washing up, getting my stuff packed for tommorow, making my lunch blah blah you know that night before stuff!! So i just got up and done it i know when im getting pleasure of eating on my own isolated that its leading my down a bad path!!
So today i woke up late and BAD GIRL skipped breakfast i was way late for college
Lunch: Fruit, YOghurt, Ryvita, diet coke and coffee (caffiene fix from waking up late)
Snack:Cereal bar and diet coke
Dinner:Noodles with chicken and veg and cheese
Snack: Yoghurt and grapes
Its quite late now but im still abit hungry soi might have a little snakc before bed hope your all well and still doing amazing!!

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Chantelle! Thats great that you had 3 months where you felt like you were having a healthy relationship with food...I bet with all that dancing it would be easy to feel guilty when you were on vacation and not dancing...that binge monster creeps in so quickly. I don't think what you had last night after dinner classifies as a binge..maybe an over eat. But its great you aren't dwellin on it and tonight you did what you needed to to avoid bingeing post dinner! Hope you have a nice night! Hugs, Loz

Posted 7 months ago #
Sez
Member

Hey Hey!!
Great work, not letting your little bit of a snack attack (my name for it lol) turn in to a binge was really well done!
I find that if after dinner I go sit back down in front of the TV thats a real bad thing for me to do (like you sitting round the kitchen) it just seems to lead me right back to the pantry. SO its great that you got on with your jobs and avoided the binge monster yet again! Shame on him, you beat him twice in 2 days, he can just go sit in his cave and not come back out.
Excuse all my funny language tonight!
Have a good sleep xx SEZ

Posted 7 months ago #
Sarah
Member

Hay lauren and sez haha thank you so much your posts have really cheered me up(haha i love the new saying snack attack good oooone!!) and yes i agree it is so easy for the bigne monster to creep its way back out of my life so i think i need to be more aware that this can happen and be sensible about it because sometimes i think when ive been doing really well for a long spurt of time that im "recovered" but i know its not as quick fix and easy as that its still a coping mechanism when things get tough that takes a long time to get totally away from but day by day eh!!
So today was a good day i realy focsed on not trying to lose weight and so many times today i wanted to restrict because i knew i easily could have especially because ive over ate abit this week but i think i done ok
Exercise/training-5hours dancing with body conditioning
Breaky: Porridge with soya protein powder and blueberries
Lunch: Fruit salad, a nutri grain bar and a fruit corner yoghurt plus some ryvita
Dinner: Beans, egg and cheese on 1 slice of bread
Later in the evening i felt i hadnt really ate that much today so i had a toasted bagel and some turkey slices.
So im really happy its friday tommorow thank god this week has been abit of a let down!!

Posted 7 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Chantelle! Yeah unfortunately bingeing will probably always be a coping mechanism we will carry around with us that we will have to stay vigilant fighting against...although it does get easier with time. I'm glad you didn't let yourself restrict today! Your food looks good..probably good you had that bagel snackey time with all that dancing you did! Happy Friday friend! Hugs, loz

Posted 6 months ago #
Zaina
Member

hi Chantelle ,, i like ur spirit , u dnt beat urself up 4 making a mistake or have a small binge ..good luck
Zaina

Posted 6 months ago #
Sez
Member

Hey Chantelle,
It's good to hear you have been listening to your body and not restricting even though you would have liked to!
It was a good decision to have the bagel later on that night as it def didn't look like you had eaten much that day, spesh with the 5 hours of training! WOW!!
Have a great weekend
xoxox Sarah

Posted 6 months ago #
Sarah
Member

Hay lauren, thanks for letting me know it will get easier in time, ive already seen small changes in my attitude towards food and although im not exactly were i want to be im getting there and think it will be strange when i actually start to deal with my emotions properly but the more i post the more i realise i binge when im procrastinating against doing boring things or when my life lacks fun...(I never EVER binge i meet fun new friends or guys) But when life gets a bit complacent i think i binge to try and spice it up a bit and create a problem...hope that makes sense lol!
Hay Sez thanks for your support ive been following your journal as well and your doing great your frame of mind is great and you seem like a cool positive person at the moment so i hope thats coming across to your friends and family in everyday life now!! I used to be such a grumpy biatch when i was badly bingeing (too much sneakin about!)
Hay Zaina thanks for your support hope you keep posting in your journal and we can try help each other along the way!! The more the merrrier!!
So yesterday evening i went to meet a friend i used to train with iv been putting it off for ages because were both alwasy so bust and tired but it was great we went to central london had wine(only like 2glasses im a light weight!) and catch up chats and ended up having a meal in china town at 3am i got a curry and it was lovely didnt stress one bit!! Im back home today and im in work in afew hours booooooooo not lookin forward to it cause im a little hung over but hay ho..ive had to be abit extra vigalent today because i tend to binge when im abit hungover, so today i had:
Breakfast: Granola bar and large cappachino
Snack: Apple and oat and raisin cookie
Lunch: Bagel with turkey and rice cakes
Dinner: Bagel and cereal bar.
So this has been abit of a carb tastic day cause its all i can stomach right now, i just had a small bit of cereal there and nearly went into a full on binge but i came on here and posted and now looking back on what ive eaten today ive had plenty plus ive grazed in afew things...Im gonna go shower now then gostart my long ass shift at the bar!! Wish me luck girlies hope your having an amazing weekend.xxx

Posted 6 months ago #
Zaina
Member

good for u for coming here instead of binging

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Chantelle...I absolutely know what you mean. Boredom and a lack of excitement in my life was a HUGE trigger for me. Having a social life and fun things to do has 100% helped with that big time. So when you feel that boredom trigger coming on get on here, call a friend, go for a walk, find something fun to do! I'm glad you had a nice time with your mate! Your food looks fine for today..I love carbtastic days myself Hope work goes well. Hugs, Lauren

Posted 6 months ago #
Sez
Member

Hey hey! BOREDOM was one of my huuuge triggers to. Boredom and loneliness were the only triggers I new I had before coming to this forum!(since coming here I've realized anxiety and low self esteem also play a big part in my ED). Well done on coming on here instead of binging!! That is the best thing to do! I've done it a few times as well and have found it's been helping in a big way! It must have felt really good being able to socialize with your friend, have a few drinks and then even have a meal at 3am! Sounds like you are well on the right track to beating the monster!!
Enjoy your long ass boring shift as much as you can girl!
xxx Sarah

Posted 6 months ago #
Sarah
Member

Soooo its been abit of a hectic weekend, sat night i was in work and when i got in i had like a dinner thing cause I was hungry so i had some lasagne and some biscuit and icecream thing after it, I think i felt kind of strange on sunday i just lost all motivation and decided il just eat whatever i ended up waaaay overeating breakfast was a packet of chocolate biscuits and some weetabix while watching tv it was over the space of an hour, then I had 2bagels for dinner and a cookie with some icecream. I find it quite hard to eat proper meals when im having a lazy day and have no schedual i dont loads of housework and washing and that but other then that i was kind of just in the house all day so i picked on crap.
Today i felt really lethargic after eating quite badly yesterday and i was super tired all day long, and had a really physical day today six hours of real hardcore dancing and some singing coaching my singing teacher stopped halfway through our coaching session and stopped me because she said my voice is exhausted and i needed rest,but the good news is i have a week off next week for half term so happy days..
Todays food was:
Breakfast: Porridge with blackberries and coffee
Snack: Grapes
Lunch: Pack of snack a jacks (my FAV) An apple and a yoghurt
Snack: Sunflower seeded ryvita
Dinner: Spinach and ricotta tortellinie with chorizo and cheese (it was amazing tasted like pizza!!) dessert was a natural yoghurt with some raisins and honey
Snack:A piece of gerbaldi its liek raisin biscuit thing
So im gonna have a shower now and then possibly a cup of tea and the SLEEP hope i will be in better form tommorow guys, love love!!xxx

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Chantelle! Sorry you had a tough day yesterday with some over eating..I agree days where you aren't busy and things aren't structured are just harder in general..but it sounds like you've had a good day food-wise today so nothing to worry about. Wahoo to having a week off next week..so you can look forward to that! Rest that voice of yours Have a nice night! ~L

Posted 6 months ago #
Sez
Member

Hey Chantelle,
Looks like you food for today was pretty good! Sorry to hear you didn't have such a great weekend. I'm sure you would have burnt all the junk food off with your dancing anyway!! I used to have the same problem, I couldn't just sit at home and have a lazy day without pigging out. You must be really looking forward to your rest next week!!
Enjoy the rest of your day!
xxx Sarah

Posted 6 months ago #
Sarah
Member

Thanks guys it really helps me alot coming on here and seeing your posts its good that somebody is listening because i dont talk to anyone else about my eating problems its just not the right time for me yet but i hope one day to be very open about and hopefully help other people.
So today has been another good day:
Breakfast: Weetabix
Snack:Cashew nuts
Lunch: Pack of snack a jacks, Fruit and yoghurt with a coffee
Snakc: a ryvita
Dinner: Egg noodles with chicken and sauce, followed by some blackberries and natural yoghrut for dessert
Snack: A piece of gerabaldi!!
Might have a hot chocolate in a few minutes oo la la!!
Soim trying this new thing of when im thinking of snacking or overeating think ok if someone put a plate of apples infront of me would i eat them(i do like apples) the answer is usually no though but i would eat a packet of biscuits...so i need to see the logic and eat when im hungry!! Also i tend to "borrow" my housemates food quite abit another habbit i want to get out of, she buys lots of biscuits and chocolate and i eat one and just buy her some new ones....eh it would make sense to just buy them for me in the first place...youd think that wouldnt you and she probably does too, but i cant trust myself with having it in my cupboard at the moment but i want to stop borrowing hers...yeeellp xx

Posted 6 months ago #
Sez
Member

Hey Girl!!
Oooh yum go the hot choccie!! Your apple idea is a pretty good one for helping to figure out if you really are hungry, just remember to allow yourself a couple of bikkies sometimes (even if you don't feel like an apple ) I used to always do the same thing as you, I would "borrow" my flat mates peanut butter and eat the whole container and then have to buy them a new one. Embarrassing story .. Once they had a new container and had taken like 2 scoops out of it, when no one was home I ate the entire rest of the container (was a big binge day that day) then I went out and got a new one and took 2 scoops out of it and put it back so they wouldn't know... I think I repeated that will honey roasted cashew nuts too .. oh dear I do hope those days are over as I'm off to a new flat next week!!
Hope you have a great evening!!!! And a binge free one too!
xxx Sarah

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey girl..yeah I like that to look at the apple and think about whether you are hungry or not...although it is ok to have a biscuit if you are craving one. The key is not eating a packet of biscuits by telling yourself you can have another biscuit again when you really want it. Hmm I would try stocking your own food if you are willing to eat your roomies then there is no difference between eating yours or eating hers..the temptation is there either way, you know? But then that way you can experiment with eating what you want in moderation without feeling guilty about eating your roomies food. Well your food looks good for today! Hope you have a nice night! ~Loz

Posted 6 months ago #
Sarah
Member

Hay guys thanks for the feedback omg sarah i have TOTALLY done the exact same thing like about a month ago my housemate had a 5pack of kitkat chunkys and a large bar of galaxy well shed already eaten 2kitkats out of the back and taken afew sqaures of the galaxy i ate it all then went out and bought new ones and opened the bar and took away afew sqaures and took 2kitkats out of the five pack, but she totally caught onto it cause she asked me if i bought her a new bar and then ate some cause she has like this wierd picture memory!!I felt like dying of shame after that i just denied it and made her feel like she was being silly!!
Thats a good poit lauren i dont know why but if i buy the "nice" food myself i just feel like its ok to eat it and the mind games that go on when its all there in my cuboard is too much for me but i will try and slowly introduce treats into my shopping basket one week at a time and buy some things i like,i can sometimes but it takes alot of willpower for me at the moment but if its my housemates il only have one biccy cause shel offer it to me and i wouldnt eat more cause there hers ya no?? Hopefully someday i can buy my own...rome wasnt built in day lol
So today has been a good day so far!! I had 3hours dancing in the morning and then acting and singing auditions through the afternoon they went really well so hopefully il get feedback soon, i love auditions they get me so excited im always buzzing for the day and everything seems to make sense again!
Breakfast: 1.5 weetabix
Snack: Cashew nuts
Lunch: Pack of snack a jacks and fruit and yoghurt
Snack: Granola bar and diet coke
Dinner: Courgette and chorizo with egg noodles in a pasta sauce with natural yoghurt and raisins after.
Snack: some pieces of raisin biscuit and a hot choccy
So i know my diet is pretty much the same mon-fri but thats just because im a poor student lol i cant wait to have money and buy and cook delicous food, i dont think it helps eating the same stuff everyday really cause then if you do over eat you feel out of your regime and foodshouldnt be a regime you should just be able to eat what you feel like but hay ho in time, hope your all doing fab xxx

Posted 6 months ago #
Sez
Member

Gooood morning Haha omg how can she notice something like that!!! I was lucky cause my flatmates were guys, so they never even noticed if I replaced it. Except this one time one of them cooked this reaaaaaally nice chicken pie for dinner and he was planning on having the leftovers for lunch the next day and I ate it before he got home. He was not happy. He didn't say anything, but I could tell cause my other guy flat mate made a point to tell me the next night "Oh btw Sarah remember we only eat the leftovers if we cook that night!" .
Great to see you are having a good day! Hope they get back to you quickly on the auditions.
xxx Sarah

Posted 6 months ago #
Zaina
Member

HI Chantelle , you had a good day with food

and abt being a student ,, i caaaan't wait to be a foreign student in a foreign country so that i dnt have enough money to buy extra food ,it would be sooo much easier LOL

ANd i wish u all the best with ur auditions
xoxo Zaina

Posted 6 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey girl...no worries Rome definitely wasn't built in a day That sounds like a good plan to slowly buy your forbidden foods to keep in your house. Well you can look forward to being a rich famous beautiful dancer/actress who can buy lots of delicious amazing food one day Have a great night! Hugs, Loz

Posted 6 months ago #
Sarah
Member

Hay guys, thank you again for the messages and support means alot!!
Sarah- Ye my housemate has like picture perfect memory its wierd even if someone had sat on her bed shel know but i live with guys too and i agree there definatly less vigalant but if i ate their pie theyd prob fart on me or something their like my little brothers lol, but fun to live with, I havent borrowed anything this week and have just told myself if i want something i can go to the shop and get it and its fine so its been going ok its just the weekends that are tricky!! Also thanks for sharing your embarrassing stories with me it made me feel like normal i was happy to see that other people have embarrising food stories too, oh the shame!! hopefully we can just look back and laugh at them and they will be just a distant memory of a wierd phase in our lives
Zaina- Thank you for your support hunny are you going to be a student soon. its not as fun as you might think, some weeks its beans on taost for the whole week when its bad it makes u want to binge SO BAD because you feel deprived but i guess its the price you pay eh? Hope your doing well sending love to you xx
Lauren- hmm im not sure il ever be rich being a dancer but il be rich in life because il be doing what i love (how cheesey lol) but dont worry hunny if i get famous i wont forget you il give you a shout out and buy u a lifetime supply of vegan cookies!!
So today has been a good day but has had its ups and downs emotionally college really gets to you one moment i was in ballet and getting what you might call a compliment in the dance world and next minute im being slated by my jazz teacher...sometimes you just feel like you cant handle being picked apart anymore and constantly critisised but i suppose its just part of the job!! I also went to the doctor today to go on a new contraceptive pill and i had to be wieghed something i havent done in a LONG time so that was kind of wierd turns out ive lost about 22pounds so im about 9pounds towards my pre binge wieght...i suppose its a good thing but id rather not know what i wiegh and just go by how i feel about my body when i start to bring wieght into the occasion i get obbsessive and think its okto overeat if im at my perfect wieght stupid i know..
So food today was:
Breakfast: 1.5 weetabix and some rice cakes with tea
Snack:Cashews
Lunch: Porridge with blackberries and fruit with yoghurt
Snack: Raisins
Dinner:Courgette and chicken in a tomato sauce with some egg noodle small portion then a burritto my housemate made for me...followed by my beloved natural yoghurt and some mango sugary ting, It was a big dinner but iv been starving today so just going with the flow! Had 5hours dancing today and have a long day tommorow so need to stock p wish me luck!!Also my ex boyfriend is flying over from ireland tommorow to see me im very apprehensive about my eating situation when im around him because he knows about it and is like the bloody food police.

Posted 6 months ago #

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