Bye bye BED – A Journal

[Smiley1980Participant]

Hello everyone. I woke up this morning and did not even think about food. I was bingeing pretty bad last night and I was just feeling the relief of not having to count calories today. No measuring cup, no measuring spoons, no calories, no weight tracker – JUST PEACE!!!

So instead of calculating and thinking what I “should” eat, I just ate what I wanted. Sounds so easy right? It is really not. I did not want anything really. So after one hour I had a bagel with cream cheese and sweet orange jelly on top. It was sooooo good. Usually that already sets me up for bingeing, but not today.

I went to the library and packed some lunch with snacks. We will see how the day goes, but I feel kinda free.

We had coupons in the mail for Popeye`s today, something I NEVER eat unless bingeing. So I asked my husband to go Monday night after work. He was totally in. I think he was wondering what is wrong with me, but as long as it works for him he is all happy hahaha.

So hopefully this whole bingeing crazyness just comes to an end here. I would love it! I just can`t take it no more.

[Smiley1980Participant]

Hey there,

so yesterday was a great day! I felt so good not bingeing. Even did some Yoga before going to bed.

Today my husband told me that we are invited at my in-laws at night for burgers. I hate eating with them. I hate eating Junk Food with them. My mother in law only picks in her food instead of eating it and then always has to talk about “how full” she already is and how “filling” the food is. I know I need to just don`t give a d… but I feel like she is setting the rules of when you have to be full and how much you are allowed to eat. So anyways, I was doing so good until I found out we have to go there.

Had 2 english muffins for breakfast. One with butter and one with PB. But now knowing we have to go there I feel like I have to skip lunch or something.

So for lunch I just had 2 cereal bars and icecream. I know this is not that much, but I feel like it is not healthy enough and I ate very quick (like I would when I binge). So I am pretty much on the edge to a good binge right now.

I can`t afford to binge today though, so I will go ahead and try to use some of the techniques in Rational Recovery and Brain over Binge. I will then go have some melon in the afternoon and the burger at night.

I guess I can be finde. If I want to. It is totally up to me to make the change. Will this day be bingeing or binge free? It`s my responsibility. If I just stay here on my couch, I will be fine. Nobody makes me go to the fridge and stuff my face with food.

[questerParticipant]

Hey Smiley! You’re awesome for ditching the dieting stuff. I think that sounds excellent, and like your first day went really well. I’m sorry to hear today is a bit more stressful with visiting your in-laws. You’re right, you don’t need to binge today. It’s a difficult situation but you will get through it! I’m glad you’re still updating your journal as well. Re: gyms, I guess I’m being irrational but I am not sure I could deal with the anxiety right now. I live on the 5th floor of my building though, and I found at night I can run up and down some of the stairs for exercise so I guess that’s OK. Anyway I know how you feel right now, I ate too much too quickly today (I guess you just feel you ate too quickly), and it could have turned into a binge but I am going to do just like you are and sit here. Post to say how it all works out for sure. Keep your head up.

[Smiley1980Participant]

Hey Quester how funny. I was posting in your journal while you were posting here hahaha.

Yes!!! We can do it. Maybe we should just think “Can I just do it today?” Only today. And yes, I can do it. WE can do it!

I am writing on my bachelorthesis right now and it is kinda stressfull for me. I am taking on line classes, so I don`t have somebody that goes through the same thing. I feel it takes up so much time so look for certain literature and reading all that stuff just to find the one sentence that you need.

I kinda feel though like I dont even want to binge anymore right now. Reading here helps me a lot. It just doesnt make sense to binge, because tomorrow I will have to start over again. I will never change my mind and just stick to bingeing. I will always try to fight it, so why not just win for good? Or like I said earlier, if this is too much pressure on one, why not win for today?

[Smiley1980Participant]

I would like to share a few links with you guys that really help me. I thought maybe somebody else needs a little motivation to stop bingeing too:

http://brainoverbinge.blogspot.com/

http://www.eatwhatyoulovelovewhatyoueat.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sEcdwP2_GY

http://www.thelondoner.me/2012/01/anti-diet.html

[questerParticipant]

Hey! I liked that brain over binge thing. Thanks for the linking. And yes, I know what you mean about the research! It’s so terrible … I think I just want to give up all the time. I consumed some caffeine today and my mood is quite a bit better (was dreadful this morning), so now I’ve finished the presentation and just have to move on to the essays! How did it end up going yesterday Smiley? And what’s your thesis on? Hope you’re well! And keep going. I agree as well – one day at a time! Or even one meal at a time. I screwed up a bit this morning but I managed to stick to time for lunch, and I’m not going to mess up the rest of the day. I don’t know why … maybe I should just drink (lots of) coffee all the time … things seem so much more doable … OK, have a great day!

[Smiley1980Participant]

Hi quester my topic is toxic leadership. Pretty cool topic.

Today i will grab fried chicken and icecream with my husband. Havent had that for a long time since i never allowed myself to eat it.

I have to say since i quit counting calories not bingeing was pretty effortless compared to the prior weeks i had. Even though my first non binge day was a saturday. Usually if i binge all week i binge at the weekend as well

[Smiley1980Participant]

So i am on my 5th binge free day. My eating is what i consider normal. Sometimes i like junk food sometimes i just like to eat what i guess is considered healthy foods.

I finished reading binge over brain and can really recommend it. But rational recovery has a even higher impact on my eating. This might sound weirs but i just feel like the girl from brain over binge makes me be jealous and i feel pressure to recover quick. I feel if u cant recover as quick as her you are not doing it right. I also feel that for me it is not effortless how she described her recovery. I dont know if what i am saying makes sense but rational recovery just does not pressure me. I feel like since he was an alcoholic opposing to having an eating disorder i dont have to compete with him. I just feel like she relapsed twice so i am only allowed to relapse twice and stuff like that

[questerParticipant]

Hey, well done on 5 days! I think I know what you mean about her recovery story making you feel you need to match or compete with it. I’m glad you found another source which helps you without that aspect to it. Well, really, what I want to say is I think five days is AWESOME and keep going!! Could you explain a little about ‘toxic leadership’? (If you don’t mind). I hope work is going OK with you as well. I managed to get my essays in today so … on to the next ones! lol. Have a great day Smiley. I think what you’re doing is great.

[Smiley1980Participant]

I almost binged tonight. I overate pretty bad and it feels bingy, but it is not really a binge.

I had one slice of bread and some yogurt. Then I was so hungry still that I had a 100 calorie pretzel bag and then I ate 3 more. Shoot!!!

I keep thinking about bagels with Nutella, but I know I can have them tomorrow for breakfast, so what is the point of stuffing my face with it now? It is soooo hard sometimes…This came out of nowhere and it scares me. I think I did not eat enough tonight in the first place. I was looking forward to a turkey bacon tomato sandwich and then my husband had other bread so I just joint him.

I just made myself a coffee and grabbed some dark chocolate to get over my cravings…

[Smiley1980Participant]

So after being able to not eat yesterday, today I just gave in. I did not eat that much as I usually would, but it felt like a binge and I just kept looking for food. There just wasn`t anything good. Usually I would go to the supermarket now, but I will not do that. Once I start that it goes down hill for days or even weeks.

I am trying not to be mad at my, but I am kind a disappointed. I wanted to use yesterday and today to read a couple articles for my thesis. But well I ended up doing nothing and now I have a lot of pressure on my shoulders to do all that in like 4 days. I guess I just have to suck it up. I will start posting meal plans from tomorrow on, just to kinda stay in charge and feel like I have to report my food. It just helps I guess. I miss posting my food diaries in my diet diary.

[Smiley1980Participant]

By the way, I quit smoking 10 years ago. I think I had 10 cigarettes ever since (when drunk haha). I quit in January and in the same month I relapsed about 3 to 4 times. Everybody laughed at me for trying and failing right away. But then all of a sudden I just quit. The book I read that helped me was kinda like brain over binge.

Even though I am sitting here after a binge, I still believe in me. I am positive that I can do this, if I only want to. Just like I quit smoking (and I smoked 2 packages a day since I was 15) I will quit bingeing.

[Smiley1980Participant]

So after yesterday I was feeling like I need to check my weight. And I gained weight!!! All those mornings in the gym, the listening to my body and I gained???????????????????

I was so sad, so I went to the store and ate. Go figure!!! Like that makes any sense I know. I am so pissed about the weight gaining…

So I am contemplating about weighing myself every day (what is stupid, it just gets me back into diet mode) or if I just weigh myself weekly, monthly, not at all, buy a tighter jeans to “feel” my progress. I don`t know. I am just upset today. Not even about the bingeing, I am actually looking forward to it (how crazy is that please?).

[Smiley1980Participant]

Good morning everyone,

I feel so horrible after yesterday´s binge. I have three days off and I need to stop this. It is always so hard from home though.

I checked my weight again and of course after yesterday I gained again. I knew that for sure.

I will eat more than usual the remainder of the weekend to stay full and satisfied and not binge again. I will post my meal plan here, but I dont want comments like “you need more nutrition” or something on here. I just try to not binge for now. The nutrition will be the next step I told myself.

I hope you guys understand.

[questerParticipant]

Hey Smiley. Sorry to hear things haven’t been going so great. I don’t know how much you gained, but I don’t think it should be so big a deal if you do gain while recovering. I don’t think weighing yourself is a good idea. I just wonder, how did you feel about yourself before you weighed? I don’t know about you, but while I am trying to eat normally now, I think I would be horrified if I weighed myself but I also feel a lot better. I mean my stomach isn’t bloated and I don’t feel stuffed with anything. I think you should think in the long-term instead. I think it is maybe a bit early to expect changes in weight anyway, since the last time I saw you you were at five days. I think it is important to find a way of eating now that you can stick to, because that will work in the long-term and hopefully weight will then stabilise. I don’t know much about the science of this obviously, but I do feel that your gain shouldn’t be a big deal right now, it’s not the priority for either of us (hopefully), and you were doing really great. If it helps you to write down what you have eaten, or what you are going to eat, think I think that sounds like a plan though! I believe in you as well! Good luck with the next few days.

[Author]

Posts