Hello,
It was my 24th birthday yesterday, and for the first time in years I realised just how bad my situation was when I saw a video of me blowing out the candles on my cake (which I ate most of btw). I have not looked in a mirror for so long, as I am so ashamed of what I have done to myself. I am now a UK size 20 and over 18st.
I feel like I am living a double life. When I am with people I am really happy, and known as being cheery & funny (I'm the stereotypical jolly, fat girl basically). I am really lucky to have amazing people in my life and to have a loving and supportive boyfriend. However, when alone, I feel shame, self-loathing, and desperation. I want to change, but have failed so many times. I let those around me down so often as I make all these promises that I'm going to lose weight and get healthy, but I end up bingeing. My family and boyfriend are worried about me. My boyfriend in particular has been brilliant and tries to understand, but how can you make someone who eats "normally" understand an addiction to food? I hate the look of disappointment on his face when he sees me binge. I only binge around those close to me, but I am much worse when alone. As a teenager I was bulimic, but I managed to control the urge to make myself sick, but the bingeing has just got worse over the years. I binge all the time now and eat at irregular times.
Being fat has ruined my self-image and confidence. I put off going out, as I look terrible no matter what I wear. I used to love going out dancing, but I don't dance because I can't move the same anymore and feel frustrated and get upset when I try. It's like I feel numb about my appearance these days. I work as a teacher and a pupil muttered under his breath about me being fat, but it didn't hurt the way it used to; it's like noone can abuse me more than I already do to myself. My weight fluctuates so much, as I can manage to diet for a couple of weeks/months, but inevitably it all goes back on and more! This year I lost 3st then put it all back on again after my nana died.
I live with my family and they also binge eat. We all have a problem and try to support each other to diet when we are in the "mind set" as we refer to it. However, we all end up giving in together, and making allowances for each other. My mum and I are the worst for this; if one of us is having a bad day we end up having a bad day together. It doesn't work. I feel like it's selfish of me, but I need to concentrate just on my own eating. It's really hard when mum buys loads of sweets, chocolate, and crisps...but it's not her fault, as I'm the one putting it in my mouth!
Something positive from seeing my birthday video is that I am feeling a bit more determined just now to finally beat my eating demons. Hence why I have joined this forum- I need help. I want my 24th to be my year of positive change, and for my 25th birthday to be spent dancing in a gorgeous, little dress ("little" being the operative word here!)
I've rambled on here for ages now, sorry about that, I had a lot I needed to get out. I would greatly appreciate some advice from people who have managed to overcome their problem or people who are also struggling like I am. Thanks for reading!
