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A Model's Nightmare

(28 posts)

Started 1 month ago by audreyL
Latest reply from Sez

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audreyL
Member

Hey all, I'm audrey, university undergrad, 21 this year, and i've been binging for the past one year. I've put on 33lbs or 15kg. scary, right? For the past 5 months or so, my weight has kind of stabilized. I managed to lose more than 10lbs at one point, but have gained 6lbs back, because I'm still binging.

I really hope to tackle binging and let weight loss take its own course. I used to be a model but of course, I'm not anymore. I modelled mainly for online shopping sites, bridal catalogues and fashion magazine spreads. My agency prides itself for not believing in telling models to lose weight, but they tell some of us to 'be careful', 'watch your diet', 'you may want to tone up a little', which we all know are just synonyms for losing weight. All of us have bmi of less than 17. When I gained 8lbs, i knew that my contract would be terminated mid-way soon, so I decided to beat them to the punch and resigned citing medical reasons. I don't know if I'll go back to modelling, but I'm very sure I want to overcome this stupid disorder and be confident of my body again.

I'm trying to tackle this in a sustainable way - meaning that 'lifestyle change' everyone's always talking about - changing my eating habits and choosing healthy foods, whole grains, fruit and vegetables etc. I don't have any problems with fried foods - they just turn me off - but I have huge problems with milk, yogurt, chocolates, cereals and cookies. basically sweet stuff. There hasn't been any chocolate left in the fridge at home lately, so I haven't had chocolate for a month. In other words, I just eat whatever I fancy in the fridge/cabinets. I don't ever miss certain foods or feel deprived, but if a sugary alternative is available, I'll just eat it over a less appealing one. Therefore my first step in tackling this disorder is to snack on fruit and vegetables - no restrictions.

You guys sound awesome btw. I've been reading a couple of posts here and there and I really love the support. I really hope I can emerge victorious!!

My name's audrey, you are?

Posted 1 month ago #
Joyce
Member

Aubrey, my name is Joyce and I'm glad you have decided to join us. I sounds like you are on the right track. Eating healthier and no restricting is a great beginning. Good Luck and keep posting on here. You will find that everyone on this site is very supportive and helpful. I'm looking forward to hearing more from you.

Posted 1 month ago #
iMirm
Member

Audrey. I'm Miriam. Go by Mirm. 21 as well. Welcome friend. I cannot even imagine how difficult it must be to have to give up something you love because of this disorder and I can imagine even less how much pressure there is to stay thin in that kind of field. It sounds like you already have the right ideas to combat this, so I'll save my breath and just say welcome. Really hope this is the first day of many binge free and brighter ones to come.

Chin up lady, you are among friends. Love and hugs

Posted 1 month ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Audrey! Welcome girl! I'm Lauren! Thanks for sharing your story with us...I'm sure trying to keep that stick thin body for modeling was really a lot of pressure...what a tough world to be a part of. Maybe its good you are out of it for now so that you can really focus on recovery and not have that added pressure! I guess thats the bright side. Keep posting girl..you'll find tons of support from all of us here! Best of luck. Hugs, lauren

Posted 1 month ago #
ashwillgetbetter
Member

Hey there, i'm Ash.. and like you have joined recently. I can completely relate to your mentality in trying to change your habits in a more sustainable way, eating more healthy wholesome foods whenever possible.. but of course, whenever there's something more appealing in the cupboard and you're not able to control yourself in that moment.. all hell seems to break loose! So you begin to think fruit and veges as snacks would be so ideal... it would, in a perfect world, but of course there'll always be times when theres no other option than to have something less healthy. I hate to say it, but it's all about balance.. i'm working on it too. Just hope you'll see some progress here, there seems to be many nice & helpful people with similar problems, what better way than to battle them together.. best of luck on your journey and welcome

Posted 1 month ago #
Nat
Member

Hey Audrey, I'm nat so glad you have started your own journal, you will find such great support on here! I am definitely one to binge on sugary food too and I cant say I ever remember going one month without chocolate, dear god woman thats amazing! hahaha. You have done well tapping in to what food you binge on and your snacking idea sounds great. I'm glad that you dont restrict or feel deprived. Keep eating what your body truly feels like, on the surface you might think it wants a whole cake but deep down its probably crying out for a nice home cooked meal with veggies and protein so try to listen carefully and keep in tune with your hunger cues. You are going to do great! Look forward to reading your journal... x

Posted 1 month ago #
audreyL
Member

Hey all! Thanks for your lovely responses I'd love to keep tabs on your journals! I'm new to this so help me out: Is there a way to access your profiles etc to find your personal journals? Or do I have to search through the list of journals on the main page for your name?

Today's Day One and i've only had breakfast so far. Exams are on thursday and I've no school till then - have to study real hard these 2 days! After which it's the chinese new year (i'm american chinese) during which there will be lots of sugary goodies (help! :D), and then school begins again.

Morning exercise: 2.5mile jog
Breakfast: Special K with low-fat milk. my first time trying this cereal!

I've been fighting this for a year now and so today, i woke up and thought that whatever it takes - no one says it's going to be easy and without any determination/self-control - I'm going to get it right this time. i won't let go.

Joyce, thanks so much for your supportive words. I'll definitely keep posting on here! Will catch up on your journal - are you currently working?

Miriam, hey fellow 21-year-old You know, I never knew I would be the one with an eating disorder at such a prime age when I should be enjoying my life and focusing on my studies. That display pic of you is gorgeous, btw! I suppose you're a student as well?

Lauren, that's such a sweet photo as your avatar! Your journal caught my eye because it has more than a THOUSAND posts! Indeed modelling is very pressurizing especially with fellow models judging your body all the time. I don't really meet up with the friends I worked with anymore, though they do know I gained weight. They pretty much assumed it was due to a medical condition like hypothyroidism because I'm always know to be organised, determined, strong-willed and so on, it's kind of hard imagining me as a binge-eater. Well I hope to overcome BED like you did!

Ash, thanks for your support. How old are you? Yup, I get what you mean by 'balance', especially after a year of binge-eating. I've tried so hard to stick to certain foods (e.g. wholemeal sandwich for every breakfast) but I guess I'm the sort that gets bored very easily. I'll make sure to change it up every day, though I still think that eating healthy shall be my priority. It's a habit I want for life. Good luck to you, let's make a change together!

Nat, lol about the chocolate! If there isn't chocolate, I wouldn't have chocolate I'm pretty convinced that cravings are stimulated by looking at food and by adverts! I like what you said about my body crying out for a homecooked meal deep down - it's a good first step for me, to change the ways I'm thinking and listening to my body. Thanks babe! Are you schooling or working now?

Posted 1 month ago #
Joyce
Member

Aubrey, I won't be too hard to find, just look for Joyces' Journal. I'm the grandma here. Many call me Mama Joyce or Mama J on this site. I'm still the oldest member of this forun, I think, no one else has claimed it yet. I am 49, will be 50 in July. I'm married, have 3 grown children, and 3 adorable grandchildren which you will hear a lot about on my journal. Happy to see you have decided to stay with us for a while. Be seeing you around friend. Joyce

Posted 1 month ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Aubrey..well once you find a journal you want to favorite you can go up to where it says Welcome, Aubrey. click on that and then click on Favorites and you can add favorites.

Thanks hon....you can def. get to where I am too! haha yeah I do have a lot of posts..its kind of the running joke here...I guess I tend to ramble a bit

I bet being in that environment would be super hard! I'm glad you feel determined to do what you need to do to beat this thing! You can do it!! Keep posting! Hugs, lauren

Posted 1 month ago #
Nat
Member

Hey Audrey, you have the best attitude that makes me smile My journal is called Nat's Journal if you want to follow Id love it Your food so far sounds good, did you like the Special K? Chinese new year will be fine, I know it! There will be tempting food, let yourself have some if you're craving it but then realise that there are other things you can focus on like the company :). I've finished studying, I now work as a Graphic designer/photographer. Good luck with all your study, keep your eye on the prize of good marks & use it to keep your mind off food. x

Posted 1 month ago #
ashwillgetbetter
Member

Hey Audrey, hope all is going well for you today! I'm 19 and about to start university soon, so getting on top of this problem is something i wanna do asap so i can enjoy everything thats ahead pretty much.. it's dragged on long enough now.

Mmm i'm similar in that i've tried to have the same thing or something pre-arranged everyday for every meal.. it usually works for breakfast but then the control issue always kicks in, and i lose it every now and again. It's about being flexible, making the most of what's available i spose. Having the will to take the healthier option, and being able to have that tasty snack without loads of guilt.

Let's definately work at this together, it's bound to get easier in time!
All the best, Ash xx

Posted 1 month ago #
audreyL
Member

hey all, just a quick post as my exams are tomorrow!
i feel so horrible right now. i woke up early because i wanted to do some revision, but i guess i was so tired even after breakfast, so i took a nap. and i woke up hungry, and binged the morning away it wasn't the quick binge sort, but i ate a hell lot. thankfully no cookies or anything like that, but a hell lot of different sorts of cereal, and also fruit with hummus. i think it amounts to 3000kcal in total.

i'm so stressed out and it's not even lunchtime yet. frankly i think this is one of the worst disorders to have. maybe depression's worse, but BED predisposes to depression anyway. i wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. (or maybe i would. ha.i wish ANYONE else around me would know all that i'm going through by experiencing it for themselves.) my grades have dropped from one of the highest in my university cohort to a near-failure in the past year because of this. i couldn't concentrate every day and there's not a single day when my mind didn't chant, "no binging, no binging today pleassssee."

i dream about going back to modelling at times, and it gets me even more depressed especially when i see how i look in the mirror. i would hate going to school tomorrow for my exams, because i would have to wear the jeans which i bought specially for this size i'm in right now. AND the jeans aren't fitting me too well anymore.

i wish all of us on this forum could be roommates so we could help each other out and keep a good lookout!!

talk to you guys soon...
xoxo,
Audrey

Posted 1 month ago #
Nat
Member

hey audrey im sorry your feeling down today. but this is just a little bump in the road, dont let it get to you. Continue to eat normally for the rest of the day and forget about the binge, its over now. Joyce told me this - whatever the binge voice is saying in your head, do the complete opposite! That really helped me to notice which voice was the wrong one and to slap it in the face and tell it to shut up!

i know how you feel and how depressing BED can get. Just know that we are all here with you. I have thought how cool it would be for us all to live together too.. it seems when half of us are going steady the rest are struggling and vice versa so it would be good to have some sense knocked into you when you felt like binging. But we are here online so come here next time before you feel like binging and try to feed of everyone else's positivity. You can do this, try and get some revision out of the way and you will feel better. xx

Posted 1 month ago #
Joyce
Member

Aubrey, I'm so sorry you had a tough day. I'm sure some of it may be the stress of exams. No worries though, tomorrow is a brand new day. Learn from today's mistakes and get back on track. Don't punish yourself by restricting because that will push you head first into another binge. Just leave today's binge behind, forget all about it, and start fresh tomorrow. You can do it. Here is something that helped me when I was having a difficult time keeping the binge monster at bay. Lauren and Megan used to tell me that they would go with me on my shoulder and in thought to my difficult family get togethers and help me get through the day. So here is what I am going to do for you, I'll be there with you tomorrow, looking over your shoulder, talking to you in your head, telling you that you can eat healthy with no binges. And that you can do this because you are strong! I'll be there, remember that! See you tomorrow! Joyce

Posted 1 month ago #
Lauren
Member

OH Audrey I am so sorry you had such a tough day. I'm sure the bingeing was your way of coping with the stress from your exams..but I know knowing that doesn't make it any easier. I agree that BED is a horrible disorder and it does bring on so much depression, hopelessness, and self-hatred. Just know that you will get your life back from this and find happiness again. Wish I could give you a big hug, Hang in there, Lauren

Posted 1 month ago #
audreyL
Member

hey Nat, Joyce and Lauren, thanks so much for all your kind words. i'm feeling better already, thank you! How long have you guys been binge-free and HOW do you guys do it??? After fighting for a year, I'm at my wit's end. i'm thinking that i mustn't just correct my eating habits, but get the rest of my act together as well. like quit procrastinating and study hard for my finals, or get on with an exercise regime, or tidy up my room each day. Do you think that would help? I'm wondering if these are precipitating factors that cause me to binge - so perhaps I should tackle these alongside as well.

i mustn't let this spiral into a worse situation and quickly put my life back into place. it has really fallen into pieces because i guess throughout my life, my confidence has been revolving around satisfaction with my body and the way i look. i've been modelling since i was 14 - the past 7 years. does it sound so ridiculous that i'm afraid to EXERCISE - to jog around my neighbourhood and get to the gym, because i feel large? i wait till it's dark out before getting my running shoes on, or do it in the early morn when the sun isn't up yet. i just keep thinking about what neighbours would say - "wow, to think she's a model huh? what on EARTH happened to her??"

i'm just paranoid and thinking too much. wake up girl, the larger you are, the more you need to exercise, not the other way round! stop making stupid excuses.

tomorrow, i shall start afresh as Day 1 and i won't let things get to me again. today's Day 0 of course, i can't wreak havoc from now till bedtime

Posted 1 month ago #
Sez
Member

Hey Audrey,
I have just read your journal and I understand that it must have been really difficult in the modeling world with all the pressure to be thin and so what. You seem to have a good attitude towards overcoming BED, the horrible monster that it is!!!!
No it does not sound at all ridiculous that you are afraid to exercise, I don't even think it's that you are afraid to exercise, it seems more than you are afraid of what people will think of you. I have def had periods like this too When I came back to my home town I gained 15pounds and when the people here all last saw me I was super skinny and now i'm not.I thought people would stare and comment, but the good news is- girl, people don't notice as much as you think they will!!! I know you feel like you look alot different, but to other people you are just the same you that they loved before.
I know BED also has a lot to do with restricting your food intake and dieting or obsessive exercise. If you are restricting what you are eating this is usually the best place to start with trying to aid recovery from BED. You should try to get a book on Intuitive Eating (this is in basic terms eating what you want. when you want.) I know there are man more things than just food which cause people to binge (myself included) but it's just a really good first step Hope this helps you!!
xxx Love Sarah

Posted 1 month ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Audrey! I had BED for 4 years and lost and gained 40 pounds twice during that time. On friday I will be binge free for 5 months. I completely know what you mean about being ashamed to work out heavier, that always kept me from the gym because I thought people would notice the weight gain and judge me, but you just have to force yourself to take the focus off caring what others think of you, and do what is best for you and your health. The way that I have been binge free for so long is I completely re-vamped how I think about food, my weight, my body and my life. First, I really tackled intuitive eating. I used to be obsessively healthy eating vegan, all organic, no sugar, sometimes no carbs, counting calories, etc. but now what I do is I eat whenever my body is hungry, whatever I want at that moment, stop when I'm full. Thats the extent of my rules. No calorie counting. Also, I realized that people will never love me for a skinny body, especially when I'm actually just as miserable at 110 pounds as I was at 150 (because I had no life because my dieting and lack of self confidence ruled my life when I got skinny)....they love me for being a kind, happy, caring person regardless of the size of my body! Sure I still wanted to lose weight, but I made that priority number 10. Also, I had socially isolated myself during my 4 years so I made myself get out on the weekends and reconnect with friends.. That helped a ton. Also, finding things that I love to do helped with my boredom trigger. So I think beating BED is about focusing on many areas of your life. Hope this helps! Stay strong and remember you can do this! Hugs, Lauren

Posted 1 month ago #
Nat
Member

Hey Audrey, I started a crash diet and lost weight only to start binging for 6 months now. I've been on and off but the binging has become less frequent and not as big. I've found that Intuitive Eating is by far the best thing that has helped me. When I stick to that, I make such great progress.. but I had a fall out when I started to restrict again (stupid me!) and the binges started all over again. But I have been binge free all this week from Intuitive Eating again so I know its doing something good!

I also found that learning to accept my body the way it is has helped immensely. 'The harder you wish, the more you suffer' so try to realise that you are beautiful and perfect just the way you are and your weight will sort itself out when you get your eating habits under control. You'll have ups and downs but dont let them get to you, its all part of getting better so put it past you and move onto the next day.

x

Posted 1 month ago #
Joyce
Member

Aubrey, sounds like you have been listening to me talking to you from my position on your shoulder. I do believe that you can get your life back in order and beat this binge eating disorder. Maybe it would help if you sit down with a pad of paper and a pen and wrote down a plan of action. Make some short term easy to achieve goals that will all be a part of the steps taken to a binge free life. You can do this! I'll continue to whisper this in your ear, just listen for it and believe it. If you believe it, you can do it!

Posted 1 month ago #
audreyL
Member

Hey all! I want to thank you all for your encouragement. Joyce, you're so right about writing some achievable goals, i'm going to write a couple down now to stay focused in my life. Pls continue whispering into my ear! Sarah, Lauren, Nat - to sum it up, i've learned from you guys that the most important thing is not to restrict myself, and the other thing is to adopt the 'intuitive eating' approach. It'll definitely be hard not to restrict, though I'll attempt at it. If I were to genuinely tell myself "no restrictions", I'd be devouring the entire food cabinet right now. As for intuitive eating, I feel 'unsafe' allowing myself to eat when i feel the need arises, because i'm very prone to overeating. These 2 Top Suggestions From the Experts are indeed tough!! i'll try them out one at a time and any tips would be greatly appreciated.

What's the "transition" like? Did you slowly lessen your binges, or have a day when you totally binged, and the next day you stopped, and then it continued on till now? I can't fathom being successful in eradicating binges and losing weight and getting back into modelling! it's one of my greatest wishes for now. I guess I really have to start believing in myself as Joyce recommends.

So my exams are over. I know the results won't be too pleasant but I came home super determined to get back to the top and I hope this doesn't wear off. Well, at least not too much.

today's Day One, which was easy because the exams took up half the day.
B: wholemeal tuna sandwich
L: aglio olio
i spent the rest of the day out with my friends, finally relaxing, and then i came home and watched G.I. joe on dvd because i missed it at the cinemas 2 months ago. (channing tatum!!) when i looked at the clock, it was 10pm! i had missed dinner without realizing it. i'm getting into bed really soon, though not till i comment on some of your journals. tomorrow's Day Two, and i'll consciously make changes in various aspects of my life, rather than focus on eating. there's so many other things to do and it may require effort but being disciplined definitely beats getting out of control and suffering the consequences. talk to you all tmr!

xoxo,
Audrey

Posted 1 month ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Audrey! I know those top two suggestions seem really challenging, but they are the KEY to recovering..truly recovering...not just losing weight but recovering. I think its ok to hold modeling as a dream for your future, but recovery has to come before the goal of weight loss. I know that is a hard one to let go of, but I think for really getting past the fear of letting yourself have what you want when you are hungry (trusting you body with intuitive eating) you can't have the restrict mentality or the guilt that subconscious dieting brings out. So I think you should think about what your number one goal is, and then if it is getting out of the BED cycles forever, even if it does mean it take even 1 year to lose the weight you want, then jump on board and give it all you have! I used to think too if I said I could have anything I wanted, I would eat my house. But the truth is that I only would do that if I knew that I would feel guilty for eating what I wanted, which would make me binge on it, along with telling myself tomorrow I would never eat it again or start being good. So its getting out of that type of mentality that will let you tackle intuitive eating. Its hard but do-able...and the freedom it brings into your life is well worth it! Sounds like you had a nice relaxing day yesterday! Hope today goes well! Hugs, Lauren

Posted 1 month ago #
Nat
Member

Posted 1 month ago #
Nat
Member

Hey girl,
Definitely give the intuitive eating a go. I was scared too but I just told myself that to get out of this I HAD to relax and NOT feel guilty about ANYTHING that I ate. I went through a stage of overeating a little each day and my binges were more frequent (i used to totally restrict all week and then binge once a week until i was literally sick) but they became less severe. I did put on maybe 2 kgs but was bloated more than anything. When I came out of this stage, I was less hungry and my mind slowly got used to the fact that there were no foods that were off bounds so I craved food a lot less. I still have a slip up every now and then but things are a lot clearer and I can see myself easily stopping at one piece of cake, whereas before I thought that I would never be able to do that. You can do this, dont let the bumps in the road get you down though, its all part of the process to getting better. xx by the way - now that ive been intuitively eating.. ive lost more weight than when i was bloody restricting!!! i think stress plays a big part of weight loss too, if youre too stressed and not getting enough sleep it can make it impossible for you to shift the weight. xxxx

Posted 1 month ago #
audreyL
Member

hey all, i just came on here to tell you guys...i binged!! arrgggh. it all goes back to day one again, i guess. i had a good breakfast this morning, and went on to do some work, but at around 10am, a craving struck, so i had a little bit of PB right from the jar and i stopped. i carried on with my work but i kept thinking about what you guys said - about not restricting and intuitive eating, and i felt that i really wanted to eat my favourite foods. so i had one cookie, and 2 chocolate wafers, and around 3 bowls of various breakfast cereals. i also had around half a slice of wholemeal bread with jam and PB.

i just feel so upset. if restricting and not restricting just aren't working for me, it means i'll be binging for life. this isn't the first time i tried going without restrictions too - but probably the sixth or seventh time. but in any case, i'm just going back to restricting myself of unhealthy foods because i binge less.

Posted 1 month ago #
Joyce
Member

Aubrey, I don't believe in starting over at day one. When you have already made progress, there is no need to delete all that and start over. If you take 5 steps forward and one step back, you aren't back where you began, you are just one step back. You can get right back to taking those steps forward tomorrow. You will figure out what you need to do to beat this BED. The recipe for success isn't the same for everyone. There are certain things like not restricting that seems to work for most of us, but this journey is a very individual one. Your recipe for success won't look just like mine. Be patient, forgive yourself, do not punish yourself, and get right back on track to a binge free tomorrow. It is important to remember that the goal is to have more good days than bad, and I think you are on your way to a lot of good days.

I will stick with you and continue to whisper in your ear. "You can do this, you are not alone!"

Posted 1 month ago #
Lauren
Member

Oh honey I'm sorry you had a rough day...well look this isn't about being perfect and snapping our fingers and having BED (god I wish it had been that easy) but about having small setback where you learn why you binged so you can prevent it from causing another binge in the future. Ok so you had a good breakfast then a craving hit you at 10 am. You said you wanted some PB...so what I'm wondering is when you had some from the jar did you feel guilty afterwards and think F this? What I do when I have a craving is I tell myself beforehand ok its totally ok to have some _____. I'm going to have a small amount, enjoy every bite and feel no guilt afterwards. So maybe taking a spoonful of PB back to the table and eating it slowly and enjoying it and then telling yourself after..that was good, if I want more later, I can have it, no problem. A lot of the way that eating what you want when you are hungry works is that you have to kind of talk differently to yourself with your thoughts. Because if you have a craving, give in, and feel guilty, then that will set you up to going crazy on other foods and lead to a binge. Also, sometimes you have to really look and say am I just craving a food or am I wanting to eat it to cope with a certain emotion (sadness, anxiety, boredom etc) if that is the case, then its about developing other things to do when those triggers make you want to binge..... Hang in there girl. Keep on continuing on because I promise it works. BIg hugs, Lauren

Posted 4 weeks ago #
Sez
Member

Audrey, it's all right that you binged! It will take time to get this right. When we say allowing yourself anything you like what we mean is just that, but you have got to realize when you are full as well It's hard to explain, but was the reason you binged because you are still subconsciously saying to yourself "I will only have this amount of food today" or "Eating PB straight from the jar is gross, I shouldn't do that". I know the other day I had a few spoons of PB and that all most started a big binge, because I was still subconsciously thinking that I shouldn't be doing it or that it was a bad thing to do and it would make me fat. Stop focusing on weight loss for now, just make it an aim to maintain. Your binge weight will come off, but you do need to be patient. If you are trying to lose weight it's more likely to spur on binges.
Personally I have tried to stop binging many, many times. The only things different about this time are I am NOT trying to lose weight, I am eating whenever I want when I feel hungry, I make a big effort NOT to count any calories, If I screw up and eat to much I don't let myself feel guilty!!So far I have gone 20 days (I've never been longer than a week before now) I have seriously tried sooo many times before but every single other time I was on some type of diet or weight loss routine. None of them EVER worked.
I really hope this helps. xxx Sarah

Posted 4 weeks ago #

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