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Amanda's! back journal

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Started 2 months ago by amanda918
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amanda918
Member

Hello all! I'm back... not sure why I left, but sometimes I get so caught up with everything going on that I find it's easier to ignore my problems by not writing on here. Lately, I've been binging, not an awful amount, but not binge free like I would like. I'm becoming more accepting of my changed body, but still want and need to loose weight to fit into my jeans and look better in my clothes. I think that most of my recent binging is coming from the constant need to readjust from going to school and home. Lately, because of exams and long breaks in between, I've been back and forth a lot at school. My pattern is usually to binge right before I go back to school and then get back on track, but then I binge again right before I come home but then once I'm home I get back on track again. I'm not quite sure why this has been happening in that pattern lately but am interested to find out. I've been doing some investigating in the counseling area, but I'd rather not get involved with one because that would require me telling my parents and I don't want them to worry. They know about my general "food issues" but not the specifics of my disorders. I do group therapy up at school so I might just stick with that. Anyway, I'm going to try and journal at least once a day about whatever I want. I'm not trying to be binge free for a certain amount of days, or journal all my food, or count a specific amount of calories. Those things seem to always set me up for failure and feelings of guilt. RIght now, the most important thing for me is to work on me. I need to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life and this disorder can't be a part of it. Well, feels good to get all that out! Anyway, how is everyone else doing? Glad to see some of my girliesss are still here going strong!!

Posted 2 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Amanda..glad you are back! Hmm..that is interesting about bingeing right before going back to school or going home...not sure what the reason could be? Are you happy with your college life and family life or is something about them triggering you to binge. Looking forward to reading how you are doing. You can do this! Hugs, Lauren

Posted 2 months ago #
amanda918
Member

Hey lauren thanks for the response! Ummmm I'm super happy with my family life and I absolutly LOVE being home. I've made some great friends up at college, but I'm honestly not too happy with the school. I'm actually considering a transfer next year and a total major change. My major now is nutritional science (don't laugh!) and it's something that I've wanted to do long before my eating disorders began. However, now I'm thinking that I should completely change my focus and follow something else I love... perhaps fashion merchandising! And the fashion institute of technology being in new york, I would LOVE it to say the least. So I have a lot of decisions to make right now, but I'm just trying to relax about it and really focus on doing what I truely want to do.

Posted 2 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Thats great that thing are really good with your family and that you have made really good friends at college. Maybe the bingeing is related to not being happy with your school and the anxiety that you feel that maybe you should be going down a different path? The fashion merchandising sounds really cool...especially going to FIT in NYC!!! Hmmm...well think it out, try not to get too stressed about the decision, and go with what you feel passionate about!

Posted 2 months ago #
amanda918
Member

I know that totally makes sense and I do feel passionately about clothing and accessories and all of that stuff. It's just a hard pill to swallow knowing I probably wasted a year of time any money taking classes that wouldn't be applicable to a fashion merchandising major at a different school. But I guess one year is nothing in comparison to the rest of my life. Anyway, today will be 3 binge free days in a row and I'm looking forward to the one week mark being christmas eve so I can really enjoy christmas. Even if I slip up though I'll still enjoy the holidays. My last final is tomorrow so I'm super excited to just get it over with and enjoy winter break! Thanks for the support as alwayss

Posted 2 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Yeah that would be a tough pill to swallow, and understandably annoying, but your career is something that you will do for at least 40 hours a week for the majority of the rest of your life, so it should be something that you love! Congrats on 3 days!! Good luck on your final tomorrow. ~L

Posted 2 months ago #
Obsessed
Member

Hey Amanda! I know what you mean when you say that you sometimes just want to forget your problems, I get that feeling too when I feel everything gets too much for me.
But what you wrote down sounds very good and it seems we have a very similar attitude towards counting days, calories...and feeling it as a kind of pressure. I also discovered that these ways don't work for me as I am always feeling like a failure if I don't manage to do it like I planned.
Hope you can figure out what causes your binges and be able to work agaunst it

Posted 2 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Hey you,

Well done on 3 days binge free. Keep up the good work and oooh there seems to be some exciting changes coming up. I hope you're excited!!

Posted 2 months ago #
amanda918
Member

Hi everyone thanks for the responses! I'm leaving to go take my final final in 30 minutes!!!!! I feel ready though so I'm not too worried.
Lauren, you're totally right about all the time I'm going to have to put into my job. I think I would love being a nutritional counselor as well but my main concern is that it will keep all the focus in my life around food which does not seem to be good for me. For that reason I feel as though I need to change careers completely although this is still very sad for me because I love the idea that I could help people with their weight, but I just don't know if it's the right thing anymore.
Obsessed, I totally agree with you! I can keep track of binge free days, but in the past when I would set a goal and then fail I would spend the rest of the day crying and being miserable and be wayy more likely to binge the next day so no more of that!
Lorena, I feel the exciting changes and it honestly keep me up at night thinking of the way my life could be which is why I'm most likely going to just go through with them! OOOO and ps... FOUR MORE DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!

Posted 2 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hmm yeah that is a tough one. I've always thought it would be real hard for someone with BED to work as a nutritionist or a personal trainer as that puts a lot of pressure to eat/look perfect. But just keep thinking about it and you will figure out what you should do. Good luck on your final!!! and wahoo to christmas coming up!!!

Posted 2 months ago #
amanda918
Member

Hellooooooo! WHEW i feel like I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off today! Finished christmas shopping for my parents with my little brother, made some chocolate covered macaroons as part of my boyfriends christmas present and had to finish wrapping up my boyfriends present. I also took a kickboxing class at my gym this morning and LOVED IT! Could be my new favv at the gym So it's looking like tomorrow is going to be even more busy but it's all good christmas busy so that makes me happy. My final yesterday went pretty well but I'm still waiting for all my grades to come through for the semester so I'm a little anxious about that but all in all i'm doing pretty darn fabulous!

Posted 2 months ago #
Nat
Member

Hey Amanda, sounds like you've been doing great lovely, well done. I'm so with you on the no calorie counting or specific time frame goal. If you have too many nitty picky things to follow then you feel like you've let yourself down if you mess up one little darn thing. I've always wanted to try Kickboxing.. sounds like a blast! Glad your exam went well.. and you're busy being fabullous - tons of support from the land of oz!

Posted 2 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey girl..sounds like you are doing great!!! I know the busyness of getting ready for christmas is never a bad thing! Those macaroons sound yummy!! Glad to hear you are doing so good...keep it up!

Posted 2 months ago #
amanda918
Member

Hey girlies wellllll it's christmas eve!!! Yahoooo! So yesterday my boyfriend and I exchanged gifts and then went out to a nice dinner in the city and let me tell you... I had chilean sea bass for the first time and HOLY SHIT that stuff is good! But anyway, finished baking the gingerbread cookies today and started the appetizers for tomorrow and still gota wrap some presents! So I had a close call today and almost binged tonight but thankfully I pulled myself out of it and have done well today! I did my kickboxing class again this morning and still loved it. So when I make through today it will be a week binge free which is super exciting
And rollercoaster, where is the land of oz?! haha happy christmas eve everyone!

Posted 2 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Yay Amanda on having a good day!! and pulling yourself out of that bingey mood and having a successful night! Congrats on 1 week binge-free. Merry Christmas! ~L

Posted 2 months ago #
Nat
Member

hey amanda! oz is Australia haha, the land of oz? must be an aussie thing haha we're slightly strange people down under.
Nice work on putting the binge back in the pantry! A WEEK! A week with no binging over christmas time.. now that's impressive. xx

Posted 2 months ago #
amanda918
Member

Hi all! Well I had a lovely christmas and managed to make it through binge free but without restricting myself from all the yummy christmas food. It really feels like I'm starting to get the hang of this again and as the binge free days are piling up I'm feeling more and more confident and determined to keep going! I'm not going to lie though, it still can be so hard at times, especially when I'm alone. There was a point where as soon as I was alone the first thing I though about was how great of a time it was to binge because no one is around, but thankfully that mantra has changed. It's nice to be in this routine, but I know I have to go back up to school in a few weeks and I'm afraid I'll have trouble keeping this up because my schedule is so different and I'm forced to eat 3 larger meals instead of the more frequent small ones I do at home. Well, I'm not worrying about it now because I'm happy in these successes! I just sent in my application and essay for fashion institute of technology in new york so there's something to be excited about. I hope everyone has been having a great holiday!

Posted 2 months ago #
goingtobeatthis03
Member

Good luck with your application!!! You can do it :). Keep us posted on how you're getting along

Posted 2 months ago #
iMirm
Member

Hello there! Reading this is so encouraging-sounds like you're making so much progress. I'm getting an apartment right across the street from FIT!! We could be saying hello to each other on the street very soon and not even know it lol. all the best with your application (:

Posted 2 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey amanda! That is so awesome that you are feeling confident and more comfortable each day and that you have changed the mantra in your head! I know bingeing is a habit, and once you break it and get it out of your system, it gets easier. Although there are definitely still challenging days and I think we will all always have to be on the lookout for that binge monster and make sure not to let him back into our lives. I am so glad you had a great Christmas! Don't worry about school, you will be even stronger by then and you will find a way to keep those binge-free days coming. Hugs, Lauren

Posted 2 months ago #
Nat
Member

hey amanda. its so good to hear how well you're doing. i totally used to be the same... as soon as I was home alone it was like 'YES I CAN BINGE!' it wasn't like I sat waiting for them to leave, but once they left, my brain automatically ticked over to think 'BINGE' ugh it was so depressing. So glad that you're back in control and had a great christmas.

good luck with the application that sounds amazing!!

Posted 2 months ago #
amanda918
Member

Hi all! Well I think today makes 11 days binge free! It's been quite some time since I've gotten this many days under my belt so it feels really good. I'm also trying to be happier with myself because I'm a little heavy right now and I honestly need to loose about ten more pounds to be able to fit into most of my jeans comfortably again. These days though any kind of progress is motivating to me. I probably won't be able to post for a while because my 2 best girlfriends from school are coming to stay with me for a few days tomorrow so we'll see if I can get some alone time to post but I doubt it.

Imirm- I can't believe you're getting an apartmet right across the street from FIT?! Do you live in the city now? Are you in college right now or are you getting a job in the city? I'm a jersey girl so the city is like a close getaway for me that I LOVE and it would be awesome to live there! That's crazy that we'd be neighbors!
Lauren- Thanks for the encouraging words and I know that it's silly to worry about what it's going to be like back at school when that's still 3 weeks away! I definitely shouldn't be focusing on failing, instead I should focus on how I'm going to change my habits at school to make it work for me. I want to be able to have healthy snacks on hand so I can eat smaller meals at the dining hall, but keeping food in my dorm can get tempting to binge on, even if it's healthy whenever I'm alone or bored.
Jenna- That's exactly how I was! I wasn't thinking about binging at all but it's like some instinct kicks into your brain the second you're alone. I still feel like my body does this to me from the old stages of anorexia and I'm not sure if my body fully trusts me yet to eat the proper amount (maybe my bodys right!). It's all about forming new habits for me now and I'm just hoping that I can stick with them no matter what changes in life come my way!

I hope everyone is having great holidays!

Posted 2 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Congrats on 11 days..that is wonderful! Yeah I agree on building up your strength and then figuring out later what you need to do to continue on binge-free at school. I know having snacks around is tempting, but I know you can handle it, because its important to be able to have food around without feeling threatened by it. You are strong and as long as you don't mentally put that food off-limits, then you probably won't want to binge on it. As for being tempted to eat it when you are bored, you need to make a list of things to do when you are bored to keep the munchies away..and we are always here if you're feeling lonely! Enjoy you time with your friends! xoxo L

Posted 2 months ago #
iMirm
Member

Hey you. 11 days is awesome-well done. I live between the city and the Cayman Islands where I went to med school and where my parents are. I'm going back to NYC on Wednesday. I didn't get the apartment I wanted, which I'm so disappointed about, but I got one in the same building so I'm still across from FIT! So you're a Jersey girl huh? heheh...It would be so cool to meet someone from here in real life and you could totally get away to my place when you needed a break from school. Anyway, hope you have a great time with your girlfriends and have many more binge free days.

Love and hugs.

~Mirm.

Posted 2 months ago #
Nat
Member

Hey amanda, 11 days, that is such an achievement! that should give you the boost to keep going. You know you can do this! Enjoy your time with your friends. I like to take note of how my friends eat when I'm around them because they all have a healthy relationships with food and its interesting to see how they handle different situations. You might suss out some hints haha

Congrats on your progress, here's to a happy healthier 2010

Posted 2 months ago #
amanda918
Member

hey girlss.. well im in bed in my room so I'm able to jump on as my friend is in the other room. Unfortunately my other friend couldn't stay the night because she had to get back to her house to begin setting up for our new years party!!! So I actually had a nice heart to heart with my friends at lunch today because they were talking about how much weight they gained from their first semester at college. I thought that there was no way anyone could have gained as much as me (15 pounds!) but it turns out they both actually gained a little more than that and they don't have a binge eating problem..as far as I know anyway. But there were like "I just don't know how this happened" and I just pretended that I had no clue as well even though I know exactly why haha. But it was comforting to here that they felt the same way as me, but when I look at them, I don't notice that they've put on any weight at all which is nice because it means that maybe the weight that I have gained isn't as obvious as I think. So tomorrow I'm not going to the gym in honor of my friend being here, but to make up for it we are shopping until we literally drop haha! But I'm excited to spend some quality time with friends these next few days cause it's been a little lonely just me and the gym and my family haha. Lauren thanks for the positive encouragement! Sometimes it's hard for me to realize that no foods are off limits and I'm definitely still in the process of making over the way my brain looks at food whether it be eating junk food, or snacking in between meals, or anything else that seems to me at the time not normal or planned. Mirm, I'm so excited to have a buddy across the street from me if I decide to go to that school and it would actually be crazy to finally meet someone from this forum in person. I feel like we have all created such friendships on here because of the things we have in common and the support we've given to eachother that it's such a lucky opportunity to actually be able to talk to someone in person! And Jenna, I always look to my friends who don't have a bad relationship with food for tips on how to eat normally without the constant overprocessing, but to an extent I think all girls have some sort of food issues in their lives. Whether it be eating healthy, or staying in a routine, or looking in the mirror and thinking they need to go on a diet, I feel as though most women will be preoccupied with food at some point in their life. Keep up the good work everyone!!!!

Posted 2 months ago #
amanda918
Member

Hi all, so last night I have to admit that I had an "excessive snacking session". Not a binge, because I felt in control, but I definitely didn't eat enough throughout the day and my friend who was staying with me was on a date with a guy she knows who lives in my town. Left with my hunger I had some soup and squash as a light dinner, but then hit the vanilla ice cream and the whip cream pretty hard. I then finished off a jar of peanut butter which probably only had about a quarter cup left then one of my chocolate truffles. All about 1500 calories. I stopped myself and although I felt guilty I know that its progress to not be stuffing myself silly even though I had too many snacks in one sitting. So obviously that has made me anxious eating today, but I can't worry about it. Tonight I'm going to have a ton of fun with my friends at a new years eve party and as a result, probably won't loose weight this week, but hey.. at least I had fun doing it.

Ok so now the other big thing. I broke up with my boyfriend last night. I've been seeing him for about 3 and a half years now and let me tell you, HE'S AMAZING! Besides all of you on this forum and my counselor at school, he's the only one who truely knows everything about my eating disorder. He's been the greatest support system for me and has treated me like a princess for the whole relationship. We broke up because he happens to be my only relationship and I can't help but feel like I can't truely appreciate him without anything to compare it to. I feel like the break we took the beginning of this year was meant for me to have some single time at school, but I don't just want single time. I want another relationship without the pressure of what he'll think about it. It's hard because I still see us together in the faraway future, but he doesn't want to get his hopes up so he's calling this breakup permanent. The whole situation is so tough I can't even stand it but have no fear... THIS IS NO EXCUSE TO BINGE! I know this and I will continue to remind myself of this.

I hope everyone has a fun new years eve!

Posted 2 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Amanda..I'm just catching up on your posts. Yeah it is hard for our brains to really except the idea that no food is off limits and it takes a whole lot of self-convincing until it finally becomes ingrained in you..so hang in there...be determined..and you will slowly see your mind shift away from forbidden foods, dieting, and weight loss thoughts. It sounds like last night you had the extra snacking because like you said you weren't eating enough earlier in the day so to help with that make sure that you are eating frequently throughout the day and enough so that your body isn't needing all those extra calories at night playing catch up from the day time. Aw I am sorry to hear about your boyfriend but it sounds like this was your decision and something that you want so I hope that things end up working out..either you meet the guy of your dreams or you realize your bf (he sounds great) is the one and you guys get back together. But you are right, bingeing will not help the tough situation..so stay strong! Happy 2010!

Posted 2 months ago #
mandy
Member

hey amanda, just read through your journal. i think it's amazing you managed to stop yourself during your 'excessive snacking session'. it would be great if i could do that too your break-up sounds odd - i don't really get it - but i'm sure things will work out fine! your bf does sound amazing as you say! happy new year, amanda!

Posted 2 months ago #
Louise
Member

Hey Amanada - I hope you're ok.. I too don't really get why you have split from your 'amazing boyfriend who is your best support system'... but you know yourself best. I hope you have made the right decision.
You are doing really well..i enjoyed reading your journal xx

Posted 2 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Hey Amanda,

Well done on stopping yourself. That takes a lot of strength and you did it. Definately shows you are heading in the right direction.

Sorry to hear about your breakup. I know how you feel. I was in a 8 and a half year relationship with a great guy who loved me loads but he was the only one i'd ever been with. It's a sad situation for both of you but if you feel you are doing the right thing then you are. See how it goes but i'm sure whatever happens happens for the best.

Posted 2 months ago #
amanda918
Member

Hi girlss thanks for the support! So my new years was greatt and I hope all of yours were too. My boyfriend and I have decided that it would be best if we continue to see eachother, but see other people as well. Kind of like adults date many people at once! I'm really glad we came to this conclusion because the thought of not being able to see him at all was devasting! I can admit that I'm pretty confused in the situation myself so I can't imagine how any outsiders would understand, but Lorena, are you still with that same guy now? That's AMAZING! So thanks for the support everyone and I'll keep you posted on how everything is goingg!

Posted 2 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Amanda..glad you had a great New Years! And that sounds like a great compromise with your boyfriend. That way you can check out what is out there but not completely lose your boyfriend while you figure things out. Hope you have a great day! Hugs, Lauren

Posted 2 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Hey Amanda,

I'm glad you sorted something out and came to that decision. Thats one heck of a decision though lol. I hope it works for you.

No i'm not with him anymore but we have remained friends. Took a long time to get to the stage we are and hopefully we can continue to be friends. I am now with someone else that lives in South africa so i've kind of gone from one being with me all the time to one i never see. I'll tell you, relationships are not supposed to be easy i think are they? lol.

To be honest i do wish i was single as i've never been single but when you love someone so much you just can't let go.

Have a great day hun xx

Posted 2 months ago #
amanda918
Member

Hi all hope everyone is doing well! Lauren I hope this situation with boyfriend works out as well! We went to a local grill and pub yesterday to watch the football game and hang out and it was nice, but then he invited me back to his house and I went and we had fun there, but we ended up having yet ANOTHER talk about our situation and I know he needs it because he's the type of person that always needs to talk things out, but I just wana yell at him to RELAX sometimes!! But I know that once I go back to school it'll be easier, cause now that we both have nothing else to worry about we're hanging out a lot. Lorena thats great that you and your long term ex bf have found a way to be friends, I don't know if I'd ever be able to do that with mine and I know how hard it can be. And now you have a boyfriend in South Africa?! What area are you from and how did you meet a guy like him?!

So everything has been going pretty well for me. I'm still ANXIOUSLY awaiting the response from FIT to see if I got in. I would say that's the main thing on my brain right now because I feel like I can't move on with any type of future plans until I hear from them. Tomorrow night I think I'm going out to dinner with my mom, 2 of my closest friends, and their moms which I'm very excited about because I haven't gotten to talk with them yet at all over winter break. Also my one friend and her boyfriend are really close with me and my boyfriend, and I think we're going to plan a skiing trip soon so I'm pumped about that. I just started skiing last winter, and needless to say, I'm awful, but I still really enjoy doing it on the easy slopes and have come to terms that I will be falling all the time. I hope everything keeps going well for me because I'm realizing that come January 17th, I'll be officially one month binge free, something I haven't accomplished since I've been a member on this forum, which has been about 9 months. Wish me luck!!

Posted 2 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey there...aw well I'm sure your bf is just scared to lose you..but hopefully things will work out best for you guys..whatever that may be. AH I really hope you get into FIT...my fingers are crossed (and my toes) You better let us know when you find out!! Ah the dinner plans and the ski trip plans sound fabulous!...I am horrible at skiing..honestly it scares the shit out of me flying down a mountain out of control I think I started the sport too late... WAHOO Amanda you are getting so close to 1 month binge free!! I know you can do it!!!!!! Hugs, L

Posted 2 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Hey Amanda,

Well me and my boyfriend met at work as he came over here for a year to work and we became really great friends and it turned into something more and then we got together. Sadly though his work visa expired so he had to go back and its really hard for south africans to get back into the uk but i thought by now he would be back but it hasn't happened. I may have to move there, scary stuff! I think we've been together this long and made it because the way i feel about him is so different to how i felt about my ex. This feels like what love should. I loved my ex a lot but wasn't inlove with him and i'm one of those who wants to find that love you see in films lol and i think i have with this but i still sometimes think i would like to try the single life.

Bring on the 17th Jan!! You are sure to make it!!

Posted 2 months ago #
amanda918
Member

Hi girliess! I realized I was posting on this forum a lot yesterday because I was stuck home watching my little brother who was sick and needed to stay home from school, but I never updated my own! So tonight is actually going to be the dinner with my friends and their moms and I really excited for that, but I have a feeling that I'm going to end up talking about my school tranferring deal and it just gets so exhausting talking and thinking about the same thing all the time that I'd rather not even bring it up. Speaking of FIT, I called them yesterday to see when I should be expecting a decision, and it turns out that they hadn't received my college transcripts yet and they needed my high school ones as well. UGHHHH! So I ran to my high school and had the registrar send them and I followed up at my college and they said they'll have them out this week so then I'm going to have to wait about another 6 weeks for the decision, so don't bother crossing your fingers yet lauren.

Lorena, when did you know or how did you know that the guy you were with for 8 and a half years wasn't the one for you. I'm completely depressed right now without my guy, but I know that I'll just be doubtful about us if we get back together. I feel awful already for putting him through the ringer like I have.

On the bright side (maybe the only bright side right now) I'm still binge free so I guess that's something to be proud and happy about right now.

Posted 2 months ago #
Lorena
Member

Hey,

Ah rubbish about finding out. Hopefully you won't have to wait too long.

I knew that he wasn't the one a few years into the relationship but i was too scared to to end it and kept thinking it would get better. We'd have great times together and we got on really well and hardly ever argued and i did love him but knew i wasn't inlove but kept thinking i will be inlove with him and kidded myself i was. It also didn't help that i started finding other guys attractive and thought about them a lot!! I knew from this it wasn't right but just couldn't see a way out. Then i met Strauss, my boyfriend now, and it felt different and i began to really feel for him so it got to the point where i had to end it with my ex. First we took a break but i couldn't get strauss out of my mind and i knew that if i liked two guys at one time i couldn't be with my ex. We gave it another go but i didn't feel the same so ended it. It was the hardest thing i ever did and has been hard since we split as it took him very long to get over me and coz i felt bad about what i did i tired to be there for him but it didn't work and we went round in circles - friends, fall out, not talk, friends etc. Now we are ok, i hope anyway.
The thing is though. They become your friend and someone you have shared a long time with and its so natural to miss them. I missed my ex when we went through periods of not talking. At the end of the day he was my best friend and knew me the best so of course i missed him but as a companion and not a lover. The missing part does confuse people though. So many of my friends who end relationships see it as a sign they want to get back together. I think if you really didn't want to be with him you'd know. You'll get to a point where enough is enough. All i can suggest is take your time to make a decision. Sure its not great for him to wait but in the long run you'll be doing both of you a favour as you will make the right decision for both of you. It is best to find it now and take time rather than get together and then a few months later end it. That will be even worse. Take your time and you will come to a conclusion and the right one. Don't be or feel rushed though.

Oh yeah and well done on eating well hehe x

Posted 2 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Amanda..man thats a bummer about the transcripts not being sent...well I'll still keep my fingers crossed..just in 6 weeks I'll cross my toes too Being binge free is definitely something to be proud of! Have a great night! ~L

Posted 2 months ago #
Bingemonsterbegone
Member

Hey Amanda.
I am gonna one up Lauren & my fingers & tosies are crossed, along with my eyes! Yanno- cross eyed? sorta like this dude but cross eyed. Way to go on the binge front.

Posted 2 months ago #
Louise
Member

Hey you.. If you know you're not happy with your fella... get out.. as HARD as it is, the longer you leave it the harder it wil be... Honestly..If you have both made a decision that you can see other people, you have to break free now... if you were in love, you wouldn't even want to consider being with anyone else.. sorry was I a bit blunt there ?? I am very to the point and I don't know how else to be..
Otherwise, you seem to be doing really well ... fancy some turkey ??

Posted 2 months ago #
amanda918
Member

Thanks for the posts everyone..nice to have so many of them! So as meg says, beware everyone.. you're about to read some FOOD PORN!

I've been doing really well for the past TWENTY days! However, today I binged. My whole day was fine, but I went to the gym late tonight instead of early like usual. I can't even say I was starving when I got home, but I ate my normal dinner, then had some eggnog ice cream. I decided I wanted some peanut butter as well, but only had a little bit. Then I wanted tahini or seasame seed paste and I only had a little of that too, but I gues I felt as though it was too much and decided to make it a binge day. BOO! I had some carmel popcorn, a little leftover cupcake frosting, a cookie, a biscotti, and a marzipan. Now I'm EXTREMELY full and I forgot how much I hated the feeling, but the real test now is if I can just continue on tomorrow as if this never happened, because getting to January 17th only having one binge doesn't sound too bad to me so I'm just going to immediately get back on the wagon.

My ex bf and I are doing well. I see him a lot because he's the only guy I talk to at home and I know we will have an easier time growing apart when I go back to school. I can still picture myself with him in the long run, but I know that I need this time to really figure things out for myself. We are going on a ski trip with a bunch of our friends for a few nights this tuesday, but I think it'll be a really fun time and allow us to leave our relationship on a happier note.

Lastly, has anyone told their family straight out that they have binge eating disorder? I've wanted to tell my parents everything for a long time, but I don't want them to treat me any differently around food so I've kind of been avoiding it. Has anyone done this and if so how did you do it and are you glad you did? RIght now my bf.. ex bf.. is the only one who knows everything besides you guys of course! Thanks for the support everyone I really really need it!

Posted 2 months ago #
cookiemonster
Member

Hey Amanda !

Dont worry about today you have been doing great and its all part of the process. They way I see progress is like a graphic instead of a straight line all the time there are some ups and downs but with time the tendency ( I dont know if you could say that I am actually french hehe ) is that its continually improving and going up. Not sure you see my little analogy but what I mean is that tomorrow you wont try to restrict and you'll just go to your natural way of eating like you have been doing the past 17 days.

I've been with my bf for almost 4 years and yeah of course there are times I think being single would be great since I've been with him since I was 18 ( almost 22 now)and I am still young. But the truth is we are way too close and after all we've been through together I feel like we are almost family he knows me better than anyone and I love him so much. Our birthday is the SAME DAY by the way haha I always mention it.
So I guess I just fell in love early what can I do lol I am not going to fight it just to have fun party and hook up with guy which could sound tempting but will not be worth it for me in the end. I think its great that you both agreed to see other people though its a good compromise I just hope you are both able to deal with it without being hurt you know what I mean ?

As for your last question, my bf is the only one I told and he doesnt really get it even though he supports me in general. I am not close with my dad and my mom is actually one of the reasons I have so many eating issues I think. Even though she is the best and I love her, she didnt have the healthiest body image / relationship with food when I was growing up so I think my troubles started from there. I dont think she would understand so I wont tell her. That is why I am on this forum after all.

Anyway keep up the great progress you have made !

Posted 2 months ago #
skinnybinger
Member

Okay so you had an off day. You will do double-great tomorrow. I have not told my family, friends, or boyfriend about my binge eating... I wish I had the courage to do it and not be scared or their reactions. It's good you at least have SOMEONE though who knows, your boyfriend or ex-boyfriend or whatever he is, that part doesn't matter, it just matters that he cares for you and is supportive and understanding.

Posted 2 months ago #
Bingemonsterbegone
Member

Hey Amanda,
Man, your food porn sounded delish, capital DELISH!

It's okay--you slipped up a bit, that's all. Give yourself a break; it happened and it is over. The most important thing you can do right now is get right back on track. If you do, this one binge will not matter one I-oda. It's progress, not perfection.
I suggest you eat, digest, move on.

Don't hate yourself; love yourself enough to keep on going.

If you want to assume the position, I can give you a kick to the rear, a kick in the butt is usually a kick forward, so you are well on your way to a better day tomorrow!
~ Megan

Posted 2 months ago #
amanda918
Member

Ok so it is almost 2am right now, but I feel like after a binge, I find myself revalutaing everything that I'm doing to be binge free. I think about doing diet plans, or eating whatever I want whenever I want blah blah blah. I'm going to continue on living life normally, but the one thing that I think is really hindering my progress in the long run is the counting calories. I've been doing it for so long that its hard to just not think about it. Lately I've been having occasional days were I don't think about it as often, but by the end of the day I'm still gathering a total to see if I have enough calories left for the one square of chocolate. I don't even aim to hit a certain number, but each day I pick a new number depending on how much I've already eaten that day. So here's the plan, on the days that I'm eating on my own completely and I don't have any plans to meet with friends or have meals with the family, I have a novel idea. ARE YOU READY FOR THIS????? I'm going to eat like I was one of you guys! I feel like I'm always looking at the food you eat and thinking how good it looks, but for one reason or another, I never consider eating that way at all. For example, Meg, I love your breakfasts! But unfortunately, I still have the stupid mentality of eating the smallest meal in the morning. Used to not be able to exceed 200 calories, but I've become more flexible on that, but if I overeat at breakfast, many times it sets me up for a binge later in the day, but I wouldn't have to worry about that if I already had planned out what I'm going to eat for the rest of the day. And Lauren, I've always wanted to try those luna bars, but thought they were too many calories for a snack... AM I KIDDING? And I love the light starbucks lattes, but everytime I go in I'm just like, mine as well get a coffee and save the calories for later..even though I would obviously prefer the latte. I think I have been lieing to myself about my obsession with calories, so now I'm going to just eat what my trusted friends on this forum eat and see how I feel. Maybe I'll be more satisfied, have more energy, whatever it is. Kind of like an experiment to do on the days when I would otherwise have no structured eating plan. Tomorrow I have plans to eat with my boyfriend, and on the weekends I stay with my dad and he cooks, so maybe on monday I'll give it a try and decide whose food I'm eating for the day!

Cookie Monster- Thanks for the good boy advice. There are days when I feel completely in love and totally picture a future with this guy, and others when I question everything. I've already put him through plenty of my confusion so I figure we'll both have to live with this arrangement, as tough as it may be, until I seriously get my shit together 100 percent!

Skinny*- I can't believe you haven't told ANYONE about this. I feel like I couldn't keep it locked up like that but I gues this forum helps. And especially being in your situation not telling anyone, you're very brave to have a very honest blog that you post on with pictures and updates. KUDOS!

Megggs- Kick in the butt was well received I might actually think about whether I want another one of those next time I feel the urge to binge.. OUCH!

PS- anyone who actually reads this whole thing is a saint.. I'm fully aware of the length!

Posted 2 months ago #
cookiemonster
Member

Hey Amanda ! Yeah I think its great that you have been honest with him and its better that you take your time till your sure a 100 % ! Its also great that you still have his support...

I think not counting calories is a great idea. Thats what I have been doing and its really working. I know the calories of like every single food on earth or something lol so I know what you mean its SO hard now to make a total in your head. But now what I do everytime I think about calories I just force myself to brush it off. And I have been doing it on purpose to eat out or not measure stuff anymore just so I dont know the calories. Maybe you could try that.

Good luck !

Posted 2 months ago #
Louise
Member

I read the whole thjing.. hee hee hee..
Yep, get back on the wagon, don't worry about it.. MOVE FORWARD, don't dwell on it.. You have made great PROGRESS and that is what its about .. !
I have told my hubby, and bless him, while he tries to be kind and offer support he simply doesn't understand, and nor can I expect him to understand.. I have kinda cryed for help to my mum, dad, one friend, whom I also suspect binges... but I did it in such a light hearted way, cause I guess I was afraid of admitting it to them, or something.. that they didn't really take me serioulsy and didn't talk to me about it.. Maybe i made them feel uncomfortable with the subject.. I carried it in secret for such a long time, when eventually, I asked hubby literally to help me and keep me out of the kitchen.. but of course, whe he isn't here.. i wa still binging.... BUT NOT ANYMORE... A HA ! It is a very sensitive subject for the sufferer and the person you confide in.. has to be someone you feel completely comfortable with and trust wholly. of course, i feel like I have bared all on here, to complete strangers.. but never have strangers made such an impact on me, and such a postive impact at that.. and actually i don't feel like many of you are strangers anymore... getting to know people more everyday with small talk away from binging.. ! its fabulous...
Chin up hun.. you're doing GREAT !!! xxxxxx

Posted 2 months ago #
Lauren
Member

Hey Amanda..just catching up on your journal from yesterday. Ok so I agree with the girls about your binge...just get yourself right back on track and focus on the fact that you went TWENTY days. That is huge and shows you can do that again and go even longer!

I think that it is a great idea to try and take the focus off calorie counting and starting to eat what you really want to eat. The truth is is that you end up eating way less because you are actually being satisfied by eating what you want. I used to eat literally 1-2 pounds of cooked vegetables at one meal just because I had to feel super full to keep the binges away..and now I can eat a small meal of whatever I want and still feel satisfied fullness wise, but its that mental, "Ahh I just ate a delicious meal, I'm happy" that really keeps the binges away. Also look at letting go of the calorie counting as a more practical way to live your life, because really, do you want to count calories for the rest of your life? your answer is probably HELL NO! Those Luna bars and lattes are delicious..so I say let yourself go for it! And a good hearty breakfast is really important to keep yourself from being hungry all throughout the day.

I have told my family and most of my friends. I am a really open person and I like people to know what I am going through in my life. And the support has been great for me. But I think it depends on you and your relationship with them...

Have a great day! Just get yourself right back on track hon... ~L

Posted 2 months ago #

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