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Alannah's Journal

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Started 9 months ago by alannah09
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alannah09
Member

So...I finally am going to start a journal. I am not sure exactly what to put here so I guess the best would just be to put general stuff about my day and things I need to work on. I am fairly happy with how I have been eating recently. The one thing that I am finding to be very difficult is figuring out how much to eat each day when I am not binging. I haven't eaten normally in years. I have either been binging or restricting for so long that I do not even know how to eat normally anymore. I think having a goal calorie range may be helpful, but even that is hard to figure out because I don't know whether my metabolism is all messed up because of treating my body so badly the last few years. I guess I will just test out different ranges. I am 5'5 and 18 so if anyone has had this problem and found a range that works for them I would be happy to hear about it.
Today I had vanilla greek yogurt with blueberries for breakfast...then I had some oatmeal for a snack with soymilk cinnamon and a chopped apple...then a big salad with a veggie burger on a whole grain bun for lunch...some whole grain pasta and veggies with sauce and cheese for dinner and then some fruit sorbet a little while ago..I didn't really measure anything out so I am not sure how many calories it was but I felt pretty satisfied all day. I have also found that drinking a lot of water and unsweetened with what I eat helps.

My major struggle is that I REALLY want to quit binging but I also want to lose weight, but I know it is almost impossible to stop binging if I restrict calories too much so I am trying to eat sensibly but really not eat any sweets. I am just really uncomfortable with my body right now..my clothes don't fit right..I don't know. I am just unhappy. If anyone has any suggestions about anything I'd love to hear them!

Posted 9 months ago #
kate
Member

Hey allannah its great that you are starting your own journal.This way you can keep us updated on how things are going.. and as you make progress you can look back at old entrys too and realise the changes you've made.
Id say you eat pretty well.. I mean healthy... as for the calorie thing.. it will depend not only on your height and and age but also on how much physical activity you do daily.
i suggest having a look on google to find what you are after.. but I also found it difficult to figure out what I should be eating daily because.. like you im in my teens so its different for adolescents compared to adults.
If you look on Biggest loser site I know they have a process that allows you too figure out what your healthy calorie intake(its called your TEE or total energy expenditure)..here it is for women:
(10Xweight) + (6.25Xheight)-(5Xage) + 5 = your resting metobolic rate (RMR), then X 4.2.(this turns it from Calorie to kilojoule which you gotta do for the next bit.)
then you times that by your daily activity level:
1.200=sendentary(little or no exercise)
1.375=light exerciser(light exercise at low intensity a couple of times a week)
1.550=moderate exerciser(moderate exercise a few times a week)
1.725= active exerciser(hard exercise at high intensity most days each week)
1.900= very active exerciser(daily stranous exercise and physical job)
This is an estimate of your kilojoule level daily.. so then just divide it by 4.2 to get calories.
PHEW! that is a long process.
Also if you want to lose weight.. instead of trying to restrict calories, learn to simply stop when your full.. and to not eat junk food at every meal.
If you are active for 30min a day eat about five veges, five grain-starch, two meat or protein or other(eg.egg or tofu), two fruit and two dairy(low-fat is better than normal dairy because dairy especially creams and hard cheeses are high in saturated fat) not only will you find yourself fitter and healthier but I think you will start to feel more energetic and happier too.
It seems to me that you already know the difference between healthy and not healthy.
Have you ever thought of asking your doctor to refer you to a dietition.. so that you can work out exactly what your body needs.
Generally our bodies simply need variety and moderation.. easier said then done!lol
I hope this helps you out a bit and dont stress about your metabolism.. because if you change your eating habits it will alter automatically anyway.
The best thing you can do for yourself is make sure you eat regularly and at the same time each day which will get your body into good cycle.. and make sure that the times you choose are maintainable.Its no use eating at 11am everyday if you cant get up then.
I know most of this stuff is things you may already know so just use whatever can helps fill in the gaps.. also you may like to try other options so, again.. go for a google search.
Im not sure if you know this, but when you eat too much fibre you will find you can get constipated and bloated.. so if your worried about a round belly and tender stomach maybe you should swap some high fibre fruit and veg for some high protien(and filling) nuts or light cheddar cheese with biscuits or bake beans on toast instead for breakie. I think you'll find that you may feel less water-logged if you do this.
And, like you, i love unsweetened tea.. especially herbal teas such as peppermint and even licorice! Just a tip.. try making you own homemade fresh tea using boiled water mint leaves, lemon or vanilla pods and green tea leaves. Its not difficult and it tastes great in the afternoon chilled.
I am really into being healthy when Im not bingeing and it was hard for me too, trying to learn to except junk food.
All I know is if you dont let yourself have some it will lead to a binge... Ive tried HEAPS of times and no matter if yuo last one day or one month you will snap... if it really worries you.. try starting out on lower fat, diet or sweetened versions of the food you like.(but make sure they are still flavours you like otherwise its cheating!)
This way you can feel inclined to have some and if you do binge it will not be as bad.
Experiment and put a effort into ensuring you are mentally ready to overcome triggers or cravings when you think you'll binge.
There are heaps of coping techniques and notes on the homepage in the left column and they do help!
I wish you the best.

Posted 9 months ago #
kate
Member

Sorry about the EXTREMELY long post!lol

Posted 9 months ago #
alannah09
Member

No! It was soooo helpful. I got about 2000 cals for my TEE though which sounds super high..and that was using sedentary, which i am not actually. Maybe it has just been so long since i ate normally that I don't remember how much I ate but that sounds like a lot. If you had asked me I would have said I need like 1400 to 1600 and that is with exercise. And I do exercise quite a bit. HHmmm...I do see a nutritionist actually, but it is not as helpful as you think. She will not tell me calories because she does not want me to focus on that but since it is hard for me too tell when I am full, i think it is something that would be really helpful. So she tells me to eat healthy food but no calories or anything no matter how much I ask.

Posted 9 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

Actually, that's the perfect ballpark figure: 2000 kcal/day for a semi-active woman. Because most young women are brain-washed to be on restrictive diets of 1400 kcal to lose weight (and then binge to regain the loss), when they see 2000 they think it's all wrong. But this matches your national eating guidelines if you check.

Your nutritionist doesn't want you to focus on a bullseye number because some days your body needs and seeks 2400 kcal, some days 1800 and so on. So to tell a young woman to stay below 2000, and then she goes over one day, she might freak out that she "failed" and thinks she should just go on overeating and bingeing. Better to think of a daily range like 1900-2300.

Helen

Posted 9 months ago #
Hope777
Member

It sounds like you are eating perfectly! Like Kate said I LOVE eating healthy too! Its super hard for me to allow junk food ( i dont even like the way it makes me feel when i eat it) However our bodies need it not to binge. I try to have healthier junk foods haha. For example i LOVE dark chocolate. I also get soy ice cream, organic icecream, vegan cookies, ect. Just knowing they are made out of more natural materials makes me feel better about eating them. I love veggies burgers, and i also make healthy wraps made with hummus, light laughing cow cheese and tons of veggies, they are so good!

Posted 9 months ago #
alannah09
Member

I love veggie burgers too..I actually stopped being vegetarian a few weeks ago just so I could eat meat if I want to and so I wouldnt have the label when I go to college, but I barely eat any meat at all anyway. For about 8 months last year I was actually vegan. It was too hard to have a social life but my body felt great. I wish I could do it again but it was just too complicated. I had a kind of weird day today with food cause I didn't overeat but it was just not the types of food i usually eat, and I almost had a binge just because it wasnt healty..I don't know. I came on here to write about it instead of binge even though my stomach is getting that weird about to binge type of feeling. I wont give in!

I had a smoothie when I first woke up..basically just fruit and soymilk and a little ice. Then I went on a 3 mile walk with my mom. We decided to go to market--like this big farmers market near my house--for lunch when we got back. We ended up buying all kinds of things and I tried a little of everything which is usually bad for me because it is hard or me to figure out when to stopp when there are all different containers and I cannot tell exactly how much I have eaten..it was some different veggie soups and some curry and part of a falafel burger so generally kind of healthy stuff...I was paying a lot of attention to this and I stopped before I was full. Then like an hour later I had a black raspberry ice cream cone while we were still walking around downtown.--organic farmer ice cream..but not super healthy

Then for dinner my mom and I went to some soup place and I got chicken pot pie soup that came with pie crust topping...hmm..not so healthy but not the worst choice ever..or maybe..and I had some bread with it (whole grain though).

I am really craving ice cream right now so I am thinking about making a shake with some organic low fat ice cream I have and soymilk because I am really craving it but I am writing it here so hopefully I wont binge on it. My stomach has felt kind of weird all day though..and that always makes me binge too. I am so determined to have my 5th good day in a row though I am really going to try not to.

Posted 9 months ago #
Hope777
Member

Hey Alannah, great job coming here to write about it! I know its weird at first eating these foods that in the past we didnt allow ourselves. Its great that you were able to try a little bit of everything without bingeing! Try hard to make it through the night without bingeing and it will feel amazing i promise :). Sometimes when a craving hits i like to watch gossip girl on my comp. to get my mind off of it (guilty pleasure haha). I was also vegan for about half a year, however this was SUPER hard living this way in a sorority house and really expensive. However i am still vegetarian (not for any purpose other than it makes me sick how they kill the animals) i was never a big meat eater anyway other than turkey now and again. Its easy to eat this way while i am at my parents house because they pay for all my food and are really healthy eaters themselves. I eat alot of hummus and i still eat eggs and tofu. It is important to have protein at each meal it really fills you up :). Anyways good job today, keep up the good work, try to relax and get past this binge. Try to find out the real reason you want that food. And remember going a little over your calories does not have to turn into a full on binge. Stay strong girl!

Posted 9 months ago #
alannah09
Member

ok...so noone is perfect. I don't want to only write good days...I would say I had a semi-binge but stopped before it got too bad and start writing this. I had that ice cream soy shake I wanted...except then I had another one and the second one I added a big glob of peanut butter...then I ate 2 leftover slice of pizza that was in the fridge. just cold and then half of another slice..then I realized how much I REALLY don't want to do what I was doing..I would say total it was probably like a little over 1000 cals or something in all so it is really not awful by any means but it is the behavior that I am worried about. I am trying to figure out why I started to binge after 4 food days and im not sure. I think I had ben restricting too much..

Posted 9 months ago #
Hope777
Member

Hey Alannah! Great job stopping that binge! Its amazing that you were able to stop in the middle, thats hard to do and is a sure sign you are making much progress. When i see myself starting to binge i sit down and the table and say to myself, " I can eat at much as i want as long as i eat it slowly and sitting down thinking about what i am doing".Pretty much i allow myself to binge if i really want to. I find that when i am sitting down thinking about what i am doing i can stop myself, saying this is silly eating is not going to help me in any way and i am usually able to stop. And although sometimes i overeat i can usually stop myself like you did. In the past when i binge i do other things, like watch tv, walk around, eat out of boxes and i think this is so i wouldnt have to think about what i was doing. Keep going on with your day, in a couple hours your stomach will feel less full and you will probably want your next meal. Dont get discouraged its great that you were able to stop, please try to not restrict after a little over-eating. Just eat as you would your normal meal.

Posted 9 months ago #
alannah09
Member

So..the last few days have not been good at all and I really feel like I am getting back into a binge cycle again and I felt like I was really doing well for a little while there. I think the hardest part is that I cannot get myself to believe that I can really eat 1800 or 1900 cals and not gain weight. Then, what end up happening is I restrict to 1200 or 1500 or sometimes worse and it works for a couple days and then I have a really bad binge and then another the next day and I would have eaten a lot fewer calories if I just ate the 1800 to begin with. So, I really think I am going to start eating more every 3 hrs throughout the day and just see if I actually do gain weight, which deep down inside I know I wont especially considering I run 3-5 miles about 5 times a week and bike about 15 4 or 5 times a week and try to lift weight some as well so I probably even could be eating more than that. So, as of right now, I think I am going to try to eat several meals every 3 hrs and let my cals go higher than usual in a controlled way.

Another thing that is really annoying me is that before I started binging I used to go out with friends all the time, and now I literally binge so often that friends call me after I hav e had a binge and I feels gross and fat and thats why I don't go out rather than because I don't feel like it or am too tirred or ligit dont want too. It is just so frusturating, but I am happy that I now have a plan. I will update about how my every 3 hrs meals are going! hopefully they will keep me full (but not stuffed of course!)

Posted 9 months ago #
Hope777
Member

Hey Alannah! glade to hear from you again! At first i didnt think i could eat 1900 calories and not gain weight, it just seems like SO much. However i found i am loosing weight really slowly. I fit back into my jeans that i couldnt button a month ago. Also, now that i am used to eating 1900 calories a day and not binging, i dont always get to that amount, sometimes i go under and sometimesi go a little over. I also run for about 40 mins a day and try to lift weights so i figure an extra couple 100 wont matter. I would try the 1900 for a month and see how you feel. You can always go back to what you were doing before if it dosnt work right? All i know is that eating more calories i can much better beat away my cravings. Something else i learned is that you cant get to upset if you had a bad food day. I had one last week and after that just tried to continue with what i was doing before and guess what i felt totally back to normal the next day and felt awesome that i didnt binge because i ate bad for one day. I know about feeling gross and not going out with friends. My best advice is to push through and still go out for a little bit, you might feel better after being around people, i know i always do.

Posted 9 months ago #
alannah09
Member

Thanks! I have tried the 1900 the last 2 days and it seems like it is working a lot better. I think I may have been binging because I was just eating way too little. I used to try to eat 1200-1400 (at the most!) because I wanted to lose weight but I always just gained it through huge binges of course. I think it was especially bad because I exercise quite a bit. Like today for example I ran 5 miles, lifted weights for a while, and biked 15, the running and weights I have to do for XC and then my dad wanted to bike. Today, I just ate about 300-400 cals every 3 hours and I feel fine. In the old days, I would have eaten barely anything all day and I would be binging right now, not posting! So the 1900 is definitely working much better than that. I also just got my XC training in the mail for the next month and as long as I stick to 1900 I definitely think that I will lose. My shortest running days are about 5 miles, and they go all the way up to 95 min long runs which would be close to like 12 miles or something plus flexability drills and other things that I have to do so I think I will definitely be fine on 1900.
The one thing that I am trying to change is the quality of the 1900, I used one of my meals today to make a brownie sundae that was probably closer to like 500 cals, I was really craving it though. I think it is maybe because I am not eating enough carbs and eating too much protein and stuff. Who knows?

Posted 8 months ago #
Hope777
Member

YAY Alannah! I am so happy the 1900 is working for you! Remember it all gets easier with time. I think the 1900 is probably a very reasonable number with the amount of working out you are doing. In reality you could probably eat much more than that and loose weight. So i would just aim for that number daily and really dont stress if you go over. It is great that you are allowing yourself more of what you are actually craving. In time your cravings will lesson. It is important if you do recognize a craving when you are not hungry to ask yourself why you want that. Ex: being bored or something and what you can do instead. I found it alot easier to do this when i was eating enough calories. talk to you later!

Posted 8 months ago #
alannah09
Member

So today felt like a quite good day. I felt full with my 3 hr eating thing all day and I was working out a ton. I had a hill workout so I ran a total of like 6-7 miles and some was uphill, then went swimming with my brother, then biking 15 miles with my dad. I ended up eating more like 2200, but I was moving around all day and it was all pretty equally spaced so I was happy. I didn't eat more at night, it was in meals throughout the day, and I care more about that than the exact calories. I feel like I get to eat WAY more than before even though it probably about the same or less (including the binge calories of course)but because I am actually having meals it feels like I am eating all day long. I think this is really helping and it is becoming more clear why 1200ish was not working WHAT SO EVER!

Posted 8 months ago #
Hope777
Member

Alannah, i am so happy the increase in calories is working for you. You are very active so dont be worried about the extra calories because you will be loosing weight the healthy way and dont have to worry so much about bingeing. Dont you agree that it is so much easier to eat only when you are hungry when you are eating enough? Its amazing. Those hill runs sound intense! Do you sprint or just go at a brisk pace? I run about 4 miles daily but kinda run at a turtles pace haha.

Posted 8 months ago #
alannah09
Member

OMG its so much easier when your eating more. I also occasionally eat a lot for lunch, and I used to get to like 1200 before dinner and FREAK OUT and then binge...now..I relax..I still have another 700 to go haha. The hills are pretty tough. I was SOAKED in sweat when I was done if that gives you any idea. The exact workout was a 15 min warm-up I did jogging around the track...then I got on the treadmill and did 1 minute at 5.5-6.0 mph flat then 1 minute at 10.0 incline at 6.5-7.0 mph for one minute (w/some extra speed and incline on the last few) I literally almost fell off the treadmill the last minute on the 15.0 incline at 7.5 mph haha...and I repeated that 15 times and then did a 15 minute cool down on the track...I was pretty tired after (not suprisingly!)

Anyway...speaking of that lunch thing I had a little semi binge but not a binge but like from 1-3 today. I wouldnt call it a binge and I stopped it, I guess it was just a reminder to me to make sure I have my regular meals because I didn't have breakfast before I ran today and then ended up eating quite a bit in the afternoon. I will be more careful about sticking to my meals and I think I should be alright.

Posted 8 months ago #
alannah09
Member

OKKkk..So..I feel like I lied (to myself i guess) but I did have an afternoon binge today. It started out as a healthy lunch and then went downhill, but since I posted my last post, I have been reading other peoples and have begin to compile a mental list of reasons I binge. So here is what I have..which is pretty obvious stuff, but I need to write it down for myself...

1.when I am mad at myself for not completing something (like this morning...I wanted to lift weights and then run or swim, but I didn't feel like running after I lifted so I just left the gym).

2.procrastination--if my room is messy or I have to get some work done or anything else..I usually procrastinate by eating--which is dumb because then I just feel fat and gross and bloated and still have to do whatever it was anyway

3. Feel bad about my body--as weird as that seems..when I look in the mirror and see how much I have changed since before I started binging (aka i am larger), I always get really upset and sometimes end up binging which is obviously SOOOOO counter productive

4. being bored (self explanatory)

So..from now on..whenever I feel like I am going to binge. I am going to write in this journal exactly why, and then hopefully solve that rather than eating. I think another thing that is contributing to it is when I don't eat full meals that look like "meals" when they are on the plate. If I eat an apple, then an egg white omlette an hour later with some veggies, and maybe eat a piece of bread later, I never feel like I have really eaten, but if I just get a big dinner plate and make the omlette, slice the apple and put them on the plate, and then toast the slice of bread and slice it in half and put that on the edges I feel like I have a full restaurant breakfast in front of me and I do not get hungry for a while. I think I am going to start making a schedule and sticking to it. The only hard part is that I am leaving for europe saturday, but hopefully I won't be binging on vacation since I will always be busy and eating out. Ugh!

Posted 8 months ago #
Hope777
Member

Its great that you are being honest with yourself and really trying to figure out what is leading you emotional eating. As you start to understand why you feel the need to eat it gets easier to avoid those cravings. I am also one to get upset for not completing a workout. My problem is the weights. After i do cardio i never feel like doing my sit ups and weights. when i skip them i feel guilty. I want to eat so i dont feel this guilt. I try to talk myself through it and forgive myself for not doing a workout, after all some people never work out. I know it gets stressful because it is important for your track sport. when i was training for my bike race i felt so stressed out when i didnt do a workout, plus i was bingeing. About a month before the race i went on spring break to aclopoco, the whole time i drank and didnt work out like i needed to. Overall i felt like i was just going to be so out of shape for the race, but guess what, we ended up WINNING! and i was one of the fastest on my team. Looking back at pictures i was in really good shape when i just felt out of shape. but anyways the point is, dont stress out too much about not completing a workout . I sometimes try to make myself take days off to get used to it. Sometimes when i workout every single day i get so burned out and just taking a day off and maybe walking some makes me extra strong for my workout the next day. It also gets me used to the idea that it is okay to take breaks. I guess the key is not to be so hard on yourself, your workout are intense some people could never run that far so give yourself a pat on the back and a break :).

Procrastination is also something i deal with. I have done better with it lately but only after practicing for a while and see that its so much better if you just get a task done. I wrote in one of my posts about a parking tickets and messy room. It was stressing me out SO MUCH and making me crave food. However i pushed through and dealt with it and felt 100x better after. So i guess just kinda push through and talk to yourself. For example, how can eating clean a messy room haha?

And oh yess--I had a body episode yesterday. It made me want to eat but there is no way i was giving in to the stupid ED. I let myself feel bad then i forced myself to go to the pool, weather i liked my body or not. I even thought about dieting again, i thought i wasnt loosing weight fast enough. Crazy right because i know what diets lead to and it is NOTHING good. Anyways i feel great about my body today and see myself making progress. Sometimes we just have to feel bad and then go on with doing the right thing because in the end it will pay off.

Well now that i have officially written the longest post EVER (sorry haha) I just want end with giving you props for recognizing your binge triggers

Posted 8 months ago #
alannah09
Member

No problem with the super long post. Its always helpful when you realize that other people are going through the exact same thing as you (or have in the past) and they got through it so you can too.
Sooo..after yesterday I woke up this morning and felt really gross and bloated (and my time of the month is in the next couple days which probly did not help), which made me want to binge. Instead, I went for a run and it was really hot and I sweat a lot and I felt a million times better when I got back. We didn't have any healthy food in the house because we are leaving for europe saturday so my mom kinda stopped grocery shopping, sooo I pulled it together and went to the grocery store (which is kinda fancy) and got a tuna avocado sushi roll with brown rice and a big salad and I felt really good after the run and lunch. I checked my e-mail for a while and then went on a bike ride with my dad, and I didn't really have time for dinner before I had to go to les miserables at a opera house downtown so I had a bowl of greek yogurt with blueberries. All of this was to say that after I got back from the play I had some veggie chili and a vanilla fruit yogurt smoothie thing. I am not upset even though it was late at night though because I first made sure that I was TRUELY hungry (but my stomach was growling at the play) and then I decided what I was going to eat before I ate it, and logged it in this nifty log thingy I am using that I found today that tracks cals, fat, protein, vitamins, minerals, everything! Its fantastic and super easy to use and really fast if anyone ever needs anything like that. I would never use those dumb websites that take forever but this thing is really cool! haha.

Anyway, all in all I am proud of my binge free day. I hope im starting a streak! I'll keep everyone updated.

Posted 8 months ago #
Hope777
Member

Great job on just going on a run! WHenever i feel gross it always helps me to just go exercise no matter how much you dont want to, you just feel SO much better afterwards.The Les miserables Opera sounds like alot of fun! I think its fine that you ate late, i read somewhere that is it rubbish how your metabolism slows down at night and that it truly dosnt matter when you eat because if you dont burn it off that night you will the next day. Plus your dinner was small/ stomach was growling so it was defiantly good that you had something to eat. I also had a late dinner last night seeing as i didnt get home until around 10. It great that you were able to go to the store for a healthy lunch rather than snacking on food you dont really want around the house. I find it sometimes hard when you are set on having a meal then dont have anything you want at home, sometimes this causes me to eat something i dont really want just because i dont want to go to the store, but it would actually be better just to wait and eat something fulfilling.

Is the logging calories thing website or something else. If it is online i would be interested in using it! I would love to know how much protein/fat/vits i am getting!

:lol:**Congrats on your binge free day!!***

Posted 8 months ago #
Emma
Member

Hey, nice job for pulling yourself out of that funk in the morning! I HATE waking up and feeling bloated bc you also feel lethargic and it's so hard to do anything, but you handled it so well. I actually overate a little last night and feel like that too, so you're inspiring me to shake it off It sounds like you're doing great, so keep up the good work!!!

Posted 8 months ago #
alannah09
Member

Ok...So I woke up at 7 this morning to go biking with my dad...and I had 2 apricots and a glass of soymilk before I left so I wouldn't be hungry, but then I went to the gym and then hung out with my friends for a while and I didn't eat lunch until 2:00 which is why I am writing now. My mom really wanted to go to this cafe/wingery near our house. I was trying to choose something healthy and got shrimp fajitas..then they arrived at the table and I don't think I have ever seem greasier fajitas--(ugh!) I had planned to only eat half but I was really hungry and then I ended up overeating some. I ate all the fajitas, but it came with 2 HUGE tortillas and I only ate like 1/2-3/4 of one so I was happy about that. Plus...one I realized I was REALLY getting full I stopped..put my napkin on the leftover tortillas so I wouldnt munch on them mindlessly. So, I guess I feel like a bit of a failure, but not compeltely! haha. I wanted to make sure I logged it in my nutrition thingy becaue I knew I would get way of track if I started not doing that, so I looked up the nutrition online and I had like an 800 calorie lunch (woops!), but I don't feel like I have ruined the day. I just want to make sure that I don't keep eating and feel like ruined the day because I didn't. I had a big oily lunch, but I can get on track with a healthy dinner and not even have an over calorie day. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. Well..i think thats all for now. Thanks for listening (reading).

Posted 8 months ago #
Hope777
Member

Hey Alannah! dont feel too bad about the fajitas, its great that you were able to stop because who knows in the past you might have eaten all of them when you werent hungry. Also, the grease probably filled you up but you were maybe hungry in a few hours again? Anyways its a big step to stop eating when you are full especially on food that is really tasty, so great job!

Posted 8 months ago #
alannah09
Member

ugh..so today has been really tough. After all my careful planning I ended up binging. Worse than I have in a while. The one thing I did do that was different than usual is that even though I felt really sick, I made myself sit down at the computer and put everything I ate into that nutrition calculator thing. So, I ended up eating close to 4,500 cals yesterday which is ridiculous, but atleast it made me realize just how much I was eating. I had a big breakdown last night about all of this and started crying and then talked to my mom for awhile. She is going to try to help me more...Then I woke up today and felt horrible, but I knew I didn't want to binge so I ate a god high protein breakfast to make sure I would be full..then I went to go pack because I am leaving for a trip paris/amsterdam/switzerland on saturday. This is when trouble started again because none of my favorite clothes fit me anymore and I didn't even know what to pack because of it. Needless to say I had another breakdown (it is that time of the month btw which may have something to do with me being so overly emotional). But anyway, I am feeling much better now, and I am really going to try not to have anoother binge until I get back from europe..i mean i don't even want to have one when I do get back, but i am just making small goals for now. I think I am going to go try to do some exercise and see if I feel better.

Posted 8 months ago #
Emma
Member

Good for you for being healthy the day after a binge... I know it's really hard. I hope your mom can help - maybe by buying your favorite healthy foods. Your trip sounds AMAZING, you're going to have so much fun! I'm going abroad in 2 days as well and I'm also nervous about not bingeing while I'm away; it's always harder when so many things are out of your control. Sooooo we'll both try to eat really good food in moderation and focus on something other than food. Also, I don't know about the rest but Paris is totally a "walking city," so it should be easy to get exercise in without even noticing too much. Don't focus on the negative and remember not to deny yourself a few croissants... just not an entire bag at a time!

Posted 8 months ago #
alannah09
Member

ok...so this may be my last post before I leave tomorrow, so I thought it should be a positive one especially because I am very happy with myself. As you know from above I was feeling awful this morning, but was determined not to binge today. I ate my breakfast, then I went for a run and I felt much better when I got back, the only thing was that my stomach was literally sore from being stretched I think (ewww!) from all the food last night so trying to do crunches after the run felt really weird. Anyway...I just had some fruit and yogurt for lunch and then had a healthy (mostly veggie) pasta salad for dinner w/ a chopped up veggie burger. I feel really great right now and very proud that I didn't binge. I wanted to leave America on a good food note, and that I have done. Now I can hopefully just keep everything under control for the next week or 2 while I'm away!

Posted 8 months ago #
Emma
Member

You're probably gone by now but this can be a "welcome back" message if you don't get it in time. You're doing so well!! That sounds like a really, really good day, and I think it helps that you're so logical and constructive about your own problems. I hope your trip goes/went well eating-wise, but if not have fun anyway and just get back in the game. I won't be on here for a while either (I'm leaving for over a month!) but when I come back I'm definitely checking in first thing and hopefully we'll BOTH have good news to report. ... You get TWO smiley faces cause you're just that awesome.

Posted 8 months ago #
Hope777
Member

Hey Alannah! Sorry i couldnt post before you left! Great job not bingeing the next day, i know it is SUPER hard but you did so well!! Just going on with the next right thing after a binge is a great thing to do and not fall into a trap so great job!! i hope you have fun on your trip and just relax and enjoy yourself!!!!:)

Posted 8 months ago #
alannah09
Member

So I found some internet in Paris so I thought I would update all of you on my progress on vacation so far. It has actually been going quite well. I have definitely been having some very rich foods, but I rarely snack at all and if I do it is only fruit. So far, I have woken up everymorning and gone to a nearby fruit vendor to get some AMAZING aprocots, sugar plums, cherries, etc. They are so sweet here! Nothing like them in the US that I have ever had. Then around 2 or 3 I have a late lunch. It is usually pretty rich, like a cree that always seems to come with lots of creme sauce of smothered in cheese, or some type of baguette sandwich which is carb and cheese rich. Then around 5 or 6 I have had a small snack, like a mini crossant or a small cup of gelato, then dinner late at like 830 or 9, which is about like lunch. I am not sure how many calories are in everything, but I am also doing quite a lot of walking even if I am overeating a little in calories. Most importantly, I am not bingeing here at all. It may be because I do not really have a lot of food around, but I could easily walk to the corner store and get all kinds of sweets if I really wanted to. Anyway...I haven't binged since last thursday i believe so ...friday,sat,sun,mon, and hopefuly today will be a 5 day streak, which is the longest I can remember in the last couple years so I am really happy!
The only thing that is a tiny bit..annoying is the wrong word, but frusturating is that there are sOOOOO many really skinny french women that I feel huge haha. In the US I usually feel skinny when I haven't binged, but that is not the case at all here. haha. Just though I would rant a little since everything else was quite positive. It does make me happy so see so many women who care about taking care of their bodies and eating quite healthy though...just a little jealous! haha

Posted 8 months ago #
Hope777
Member

Hey Alannah! So happy to hear that you are doing well on vacation. For some reason i usually do well on vacations too. I dont know if it is because i am just so busy or that i am not beating myself up over indulging a bit, and i usally come back loosing a bit of weight. It would be frustrating seeing all the french women, but i hear they are super skinny from allowing themselves to indulge a little bit.:) Whenever i get down about loosing the extra weight so slowly i think about myself 10 years from now and picture myself at a healthy size and totally normal around food bc that is my goal. The fruit sounds delicious! enjoy the rest of your vacation!

Posted 8 months ago #
alannah09
Member

Sooo...my vacation was amazing vacation wise haha and mostly good foodwise..it was just difficult at times. But I am going to move on from there..I was really tired all day today and I ended up not doing my whole workout and I definitely overate a lot. Then, to make it even worse, I was looking at the pictures from the trip and the only thing I was thinking is how enormous I looked in all the pictures. I am just tired and I think that it is just one of those days where nothing is really going well. I am going to sort of start over tomorrow. I am really motivated to stop binging after seeing those pictures though. Its not like I thought I looked fat compared to people in general, I just feel huge compared to myself and how I want myself to look. I dunno, its hard to explain. Hopefully I'll feel better when I wake up tomorrow. I am also going to start doing my workouts in the morning because when I wait I end up overeating and then not finishing my workout cause I am sick like today, which is not good at all. So...I am hoping to do much better tomorrow.

Posted 8 months ago #
Hope777
Member

Hey Alannah! Well, glade to hear you had a good vacation, it seems that doing mostly good on a vacation is actually doing very well because we all know vacations are about letting loose and usually include some very tasty not so healthy foods ( I am on vacation visiting my sister right now). I totally understand how you feel about the pictures. Most people would see me skinny/normal but when i see myself in pictures lately i am not where i want to be and it makes me mad and sad. I found myself doing it today even. Now i just put the picture down and move on and try really hard to do something else and not think about it. I figure i will get to where i want to be slowly and looking at a picture isnt going to help. Today i started crying about it but i kinda helped myself cry because i felt like i needed to so i just listened to some sad songs induce it. After i felt better and went on with my day. Remember you might have not been as happy as you think when you were skinny the unhealthy way. Just picture yourself getting to that comfotable weight of where you want to be by doing it the right way, and being totally normal with food and having other great things in your life besides this constant obsession with food. Just keep doing the right thing and it will get better day by day. So you had a little rocky time but accept it and forgive yourself and do the next right thing.

Posted 8 months ago #
Hope777
Member

Hey Alannah! Well, glade to hear you had a good vacation, it seems that doing mostly good on a vacation is actually doing very well because we all know vacations are about letting loose and usually include some very tasty not so healthy foods ( I am on vacation visiting my sister right now). I totally understand how you feel about the pictures. Most people would see me skinny/normal but when i see myself in pictures lately i am not where i want to be and it makes me mad and sad. I found myself doing it today even. Now i just put the picture down and move on and try really hard to do something else and not think about it. I figure i will get to where i want to be slowly and looking at a picture isnt going to help. Today i started crying about it but i kinda helped myself cry because i felt like i needed to so i just listened to some sad songs induce it. After i felt better and went on with my day. Remember you might have not been as happy as you think when you were skinny the unhealthy way. Just picture yourself getting to that comfotable weight of where you want to be by doing it the right way, and being totally normal with food and having other great things in your life besides this constant obsession with food. Just keep doing the right thing and it will get better day by day. So you had a little rocky time but accept it and forgive yourself and do the next right thing.

Posted 8 months ago #
Hope777
Member

Hey Alannah, hope things are going okay! i havnt heard from you in a while. I think in the past you said posting here has really helped you so i hope everything is okay and your just busy or something! Just thought i would check in!

Posted 8 months ago #
alannah09
Member

hey...I have actually been doing quite well. Yesterday was a really good day. I had every meal sitting at a table and paying complete attention to what I was eating. I even stopped when I was full rather than when the plate was empty, and then my boyfriend came over in the evening so that kept me from binging at night. He left around 12 or 1 and I came upstairs and my mom was eating, and it made me want something so I just warmed up a glass of soymilk (kinda like warm milk people drink before bed (somewhere?)) and just had that and I was fine! Today started off well. I made myself egg whites and steamed veggies with a little soy sausage for breakfast, but then my mom made crepes and I really wanted one and I ended up eating A LOT which made me really mad. Especially because I had a physical for college right after and I had to get weighed and stuff (ugh!). Then we went to the market and I ate some cheese I didn't really want, and I am kind of disappointed in that, but I am writing now instead of letting it turn into a binge so I am happy about that. I figure if I just call all that stuff (which I am thinking is close to 1200 cals) a big brunch or something then I will just wait until dinner and it will be fine. I am also kind of annoyed because I do a lot better with food when I run in the morning cause it kind of clears my head for the day and I couldn't do that because of the doctor. I need to run later though because of I am already a little behind on my schedule for college for the week so that is helpful atleast.
I also see Polly and Marie today. haha. Polly is my therapist and Marie is my nutritionist so seeing them both in one day should really get me jump-started. I am still really annoyed about my eating earlier today though. I was really happy today cause I really try not to weigh myself and I hadn't in a few weeks and eating more and binging less is actually making a difference. Three weeks ago when I started posting here I weighed about 132-133 (I would just say 130 though. hah!) and I weighed myself this morning and weighed 125! Some of that might be water and stuff but that a pretty big difference and I havent really felt deprived so yay! The number doesn't really change how I feel though unfortunately. I don't feel like I really look any different...but maybe that is coming.

Posted 8 months ago #
alannah09
Member

sorry for the essay btw!

Posted 8 months ago #
Hope777
Member

Hey Alannah!
I hate getting weighted for physicals-- i choose not to know my weight (it usually only gets me down no matter how low the number is). I often ask them to not tell me or i dont look. I toootally know what you mean about exercising in the morning if i dont get it done in the morning its like im stressing about it all day! I have gotten used to doing my workouts at all times of the day but i had to work at this and put my own needs before others. Meaning if i hadnt done my workout yet and my friends called to do something i told them i would just meet them later without feeling guilty about it. Sometimes you loose weight in differnt areas such as your butt or like arms hah so you wont really notice a difference but others will. It seems like you are making progess!

Posted 8 months ago #
alannah09
Member

Well I had a good day and a bad day. Yesterday was not good at all. It was going well until I ate a bowl of cereal that I didn't really want to, and somehow I just completely lost control. I just kept eat more and more and felt totally sick. So sick I just walked to my room and feel asleep in my clothes at 7pm...On a side note, I did only get about 3 hrs of sleep the night before. But I woke up today and felt much better. I planned my day by writing a to-do list of everything I had to do for the day and when I would be eating and this has really helped a lot. I even went to a festival this afternoon that had a ton of fried food, ice cream, hamburgers, hotdog, etc. It also had a big fruit stand at it and the I ended up eating basically just a ton of blueberries and cherry tomatoes, I actually ate a lot..probably like a pint of each, but it was just blueberries and tomatoes and it was my lunch along with a little soychicken I ate on the way. So I am quite happy with today. I havent decided what to do about dinner yet though because I ate my "lunch" at like 5:00 and I am going to my friend's 21st birthday at 9 so I am thinking I might just have something small so I am not hungry but don't feel too weighted down for drinking. I'll be thinking hard about it though since I had such a good day so far.

Posted 8 months ago #
Hope777
Member

Hey Alannah! This would happen to me in the beginning to when I would have something really good and just keep going. What i did was tell myself i could have as much as i wanted as long as i sat down at the table and ate it with utensils and chewed eat bite. This really forced me to think about what i was doing. I find that if i binge i am usually walking around or eating it so fast i cant think about it. after about two bowls i find myself thinking its really silly to binge because it isn't going to help anything. Even though i was full, a couple hours later it digested and i felt fine, even hungry again. Sometimes our stomachs feel really full and we feel like we ruined everything but in reality you probably didnt really overdue it too much. You may have binged from the lack of sleep you got from the night before. Whenever i am sleepy i want to binge because i am tired but i know i have stuff to do so cant sleep and so on. Maybe next time just think to yourself sleeping and maybe not being so productive is better than bingeing and just listen to what your body needs without feeling guilty (idk if this is your case but it happens with me). Glad to hear you had a good day! hope you had a fab time at your friends 21st!

Posted 8 months ago #
alannah09
Member

So I haven't been writing for a few days but I have been doing quite well and think I finally have it figured out. I now wake up every morning and the first thing I do is make a to-do list for the day..just an app in my itouch (because it looks cool when you check things off) anyway..I put 5 small meals in my todo list too. Anyway..I make sure I do some little physical activity before breakfast because it helps me feel more in control...then I generally have greek yogurt with frozen blueberries and fresh strawberries for breakfast..then I get some of my to-dos done...the next meal is a bowl of fruit salad with a big scoop of cottage cheese...then I do my running/working out for the day...then lunch is late like 3ish and is veggies and a veggie burger of veggie chicken or something usually with some fruit...more to-dos..then a soymilk smoothie in the late afternoon...and then around 8 ill have pasta and veggies and soyburger with tomato sauce...I know it sounds reptitive but it keeps me happy and satisfied all day and I have been doing really well recently. I did have one bad day..and it was the only day I didn't make my to-do list so I think I might see a pattern! haha ill continue to let you all know how it goes.

Posted 8 months ago #
Hope777
Member

Great to hear that you are doing well! I agree that to do lists help keep everything in order. Maybe you can gradually go from making these to-do lists to just knowing what you have to do everyday. Just alittle tip would be to practice some days without planning. I know when i used to stick too much to a schedule if i would have aday where ididnt follow some sort of schedule i would end up binging because i would feel out of control. This usually happend when i would go out and party and then thenext day i would just feel so yucky and out of controlhaha. So maybe have some sort of plan if you dont follow a schedule, (ex-cant workout one day or follow aschedule just conntinue to eat every three hours bc one day without planning or doing something productive wont hurt.) :)Keep up the good work!

Posted 8 months ago #
alannah09
Member

Thats defineately a good idea. That actually almost happened yesterday. I ended up not running and way overate around 3 (I started eating granola out of the box and just kept eating) I finally managed to put it away, but then went to an Italian restaurant for dinner. I felt really full and then had some ice cream. Just then, my friend called and said I should come out cause she was going to a party. I felt really full but decided I would just go anyway. I didn't drink a drop but still had a lot of fun and didn't get home until 4am so clearly lack of alcohol didn't make my night end early. I was really happy I went out and I am sure I burned off some of the extra food just by being awake and moving until 4am. I had a great day today and I think it was because I was so happy about kind-of stopping my bad day yesterday before it went way down hill. I was also not as hungry today but I still ate every 3 hrs to make sure that I wasn't undereating and I feel perfect right now. Yay control!

Posted 7 months ago #
Hope777
Member

Thats great that you still went out even though you felt full, thats very hard to do but i know once im out i always feel better. Props on going out and not drinking bc thats hard to do too.It seems like you are making better choices even when you are not perfect which is defenitly a sign that you are on your way to recovery. Way to go!

Posted 7 months ago #
alannah09
Member

Today and yesterday were both pretty good days. I may have overeaten a little on cals today but I was way under cals yesterday so I am ok with it! I realized that I am getting off my every 3 hrs eating and getting a little bit too much into grazing. I still was making sure to eat around 2000 but I was eating a bagllion little 200 ish cal meals and thats not good at all cause I am trying to get better habbits..not the right number of cals. I think I have been paying to much attention to calories instead of meals. I am going to try and work more on that tomorrow.

I think I am also having a lot of trouble because I know that I should stick to 2000 but I have gained so much weight (like 15-20lbs) since the fall. Its like I gained the senior 15 and I don't want to start college this way. I leave in less than a month so its not like I am going to lose that much weight but I dunno. I am just feeling really down about all of this. It is just really hard. I look back at facebook pics of when I was skinnier and I just look so happy. I think it is also bothering me because I went to cross country practice with all the people who are still in high school on the team I used to run for, just for fun. Anway, I was running next to this girl and she was like "Im going to McDonalds after this..actually no..I need to lose some weight." Then she looked at me and goes "not that its bad but you are actually looking kind of chunky...I mean just because you used to be really skinny...not that our fat" It was super awkward and made me feel awful...ugh. What a lovely day. I guess I had always pretended to myself that noone could really tell that I gained the weight. Oh...and my cross country coach told me I was looking "strong and healthy." To me...that means "bigger than you used to be" GREAATTTT. Anyway...even with feeling down about that I still came in under 2000 cals today. I just kinda grazed though so I plan on going back to square meals tomorrow.

Posted 7 months ago #
icecreamjunkie
Member

alannah, i am sorry you had a rough day today.

sometimes i think we take what other people say and we hear the worst thing it could possibly mean, just because our minds are so screwed up.

try not to let their comments get you down.

sometimes when i exercise and people are passing me on the trail, i get really discouraged thinking ugh im just fat and i cant do this and no matter what im going to be fat and a binger. but then i try to put positive thoughts in my head and repeat over and over again "im doing this for myself, im not doing this for anyone else, this is for me!" its sorta helped me a little

and i am sure the girl and your coach were trying to let you know they thought you were too skinny before.

and i know what you mean about seeing pictures of yourself, when i see recent pictures of me i feel like a WALE! but on the other end, when i see pictures of me from before, when i was well pretty sickly, i cant bear to look at those either, they are disgusting. i just need to work on finding a happy medium somwhere in between where i was and where i am now.

sorry for rambling on!

Posted 7 months ago #
Hope777
Member

Hey Alannah,
Ugh-- its the worst when you are feeling down about your body. Ive had some bad days where i had to be in a bathing suit just hating my body. I even thought about going back on a diet, but in my heart i know diets dont work so i just stuck to eating a healthy amount of calories. I knew the weight was coming off just very slow and i wanted so badly to just be at the place where i was super skinny! Over these last two weeks i can tell so much that i have lost the binge weight and i can fit back into my skinny clothes (they still fit a little snug but at least i can get into them!). So i am telling you just stick with the normal eating if you can, you may not notice any weight coming off right away but it will i promise esp. with all the running you do! Whenever i felt down about my body i would notlet myself look at old skinny pictures and say to myself "i want to first FIX this problem i have, then once i am normal with food my body will follow and i will naturally become thinner. It is so good that you came here and talked about how you were feeling though. I keep another journal on my laptop where i write out how i am feeling, if i am feeling fat ect. and what i can do about it (and it really helps). P.S --that girl is SO rude for saying anything on your appearance, try to think of it this way that you are healing and getting healthier each day and eventually the extra weight will come off :). It is okay so be sad about the commit though so try jounraling about it so it wont lead you to emotional eating.

Posted 7 months ago #
alannah09
Member

Thanks for all the encouragement...I feel a little better today. I did end up overeating a little last night, but I ate at the table and stopped long before it became a binge. Today though, has not been so good. I am not really sure why. I think I just kept eating because everyone was still at the table. Not only do I regret it, but I can also tell that my body wants to go into binge mode...that might not make sense but I get this like feeling that I am about to binge, so I am staying away from the kitchen. I had planned on running around 630 so hopefully I will not still feel full and sick then. I had even planned out my eating for today in advance because that has been helping me...ugh. Maybe I am still just stressed about my weight and everything. I am even procrastinating about shopping for college and deciding what clothes to give away, hoping that all my clothes will fit again by the time I leave (even though I know they wont). Well I will do my best to not continue or let it turn into a binge. I think I might just go take a nap.

Posted 7 months ago #
stay at home mom
Member

HI Alannah: that's great to go for a run/nap/do anything to put a 'gap' in that bingey premonition you are getting. I know sometimes I miss that feeling of bingeing and enjoying tasting more food...try to talk to yourself that you will enjoy the feeling of deferring eating until hungry again. Good luck,
Helen

Posted 7 months ago #
Hope777
Member

Hey Alannah--I also have trouble nibbling if everyone else is still eating at the table. Now i try to eat my food very slow when i am eating with others and keep refilling my water so i have something to put in my mouth. Also, when i got bigger i decided i was so sick of trying to fit into my skinny clothes that i got a couple of things that really did fit well. Now the shorts i bought are way to big but it always makes me feel better when i put them on. I didnt get rid of my smaller clothes but i just put them away. Maybe it would be benifical to keep your clothes and just put them away for a while (the items tat dont fit) and get a couple things that do fit, this way you wont be so stressed about HAVING to loose the weight quickly and allow it to come of slowly.

Also perhaps you are having a bad day bc you are focused on your body and how it is not up to par with how you want it to look. I know its hard but try to focus on something else. Whenever i feel yucky i still try to look pretty (do my hair, makeup,ect and i usually feel better)

Posted 7 months ago #

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