Binge Eating Forum

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Binge Eating Forum » Eating Accountability Journal

1. 

   jesslove
   Member

   This is the first time i've ever done anything like this, sought online help or reached out to strangers..
   Since I was 15, 7 years ago, I have been dealing with and eating disorder. It began with starvation, I reached 45 kilos at 15, and from there has turned into a vicious cycle of starving, dropping weight, bingeing and purging, or just bingeing. My weight has significantly fluctuated too many times to remember.

   In July of 2010 I reached the heaviest I have ever been at 65 kilos. I'm 5"4 (163 cm). For 6 months i dieted and exercised like a crazy person and got down to 47 kilos, and began to fear food and starve myself. In June of 2011, about a year since I started my weight-loss, I began binge eating every day until i almost instantly regained nearly all my weight loss. My world fell apart. I had been thin for a year, bought an entire new wardrobe. People would come to me asking for advice, everyone knew about my weight loss, i was talked about, worried about, my life was amazing because I was thin, I had finally done it. My battle with eating was over.. Until i gained nearly all of it back a year later.

   I became anti social, depressed, hopeless and helpless. I found myself in hospital spending 3 nights due to illness brought upon by my binge eating. I dieted and failed and exercised and failed a thousand times over. I again found myself in hospital after extremely exercising and dieting with severe glandular fever, which I currently have and have had for a month. My immune system has given up on me. And 2 nights ago, again, in hospital. It seems my bowels are now as sensitive as my stomach, I have developed IBS. I have lost some of the weight due to the dieting, exercise and recently due to glandular fever. I am now 56 kilos, I have been very healthy for the last few weeks in an attempt to rid myself of this virus (and also continue my weight-loss- stupid, i know, considering I need all the strength i can get in order to get better). 3 days ago however, i began to binge. I have not eaten a lot of junk food on my binges in the last few days, mostly healthy but sugary and carby foods (fruits/nuts/bran cereal/honey/toast), except for a small amount of ice cream and chocolate. I have been so proud of myself with my weight loss and nutritional eating in order to heal myself from glandular fever, and now i am facing IBS on top of that AND this stupid re-occurring bingeing. Once again, I thought i was free from bingeing as for the past month I have been eating 5-6 small nutritional meals, hoping to heal from glandular and heal my metabolism/conquer poor eating habits). I am fearing that the pain and illness from binge eating is going to put me in hospital again, I am in fearing that I will binge again tomorrow for the 4th day in a row, and i am fearing that im going to (for the god knows how many'th time in my life) embark upon yet another downward spiral of bingeing, depression, anti-social ness and weight gain.

   If i do this, i will delay my glandular fever healing process immensely, not to mention put my mental health at risk and further damage my physical health. I NEED HELP AND I NEED SUPPORT.

   How can i believe in myself, know that i deserve to be healthy and happy and walk away from food - it is so not worth it.. I am so happy with the healthy way i have been eating so nutritiously, i am so happy with my healthy slow weight-loss, but at this moment right now in time, my stomach is huge and bloated and hurts from being so full, i feel i have already gained a kilo, and i am in so much fear that tomorrow will be another binge day. Please help me. I need my life back, i need my health back. I want to see food healthily. I'm sick of seeing food as either numbers, comfort, or an enemy. I just want to see food as a healthy, enjoyable, nutritious friend.

   I feel i am 21 and slowly losing my soul, my health and my mind.

   I want this to be my first and final journal of my beginning and end to my damaging eating. I am accountable, I am in control, I and I alone have the power to heal and find health. I know all this, I just seek support and helpful hints in order build mental strength and learn to love myself and care for myself enough to stop being unhealthy.

   Posted 3 months ago #
2. 

   charlie
   Member

   Hello Jesslove and welcome to this forum. You have definitely found a place where you will feel support and understanding. My EDs have followed a very similar pattern to yours - although perhaps not quite as extreme - but I can totally relate to what you are saying.
   You sound totally aware of your eating habits and you know what goals you are hoping to achieve. That is a great start! I would say to tackle one issue at a time and take it slowly. At the moment I guess your priority is to not binge? Focus on that for now - eat what/when you like but don't binge. Only you know what you classify as a binge but have that as your first goal. When the binge eating has gone then you can address other elements of your eating.
   You are strong and you can do it. I believe in you. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Take the power away from the food. You are worth so much more.
   Charlie xx

   Posted 3 months ago #
3. 

   lusana
   Member

   That is such good advice xx

   Posted 3 months ago #
4. 

   jesslove
   Member

   So the past few days since i first posted and began this journal have been interesting..
   I spent 2 whole days very sick after that post, in a lot of severe abdominal pain and spent 2 whole nights on the toilet and vomiting. I guess my insides are really telling me to stop, and i have to listen. I did overeat the first day which caused the first episode of pain and a night in the bathroom, but the following day i was obviously very careful and ate very plain foods, i think i ate too much plain toast (i hadn't eaten toast in a month) and that is the reason for the following night being spent again in the bathroom. It was a horrific 48 hours. I hope no one experiences that sort of pain in their life. It was disguisting and it is so not worth going through anything like that for FOOD.

   I then spent 2 days eating very plainly in fear of eating anything that might upset my stomach. Just plain boiled potatoes/rice/rice porridge. I also began reading "brain over binge", spoke to my psychotherapist and began doing a lot of self-reflecting. From what i have read of 'brain over binge' (i highly recommend to everyone dealing with eating issues), it truly is only up to me to regain and reclaim my life. Yes, the guidance, support and advice from others is great for encouragement and direction, but at the end of the day, i am left by myself, with my mind, with my thoughts, with the power to put whatever food i want into my mouth. This is why it is me and me alone who can help myself.

   I have written up positive affirmations and stuck them on my mirror, and have realised that above all, i need mental strength. Mental strenth to constantly believe and remember that i deserve health and happiness. The mental strength to be able to walk away and resist putting myself in an un healthy situation because above eating, i put my health as a priority. With strenth, self-belief, and knowing that i am deserving of a healthier, proud and happier life, i will conquor this demon.

   Yesterday i visited a naturopath who really put things into perspective for me and it really gave me a rude awakening. If i continue on this path of physical (and mental) destruction, that i have been following for the last 7 years of my life via starvation, bingeing, purging, inconsistancy, fluctuating, my condition will no longer be reversable. Right now, i can reverse the damage i have caused to my bowels/stomach/immune system. But in a few years of continuing on this path of destruction, I may very well end up with severe/critical/terminal illnesses and problems with my insides. It scared me to hear this, and really put things into perspective for me.

   He also gave me a guideline of what my diet should be based on over the next 2 weeks, majority of it being fruit/vegetables/nuts/minimised wheat/no dairy/seeds/minimised animal protein in order to regulate my insides and not irritate them. I'm fine witht this as these are the foods I do love and i am really determined to becoming the healthiest I can be.

   So far, pretty good. Yesterday went well, it's weird for me to try and fill up with out carbs and only minimal protein, so i have to really plan out when i eat what during the day. I hate feeling hungry it plagues my mind and i cant stop thinking about it. This morning for breakfast i had a big bowel of fruit, dried fruit, nuts and soy milk. I still felt hungry so had a small amount of brown rice and veggies. I now know that in the morning, i have to have some kind of carb as breakfast is my favourite meal, im most hungry in the mornings.

   Planning for the rest of the day to be veggie and protein filled

   Another big tip the naturopath gave me, which is obviously a no brainer, is to stop counting calories. He said something great - that there are only 3 over-weight animals in this world: Pet dogs, cats, and humans. The pets because it is humans who feed them, and humans becuase we overeat and eat when we are NOT hungry. He pointed out that in the wild, there are no overweight animals - why? they simply eat when theyre hungry - and they dont even count calories! Proving to me that weight gain is caused by eating obviously not only unhealthily, but when we are not hungry. Today and yesterday i have refrained from counting calories which i am proud of!

   Sorry this post is so long. I am so excited to re-build a healthier, happier me.

   Posted 3 months ago #
5. 

   jesslove
   Member

   ugh its 4:30 pm, wrote that last post 6 hours ago and have been grazing since.. stopping when i feel full but still, have eaten way too much I hate having glandular fever and being stuck at home, not being active or able to do anything is definitely making it harder to resist food. Im eating out of sheer boredom which is bad. I hope tomorrow is a fresh start

   Posted 3 months ago #
6. 

   jesslove
   Member

   So the last 2 days have been really good. Im on my third day of no restriction, no binge, 5 small balanced meals. Im doing great so far. As motivation, I try to remember what i so desperately want and seek: Health, confidence, pride, happiness, to never feel sick from food, to never want to hide again because of food.. so far it's working. The next time i feel a temptation coming on i simply have to run downstairs to my bedroom and calm myself and read over my positive affirmations/the reasons why i never want to binge. I have began a journal and wrote in it after a binge last week. I wrote how disgusting and awful i felt, and will re-read it as often as i can and when i am feeling tempted as a reminder that it is NOT WORTH IT. Today is day 3 of leaving my binge behind, and god willing this time it's for good.

   Posted 3 months ago #

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