and i just finished a binge..... i hate how this is such a weakness of me. How can I be the new me if I keep on binging? I feel like a fat pig, I can't fit into my clothes and I'm so tired of hiding behind clothes. I used to be so skinny and pretty. I'm embarassed to meet anyone who I knew in high school because I gained weight. I hate how this is ruining pleasure. Today I got annoyed to the point of even needing to take a walk outside to cool off because my mother went in the basement where I was planning on binging in secret. It felt like withdrawl! I got adjitated, miserable and did not even want to be in her presence because I was mad. over food, yes that is so not normal. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so dissappointed with myself because I know I can be that girl again...the one who enjoyed life and wore nice clothes. not sweatpants everyday....not large sweatshirts....i used to love shopping and even spending time with friends.. now I am a slave to my binging... but this is just a slipup....tomorrow is a different day (and even as i write that i think yeah..im going to binge again like always) my thinking is messed up. i don't have a plan of attack and that is scaring me. i'm so scared of this weight...that it is never going to go away. I'm the only one who can change this....I wish i could just give it to someone else to solve. I wish my mom could just take it and make it go away. But no, this is no one's battle but my own. This is so hard. The battle with myself is a hard one, and I'm loosing confidence that I can beat it. I haven't had a week without binging in a long time. Well, for all of you that read this thank you. I figured instead of posting my feelings in a journal where no one can see it, I'll post it here, where anyone can respond. So feel free to say anything...i'm open to all suggestions even criticism on my terrible spelling haha. sorry i was on a rant. anyway, i'm going to go to bed so i can sleep this off.
-hopeless
