http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ Support to stop binge eating, stop emotional eating, and stop overeating. en Tue, 09 Feb 2010 12:13:29 +0000 http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/nats-journal#post-52734 Sun, 10 Jan 2010 22:44:05 +0000 Nat 52734@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>First day back at work for 2010 and what day! It's been a thumbs up day for me. One of those days where you see life as so positive and full of opportunity. I came to work bouncing with energy, happiness and a great will to be a better person to myself and to those around me.</p> <p>I'm no bitch. I think I'm a kind person but we all get caught up in our own worlds that we tend to stress on the small things and let it fill our minds with negative thoughts. Sometimes I find myself nagging or drilling my opinions into other peoples heads even when I don't even believe them myself. I think it's just to create an issue or to cure my boredom, I have no idea but it's not me and this year I'm going to change.</p> <p>I have realised that having a negative mind really kills my confidence and belief in myself. This has been a huge impact on my binge eating. When I binge, I feel unworthy and a failure. If I keep thinking of putting myself down, I just dig my hole deeper and can't seem to crawl out of it. These holidays have been a real change for me. I have begun to love and appreciate myself. I look in the mirror every day and I point out things that I love. I used to want to be skinny so so bad that I thought I would only lead a miserable life unless I was a twig and looked a certain way. I used to feel this deep depression in my gut when I thought what life would be like as a curvy woman. Then I found this quote:</p> <p><em><strong>The more you wish, the more you suffer</em></strong></p> <p>It made so much sense. The more I wished to be skinny, the unhappier I was becoming as a person.. when all along I thought it would make me happy?</p> <p>Anyway I've taken another approach to beat my binging. It's not what I eat, how many calories, how much I exercise or how many carbs I have. I have focused on my well being and being completely content with myself and my life. I've read a few books based on Buddhism and finding true happiness in all aspects of my life and I feel like a totally new person.</p> <p>In the morning I get up half an hour early, do some gentle stretching, play some quiet, motivating music and sit and clear my mind. I think of all the things I have to be grateful for. Then I begin my day with a positive attitude and feel so much happier. I notice myself being a kinder, more gentle person who I knew had been hiding for a little while.</p> <p>Call me crazy, but learning to not sweat the small stuff and to find happiness in every aspect of my life has changed my way of thinking and I hardly think of food anymore. It's not the be all and end all of my life. I am just grateful to be here, have a beautiful family and friends and to have so many life opportunities. </p> <p>Food is great! But my well being is better <img src="http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/bb-plugins/bb-smilies/default/icon_smile.gif" title=":)" class="bb_smilies" /> </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/laurens-journal#post-42185 Sun, 04 Oct 2009 13:19:45 +0000 Lauren 42185@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>I've decided to start a journal because I feel that coming on here and talking about the issues I face each day are helping me overcome this ED.</p> <p>Today is my 9th day binge free and I feel really good! I am really trying to do this whole intuitive eating thing and trying not to think about weight loss by avoiding counting calories or stepping on a scale. Now I do admit I tried on a couple pairs of pants last night to see if they were looser and I have occasionally caught myself at the end of the day trying to figure out around how many calories a day I've had but I say progress is progress. The fact that I am eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm full IS progress! The fact that I have NO forbidden foods right now is progress. And the fact that I am making social plans instead of isolating myself all the time is progress. So even though each day is a challenge I feel like I am heading in the right direction for the first time in a long time. </p> <p>Yesterday I met a friend at a cafe/bakery and it was the first plans with a friend I have made in months. I had a really nice time hanging out with her and really it didn't cause near the amount of anxiety that I thought it would. I had about 1/3 of a vegan chocolate peanut butter bar and felt satisfied and not tempted to binge at all so thats great! I don't know why most of the time I would prefer to be alone watching movies, TV or reading then hanging out with people but hopefully during this process I can relearn how to enjoy being with other people. Who would have thought that this antisocial girl was once on homecoming court in high school lol. I guess thats actually a good thing because if I think back to the completely different social girl I was 8 years ago that means that I can be completely different than how I am now 5 years from now. That means I don't have to be a binge eater forever! Its just going to take a little work...</p> <p>I was suppose to work today but they put me on-call so I think I am going to go get a Soy Latte from Starbucks and enjoy the rest of this Sunday.</p> <p>I look forward to eating what I want, when I'm hungry, and having a healthy relationship with food! I wish everyone luck in their journey and hope we all keep progressing to a life uncontrolled by BED! </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/the-start-of-ashs-food-journal-help-appreciated#post-57926 Mon, 08 Feb 2010 01:05:46 +0000 ashwillgetbetter 57926@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>I thought it's about time i get my problem out there, as terrified as i am for people to find out about what's controlling me. I'd love to be more open about my obsession with food, my anxiety problems, depression and various other conditions i could keep using as excuses for making things better, but i don't want to be known for my faults, so always keep them to myself and suffer in silence. </p> <p>I've seen various counsellors and psychologists before, which have diagnosed me with anxiety/depression and OCD tendancies.. but little do they, or anyone else know that my unhealthy relationship with food is the underlying problem.. it killls me that i've never been able to open up about it. So as usual, i come online searching for answers and tips to stop the cycle, to which i only feel more hopeless.. as every time i restart the journey to wellbeing, theres noone to share it with or keep track of my progress anyways.. it does seem pointless sometimes. </p> <p>I kinda feel like i'm ranting now.. anyways!</p> <p>I hope i've made the right decision in coming here, it's a last resort really as i've really been losing it lately. I just want to get out of this downward spiral, it's the most frustrating thing knowing you were on track a week ago and now are back to the beginning, after all that hard effort controlling yourself well with food &amp; working out so perfectly.. i really was getting places and it angers me :'(</p> <p>Anyway that's enough for now, just wanted to get my basic story out there and hopefully this is the start of something better happening...</p> <p>If anyone dares to keep up with my progress i'll be very grateful! </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/julias-journal#post-54915 Sun, 24 Jan 2010 22:45:48 +0000 Julia 54915@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>I just want to start by thanking those people who responded to my first post, it's definitely reassuring to know that there are people all over the world going through the same issues and who are willing to give help and support. </p> <p>Soooo I went back to school today after a month long break of doing absolutely nothing and I am so happy!! It feels really good to be around so many people again and I'm excited to start classes again. Already I'm feeling more stimulated and motivated to do things instead of being alone, watching tv and bingeing.</p> <p>This morning before I left I wasn't hungry but ended up having bread with a lot of peanut butter, but I realized I was feeling kind of anxious and nervous about going back to school so I managed to stop myself before going too far. And I wasn't that hungry for dinner so I had a salad with some beans and corn mixed into it. The good thing about college is that I'm usually not eating alone, and that's when I tend to binge. </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/i-just-need-some-support#post-55710 Fri, 29 Jan 2010 13:08:03 +0000 xxdeed 55710@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>Hey guys. I'm new to the site as of 5 minutes ago, haha. I just binged again and I am feeling so low right now.</p> <p>I can't really talk to anybody in my life about my problem because it's so embarrassing and I feel like if I talked to them, they would judge me or scrutinize my body as I told my story. I really want to get a therapist, but it's not paid for by insurance so I don't have the money right now. I'm hoping this website can help me.</p> <p>I'm not overweight but I will be very soon if I don't stop. I've been on diets for years, am actually studying to be a nutritionist, but sometimes I just hate myself so much that I can't stop eating. I'll be shoving things into my mouth as I'm thinking, "STOP. You're not hungry. You're binging. STOP EATING." And I literally just can't.</p> <p>I'm 19 years old and living at home while I go to school. My whole family eats terribly but it doesn't affect their weight. I'm tempted by their foods when they aren't home (I'm a vegetarian and eat super healthy in front of other people).</p> <p>My binges are almost daily now and my exercise has dropped significantly. I usually binge in the afternoon when no one's home then don't eat for the rest of the night or exercise at night so I can have something small for dinner.</p> <p>Finding this website will hopefully be a really big help to me, and I thank you all in advance for your support <img src="http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/bb-plugins/bb-smilies/default/icon_smile.gif" title=":)" class="bb_smilies" /> </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/break-the-cycles-back#post-58012 Mon, 08 Feb 2010 13:24:05 +0000 break the cycle 58012@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>wel, havent posted in awhile but of course im back because i just binged for 2 days straight. im really upset because i went over a month without binging and was doing really well. up until sat, sun and into today, i have been binging. ughhhh. i know exactly why though. i have been snowed in since friday night. i have had nothing to do but cook, bake and eat and that is exactly what i did for 2 days straight. oh ya, i also tried to exercise like crazy but that never makes the guilt go away. i even started to binge today because i have a little anxiety going back to work and getting out of my house for the first time in a few days. i want desperately to get back on track. i promised myself today i would start new but here i am posting and binging at the sametime while feeling the effects of the weekend. how do i get back to taking control? help me, please, i felt so good about myself. i totally binged out of boredom. i had nothing else to look forward to than eating and thats what i did. now im full, bloated and disgusted. </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/joyces-journal#post-42607 Tue, 13 Oct 2009 23:47:06 +0000 Joyce 42607@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>It feels so horrible having to tell that you binged two days out of the last three. I just don't understand why I can't stop when I want to so badly. I don't even know what triggered the binges. I am so angry at myself and embarrassed too! I really didn't want to post anything tonight but I knew that I had to. This is my last chance for help. I don't want to give up the fight and let the binges take over. I'll continue to make my entries in this journal and confess my weaknesses, and maybe I'll be able to share some victories too. </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/recovery#post-55631 Thu, 28 Jan 2010 23:41:48 +0000 DC 55631@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>I never thought I would ever entitle something I write with that word. Having written it, I actually have to take a deep breath and stop the tears. It is so freaking big.</p> <p>I know that this is my recovery, though. Everything is different this time around. Everything makes sense and falls into place suddenly.</p> <p>I read so many books over the past years, faced unresolved issues from my past, learned to identify and confront my feelings, learned what is important to me, learned about my weaknesses, learned what drives me and why, learned what holds me back. I learned about being kind to myself, letting go, forgiving myself, forgiving life for not being perfect. I found spirituality. I learned about hormone imbalance and the influence it has on food cravings, found out everything I could about nutrition and how it affects my body and the way I feel... </p> <p>Nothing ever helped me with my eating and the debilitating effects it had on my life and my health. To the contrary: I continued to get worse with each year. The cycles of starving and eating myself into a coma, along with exercising more than a body can possibly take, kept getting more extreme and changed more rapidly from one to the other. I now think the complete meltdown I had last week, eating myself into a coma for 10 days straight after an 8-month-period of practically not eating, is where it had all headed for all these years.</p> <p>I can feel you guys thinking: "Don't be too excited, don't be too confident, don't think you've got this figured out. This beast does not go away in a single moment." I know that. I know there is still a long road ahead of me. That is why I’m starting this journal. But that day when I thought I could not get any lower, when I literally thought this is either finally living or finally giving up that was the turning point for me. </p> <p>I will write here because it helps me, to connect to all of you out there who can understand. I still don’t have words to explain how big it was for me to read your stories in this forum. It was so big to see that there are people who understand the fight I have been fighting with for so long. I know it sounds a little dumb. Of course I knew there were other people with eating disorders, but to me that was a faceless, nameless gray crowd I never really had any access to. I could’ve never imagined there were other people besides me with a peanut butter-problem…</p> <p>And I hope that what I find out about myself, my journey, my successes and setbacks will help someone someday. </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/please-help-me-1#post-58200 Tue, 09 Feb 2010 04:09:00 +0000 piper0526 58200@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>i'm 5'8'' and currently weigh 148 lbs. at this time last year i was right around 120. I binge everyday, all day. there is seriously not a time during the day that i'm not bingeing. Even right now as i write this, i'm eating a cookie literally the size of my face and dipping in in milk. i don't even know what to say because i am so frustrated and miserable. my whole life is falling apart because of this, but i just can't control it. i guess i'll just start from the very beginning.</p> <p>my freshman year of high school is when it all started. i was a normal eater for a freshman, always eating junk like fries and ice cream and chocolate. i was skinny, but one day noticed i had a little extra pouch just in my stomach that i would like to have lived without. i had never even thought about my weight or being fat before, so this caught me by surprise. i decided i would lose the extra weight because i didn't really like it. i slowly began cutting down on dessert and i would do crunches almost everyday in my room. i didn't see any results, so i cut out dessert entirely and upped the crunches to hour long ab exercises. i thought i still had extra weight, even though looking back in retrospect i'm pretty sure i didn't need to lose weight from the beginning, so i started cutting back on unhealthy food in general. i upped my exercises to full body workouts: i did lunges and crunches and back exercises and pushups. anything i could think of that would help me lose weight i did. by the summer after that freshman year i had no body fat at all, but i did not look too skinny, i just looked good.<br /> my obsession with my weight continued through my sophomore year, and i was down to 105 pounds by that spring. i was still trying to lose weight until one day my mom saw me in a bathing suit as i was modeling it for her and she yelled at me for being way too skinny. i took it as a compliment and asked her if it looked good. she told me i looked way too skinny and needed to gain weight, otherwise she was taking me to the doctor who would really do something about it. that night i studied my body in the mirror and realized i was, actually, too skinny. i could control my weight so easily, i had so much will power somehow, that i gained 5 pounds in the next week and a half easily. when i had reached that five pounds i was able to easily keep my weight at 115.<br /> this continued throughout my junior year, still doing exercises everyday and still eating small amounts of healthy food. however, about halfway through my junior year, i noticed that every couple of weeks or so i would eat out of control. i would eat entire boxes of cereal at once, or five apples, or boxes of blueberries and strawberries. the food i binged on was always healthy, just excessive. i hated that i did this, and after i would finish i would over exercise even more than usual. despite the binges, my weight didn't change and i figured that was just my body's way of getting the food it needed to stay alive, because i knew i was, in reality, too skinny.<br /> then the summer after my junior year i noticed that i started to lose my great power to control what i ate. i started eating more, exercising less, and as a result gaining weight. by the end of the summer i weighed 125, which i thought was too much. obviously 125 is still extremely thin for someone who is 5'8'', but at the time i didn't realize that. when i started into my senior year i was bingeing probably 3 times a week. all of a sudden, probably just 2 weeks into school, i started bingeing out of control everyday. it was still all healthy food, but i was really bingeing. i would eat 5 granola bars, a box of cereal, and endless amounts of fruit all in 30 mins. i was rapidly gaining weight and stopped exercising all together. by december i was 145 and completely miserable. i barely fit into any of my clothes, in fact i could only squeeze my huge thighs and butt into once pair of jeans. i had cellulite all over my body and could grab fat everywhere. my binges were no longer healthy food, but consisted of almost only junk. i couldn't stay away from cookies and ice cream and chocolate and candy.<br /> it is now february of my senior year. i am almost 150 lbs and completely miserable. i have a dance in 3 weeks from saturday and i am dreading it because of how overweight i am. every one of my friends has the perfect body, so i stick out like a sore thumb because i have fat all over. i don't think anyone has noticed too much of my weight gain, but people know i'm not super skinny anymore. i am completely and utterly miserable. i hate being this way but i just can't help it. i have even been having suicidal thoughts every once in a while because i hate my life so much right now. it is so great and i have everything i could ask for, i mean i have a lot of family problems but not enough to make me want to die. the fact that i'm overeating and i can't control it at all is absolutely killing me. it would be one thing if i had always been like this, but people are used to me being skinny, people always used to tell me that i had the perfect body and its embarrassing beyond belief that i've spiraled this far out of control. i want my life back, i want to not constantly be eating, i want to be happy, i want to be normal.<br /> someone please help or i think i may end up with some serious issues. </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/sarahs-binge-eating-journal-begins-2010#post-54950 Mon, 25 Jan 2010 02:30:08 +0000 Sez 54950@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>Hey Guys,<br /> I'm new here and I have just been reading some of your blogs and journals.<br /> I was really impressed with how some of you guys have now been months without binging and it has inspired me to start a journal of my own.</p> <p>My name is Sarah and I have been regularly binge eating for about 2 years now. It started after I lost a significant amount of weight on a crash diet when my parents went overseas. I was working full time and taking care of a messy younger brother and also keeping up a mammoth running/gym regime (about 30miles a week + walking everyday, weights and other gym exercises).Anyway I kept my weight loss up for about a year while I lived away from home and then as soon as I moved back I gained 15 pounds in 3 months <img src="http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/bb-plugins/bb-smilies/default/icon_sad.gif" title=":(" class="bb_smilies" /> I have always been on a diet or hard core exercise program but, as most of you guys know, when you binge diets don't really help you at all, they really just seem to make things worse no matter how good the intentions...</p> <p>So here I am its a Monday evening and I am starting fresh today. Not starting fresh on a strict diet, not on a grueling exercise regime but just hoping that I can develop a healthy attitude towards food and leave all this binging behind. (maybe lose a few pounds along the way :P) </p> <p>One day so far binge free...<br /> B- 3 weetbix with milk and sugar<br /> L- Peanut butter &amp; banana on toast + an orange<br /> S- 1 slice of bread w/ peanut butter + fruit bar<br /> D- Chicken enchilada w/ salad &amp; fries<br /> S- Small bowl of ice cream</p> <p>Wish me luck people... As I wish you all luck too!!</p> <p>Cheers<br /> Sarah </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/newbie-here-waves-hello-im-a-binger#post-40740 Thu, 20 Aug 2009 08:31:28 +0000 Bingemonsterbegone 40740@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>Hello,<br /> I am a binge eater. My binge eating episodes seems to be hormonal. I binge about twice a month, once when I ovulate and then again right before my cycle. I am so tired of this binge monster that rears its ugly head each month, I would love to put this monster to rest!<br /> Any tips for me? I am all ears...<br /> I'm a perfectionist in all aspects of my life. I know what healthy foods are and I eat them often, I also exercise everyday. But it seems my perfectionist also stems into my eating habits, when I am on track, I am completely 100% on track eating healthy foods, but when I binge, I am 100% bad on a binge also. I need to find a happy medium, so I can enjoy 2 or 3 chocolates a day, instead of eating 2 or 3 pounds of chocolate on a binge!!!! I wish I wouldn't label the good foods and bad foods. I just want to eat like a normal person, because what I can consume in a binge certainly isn't normal. Do you think I need to find a nutrishionist or a shrink, or will I be able to do this on my own. I went to my first OA meeting lastnight, but everyone there was a compulsive overeater, I was the only binge eater. </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/louises-journal-1#post-50192 Mon, 21 Dec 2009 13:23:54 +0000 Louise 50192@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>So, here we go, after being inspired by Lauren... Had a great day today, no binges, feeling strong and determined.... wrote on this site, did dinner and BAM ! BINGE !! I don't know what happened ?????<br /> Start a fresh straight away... spent ages reading lauren's journal, which has totally inspired me and reminded me of the life and freedom that one can have without this noose around my neck... I might not write everyday as leaving for the airport shortly to go home to England for Christmas, so my time won't be my own as usual..<br /> I think I have always eaten more than I should. I always eat the whole plate rather than stop when full. I guess I just LOVE to eat ! I now realise that I have binged many times before without being aware of it, as it was so infrequent that I thought of it as just pigging out. I moved out to The Middle east in April with my husband. Gave up a life that I loved, my job, my family and friends. I became so homesick and depressed, and so turned to food for comfort and to ease boredom. I became a bored housewife in the middle east... How did that happen ??!!<br /> Despite making friends with a great group of fellow expat girls, i have continued to binge, now more and more and more !! The weight gain in the last 2 montsh alone is worrying me like mad !! I started a new job coming up to 3 months ago. I thought I would be so busy and not think about food, the weight would fall off... the suit I wore for my interview i can't even get on !!!!! So that theory didn't work. I think the penny really dropped when there was birthday cake at work, a HUGE cake... when everyone gathered and had a piece, I declined trying to be good, but then later, when no one was looking found myself literally eating it from the fridge!!!! Stuffing it down....barely tasting it ! Depressing !! So, this is kinda where i am at right now... I have binged everyday for the past week...i feel gross. <img src="http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/bb-plugins/bb-smilies/default/icon_sad.gif" title=":-(" class="bb_smilies" /> <br /> I am doing the 3 week no binge with Polly <img src="http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/bb-plugins/bb-smilies/default/icon_smile.gif" title=":-)" class="bb_smilies" /> Going to try anyway.<br /> Right, finished work... all packed, waiting to go to the airport.. I think we all need extra luck and support with Chritsmas treats all around us !<br /> Soooooooo glad I have found this site ! Will try to write everyday and log my food and feelings ....</p> <p>I can't wait to see my mum <img src="http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/bb-plugins/bb-smilies/default/icon_smile.gif" title=":-)" class="bb_smilies" /> </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/audreys-journal#post-57891 Sun, 07 Feb 2010 23:22:19 +0000 audreyL 57891@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>Hey all, I'm audrey, university undergrad, 21 this year, and i've been binging for the past one year. I've put on 33lbs or 15kg. scary, right? For the past 5 months or so, my weight has kind of stabilized. I managed to lose more than 10lbs at one point, but have gained 6lbs back, because I'm still binging.</p> <p>I really hope to tackle binging and let weight loss take its own course. I used to be a model but of course, I'm not anymore. I modelled mainly for online shopping sites, bridal catalogues and fashion magazine spreads. My agency prides itself for not believing in telling models to lose weight, but they tell some of us to 'be careful', 'watch your diet', 'you may want to tone up a little', which we all know are just synonyms for losing weight. All of us have bmi of less than 17. When I gained 8lbs, i knew that my contract would be terminated mid-way soon, so I decided to beat them to the punch and resigned citing medical reasons. I don't know if I'll go back to modelling, but I'm very sure I want to overcome this stupid disorder and be confident of my body again. </p> <p>I'm trying to tackle this in a sustainable way - meaning that 'lifestyle change' everyone's always talking about - changing my eating habits and choosing healthy foods, whole grains, fruit and vegetables etc. I don't have any problems with fried foods - they just turn me off - but I have huge problems with milk, yogurt, chocolates, cereals and cookies. basically sweet stuff. There hasn't been any chocolate left in the fridge at home lately, so I haven't had chocolate for a month. In other words, I just eat whatever I fancy in the fridge/cabinets. I don't ever miss certain foods or feel deprived, but if a sugary alternative is available, I'll just eat it over a less appealing one. Therefore my first step in tackling this disorder is to snack on fruit and vegetables - no restrictions.</p> <p>You guys sound awesome btw. I've been reading a couple of posts here and there and I really love the support. I really hope I can emerge victorious!! <img src="http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/bb-plugins/bb-smilies/default/icon_biggrin.gif" title=":D" class="bb_smilies" /> </p> <p>My name's audrey, you are? <img src="http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/bb-plugins/bb-smilies/default/icon_smile.gif" title=":)" class="bb_smilies" /> </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/mikols-journal-road-to-recovery-i-hope#post-57004 Wed, 03 Feb 2010 20:39:11 +0000 Mikol2010 57004@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>I notice a lot of people have journals on here- so I have decided to start one as well. It seems like a great way to be able to express true thoughts and feelings without being embarrassed about them. I know that the people reading it know what I am going through...</p> <p>I have been dealing with binging for years! I will have little stints of time where I will maintain somewhat of a normal eating routine and schedule- but the one consistent thing is that it NEVER LASTS! It always ends with a binge...which leads to disappointment, depression and more binging. (A cycle which I am sure anyone reading this understands!) Being burdened by depression on top of all this certainly doesn't help! I feel I do have it under control though with anti-depressants. I have attempted going off them a couple of times- but always ended-up needing to go back on them. I guess I just find it hard to accept the fact that I am dependent on them.</p> <p>Today is the first day in the past week and a half where I have not had a binging episode. Last Saturday night I went to a mini high school reunion and drank a tad too much- so the next day I found myself craving something a bit greasy....which led me to McDonald's- a place a NEVER go (unless for this reason!) Well- it felt so good eating the greasy food- that I just let myself go and I have been binging ever since. Eating things that I never normally eat- but eating them just because I knew I could get away with it. My husband is working away right now- so I have no one watching me- except my 14 month old son. I guess he is the biggest reason I want to get my binging under control and DEALT with. I don't want him to grow up seeing his mother stuffing her face in hiding. I know he is only 14 months old but there are times when I feel embarrassed and humiliated knowing he can see me binge.</p> <p>When I am in what I call a 'normal, non-binging' state and frame of mind, I eat very balanced and healthy food! I KNOW the difference between good food and bad food. I never eat processed food UNLESS I am binging in which case I will eat anything- junk food especially. It is funny how when you get in that state of mind- all your values and everything you have learned about taking care of your body just goes out the window! And for what?! For a belly full of guilt! I don't think anyone actually ENJOYS the food they are eating when they are binging... at least I don't. For a while I was doing good I must say. I made a promise to myself after New Years that I was going to stay away from sweets. Because they seemed to be the trigger to my binges. Well- I did very well- until last Saturday <img src="http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/bb-plugins/bb-smilies/default/icon_sad.gif" title=":(" class="bb_smilies" /> </p> <p>I have tried so many ways to get help over the years. I have talked to close friends, family doctors, counselors, a psychologist, and the latest- a psychiatrist. And as educated and smart as these people are- none of their solutions worked for me. So- this is why I have made the decision to reach out to other people who are going through and who have gone though the same thing. I think the key is to connect with people who actually GET what you are talking about. It is not as simple as giving the textbook answers you learned in University. Although I must say, I DO believe the theory of one of the things the psychiatrist had to say- which was in regards to the fact that I see sweets as being one of my main binge triggers: She said in that case sweets are to me what alcohol is to an alcoholic. And in knowing that- it is probably impossible that I will ever be able to train myself to eat them in moderation, just as it is almost impossible for an alcoholic to train themselves to drink socially.</p> <p>Well- I am going to conclude for tonight. I hope I can make it through the night without eating anything else! I had a wonderful filling supper with my son and I will enjoy my morning so much better tomorrow if I wake up knowing that was the last thing I ate. Waking up the morning after a late night binge has to be the shittiest feeling in the world!!!!!!!!! I usually try not eating anything after 7pm or so and it is 9:30pm, so here goes everything I got! </p> <p>One last thing I would like to say though- is that I have been reading different posts on here and this site seems to be full of wonderful caring people! And I am so glad I have found it!</p> <p>Take care everyone and have a great night!</p> <p>Mikol </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/need-healthy-dessert-ideas-please#post-56847 Wed, 03 Feb 2010 05:39:43 +0000 tara 56847@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>Hi Girls<br /> I am completely addicted to sweets and that is what I binge on usuall along with bread and cheese.<br /> Since I love chocolate and I recently learned that I have high cholesterol, I want healthier less fatty options so please give me suggestions.<br /> I keep hearing about luna bars and oats.<br /> No Luna bars here in Egypt but we have limited varieties of nature's valley.<br /> Also we do have quaker oats but they seem really boring.<br /> I keep hearing you guys eating them with PB and toppings.<br /> Can you please tell me how to prepare that as have never really cooked oats.<br /> Any ideas for healthy chocolaty desserts would be great!<br /> thanks and have a great day.<br /> P.S. Just started my 5th day binge free (crossing my fingers) </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/thepurplerabbits-2010-journal#post-51488 Sun, 03 Jan 2010 01:59:38 +0000 thepurplerabbit 51488@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>After making a resolution to stop bingeing in 2010, I'm planning to write every day here so I can keep track of my progress (fingers crossed!) So far so good.. but it's only the 2nd so that's not saying much.<br /> B: coffee, omelette w peppers, greens<br /> L: mushroom soup, pear<br /> D: mushroom soup, greens, veggie burger<br /> S: cereal (Kix, Frosted mini wheats)</p> <p>My problem is I get so hungry at night... and then I can't fall asleep because I'm starving. (Come to think of it, I'm actually hungry now) It's hard to decide when to eat and when not to eat! I end up lying in bed for hours battling with myself when I should have just gotten a snack in the first place. So maybe I'll have a snack now... yup. Not going to deprive myself this time. <img src="http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/bb-plugins/bb-smilies/default/icon_smile.gif" title=":)" class="bb_smilies" /> </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/pinkpolkadots-journal-2#post-56900 Wed, 03 Feb 2010 12:39:49 +0000 pinkpolkadots 56900@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>Hey guys, Day 4 now!</p> <p>It's sunny out finally =) ALL the snow is melting here, and I'm excited because that means I can start running OUTSIDE again. The treadmill is too boring for me.</p> <p>Breakfast:</p> <p>protein shake with soy milk, whey protein, splenda, unsweetened cocoa powder, 1/2 banana!<br /> 350 cal</p> <p>drink:<br /> diet green tea</p> <p>Lunch:<br /> 80 cal light and fit yogurt: Apple Pie flavor (SO GOOD, definitely try it)<br /> pear/pepper jack cheese/cottage cheese/chicken SALAD</p> <p>I'll update later today... I just wanted to post and say hello!! Seize the day.</p> <p>I'm motivated to eat right so I can buy some new jeans this weekend (tons of sales @ the end of January).</p> <p>-C </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/cookiemonsters-journal#post-51984 Wed, 06 Jan 2010 10:48:59 +0000 cookiemonster 51984@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>So its been 3 days I havent binged and I just wanted to write down what I observed in those 3 days. I decided I was going to allow myself to eat whatever I want. </p> <p>So on the first day I was being lazy all day at my boyfriends house, eating and watching movies. I had a big sushi craving so thats what I had. Then my bf was eating ice cream and usually I would just partake without thinking. I had one portion though before realising I didnt truly want it and it didnt taste that good so I stopped and made a mental note of that. In the evening we ordered a club sandwich with fries and a salad to share. After eating a few fries I noticed they were cold so I stopped eating them since they were not even worth it. Mini victory ! Finally, we were in the mood for sweets again so I had 2 mini brownies out of the 4 pack one ( my bf didnt take none ) and a piece of chocolate out of a huge tablet. This is a big deal because usually I wouldve ate the chocolate till I finished the tablet and felt sick and I wouldve finished the brownies too. Those things stayed in the fridge and I knew they were there and did not go back for more !! I overdid it with sweets but I am proud I did not binge on them. </p> <p>On the second day I started with a healthy breakfast and a really light lunch because that is what I was in the mood for ( I love eating healthy so it wasnt an attempt at restricting) In the afternoon I realised I was feeling faint from probably not eating enough so I had a mini meal instead of a snack. It satisfied me but as I went to bring back my plate in the kitchen I felt the binge urge. At this point I was making chocolate milk and putting bread in the toaster when I realised I was very full from what I just ate and it wouldnt even taste that good. So....I drank the chocolate milk and threw away the 2 slices of bread! mini victory! I exercised and had a healthy dinner. About 45 min after dinner I kept thinking about Subway cookies ( hence the username lol i LOVE cookies). There is a Subway right down my house so I went and got 2 cookies. When I got upstairs I realised the guy made a mistake on one of the flavors. I still ate them thoughtfully and enjoyed them and felt satisfied. I didnt use the other flavor as an excuse to go back and get more in order to get that taste too. Other mini victory ! </p> <p>On the third day, I had a healthy breakfast, healthy snack, I was craving a burger for lunch so I had just one on whole wheat bread with no cheese or mayo. I fought the urge to eat chocolate after lunch and just kept myself busy till I exercised and had fruit and yogurt after as a snack. In the evening, we went out for thai food and I ate just half of my dish. I made a mental note to eat slower next time because I was a bit too full and I honestly think I couldve been satisfied with less. No sweets on that day which is a big victory since I have a HUGE sweet tooth. </p> <p>So my thoughts on the last 3 days is that I overate but overeating is better than bingeing. I am re learning how to eat. I allready wanted sweets less on the third day after allowing myself to have some on the days before. And I am happy to say I wanted to test myself with those desserts because they are my typical binge foods and I did not binge on them. I did feel a twinge of guilt but I quickly replaced those thoughts by reminding myself that I am working towards being an intuitive eater. </p> <p>So I will keep rambling on here and observing my eating patterns WITHOUT GUILT OR JUDGEMENT. I know the only way to solve my weight/body image issues is to tackle them from the inside not go on a diet. That is the path to a long lasting change. </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/hi-im-new-and-have-problems-which-is-why-im-here#post-56397 Mon, 01 Feb 2010 16:43:31 +0000 courtney_m 56397@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>hey my name is courtney,<br /> i just binged actually but ill take ou back to the begining in 9th grade i went through some drastic measures to loose weight about a year later it ended up being prettyscary i was very skinny, but it didnt last for long i started bingeing nightly and gaine 70 pounds, ive lost about 20 pounds so im around 150 (im short by the way) and 4 years later the binginghad not completely gone away. i exercise about 4 days a week or when i can get it into my schedule (im a full time student in college) and i have gone three months without binging before but the last six months i seem to have binged one or two times a month, but recently ive been out of control again 6 times in the past 3 weeks =[ i try to have a good balance eating about 1500 cals a day but i dont know what the probem is sometimes its lonleyness or what happened today boredom and always feeling like i have to eat something. it just sucks i have such a horrible stomache i just want to be healthy =[ this takes over my life it sucks. </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/mikes-journal-1#post-58120 Mon, 08 Feb 2010 22:43:59 +0000 mikegbsb 58120@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>i had a journal a few months back but I stopped writing so I will start anew. Like everyone else, I have a binge problem. Well, I guess it might be considered more bulimia. I go through binging (sometimes for days) and then exercising, fasting and restricting to compensate. I just got through 9 straight days binge-free and then blew it all last night and then today. I know that I use food as a comfort for loneliness and boredom. Yet I can't stop this problem. I can have a good spell where I don't binge and feel good about myself, then I'll just start eating and won't be able to stop. I can't keep this up because it's taking over my life and causing me great depression. I've put on almost 30 pounds in the past 2.5 years. Even though I'm not overweight, I don't feel comfortable with myself. I know I have to kick the binging before I start thinking of weight loss, but it's so hard to focus on that. Maybe by starting over and trying to write on here daily, it will help to subside my binges. </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/rage-wants-peace-journal#post-53302 Thu, 14 Jan 2010 13:28:12 +0000 Rage 53302@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>... so I'm starting it.<br /> Right now, after work, a normal day, I'd probably be oscillating between the remote and whatever is in the kitchen. When I don't binge, I overeat during my meals and then eat anything in between, like a binge spread across the whole day.<br /> And either I think I hate it all (everybody, everything in my life) or I think: "Why bother?".<br /> I know I have to start feeling rather than thinking. But my brain works so much better than my heart, for everything but food.<br /> All my rage I keep inside. Don't get me wrong: I have a big mouth and I say comfortably to people if and when they p*ss me off. But what I don't cope with is the quantity, and the repetitivity. Too much work, too many family worries, and always the same.<br /> I just have to expect less of myself. Recently I realised how caring and understanding I can be with the people I really love. Why can't I treat myself the same? I always have to do this, that and the other, and I can't, and I don't want to sometimes. But if I don't, then I get bored and anxious of not doing it, so I binge.<br /> Right now then the difference to a normal day is that I've discovered this forum. I wish I had known before there were so many of you I could talk to, who would eunderstand and care. Maybe talking about it is not only the "distraction" I'd been looking for but also the 1st step to recovery?<br /> I need to be accountable of what I eat and why. And feeling we're together in it is already a great help.<br /> I'm gonna give it a shot with a basic plan: 3 meals a day at regular intervals with snacks in between. The danger is to not limit the types of food... and the freedom is to start enjoying food, chewing slowly, bla di bla you know it all!<br /> So far so good (day 1 only!):<br /> 6.45: a bowl of muesly, milk, orange juice - hell so good not to weigh or measure!<br /> 9.30: 2 toasts, some jam, 1 apple<br /> 12.30: 1 medium veggie pizza, 1 yogurt - I had a meeting that was going on and on and I was scared I wouldn't have food early enough, but I managed to not gulp it all down<br /> 5: 1 seeded bread roll, 30g cheese - again got scared that it wouldn't come early enough and took the risk to go shopping on an empty stomach (empty fridge, what do you do?) but it was OK, enjoyed every bite like mad!<br /> I even bought dinner, meat with noodles. This is scary: my dinners have been just soup or some junk, so not sure about having a "normal person" dinner... Especially some food I really fancy!<br /> I thought I would give up smoking today but that's a lot to tackle at the same time, and what would be left to handle stress? Has any of you stopped smoking? How did you manage? And of course, the killer question: did you put on weight?<br /> I want to go back to the gym too. Right now I feel still poorly (bad bad flu!), I'll aim for it next week. Delaying it is another stress, but I'm trying to be gentle on myself for once.<br /> Please tell me if this sounds all very silly... </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/pollys-journal#post-52512 Sat, 09 Jan 2010 12:10:36 +0000 polly 52512@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>hey all, decided to write a new journal seeing that my 3 week challange didnt seem to work haha! anyway i dont think its the best idea setting a goal like that because after the 3 weeks , what will i do .. binge DUH! doing well, am on day 4 binge free. yesterday ate a lot but no binge so woohoo! i want to lose weight so bad and that's where i think i go wrong. recovering and losing weight can't be thought of together to trully recover and although i really see this i cant seem to stop thinking about losing weight . how do you all disconnect the two from each other? i mean yesterday i did well, ate about 2500 cals and that would have usually been a reason too binge..." eaten lots already, why not binge " i would have thought but i didnt yesterday which was great . also today had a huge chineese dim sum lunch which was gorg and so nice and normal . again this would have normally beeen a reason to binge afterwards but instead just got a starbucks and a couple of chocs for later. i think i can do this , i may need your advise and support and am so willling to help others if i can . we can all do this and 2010 will be our year! bisous </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/chantelles-journal#post-54170 Tue, 19 Jan 2010 15:08:34 +0000 Chantelle 54170@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>so I thought that it was time to start a new journal because I feel Im at a new stage of my recovery...I began my recovery about 8months ago when i recognised and wanted to deal with this, then after many journalling,seeing doctors and councelling I figured out exactly why I do what I do and I also managed to stop my binges for long spurts of time, and when i did binge they got alot smaller, i also dropped over half the wieght i gained due to bingeing...so progress has been made but now iv reached this stage where i have these relapses and today i had a really bad one like the binge was very big (like an oldschool one where i midlessly ate for hours until i felt ill) but the wierd thing was aware of why i was doing it and i knew how i could stop it but took no action against it, it was really bizare im hoping this new journal will help me understand more where i am with my recovery and how i can move forward and learn to except my "new self" its hard to getting used to being this new person when u think a part of you used to be this binge monster for like 3yrs? I need to stop thinking it will creep back up and giving it the chance to relapse..<br /> Im not going to whine and beat myself up over this i truelly want to move forward and really feel im at the "final stage" of my recovery which is probably the hardest part i sorta compare it to going from teenager to adult its a long process and some people go through some awful stuff before they come to except responsibilty and become an adult, well iv went through years of ups and downs of binging and gaining and losing wieght and obssesing and punishing but now i am finally ready to move on and leave that all behind, so hopefully this journal will help me do just that...<br /> Im going to begin with what I binged on today i would usually leave it out and begin "fresh" tommorow but i cant deny what happened and i except what i done today so il share what i binged on and my food plan for tommorow.</p> <p>Today: Breakfast- Fruit and Yoghurt with coffee,<br /> Snack: Rice cakes and an apple<br /> Lunch: Veg stur fry with black bean sauce,<br /> BINGE: 4 Kit Kat chunkys, 2slices of toast, 2bagels, 1large packet of mini eggs,3 mini sized cheesecakes, 2biscuits and loads of diet coke! wow that was a 3500cal binge thats exactly a pound in fat..the biggest binge iv had in a LONG TIME its disapointing but its good for me to write this down and come to terms with how i am treating my body...and i wonder why i get ill so much??<br /> ok so tommorow im going to have:<br /> Breakfast: Blueberries and yoghurt with coffee<br /> Snack: raisins and cashew nuts<br /> Lunch: Vegetable soup with rivita and ki-wi<br /> Snack:Apple<br /> Dinner:Veg stir fry with a soya yoghurt after<br /> Cup of tea in the evening before bed.<br /> Exercise: 4-5hours dance training tommorow.<br /> Wish me luck xxx </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/new-in-london-and-on-the-forum#post-56098 Sun, 31 Jan 2010 16:05:03 +0000 Laurely81 56098@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>Hello girls,</p> <p>Finally i decided to join this forum, I'm an Italian girl and I've been fighting with binge since I was a teenager...and I'll be 29 this year, I have been 45 kg and 70 kgs...now I'm 65 Kg and need to lose 10 kgs in 2 months as I have a cousin's wedding in April and I'm going back home.<br /> It will be hard I know, I have been living in London for about 4 months and my life is starting to settle down now...<br /> Hope to find some support here<br /> Thanks to all of you! </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/jacquis-journal-for-2010#post-51297 Fri, 01 Jan 2010 07:09:50 +0000 jacquirsw1 51297@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>This is going to be a good year!!!</p> <p>No matter what happens I know that I can get through it. I know that if I binge I can stop and that it doesn't spoil the good or change me into bad.</p> <p>I am in work in a bit till tomorrow but I feel settled and happy. </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/my-journalssami23#post-1811 Sat, 31 Jan 2009 15:16:21 +0000 sami23 1811@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>Hi<br /> my name is Zaina ,and the reason that the username is sami23 is that i like ti imagine myself like another different person and that person is healthy and slim and perfect and confident , unlike me , and i like the name Samantha so ... sami is the unreal version of me ....<br /> so today i tried no to eat , couple of days ago or more i've been really sick and my stomach hurt like hell , it actually hurts untill now but not like before , and what i found is during that i lost 5 pounds bekoz i couldn't eat and then i was afraid of eating but i'm trying now to get back to normal ... the thing is i lost those 5 pounds because i didn't eat at all , but that's not what is gonna happen later , eventually i'm gonna eat and i was sure those 5 will get back the moment i open mouth not to eat but to drink , water is enough to get those pounds back<br /> usually i have supper and before , i tried not to eat anything after 7 ,well ofcourse didn't work so i thought maybe i shouldn't stop having it, it just i'm not gna have a biig sandwich , i'll start by a smaller piece of bread and instead of cheese i'll have , i dnt if you know it , it's called "labaneh" it's a dairy product here in Jordan and in the middle east ..i hope this will help koz i can't just stop eating<br /> even if i did for 2 or 3 days , i know i would get back to my habbits if i felt sad or depressed or empty<br /> it's the emptiness inside of me that kills me , i dnt have a social life , i dnt go out with my friends .. it started long time ago , first , we live in a place that is far from all my friends' and before i start driving ,everybody refused to give me a ride to my friend's house koz they were always busy but then as i start getting older , i started to get fatter and althought i was thin but i was always fatter than my classmates so i didnt go ouy with them koz i was embaressed , that started when i was 13 years and now i'm 19 years old , and i still dnt go out and i'm even worse than before ... i wanan cry because if i had a different body i would be a different person , i wouldn't stay in my room for a second .. i thought that when i'm 18 years old and i can drive i will get out and hang out with my friend , but guess what happened , i had an accident and i'm always terrified to drive .. i can go to places near my house , i can go to my University and get back home but not somewhere else<br /> i know i'm supposed to be talking abt food problems but i felt like i should write these things down koz those things are the reasons or at least big part of them why i do that binge eating a lot , they say it's emotional eating ,1st i didnt believe it , i said people eat because they enjoy eating , it has nth to do with our emotions but now i've realised it's the sadness , the emptiness i feel all the time , it's not being happy with who i am koz i know i'm a different person , i hope all that can be fixed here , this blog has given me hope , i hope it's not false hope<br /> tomorrow at the end of the day ,i hope that it would be my first successful day of beating this bad habbit so wish me luck </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/amandas-back-journal#post-49987 Sat, 19 Dec 2009 19:47:00 +0000 amanda918 49987@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>Hello all! I'm back... not sure why I left, but sometimes I get so caught up with everything going on that I find it's easier to ignore my problems by not writing on here. Lately, I've been binging, not an awful amount, but not binge free like I would like. I'm becoming more accepting of my changed body, but still want and need to loose weight to fit into my jeans and look better in my clothes. I think that most of my recent binging is coming from the constant need to readjust from going to school and home. Lately, because of exams and long breaks in between, I've been back and forth a lot at school. My pattern is usually to binge right before I go back to school and then get back on track, but then I binge again right before I come home but then once I'm home I get back on track again. I'm not quite sure why this has been happening in that pattern lately but am interested to find out. I've been doing some investigating in the counseling area, but I'd rather not get involved with one because that would require me telling my parents and I don't want them to worry. They know about my general "food issues" but not the specifics of my disorders. I do group therapy up at school so I might just stick with that. Anyway, I'm going to try and journal at least once a day about whatever I want. I'm not trying to be binge free for a certain amount of days, or journal all my food, or count a specific amount of calories. Those things seem to always set me up for failure and feelings of guilt. RIght now, the most important thing for me is to work on me. I need to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life and this disorder can't be a part of it. Well, feels good to get all that out! Anyway, how is everyone else doing? Glad to see some of my girliesss are still here going strong!! </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/jillys-journal#post-53507 Sat, 16 Jan 2010 01:15:42 +0000 asparagussss 53507@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>hi everyone, i'm new here. I'm 18 and have been binge eating for 1.5 years now, and it has been the worst 1.5 years of my life. Before then, I was a restrictive calorie-counting obsessed anorexic for about a year, and have gone through a short desperate period of purging my food as well.</p> <p>Over this winter break from my first year in college, I have taken a huge step in my food struggles by allowing myself to eat enough food to nourish and fuel my body, and not to lose weight, though i hope that i will in the long run. For the past 1.5 years I have been repeatedly starving my body, and then giving in and bingeing like crazy. It has caused me to gain tons of weight, and i am now 20 pounds overweight. I've felt like a complete animal these past few years, I feel like I've lost my mind. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my eating habits, and so I have hidden it from everyone and I feel so alone. It has eroded my self esteem and confidence in myself. I feel like I've lost the body I worked so hard to get when I was anorexic, and this is not easy to accept. I look in the mirror everyday, disappointed and disgusted at the extra weight on me, and i want more than anything to get rid of it. But right now my goal is to stop binge eating.</p> <p>Whats been working for me for the past 2 weeks is eating 5 small meals a day. I try to eat mostly healthy fruits and veggies, but if i am craving something, I eat it. I've been dancing/learning dances for exercise, and going to the gym occasionally. What bothers me most about my body right now is my double chin and of course my hips, butt, thighs, abdomen-the problem areas. I just want my old body back...this doesnt belong to me and i hate that i did this to myself.</p> <p>Yesterday I went to my cousins house for a sleepover. Even though she too really wants to lose weight(we've been going to the gym together), she has really unhealthy eating habits and doesn't really like eating healthy. So I tried to be okay with it. We made homemade ice cream which was really good, and homemade pizza. We had sour cream and onion potato chips for a snack. I ate a reasonable amount. In the morning I had honey nut cheerios (cereal is a huge trigger for me). So I was able to eat all those foods without really worrying too much about it, and that's a big step. See usually I would overthink about it and forget to just chill and have fun.</p> <p>For so long, my life has been about losing weight, and i just waste my life away in the mean time. But I want to start having a life. The problem is that I have absolutely no self confidence whatsoever right now. I'm a very shy individual and rarely have much to say. I find it hard to connect with people anymore. I'm scared to death of social situations and i'm afraid of getting too close to people. I can't see why anyone would ever like me. I tend to shut people out. And I hate that I do that, but I just can't help it. Every guy that's ever liked me, I've turned down.....I feel bad, but I just never really like any of them, and the idea of dating sort of freaks me out. I've never had a real relationship, never made out with anyone, etc. I have like no friends because of my shyness and avoidant tendencies. When i'm with the right people though, I can have a good time.</p> <p>Well recently I tried to step out of my comfort zone but it didn't go too well. You see, I had a revelation that Life is what you make it, and you have to be willing to take risks to get anywhere fulfilling. And so there's this guy that went to my high school and he really wants to transfer to the college that I go to, if it wasn't for the money he would have. He's a music major and i think he is really cute. He mentioned that we should hang out over break, and so i talked to him online yesterday about hanging out. He said that I should come to this party he was going to tonight, and so i agreed to come. Problem is, I started feeling really nervous this morning about it. I had this knotted stomach feeling the whole day long. I was just way too nervous about it. Questions flow through my mind: Does he like me like i like him or is he just being friendly? I'm too fat for him? He's a really big partier and I'm not? How will I get to the party and back if I'm drinking? I don't drink very often? What will he think of me when he finds out how lame i am? I don't know what to talk about? etc..</p> <p>It was probly just my negative voice taking over. All and all it was too much of a hassle for me to go. I don't like arriving at places alone, and I wouldn't know anyone there. I was feeling so so so nervous, and didnt get much good sleep at the sleepover, so I decided to take a nap around 8:00 to calm my nerves, and slept til 11:30. Then I figured it was too late, everyone would be drunk already, and my mom didn't want me to go. But now I feel really bad inside for not going and I'm trying to think of what to tell him <img src="http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/bb-plugins/bb-smilies/default/icon_sad.gif" title=":(" class="bb_smilies" /> </p> <p>So for the past few days, I've kind of eaten a lot of junk and eaten more than usual. My nerves tonight forced me to eat more than I would have. I ate a bowl of honey bunches of oats and a peanut butter jelly sandwich for a snack tonight because I didn't really have dinner. I feel like I've eaten so much sugary carbs lately and I can't wait to eat healthier tomorrow and go to the gym in the morning to work off this stress that I'm feeling from the nerves. I hope I don't chicken out next time......I need to meet knew people and make friends because I'm tired of being alone, but I really don't know how... <img src="http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/bb-plugins/bb-smilies/default/icon_sad.gif" title=":(" class="bb_smilies" /> </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/jens-journal-part-2#post-56319 Mon, 01 Feb 2010 10:58:56 +0000 jent 56319@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>Hi everyone...</p> <p>I needed to start FRESH....so here i am continuing on my journey. I am not going to post in the old journal anymore so you can find me here.</p> <p>I hope everyone is having a good day! xox Jen </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/michelles-journal#post-41645 Thu, 17 Sep 2009 23:36:40 +0000 generationshelll 41645@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>I would label myself as a "closet" binger. Its become my dirty little secret persay.<br /> i am honestly embarrassed to admit to my family or friends that I am plagued by this horrible relationship with food.<br /> I was at my breaking point a couple months ago, trying to find something to reassure me that I wasn't alone in this and that there is support out there.<br /> And then I came across this site.<br /> It was like a sigh of relief to know that there ARE people out there that are indeed struggling as I am and that can understand/relate on a personal level.<br /> I can seek advice from a person who has no preconcieved judgemental notions about binging.<br /> Sure someone can say" Just watch what you eat and eat only when your full." but as they say sometimes you have to actually experience what a person has gone through to understand where they are coming from. Its not as easy as just watching what your eating because if it were we all wouldnt be suffering as we do.</p> <p>Ever since about 6th grade I've had a bad relationship with food. I was growing up around a sister who was suffering from anorexia and someone who constantly excersised. or limited calories miticulously. I guess in a way i became a product of my environment. I started to latch on and adapt some of her tendancies. I began starving myself. and worked out almost everyday for about 3 years. However there came a point where things changed. I was less motivated to excerise. Then my sister turned bulemic. She also constantly fought with my parents, I didnt like school, or have many friends at the time. And i began slowly medicating my self with food. It wasnt bad at first. But there became a point where I gradually increased what I ate, and sneaking food at nightime or when no one was around to see. And then it got out of control and turned into binging. And here I am 2 years later...<br /> Its taken me about a year to relize binging doesnt make me a bad person.. but still it puts a damper on my spirits...feeling bloated and dissapointed</p> <p>Also since school began about a month ago my stress and anxiety have jsut been feeding into my problem making it worse.<br /> Because of my closet binge tendancies I know if i were around people at the time or not alone i wouldnt dare consume as much as I do. Sometimes i jsut wish i could go stay with a friend and experience again what normal eating feels like.<br /> Not only that but my main urges to binge start around 6pm.<br /> And its so hard to resist sweets :/<br /> I'm goign to try to start writing down what I eat and I'll post it here.<br /> In a way writing about it is theraputic.<br /> Getting over binging is going to be tough .its a disease with no antidote.<br /> It will take time and all the willpower in the world and then some.<br /> Everyone out there who took the time to read this.<br /> If you need support Feel free to comment.<br /> Stay motivated and know that you Can beat this. </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/ls-journal#post-38126 Wed, 03 Jun 2009 13:54:28 +0000 Hope777 38126@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>Hello all! I thought I would use this to write out my progress. I have been doing really well this week. I have stayed mostly in my calorie range eating about every three hours and allowing myself to indulge a little. I have noticed by allowing myself to have about 200 calories worth of chocolate a day my craving for it totally went away. I didnt even want any last night! I am also stopping myself and asking myself if i want food as medication or if i am truly hungry. While i consider this a huge leap in progress I have had some disturbing thoughts. Since I dont weigh myself or measure my fat loss lately I have been questioning if i am gaining or loosing weight. Sometimes i feel skinny, others days I feel chubby. I know this is probably just the eating disorder in me coming out but sometimes i get scared that i am just gaining weight by allowing myself to have 1900 calories a day. Is this too many calories, i do exercise just about everyday. However, the other day I was in my swim suit and i felt a little bloated, the next day aunt flow came to visit (lol). I was talking to my boyfriend about it and i said "no wonder i felt bloated yesterday". His response was "yeah i noticed you looked bloated :((. This made me really sad and made me feel fat, for my own boyfriend to notice that:((. It made me question if i bloated or just gaining weight? The good part is that i didnt turn to food after he said this, i just went home and cried (at least i actually allowed myself to feel sad. I just wish i could get rid of this negative thinking that i am fat and just love my body. I just miss the days when everyone was like WOW you are SO skinny. Is this bad to think? Am i over reacting? Sorry for the Debbie downer post today, i am feeling a little depressed.<br /> &lt;3L </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/underwight-and-binge-eating#post-58062 Mon, 08 Feb 2010 17:42:26 +0000 little_me 58062@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>Hi! I don't know how to start. It all started in august last year. I just wanted too loose 5kg, (my weight was then 56 and i am 170cm) by restricting my calorie intake to 1000 calories a day. After about 10 days i lost about 6kg, and maintaind that weight for about two monthes, but still restricting my calorie intake, so I was allways hungry. Then from november to december i went down to 43kg, and at that point my friends started to get worried and asked me if I had an eaing disorder, and told me to gain som eweight. i told theme everything was fine, but truely things were not fine, I knew i had a problem with food, and i had lost my periode for severel months. At one point I thaugt that I just could't go on like this anymore. So at chrismas i started eating more, but still not enough, but somtimes i would over eat (1000 calories in an hour) and then i would work out and starve. Then the binging got wore, i still restricted my calorie intake to about 1000 a day, but sometimes i would binege and eat like 2000-3000 calories a day, and the same routine go too the gym and starve my self. I still gaind some weight about 2kg (at that point 46kg). Then i got really depressed because I jus could't contol myself anmore, like I told me not eat it but 5 min later iwould eat it (mostly cake and cany). I still managed to maintain my weight. But know I jut feel helpless, know the last two weeks I have binged 4 times (like from 3000-5000 in one day, but in short space of time). I just don't know what too do anymore, like I know i have to gain som weight. It's just that I cant't get out of this cycle and i makes me really depressed and I just want too die. I feel so out of control.<br /> Btw: I'we been to my docter and a therapist one time, but I havn't told theme about the binging, beacause it happend quite recently). What should I do? someone please help me.</p> <p>(i'm norwegian so sorry for my bad spelling)</p> <p>- Girl 18 </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/hi-everyone#post-57354 Fri, 05 Feb 2010 08:16:48 +0000 PaulW 57354@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>Hi, my name is Paul and I'm a 45 yo single parent.</p> <p>Firstly I feel a little out of place here, because most of the posters seem to be female, it must be because us men find it hard to admit we have a problem! Or something like that lol.</p> <p>So here's my story, I have been binge eating for a few years now, not really sure how long exactly, or how it all started, but I know it wont go away and it seems to have some sort of control over me.</p> <p>I only binge at night, and never during the daytime, something seems to trigger it off and I go into a feeding frenzy, it usually lasts about 2 – 3 hours, and the amount of food I consume in that time is unreal. This happens about 2 – 4 times per week, I suppose it depends on my stress levels that week.</p> <p>I seem to crave savoury stuff, like crisps, cheese and pastries, I don't often crave sugary stuff like a lot of people do, but I do go mad on it every now and again. I had an "attack" last night in fact! I ate 10 packs of crisps, a 1-lb block of cheese, 6 sausage rolls and a pack of scotch eggs. There was probably a lot more stuff, but I seem to go into a trance and just keep eating really fast until I snap out of it.</p> <p>I am not really over weight, and I am very fit for my age, I exercise most days and play lots of sports. I eat really healthy most of the time, and I keep a track of my nutrition, well except the bingeing part. I like to pretend that didn't happen lol.</p> <p>I have never discussed this problem with anyone before, even when I was married I kept it a secret, I would go shopping and replace the foods I ate before she found out.</p> <p>Like many of you on this forum, this is making my life a misery and I haven't got a clue how to stop it.</p> <p>Paul. </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/runners-journal#post-53408 Fri, 15 Jan 2010 10:08:34 +0000 HeartRunner 53408@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>I am pretty excited about starting this journal. It is hard feeling alone in this, and it helps me to know that I care enough about myself to take time to do this! Also, reading through some others blogs is very encouraging. Thanks </p> <p>Well I have been binge eating for about 5 years now. I am 23, and at 18 went to the states on a running scholarship. I had a successful first year where I represented my country (canada), but I also started obsessing about calories and did lose a lot of weight. Then I swung to the other extreme and started binging when I couldn't maintain my strict guidelines. </p> <p>I then began a journey of healing, from ignoring my feeling for so long from youth ect. Unfortunately, I then joined a cultish Christian group that was very "strict" and fundamental, and stayed there 4 years (being hard on myself already, this seemed natural and like what I needed). I was brain washed and convinced that God was always mad at me. They discouraged seeing a counselor, and discouraged outside influence/ideas/books. They had meetings just about every night, and not going might indicate that I was not willing to "die to myself". The pastors wife would meet with me to help with my eating, but we would never go over heart issues. She would just tell me to eat three meals a day, and that if I wanted to change that or do something different it was disobedience. I was caught in a cycle of shame and defeat, because I couldn't "just do it". Everything there was black/white, and everything related back to disobedience and lack of submission. When I talked to the pastor about problems I was having with my dad, he just told me that I needed to repent of being a "bad" daughter basically, and "healing/forgiveness" was taboo. </p> <p>When I went home this past summer, my relationship with my parents was so painful. And I began to realize that what the church had told me did nothing for the pain in my heart. At this point I was pretty sick spiritually, and there was no life in me. It is truly like being abused being there. I talked to a female minister (and did not tell the church about it) and she helped me to realize it was unhealthy there. SO on a whim I cut off all communication with them, decided not to go back and this past semester I started going to a college in Canada and moved into a bachelor appt. 2km from where my sister lives. </p> <p>I feel as if I was given a second chance at life! It has been hard/frustrating sometimes dealing with old thinking patterns, but I have come such a long way in such a short time. I started running again for my college, and while not as good as I once was, I was proud of myself. I started investigating Orthodoxy, which is helping me a lot as there views of God are much more merciful and forgiving- but no extra meetings! But for the most part I have been pretty low key to allow myself time to recover. I have realized that binging is a cry of my heart for help, and that something needs to be addressed. I am finding that the more I get in touch with the reasons I want to eat and my feelings, and the less I see it as "disobedience" I am able to do so much better!!! </p> <p>Even as I write this I am so hopeful, because this tells my heart: "you're important enough to take time to journal, to seek support- its not that you need to submit/repent more, but there is a need in your heart that needs to be met". </p> <p>Blessings to you! </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/new-to-site#post-56782 Tue, 02 Feb 2010 23:08:36 +0000 Mikol2010 56782@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>Hello everyone... this is the first time I have ever signed up on a site like this. Thought about doing it for a long time though. Really hoping this will help me. I have tried a lot of other routes.. therapy, talking to friends (who don't really understand because they haven't experienced binging before), and nothing seems to work. Certain things seem to work for a little bit- but it always seems to wear away and back to the binging I go. </p> <p>I have lots more to say, but it is getting late and I gotta hit the hay. Have a 14 month old who is going to be waking early tomorrow morning. I am very excited that I have found this site and took the time to sign up. I look forward to posting my thoughts on here and hearing what people have to say and look forward to the comfort of knowing I am not along with my struggles.. </p> <p>Good night everyone. </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/ashroses-journal#post-54458 Thu, 21 Jan 2010 12:23:25 +0000 ashrose 54458@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>Hi Everyone,</p> <p>I recently found this website and so greatful, it seems like there is a lot of support out there and I don't feel like such a freak. I am starting this thread as a support to stop binging, and I am here to support anyone who is striving for the same!</p> <p>I want to be healthy and feel good, and be kind to my body!</p> <p>I am recovering from being a restrictive eater and having an all-around bad relationship with food. Calories were the devil and the fewer I ate the better. This along with occasional bulimia was of corse to compensate for my night time binging habits.<br /> I didn't realize just how poorly I was treating my body until I started training for a marathon and the binging got out of control. I was starving myself but didn't realize it and for once the binges were because my body needed the calories.<br /> I eventually started to eat "normally" because I was working out so much and figured I would burn off the calories so I didn't think about it. For a few glorious months I had a normal relationship with food again.<br /> After the marathon, however, I went right back into my restrictive eating, although I was still working out regularly. I started obsessing about food, thinking about it all the time.<br /> I started sseeing a nutritionist who outlined how much food I "shoudl" be eating, this helped for about a week but then the obsession went into overdrive - I felt that if I ate one thing more than was on my plan I would autoamtically gain a pound.<br /> This plan also contributed to my now binging issue - I started eating when I wasn't hungry because it was "on the plan".<br /> Now I am no longer seeinga nutritionist, trying to re-program my thoughts and just listen to my body's cues.<br /> Beacause I was a restrictor for so long I have a hard time understanding when I am hungry and when to stop eating.<br /> ANy advice would be gratly appreciated.<br /> Today I am on day two of not binging and going for three.<br /> If you have some advice to keep this streak going I would love to hear it!<br /> Also more than happy to support anyone else, we can do this together! </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/new-journal#post-54596 Fri, 22 Jan 2010 07:58:31 +0000 Colleen 54596@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>Ok, so I thought it would help to write things down privately...but I binged last night. So I'm going to start posting and maybe that will help-let's hope! Here it goes...</p> <p>Monday January 18:<br /> 8:30 am: Oatmeal mixed with yogurt and skim milk, blueberries, coffee<br /> 10:30 am: Orange<br /> 1 pm: Peanut butter and banana sandwich, apple<br /> 4:30 pm: Greek yogurt with honey<br /> 6:30 pm: Salad with turkey, 1 piece bread, 1 piece dark chocolate<br /> 10 pm: bowl of special K</p> <p>Tuesday January 19:<br /> 8:30 am: Oatmeal mixed with yogurt, blueberries, skim milk, 1 orange, coffee<br /> 12:30 pm: Peanut butter and banana sandwich, apple<br /> 3 pm: Dry cereal before practice<br /> 6:30 pm: Grilled chicken on wheat bread, side salad<br /> 8:30 pm: Small frozen yogurt</p> <p>Wednesday January 20th:<br /> 8 am: Oatmeal mixed with yogurt, skim milk and blueberries, 1 orange, coffee<br /> 1pm: Egg whites with spinach and salsa, 1 slice bread, apple<br /> 3pm: Dry cereal before practice<br /> 6:30pm: Chicken with apples and walnuts, brown rice, spinach salad, 1 slice bread<br /> 9pm: 1 Piece biscotti</p> <p>Thursday January 21st:<br /> 8:30 am: Oatmeal with yogurt, skim milk and blueberries, orange, coffee<br /> 12 pm: peanut butter and banana sandwich, apple, pretzels<br /> 5pm: Fiber one bar<br /> 6:30pm: Vegetable soup, salad with steak, small frozen yogurt<br /> **glass of wine, biscotti (2 Pieces), cereal (I don’t know how much), pieces of chocolate, peanut butter and jelly on English muffin =( Very depressed </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/pity#post-57746 Sun, 07 Feb 2010 11:20:28 +0000 kalina 57746@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>I'm done with feeling sad for myself. I'm done with guilt. I'm done with not telling anyone about this because I don't want them to feel sorry for me. I'm done.</p> <p>No pity.</p> <p>I'm not sorry.</p> <p>This private suffering may have a part to play in my life yet, and one for good. But only if I can defeat it. And I won't suffer in my struggle anymore. It is a struggle for victory, and a struggle for failure, but not something to be ashamed of anymore.</p> <p>Not anymore. </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/els-2010-journal#post-51447 Sat, 02 Jan 2010 17:50:16 +0000 El 51447@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>Hello,<br /> I have recently joined this forum and I have been really inspired by all the journals and posts on this site.<br /> I have been a binge eater for the past 3 years and I think it really started after years of anorexic behaviour and restrictions on foods.<br /> I have found the past few weeks especially difficult, and really feel that I have to do something about this now.<br /> I seem to go for a couple of days and feel so proud of myself as I eat the 'right' kinds of food - mainly that I dont eat food I think of as bad, but then I just go crazy and eat everything I can get my hands on.<br /> I feel like I dont know how to eat normally anymore - I dont have any idea about portion size or food that is ok to eat, and I don;t trust myself with food.<br /> I do quite a lot of exercise and so get quite hungry and I just feel like I eat all the time - it consumes my thoughts.<br /> I feel so low with how I look at the moment - I cant bear to look in the mirror anymore, or at photos of myself - and I don;t know how to get my self esteem back.<br /> I want to lose a bit of weight - but I know from what I have read here that dieting is not going to stop me from binging....I don't really know what to do.<br /> Thanks and I do think that this site will really help - it is so amazing to actually fins somewhere where so many others are going through similar things. <img src="http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/bb-plugins/bb-smilies/default/icon_smile.gif" title=":-)" class="bb_smilies" /> </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/helpmeplease#post-43185 Thu, 22 Oct 2009 17:52:58 +0000 iMirm 43185@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>Hi guys. My name's Mirm. Just found this thing. </p> <p>I'm 21, a med student in my last year, and a binger. I started bingeing about 3 years ago when I started med school. I was under alot of stress and was away from my parents for the first time and just couldn't cope. I'd always been dissatisfied with my body but at that time I gained maybe 25-30 pounds and just tipped over the edge. </p> <p>Just wanted to say hello and ask for help. I want this to end. Forever. </p> <p>Today I'm binging. I'm an absolute fiend for sugar and starches. It's been an all day affair. Quite upsetting but what can you do. It's nothing that hasn't happened before.</p> <p>Can't wait to meet you all <img src="http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/bb-plugins/bb-smilies/default/icon_smile.gif" title=":)" class="bb_smilies" /> </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/free-tickets-to-nlp-training-event-breakthrough-to-success-by-chris-howard#post-58046 Mon, 08 Feb 2010 16:08:54 +0000 ladolcevita 58046@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>Hi guys,</p> <p>Just thought I would let you know about a free seminar that is held by Chris Howard, a master trainer of Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP). </p> <p>I copied this from his website:</p> <p>"Breakthrough to Success is two and a half high energy, jam-packed, fun filled days of insights and discoveries that will impact and transform your life on every level.</p> <p>During these two and a half days you'll be given exercises and processes to solidify those changes and make them last.</p> <p>Breakthrough to Success is NOT an inspirational or motivational program. While it may do both of those... it may inspire you and motivate you, it's not meant for that.</p> <p>It's about radical transformation... helping you to transform your emotional, physical, financial and spiritual life.</p> <p>You will be pushed beyond your normal comfort zones. You'll be fully engaged the whole time and forced to dig deep.</p> <p>I make no apologies for that.</p> <p>I'm going to stretch you and hold you to a higher standard of excellence. Maybe even the highest standard you've ever been held accountable to...."</p> <p>My friend thought i would be interested in attending the london event, but i simply cant afford to travel to london. <img src="http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/bb-plugins/bb-smilies/default/icon_sad.gif" title=":(" class="bb_smilies" /> She has attanded twice, and says its amazing.</p> <p>The events are being held in the following cities:</p> <p>Melbourne - 19-21 February, 2010<br /> Auckland - 5-7 March, 2010<br /> Sydney - 12-14 March, 2010<br /> Brisbane - 26-28 March, 2010<br /> Perth - 9-11 April, 2010</p> <p>London - 12-14 February, 2010<br /> Dublin - 19-21 March 2010</p> <p>To enrol for your free tickets click the link below:<br /> <a href="http://www.breakthroughtosuccess.com.au/?af=CLA1025296" rel="nofollow">http://www.breakthroughtosuccess.com.au/?af=CLA1025296</a> </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/gylnaras-journal-binge-free-life#post-43322 Sat, 24 Oct 2009 03:56:08 +0000 Miss23 43322@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>Hi all,</p> <p>I found this site and I have read some journal`s and postings and thanks to that I got out of my last 3 day binge cycle.<br /> I am born in 1987 in Estonia (it is a country in Europe, overseas form Finland, Sweden and next to Russia). My first 3 years of school were great, I got a best friend and we did everything together (we have been friends ever since). But then we had to move about 20 km away and I had to go to a new school. I stayed in contact with my best friend but at the new school I was very shy, because I didn<code>t know anybody. So soon other children started teasing me and I never managed to say anything back, so I usually just sat there red faced and took all that was coming to me :( So from there started my low self-esteem. I was never fat or ugly, my only flaw was that I was shy and children can be so cruel when they sense that you are weak and afraid of them. So anyway I suffered for 4 years and finally told my mum about it and I was put to another school, I was 14 then. Then something changed in me- I became very outgoing and all the shines was gone, but my low self-esteem stayed. From 14 to 17 everything was great- I was all the time partying, had tons of friends etc. My best friend has always been very thin and secretly I wished that I was that thin also. But I was not fat; I was 167 cm tall and weighed around 56 kg. When I was 17 I went to Spain for 1, 5 month and lost about 8 kg. But when I came back I gained the weight back, but wanted to get rid of it again. So I started to eat a little bit less and exercise twice a week. I soon started to lose weight but was never satisfied. Finally I weighed 43 kg, but saw myself still not skinny enough - I became anorexic. I was anorexic for a year. Then suddenly I started to eat and from there I became anorexic bulimic. By then I was 18. I went to live in Finland with my friend to escape from bulimia but it came after me. So I came back and started to take antidepressants. By then I had developed BED but still threw up sometimes. I had never weighed so much-64 kg. In summer (I was 19); things started to go better, I was sociable, lost some weight and had a boyfriend. We started living together. I went back to school to try to finish it, but it didn</code>t go so well. My boyfriend worked all the time and I was home alone (supposed to be at school) and ate everything, threw up and started to eat again. It went on like this for a year- It was my lowest point. I lied to my family and my partner that I did go to school. Once I cut myself to feel something besides the depression- I really hated myself. Next year I went back to school. Something changed in me- I didn<code>t throw up anymore and binged less. I even bought an exercise device at home. I finished school with good grades and had lost more than 8kg. I even stopped taking antidepressants. I was reading self help books and feeling more positive about life. In last autumn I went to university to study health promotion (isn</code>t it funny that we all study something related to health). I was working and studying, but still overate at least once a week. Things got bad last winter when I didn’t work that much and had more free time to binge <img src="http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/bb-plugins/bb-smilies/default/icon_sad.gif" title=":(" class="bb_smilies" /> I gained all the weight back and was depressed. So this summer I went to Spain for 2 months and lost the weight again, but still overate at least once a week (occasionally threw up). Now I’m back and in 3 months I have gained the weight back AGAIN!!! I broke up with my boyfriend and now I guess I’m trying to fill the void with food. I was on a 6 day binge cycle last week <img src="http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/bb-plugins/bb-smilies/default/icon_sad.gif" title=":(" class="bb_smilies" /> Every day I said to myself:’ tomorrow I will be good<code></code>, but the next day I said the same thing. None of my clothes fit me anymore and I am afraid to weigh myself.<br /> I can totally relate to all of you here. When I binge I don`t answer my phone, procrastinate meeting friends, doing homework and going to the gym- I’m like high on drugs (food). It has been now 5 years of battle with different eating disorders and I am tired of it all. But reading to all these posts here has given me strength to keep on going and not to give up! Because I know that I want to live and be free from this addiction!<br /> Estonia is a north east country and appearance is very important. A lot of girls are suffering from some kind of eating disorder, but nobody is really talking about it. They write about them in the newspapers, but we don<code>t have a place where we can openly talk about our problems. We don</code>t have forums like this. And when somebody is talking about eating disorder, it’s always about somebody`s friend or someone they know, never themselves. That is why I have decided to create a web page of ED and a forum like this one <img src="http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/bb-plugins/bb-smilies/default/icon_smile.gif" title=":-)" class="bb_smilies" /> <br /> I am sorry that I wrote so much but it`s difficult to sum up 5 years shortly. And also you have to excuse my spelling, because English is not my mother language.<br /> I will start keeping a journal here and try to beat this BED. I know that once you have had an ED, you will have setbacks, but the main thing is not perfection but progress. I also see a therapist and work on my low self esteem. So let<code>s see how it</code>s going to go shall we <img src="http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/bb-plugins/bb-smilies/default/icon_smile.gif" title=":-)" class="bb_smilies" /> </p> <p>Gylnara <img src="http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/bb-plugins/bb-smilies/default/icon_wink.gif" title=":wink:" class="bb_smilies" /> </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/lottie-getting-back-on-track#post-51592 Mon, 04 Jan 2010 01:48:08 +0000 Lottie 51592@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>So I'm back<br /> And this time I'm gonna kick that binge monster's ass for good!!! =D<br /> I've been bingeing every day for the last week or two<br /> but it doesn't affect my mood as much as it used to<br /> so i guess that's kind of a good thing...<br /> but my weight has gone up again and that is what worries me most<br /> I want to try weight watchers again<br /> just at home, on my own, and taking it slowly<br /> I know they recommend not to go on a diet anymore<br /> but I don't really consider it a diet, I just need some way of knowing, ok Charlotte, now you've had enough<br /> I'm allowed to eat 19 points a day, but I added two points, and if I still feel like I'm restricting too much I'll add some more<br /> I know that when I used to weight watch, the intuitive eating was going better, because I really wanted to enjoy the amount of food that I was allowed to eat<br /> I'm not sure if this is gonna work, but I really want to give it a try!<br /> I want 2010 to be the best year ever<br /> and there's only one person who can make that happen, and that's me<br /> I wish you all the best of luck this year<br /> and I know that we can beat this monster together!<br /> big hugs<br /> Charlotte </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/cookies-and-ice-cream-and-doughnuts-oh-my#post-57495 Fri, 05 Feb 2010 21:48:28 +0000 sechok 57495@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>So today I decided that I HAVE to get out of this weird mood that I am in and I HAVE to stop gorging myself. I'm going to start a journal to try to move forward in my process. For over a month, I have not cared about what I have been eating and I have let myself get to a point where I feel so hopeless that I don't want to do anything. </p> <p>Day 1. Goal: Think before I eat; stop shoveling food in mindlessly. </p> <p>I knew a big snowstorm was about to hit today so I went to the grocery store yesterday to buy "bingeable" foods.. doughnuts, chocolate chip cookies, and ice cream. I knew I would go crazy today if I didn't have anything in the house to give me that sugar high that I both hate and love. Yes, I want to make a change, but for some reason I am still holding on. I had bought the food not exactly intending on hiding in my room eating it all at once, but more just to have to eat while stuck at home in the storm. </p> <p>I woke up and remembered I had bought doughnuts this morning. Since I didn't want to eat them all myself, I put them out for my family to have with breakfast. Only my little brother had one and I ate one. Five minutes later, I was hungry so I had a bowl of Raisin Bran (I love Raisin Bran though I don't view it as a healthy choice. When I'm not binging, I like to eat mostly raw, natural foods and stay away from anything with artificial ingredients. Of course when I am binging, those rules don't apply.)</p> <p>I really wanted to stay home and do nothing but I knew the snowstorm was coming so I forced myself to get out. I planned on going to the gym.. I was literally right by it but at the last minute I chickened out and didn't go!! I just have this mindset that I am going to fail at the gym, meaning that if I hit the treadmill and I struggle with running a mile then it's obvious I have really backtracked since a few weeks ago I was making good progress with my running. I haven't been to the gym in over 2 weeks and I know that the hardest thing is just taking that first step and actually getting there. Also, I hate when I have a great workout then go home and binge. </p> <p>Instead of going to the gym, I went to a bookstore. I love going there and just reading silly magazines or health and nutrition books except I was so anxious today. I was supposed to meet a friend for lunch but my little sister asked me to pick her up from school. Well, I could have easily told my little sister to ride the bus home but instead I canceled my lunch date. I was so anxious because I was dying to get home and eat. I thought about having an orange and a yogurt because that sounded good to me.. then I remembered I had ice cream and wanted that instead. I also remembered the pizza that I have been craving for a few days. I rushed to get home and I popped the pizza in the oven. While it was baking I ate the ice cream. I forced myself to put it in an ice cream dish because I usually just eat it out of the container. Ice cream is my absolutely favorite food and I can literally eat an endless amount of it. I probably had 2.5 servings which is a lot but still probably less than what I normally would have and the fact that I actually put it in a bowl is a step in the right direction. I had one slice of pizza and it was good, not to die for though. I was still a little hungry so I had another slice. I remembered the cookies I had bought so I had one. </p> <p>I then had to leave my house to babysit. Babysitting is usually one of the biggest times that I binge. I think it is partially because I am bored, partially because I am actually hungry, and partially because they have food that I don't normally eat. I wasn't there for long though I did have one cookie. </p> <p>I came home and I had half of a doughnut, a slice of pizza, and another cookie a few hours later. I really wanted some more ice cream tonight but I realized that I wasn't really hungry at all and I can have some tomorrow. </p> <p>So, I had some success in listening to my body and noticing that I was full by the end of the day. However, I need to work on having more structured meals and I also hate that I didn't have a single fruit or vegetable today. </p> <p>My goal for tomorrow will be to have at least one balanced meal and at least one serving of fruit and one serving of vegetables. </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/lorenas-journal#post-43516 Mon, 26 Oct 2009 03:47:16 +0000 Lorena 43516@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>Hello everyone,</p> <p>I have decided to start my own journal as I am begiining a fresh. I went 12 days binge free but on Saturday I binged and although I did not feel guilty at the time I do now and it's Monday! Silly really as I ate well yesterday and got in an extra run just to make up for the binge but it just goes to show if I binge I really really regret it and not just for a few hours but for days. </p> <p>I want to never binge again so I'm here to begin this.</p> <p>Ok so Sunday the 25th October just passed and I ate - </p> <p>B - Small apple and a weight watcher yogurt<br /> S - Pear<br /> L - Tuna, lettuce, 4 x rice cakes, jelly and a small apple<br /> S - 2 x weetabix bars<br /> Later S - Pear and a yogurt</p> <p>I also ran for 30 mins</p> <p>I am glad about this day as the old me would have carried on my binge for a few days but I didn't want to do that was knew it was crucial to get back on track which I have done so I'm happy about that.</p> <p>So 1 day being binge free down, hopefully a life time to go! </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/oarswomans-journal#post-57892 Sun, 07 Feb 2010 23:25:21 +0000 oarswoman 57892@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>So I'm new here and finally decided to write a journal.<br /> I'm currently a college senior and I'm a varsity athlete. I've struggled for the past 3 years with a combination of eating disordered habits, and I'm ready to get over it. I tend to overeat at night, either when I'm bored or I'm studying something. Sophomore year I began to purge as well, in an attempt to slow my weight gain. I haven't purged since around Christmas time (which is a sad accomplishment for me), but I still tend to eat waaaay too much at night. This past week has been good, but tonight I ate about 3 huge bowls of cereal after dinner and I'm feeling somewhat dissapointed with myself. Hopefully next week I can continue eating healthy and focus on my sport. </p> <p>I'm not sure how often I'll use this but I hope it will be helpful for me. I'm about to start a new phase of my life, and I don't want to be tied to these issues anymore. </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/keepushins-journal#post-57706 Sun, 07 Feb 2010 03:16:57 +0000 Keepushin 57706@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>Hey Everyone! I figured I should make a new name for my journal to make it easier..below is the link to my original one which I'll just continue right off of..</p> <p><a href="http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/im-backplease-help-me" rel="nofollow">http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/im-backplease-help-me</a></p> <p>Thank you so much for the replies today ladies!! I am going to respond tomorrow and will write about my day then also...just really gotta get to sleep! Hope you all have a lovely night! <img src="http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/bb-plugins/bb-smilies/default/icon_biggrin.gif" title=":D" class="bb_smilies" /> &lt;3 KP </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/ladolcevitas-journal#post-53091 Wed, 13 Jan 2010 03:02:05 +0000 ladolcevita 53091@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>Ok so i'm now starting day 3 of my binge free day. At the moment I feel in total control and a much more confident. I know I still have a long way to go, but I'm thinking positive and sticking to being good to myself. What is keeping me going is the sheer fact that if I do binge, everything around me will be effected, and it will feel like my whole world will crumble down right in front of me...I can't afford to go down that road block time and time again. It's not even about food anymore. I deserve to treat myself with respect and with love, so i'll try just doing that.I have started a new job, and I know that if I binge I will call up sick and I really need extra money. Meeting new proplr will also motivated me to start going out more. I have also noticed that when I'm around negative people, its makes me feel even low. I would usually moan about how unfair life is etc but now I'm trying to be more uplifting. Not only will this help me but also make the others feel positive around me. The other key factor for me is keeping busy and planning out your day. This includes meals, shopping, activities, visting friends etc.. I'm looking forward to beating BED and best wishes to you all. I know that everyone one of us, has the strength and power to beat this...thinking of you all.</p> <p>Huggzz </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/my-obsession#post-46451 Fri, 20 Nov 2009 06:12:16 +0000 Obsessed 46451@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>Hi guys!</p> <p>As it seems to have helped many of you I want to start a journal here too and see if it helps me keeping control <img src="http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/bb-plugins/bb-smilies/default/icon_smile.gif" title=":)" class="bb_smilies" /> <br /> I just came back from the supermarket. It was very hard for me, I binged yesterday and I fell that it's hardest the day after because I kind of think: Well it doesn't matter anyway know. I thought about fasting today but then I realized I'll end up binging if i start to restrict myself again so I decided to try something I have never (at least since I am sick) done befor. Buying food for 4 days. For me that is very dangerous, I end up binging even when there is nothing in the kitchen now I'm really expectant what will happen in the next days.<br /> But I told myself I have to believe that I can do it and trust myself, I also told myself to stop worrying about my figur and my weight. It won't help me and probably make everything worse...so we'll see what happens today <img src="http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/bb-plugins/bb-smilies/default/icon_smile.gif" title=":)" class="bb_smilies" /> </p> http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/topic/is-there-any-hope#post-51568 Sun, 03 Jan 2010 21:54:52 +0000 porschegirl 51568@http://howtostopeating.com/binge-eating-forum/ <p>so i think i need a new journal (will still post on my old one though cause i need cristinas and others peoples support on there too)..well, i am kind of desperate again...i just dont know how i could sink down into bingeing so badly...its like totally controlling my life now and i just cant live like that..i know everyone reading my previous posts will think that i am just repeating myself since weeks,but i will still write it out again,even if i ve said it a zillion times,i want to have a life like normal people..and yes,i think,its probably not really possible (at least for me)to be totally cured from all eating disorders,but i want at least enjoy life like i could at one point in my life...i have so many reasons why i binge: first is that i restrct and often dont eat enough during the day,and i also work out a lot in the morning so of course,once i am starving it doesnt matter anymore what i eat and there the bingemonster creeps out.moreover,i gained a lot of weight due to bingeing and this makes me so upset that i binge even more.then,i feel lonely and bored,especially now when i have college break and dont work at all or less as usual.and i think i just cant deal with my emotions and my past (growing up in a broken family,sduffering from anorexia,mom is drinking,loved grandfather died in 2008 and thjings like that).and i am so damn perfectionistic,its crazy,i have straight A's, but i am not satisfied with myself,i feel never good enough,pretty enough,smart enough,etc.i could go on like this for 5 pages..but this has always been my biggest problem,i feel like i want to be someone else,just not the person i am...all i wish is to be happy with myself one day in my life,and not hate myself,be disgusted with myself etc..even on this forum,i see poeple writing about their great progress,they at least can go binge free for a week,a month,etc..and i?i cant even make it through 2 days anymore,it makes me so sad,and lets me feel like a big failure...i just want to have a life thats worth to live for,and right now,mine is not at all.so i am trying to start fresh tomorrow (of course i binged already today),and come here to vent when i feel a binge coming..thanks and hugs for everyone supporting me:-) </p>