I’m 20 years old and have been dealing with eating disorders for nearly 3 years now. I used to have a type of bulimia called purging where after binge eating, I would either make myself throw up or exercise intensely, even if it was in the middle of the night. A few months ago, I finally lost a lot of weight (due to starving and ALOT of cardio) but for the past 2 months I’ve started binge eating again without the purging.

I feel out of control. I usually binge eat late at night and then spend the whole night researching ways to get back on track. Then I’ll eat healthy throughout the next day but binge all over again after dinner!

I’m not overweight but I gain nearly 1kg every few weeks so I’m obviously on a path of destruction.

I just want to be healthy and happy not perfect. Please help.

I don’t have anyone I can talk to in real life who really understands how I have been affected by this disorder. I think though, that a lot of people on here do understand. I feel overwhelmingly ashamed and embarrassed of myself when I even think about talking to my friends or family about the full extent of my condition. Sure, I’ve talked to them about having trouble with eating healthily and losing weight, but they don’t know that this utterly consumes me. I feel like no one would take me seriously if I tried to get them to truly understand. Society views fat people as lazy slobs and nothing more. At least from my perspective, other eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia are looked upon as legitimate and serious problems. A lot of people don’t even know that binge eating disorder exists, and I would imagine that many people would just scoff at it as an excuse used by fat people to continue being lazy slobs. I know I’m generalizing a lot here, but that’s just how I feel. They don’t understand that food addiction can be a true ADDICTION. It’s not a lack of will-power. I mean, I suppose in some way it is, but in an extremely intensified form. Addiction is not simply eating food because it was tempting and tasty, but rather, eating food because you literally feel powerless against doing so. That feeling of powerlessness is the piece that people who don’t have binge eating disorder are missing – it’s the reason why they don’t understand it. I suppose I can’t really blame them for that. But it does make me incredibly upset that something that has caused me so much emotional turmoil and self-destruction (during a time when I am supposed to be growing as a person, not getting torn down) wouldn’t even be taken seriously by some people.

There’s still a lot more that I want to say, and I’m sure I will do so throughout the rest of my journal entries. I plan on writing and reflecting every single day. I want to do this publicly, because otherwise I will almost certainly perpetuate the cycle I’ve been living in for nearly two decades – one that consists of giving up and “starting over,” only to give up again and again. I’m not giving up this time. I can’t. Here’s to a fresh start, for the very last time.

Good luck!

B: Strawberries, foo foo coffee

Lunch/snack:guacamole and rice crackers

Dinner: Pork chop, scalloped potatoes, fruit salad

Snack: apple

By normally I mean according to hunger. My hunger has been down but a big dinner made up for the lacking of the rest of the day methinks.

I have the urge to binge right now, yet I feel really not hungry. I even tried but I couldn’t even finish the apple, so my hunger signals are stopping me, which is yay.

Yesterday was crap, I don’t know if you can call it bingeing but I comfort ate a whole big size back of chips and lots of scalloped potatoes… It wasn’t a binge as much as a comfort fest.

My sis saw me smoking yesterday and didn’t know about it. She’s super upset and won’t have anything to do with me now. It’s been really hard to properly channel the negative emotions that come with that and the guilt. I totally would say that was the main contribution to last night’s binge thing. I have no idea how to deal with it other than to stop smoking… But either way apparently I’ve scarred her and I feel that is something I’m going to carry around guilt-wise forever, even after she gets over it, because that’s how I work ;/ It’s hard not to binge or just give up when I feel that way. This week is going to be heavy.

Today I fasted. Gaaah! I know that’s not the right choice but I felt like I had to make up for yesterday. Couldn’t stave away the urge today. Maybe a little bit, I also don’t feel worth eating when I feel this heavy with guilt.

Heavy post, but where everything’s at.

Only had 2 cigarettes yesterday and 2 today. Tomorrow planning 1.

xoxox SF

thanks! No I don’t have someone to withy with. But I think I study besanyone anyway a. I tend to think aloud and would probably disturb their study!

how are things with you, how are you getting on with not binging? Good luck!

good luck!

is it possible the laxatives are causing the bloat? because laxatives can make you dehydrated causing your body to hold on to excess water.

congratulations on making it a full week binge free! especially when having the extra stress from the exams. how is the studying going? do you have someone to study with?